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No Ordinary Nutter by Hedwig_Pie
Chapter 14 : Of Nutters and a Last-Name basis
Rating: MatureChapter Reviews: 17

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Of Nutters and a Last-Name Basis


‘Ow!’ James exclaimed, clutching his jaw, which was now sporting a growing purple bruise, ‘Little bro, what was that for?’

Albus looked at the pair of us, shooting daggers with his eyes. If looks could kill, I would be dead. In fact, I probably am already dead. I’ll probably get to meet Merlin.

Al pointed a finger to me, ‘I’ll deal with you later,’ he said, his voice laced with danger.

I squeaked and melted into the background, grateful to find both Freddie and Elle now behind me. Elle grabbed my elbow and began hauling me away, but I stood firm. I wanted to stay.

‘What the fuck, James?’ Al shouted at his brother, actually beating the music in volume. The crowd began parting around this little drama/violence unravelling in front of them, and everyone was watching with pure curiosity.

I didn’t exactly blame them; this scene was dramatic enough to be on a reality TV show.

Since they were both piss-drunk, I knew this wasn’t going to end well. ‘I’m the one who’s allowed to say what the fuck. You punched me!’ argued James, regaining his posture and towering over his little brother.

Woah; Al’s grown. They’re practically the same height. Is it weird that the only thing I could think about was that James looks good when he’s about to get in a fight with his brother? But then again, he always looks good.


‘You can’t just ignore my best friend for five years and then make out with her! She’s like my sister! You’re not allowed to just shag her and move on. She’s not like that!’ Al yelled, obviously the fire-whisky was getting to him, too.

My drunken heart melted a little bit then, I don’t realise it often, but Al really does care for me. And I love him for that, but seriously, I can take care of myself.

‘She was the one who kissed me, genius. Besides, the only reason you’re so angry is that you fucking fancy her!’

Al turned a weird shade of red, which did not look good against his black hair. I kind of wanted to laugh at that moment, because the thought of Al liking me was actually hilarious.

‘She’s like my sister! I would never want to tap that!’

At this I made a slightly offended noise, because that hurt. Hey, I’m sexy!


Ah, screw you.

He turned around to face me, ‘I didn’t mean it like that! Argh, you get it. You’re still kind of hot!’ then he laughed for a bit, before continuing, ‘But that would be fucking disgusting.’

‘Damn straight,’ I replied, fist bumping him.

Hey! We cool. Sorta. Kinda.

Shut up.

‘So if you’re not tapping that,’ James said, putting air-quotations around the word tapping, ‘Why can’t I?’

Al seemed to growl under his breath. He really needs to drop the whole over-protective big brother thing; I can take care of myself, thank you very much.

So why don’t you tell him that yourself?

Screw you brain, screw you.

Oh yeah, that’s so creative of you Halle.

You know what, Brain? I don’t remember asking you. So just get out of my head, alright?

How am I gonna do that, genius? And if I were you, I’d step in sometime soon. Those two look like they’re going to bash each other up.

Until next time, Brain. Until next time.

Did I just have a mental conversation with my brain?


But my brain was right; the two brothers were now standing right in front of each other, having a competition on whose growl was more threatening.

James’s was for sure, it was slightly deeper. And rougher. Mmmm.

Alright, time to take action.

‘Woah, woah, woah, woah,’ I cried, pushing myself in between them. My training sessions with James are really beginning to pay off, because I sandwiched myself between them easily, and held them apart at arms distance. ‘What is happening here?’ I wondered aloud.

Al turned his furious glare away from James and onto me, ‘Why the fuck did you just kiss my brother?’

Oh shit. My head’s starting to hurt. I don’t usually drink this much, my normal tolerance is usually about three fire whiskies. Plus I had all those vodka and cokes earlier, before me and Al had started playing True English. I shouldn’t have drunk so much.

I looked at him, thoroughly confused, ‘I thought you wanted me to!’

‘What?’ he exclaimed, ‘You were dared to kiss the person you wanted to the most!’

What was wrong with this boy? I did exactly what he asked! ‘Yes, I know. So I completed the dare! What’s the problem?’

Everyone’s eyes went wide, and Al lunged for James again. So, I’m not as strong as I thought; these boys could trample me easily.

Freddie and Jordin soon jumped in, hauling the two brothers apart. ‘Cut it out, family shouldn’t fight,’ chastised Freddie, grabbing the back of James’ shirt, making it ride up slightly.

Pure, unadulterated, uncovered James abs. Yup, that was definitely too much.

The heat of the moment totally flew past my head, and in a moment too similar to the Tournament, I felt my knees weaken and my body collapse.

But this time there was a difference. This time I was caught by someone, someone who smelled exactly like peppermint and Quidditch.

And I knew who it was in an instant.


Someone is singing.


I have absolutely no idea where I am or what I am doing here, but I can hear someone having a shower while singing. And they’re doing a horrible job.

‘I’VE GOT A POCKETFUL A POCKETFUL OF SUNSHINE; I’VE GOT A LOVE AND I KNOW THAT IT’S ALL MINE. OH. OH WOAH OH,’ shrieked the singer, oblivious to the fact that I had a killer hangover.

I forced my eyes open and took in the scene around me. The room I was currently in was dangerously untidy with a strict colour scheme of red and gold. Gryffindor. I wasn’t in my Ravenclaw dorm room, but I was definitely in a bed. But the bed wasn’t mine. But if it wasn’t my bed, then whose was it?

It was at this moment I was acutely aware of an arm draped around my waist, pulling me tight to a chest. Alright, this wasn’t too strange; just need to see who this person was. Hopefully it was Al; I usually crashed with him whenever I was too drunk to make it back to Ravenclaw Tower.

But this person was not Al. Not it was not.

‘TEN THOUSAND BLUNDERING TYPHOONS!’ I yelled, taking in my captor’s face.

It was James Potter. James fucking Potter. And I was sleeping with him, on his bed.

‘WHAT THE FUCK!?’ he yelled in response, his eyes flying open at my sudden outburst.

‘WHAT THE FUCK, INDEED!’ I yelled back.

I then commando rolled (or fell, but commando rolled sounds cooler) off his bed, and found myself lying on another person.

‘TEN BILLION BLUNDERING TYPHOONS!’ I yelled again, rolling off this other person, who was Al.

I closed my eyes and pinched the bridge of my nose, in an attempt to sort out this situation, and the singing was still going on in the background. Why is the singing still going on in the background?

‘Halle?’ came Al’s gentle voice, gently poking me in the shoulder.

I rubbed my eyes with the back of my hands, ‘Who is singing? Why are they singing?’

James chuckled and pushed himself off the bed, ‘Yo, Freddie. Shut up!’ he yelled through the bathroom door, before pulling out three pink-ish potions from his closet.

He tossed the bottles to us and commanded, ‘Drink. Hangover Potion.’

I gulped its contents gratefully, feeling the throbbing sensation in my head leave, and my thoughts became clearer.

‘What the hell am I doing here?’ I wondered aloud, looking between the two Potter brothers.

James shrugged, ‘Remember anything from last night?’

I thought about that, and I thought back, hard. But the memories escaped my mind like smoke in the air, becoming hazier and hazier the more I thought about it.

‘I remember something…’ I began, and the two brothers leaned forward in interest, ‘We were all at a party!’ I finished, proudly.

Sadly, that was about where my memories ended.

Al groaned and James just smiled. ‘You passed out,’ James explained, ‘So I brought you up to my dorm, since I could not solve one of those Ravenclaw riddles at two in the morning.’

I nodded, that seemed plausible. But I’m not sure if it’s acceptable to sleep with your friend when you’re in the early stages of a bromance. Even if nothing happened.

Panic soon flooded through my body, and I shot my head up to look at him, ‘Nothing happened, right? Oh god, tell me nothing happened!’

‘That’s why I came with you guys, to make sure nothing happened,’ Al explained, looking at the pair of us like we were suspicious drug-dealers.

I shrugged my shoulders, made sense. I laughed a little, ‘Like something would ever happen between me and James,’ I said, although there was a little flutter in my stomach at the thought of it.

Al groaned again, and James just looked amused. ‘So you seriously don’t remember anything?’ he asked again.

I concentrated, and I remembered something else. I looked triumphantly at Al, ‘We were playing True English! What round did we get up to?’

Al looked like he wanted to die. ‘Round Seventeen.’

My eyes opened in interest, ‘Who did you kiss that made you so grumpy this morning?’ I asked.

He groaned again, he must have kissed someone off limits. Holy shit I hope he didn’t kiss anyone he was related too. That would be gross.

‘You didn’t kiss a family member, did you? Because that’s just weird, even if your family does practically make up all of the Hogwarts population.’

Al made a face, ‘I didn’t kiss anyone. You did.’

I bit my lip, ‘Was it bad? Did I kiss a girl? Did I kiss an animal? BECAUSE I’M PRETTY SURE THAT’S AGAINST THE LAW.’

James grinned evilly, and it sent a chill down my back. Al groaned, again. Neither of them answered.

‘Well, come on!’ I pushed, ‘Who did I kiss? Was it Elle? Don’t tell me it was Dom, she would never let this go.’

It was at this moment Freddie came out of the bathroom, towel around waist, with a devilish grin on his face. Oh god, it wasn’t Freddie was it? I’d take being gay over kissing Freddie any day.

‘Don’t tell me it was him!’ I exclaimed, pointing a finger at Freddie. His face fell in mock hurt, and he hmphed. ‘That’s just rude, Halle.’

My eyes opened in horror, ‘It was him!?’

Connor groaned from his bed, poor bloke was obviously still hungover. ‘Shut up, all of you! It was James, Halle! You fucking made out with James. Now shut the fuck up!’ he moaned, throwing a pillow at my head.

James? Did he just say James? I looked up at him in horror, and he smirked down at me.

Well, at least I wasn’t gay.

The room was silent for a full thirty seconds, before I finally managed to form a coherent sentence.

‘James?’ I sputtered, ‘WHY? HOW? WHAT? EEP.’

Alright, a semi-coherent sentence.

And then the memories came flooding back. The sixth shot, the amazing kiss (which sent shivers down my spine), the punch from Al and my dramatic fainting.

‘Is it all coming back to you, now?’ James asked, smiling slightly.


Al groaned again, ‘I cannot believe you did that, Halle.’

I panicked. I totally panicked. I didn’t know what to do or what to say, so I curled up in a ball and let loopy Halle take over.

‘Halle is not available right now. She is currently in mortal shame. Please don’t follow her, as she is going to throw herself off the Astronomy Tower. Thank you, come again,’ I said, before promptly jumping off the floor and then running away.

Because I am so cool under pressure.


Jordin was the first to find me, nestled by one of the huge windows in the Astronomy Tower. I had been having quite a nice time, wallowing in my own thoughts. I don’t think I’ve moved from my curled-in-a-ball position for at least an hour.

‘Everyone’s been looking for you,’ he noted, sitting next to me.

I sighed and leaned slightly into him, ‘I screwed up, Jordin.’

‘Why? All you did was kiss the bloke. You like him, so you kissed him. You didn’t break the law.’

I bit my lip, ‘But that’s the thing, Jordin. I don’t like him. I really don’t.’

He groaned slightly, ‘Am I really the appropriate one to be having this girly talk with? I am a manly man. A macho man. I have too much testosterone for one body.’

I laughed, ‘Whatever you say, woman. Now help me,’ I said, grabbing him by the shoulders and shaking him violently.

‘Jeez, alright! Calm down, woman! No offense, Halle, but even I can see it. You love the bloke!’

I shook my head, ‘I really don’t. I mean, I thought I did. But I was drunk. Inebriated, I tell you! And did you hear how douchey he was? He actually asked Al if he could tap me. I mean, that is Grade-A douche behaviour,’ I explained, resting my head back on his shoulder.

He tensed a little, ‘He actually said that to you?’

I shrugged, ‘He was drunk, so I’m not really thinking too much of it. I’m sure he didn’t mean it. Like I didn’t mean the kiss,’ I reasoned, mostly for my own benefit.

Jordin made a humming sound, ‘Makes sense.’

‘It does right! I am clever. From now on, you shall refer to me as Halle the Clever. Or the Clever One. Please, take your pick.’

‘Halle the mentally-retarded?’

I turned to look at him, ‘No. Just no.’

‘Oh ma gawd. That is not how you talk to your best girlie friend, Halle! I thought we were going to be B.F.F.A.L.U.W.G.F.H!’ he exclaimed.

It is decided. He is a poof.

‘B.F.F.A.L.U.W.G.F.H? What does that even mean?’ I asked, a little wearily.

‘Best friends forever at least until we graduate from Hogwarts! Duh!’

‘You, my friend,’ I said, poking him in the chest. ‘Are a poof.’

He opened his mouth indignantly, ‘I am no such thing! In fact…’

This piqued my interest, ‘In fact, what? What are you in-facting? DO YOU FANCY SOMEONE, JORDIN? TELL ME! TELL ME!’ I said, jumping on him.

He tried to work his way from my grip but I was too strong. True, he was laughing the entire time and he looked like he was going to pass out from the lack of air, but still, I AM MADE OF MUSCLE, BABY!

I swung my legs so there was one on either side of him. Whoopsies, I’m straddling the poor bloke. Oh well, he’ll recover.

‘Oh, this is gross! It’s like being jumped by Kiara!’ he moaned, trying to push me off without physically touching me.

I scoffed, ‘Did you really just compare me to your two-year-old niece?’ I asked.

He nodded, completely serious, ‘Sexually wise, you and Elle are the exact equivalent to my niece.’

I beamed at him, ‘That’s great! Now tell me, who is the lucky girl?’

He instantly looked shy. Oh my god, this was actually adorable! ‘Was it that Hufflepuff chick you were chatting up last night?’ I asked slyly, astonished I could actually recall the memory.

His cheeks were slowly turning a tomato red, ‘I was not chatting her up! Besides, even if I did like her –not saying that I do– I would never be able to date her. Her siblings would bash me up to oblivion.’

Her siblings? Oh god, he was in love with a Wotter.

‘Not a Wotter!’ I moaned, slapping him lightly across the forehead, ‘Just pick a more untouchable girl, why don’t you?’

He smiled sheepishly, ‘That obvious?’

I furrowed my brow in concentration, ‘Dom?’

He shook his head.



‘Lily? Dude, she’s like fourteen!’

He made a face, ‘Still no.’

‘Just tell me already! We’ll be here for years if I list every Wotter girl!’

He sighed in defeat, before mumbling, ‘ImayslightlyfancyLucyWeasleybutyoucan’ttellanyoneorelseI’llkillyou.’


‘Lucy fucking Weasley! I like Lucy Weasley!’

My eyes opened wide, ‘Ooh. She’s hot. Totally in your league. Actually, she might be a little out of yours, but that’s alright. We can work around that. You guys would be the cutest couple!’

I’m not even lying for his benefit. Jordin was tall, muscular with perfectly shaped jet-black hair. Lucy was small and petite, with a wild head of blonde hair which contrasted hugely with the rest of her family. But she was still beautiful. I think it’s the eyes. They’re this bright, crystal blue; kind of like a cloudless sky on a summer’s day.

After that lovely description, I could be a poet. Halle the Poet. Damn straight.

I nodded approvingly, ‘Halle the Poet officially approves! Permission to meddle?’

His face contorted into a horrified expression, ‘Please don’t! Please, please, please don’t! STOP IT! I KNOW YOU’RE THINKING ABOUT IT! PLEASE STOP! DO NOT MEDDLE IN MY PERSONAL AFFAIRS!’ he yelled, and began to thrash around from under my straddling-position.

There was an awkward cough from the door, ‘Should I come back later?’

I turned my head to face the intruder, not that it really mattered, since I’d know that voice anywhere. Some naïve part of me thought it could be a very mature, rough-voiced house-elf.

Curses. It wasn’t.

‘Play it cool,’ I muttered to Jordin, before addressing James.

‘Hey James,’ I said, nodding my head towards him in nonchalance, ‘This is not what it looks like-’

‘STOP LOOKING AT US LIKE THAT! SHE HAS THE SAME SEX APPEAL TO ME AS MY BABY NIECE,’ Jordin yelled out, looking frenzied and stressed, ‘GET THE FUCK OFF ME, WOMAN!’ he said with a final shove.

Ouch. I fell right onto the floor. Something cracked. Cracked I tell you!

‘Way to play it cool,’ I groaned from my uncomfortable position, unable to move because of my sore muscles.

He then, being the macho man he is, ran out of the room, with his fingers in his ears, yelling, ‘MY NIECE! SHE’S LIKE MY NIECE! SEX APPEAL OF MY NIEEEEEEEECE!’

Ladies and gentlemen: one of my best friends.

Isn’t my life the cooliest?

James just leaned against the door, looking unabashed. ‘His niece?’ he inhaled sharply through his teeth, ‘Wow, Thomas. Are you that bad in bed?’

Shit. We were back to a last name basis.

This is not good.

A/N: SUP LOVELY READERS. had a lovely easter? eat some chocolate? heaven knows i did... DID YOU KNOW THERES SUCH A THING AS CHOCOLATE PIE?


Anyway the next chappies nearly done, so expect an update within the week. WHAT? WHAT? YES. THE WEEK. MEDAL? YES. I WANT ONE.


k. i'll shuddup now. hope you enjoyed :D

Disclaimer: 'Ten thousand blundering typhoons'- Captain Haddock, from Tintin by Herges.

'Pocketful of Sunshine,' song by Natasha Benegfield.

and ofc, harry potter is jk's wonderful creation. i have halle though. WANNA SWAP, JK?

yeah, didn't think so.


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