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Memoirs of a Nutter by loony_lovegood101
Chapter 4 : Nutty Friendships
 
Rating: MatureChapter Reviews: 15


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“WHYYY DOES NO ONE LOVE MEEEEEEEEE?”



And the day had officially begun.



Freddy was once again sitting with us. It had in fact become something regular.



I know right.



Excuse me while I hyperventilate a bit.



I AM HYPERVENTILATING. I CANT BREATHE. WHAT IS HAPPENING TO THE WORLD?



“Why is Jess going rainbow,” asked Freddy.



Rainbow. What a brilliant colour. Does that mean there’s a pot of gold at the end of my face?



“She may be hyperventilating,” Conner stated.



Boy, you know me too well.



And then, right in the middle of breakfast, the oddest thing occurred.



Nuts came to visit me.



My actual owl came with an actual letter.



That makes a total of 3 letters in my Hogwarts history. Progress? I THINK SO.



You want to know where nuts landed? Do you?



In my cereal.



Such are the woes of my life.



“Jess, there’s nuts in your cereal,” Conner said with delight, “I MADE A PUN. My life goal is officially complete.”



“Awesomeness, thine name is Conner,” I said back to him.



“There’s also an owl. How odd, do you usually eat owl, Jess,” questioned Fred.



“I HAVE A LETTER. FROM AN ACTUAL LIVING PERSON. WHO EXISTS,” I screamed.



“Open it, you stupid child,” countered Freddy.



“DUN DUN DUN. The moment of truth, who dareth speaketh to me’th? Which glorius person under the sun? Which blessed homosapein? Which darling deity? Which glorius godde-GIVE ME BACK MY LETTER YOU STUPID SHEMALE.”



“You have a letter, Jess?” questioned Albus.



“Not after you took it you idiot manwoman.”



“YOUR FACE IS A MANWOMAN,” chimed Conner.



“NO, YOUR FACE IS A MANWOMAN,” I retaliated.



“I want a pony,” said Fred thoughfully.



“Really? I though rainbow cakes could fly.”



“Naw, those are thestrals.”



“OPEN THE FUCKING LETTER,” said the midget second year sitting next to us.



Damn, that dude is everywhere.



“Chill your beans little dude, I’m opening it.”



“ALBUS, DON’T YOU DARE TAKE THIS GLORY AWAY FROM ME,” I squealed.



“CHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGE,” Conner leapt up over the table and grabbed the letter from Albus. He then thrust it over to me and whispered secretly in my ear, “Guard it with your life, there are many who would gladly kill you to get to this.” And then he ninja rolled out the doors of the Great Hall and onward TO HIS DESTINY.



Sorry. I’ve always wanted to do that.



He then proceeded to run back and give me a hug and a kiss on the head while he whispered in my ear, “I’ve always wanted to do that!”



“I love that, boy,” I said after he left again.




“JESS, YOUR OWL IS DYING IN YOUR CEREAL,” screamed Freddy.



 



Not much really happened after that. Freddy just tried to give resuscitation to my dying owl, and then, being the stupid child he is, he threw my dying owl into a bucket of water just before he started having a panic attack.



STUPID CHILD. I cannot stress those two adjectives enough.



And as for the contents of my letter…YOU WILL NEVER KNOW.



MWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.



Just kidding. It was my mum telling me that a leprechaun came to visit her.



I know right. WHO’S INSANE NOW?



“Welcome to your first Defence class of this term,” spoke Professor Jefferson successfully snapping me out of my thoughts, “and as 6th years, I warn you, things are about to get a lot harder for you. Now for our first lesson we will be practicing the Patronus charm. If I remember correctly we attempted this last year with failing results,” he ended warily, eyeing me.



Pssssh. Me? I was da boss at the Patronus.



Okay. I was mediocre.



Okay. I was pretty horrible.



Okay. My patronus tried to eat me.



“Okay, so the spell was expecto patronum, now I expect you to pair up and you have the rest of the lesson.”



Conner shimmied up to me (don’t ask me, he’s a weird child), and said in an actual credible cowboy accent, “Howdy partner, my heart beats for you. My spurs jingle for you, my pony gallops for you.”



At which point Freddy turned at a speed of which I cannot even explain, crooked his finger at Conner and spoke, “YOU HAVE A PONY? AND YOU DIDN’T TELL ME?”



He then proceeded to flounce over and poke Conner in the shoulder and said, “Friendship over. Arios amigo. Say goodbye to this butterbeer. Your train is chugging away.”



And then he flounced back to James whilst making weird bird noises.



You know, I may have it wrong, but I think Hogwarts is actually a mental institute. And I have no idea how I ended up here.



SHUT UP. I’M SANE.



“Okay, let’s get this pain over with,” I sighed to Conner.



“Darlin, I thought ya’ll would never ask.”




“SHUT UP, CONNER.”



 



An hour later I had successfully concluded that I was going to lie about my background and go through life pretending to be a Squib. I mean that shit was hard. How the hell did Harry Potter do it in third year?



INGENIOUS BASTARD.



“I CAN’T BELIEVE YOUR STUPID ILLAMA PATRONUS TRIED TO EAT ME,” screamed James.



That’s right bitches. An illama.



“It was being friendly, it loved you.”



“THEN WHY DID IT TRY TO HUMP MY FACE?” He retorted.



“MAYBE YOUR STUPID FACE LOOKED LIKE ILLAMA FOOD.”



“NO IT DOESN-what does illama food even look like?”



“I don’t actually know.”



“I can’t believe my patronus is a fucking fly,” whined Freddy next to James.



“I wish I had a jumping castle,” said Conner merrily next to me.



“You bastards walk like slugs.” We all whipped around to see that midget second year again. WHERE DOES HE ALWAYS COME FROM?



“You, my midget chidling, are like a freaking oompa loompa. Where the heck do you appear from? Do you have magic powder? Are you a fairy? TELL ME YOU’RE SECRETS. OR I WILL KILLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU.”



 



I think I made him shit his pants.



“Little bit of overkill, Jess, whispered Conner next to me.”



“We bid you farewell,” I spoke and swiftly turned on my heels.



That’s right. I’m badass. THERE’S A NEW ILLAMA IN TOWN.




 



 



“Got any Queens?”



“Go Wiz.”



“Got any nines?”



“Go Wiz.”



“Got any threes?”



“Go Wi-WAIT, YES I DO,” and Conner, so excited to be contributing to the game, elbowed me in the face.



Who the fuck invented Go Wiz? Can I just say. Shittiest. Game. Ever.



“Why are we playing this?” said Conner.



“BECAUSE YOU WANTED TO!” I screamed back.



“Right. Yes. Now I remember.”



A moment of blissful silence passed.



“Go Wiz sounds like go piss.”



“Thanks for that Conner.”



“Welcome much.”



“HOLY MERLINS FLIP FLOPS, I HAVE TO GO TO CLASS.” I shrieked while looking at my watch.



“I will never understand why you took muggle studies,” pondered Conner.



“I’M LAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATE.”



I walked into three walls on my way to class. Stupid Hogwarts and its stupid walls.



I burst into the classroom, except I tripped over a chair that was right next to the door.



“FUCKING CHAIR, WHY DO THE GODS HATE ME.”



“I’m sorry, what was that, Ms. Collins?” asked Mrs Summers.



I really hate Mrs Summers. She has a stupid face.



“Ahem, what I meant to say is lucking hair, why do the dogs bait me?”



BRAIN, WHY MUST YOU NOT COOPERATE WITH MY MOUTH?



“Try again, Ms Collins.”



DO YOU SEE WHY I HATE HER?



“Mpppphhhhhhhhhffffffffff-BLAME IT ON THE GOVERNMENT.”



“Take a seat.”



I AM KILLING YOU WITH MY EYES, WOMAN.



“Late Jess?” whispered James next to me.



“Oh lord, I’m stuck with you?” I whispered back.



“Lucky you,” he grinned back at me.



Merlins crapapples, he is beautiful. How can ones genes be so perfect? I want to lay my head on his head.



Pretend I didn’t say that.



James subtly slipped a note over to me.



It took me a good ten minutes to decipher the illegible writing, in which space of time I had to put up with many eye rolls and harrumphs from James.



Do you understand a word she’s saying?



Mrs Summers was going on about something called coastal management or something. Apparently, stakeholders did some shit and erosion was bad.



What a load of bullshit.



I hastily scribbled back to James.



No. I want cake. Buy me some.



James read my note and rolled his eyes.



“Okay class, I want a combined 3 foot long essay on coastal management with your partners.”



Fuck you Mrs Summers. I’m going to eat your head.



“I’m going to give you the rest of the lesson to get to know your partners as you will be working with them for the rest of the year.”



I will dissect your brain and feed it to my patronus illama.



The thing was that James was friendly (and gorgeous) enough, but Freddy or Conner were usually around to make (let’s face it, pretty epic) conversation. So things were more than slightly awkward.



“….”



“…………………………”



“……………………………………………………..”



“……………………………………………………………………………………………………..”



“STOP THIS MADNESS I SAY!” I just couldn’t help it. I just couldn’t.



“What’s your favourite colour?” James asked me, after wiggling his eyes at me for a bit.



“RAINBOW,” I yelled back, because rainbow is epic, “yours?”



“Pink.”



“Pink?”



“Yes, pink.”



“Well alright then.”



James eyed me oddly. The corner of his mouth lifted a little and his eyes twinkled slightly. Unless I imagined it. Which I probably did.



There was a slight silence after that, and silences make me scared. TERRIFIED ME.



So this came out of my mouth. Brace yourself.



“Did you know Muhummad is the most common name in the world, amazing isn’t it. I have never met a single person with that name before, BUT SHAZZAM there it is. I named a cloud Berney once. Yeah, I lost it. But then I spilled ketchup on my shirt so I was sad and ate chocolate. And then my uncle said I was getting fat to which I replied CHOCOLATE IS A VEGTABLE.”



James quirked his eyebrow at me and the seconds ticked by. AND YOU KNOW HOW AWKWARD I GET WHEN SECONDS TICK BY.



“That, my friend, I completely agree with,” he concluded with a slight smile, “because it is of course, a bean.”



“EXACLTY!” I beamed back at him.



Maybe this year won’t be a complete fail. I mean I have actually gained friends that aren’t houselves.



“That obviously also means that jellybeans are also a vegetable.”




Oh my. I think I’m in love with him.



 



Authors note: Heyyyyyyy guys! Girls! ALIENS?



Yeah, so this chapter took a bit of a while (AGES) and I apologize profusely. I want you people (ALIENS?) to know I am not happy with it AT ALL, but I thought I kept you waiting long enough. So I want to apologize for that as well.



BUT NEVER FEAR. It shall go onwards.



Favourite bits? Parts? Quote? Lines? ALIENS?



PLEASE PET THE BOX. I really beg of you. It waits your arrival eagerly. EAGERLY I TELL YOU!



 



 





 


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