Chapter 13 : The Haze
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So I went along for the next two months dealing with glares and the cold shoulder. He was so mad at me, understandably I guess, I hadn’t ended it very well. But still, if he couldn’t see how heartbroken I was over it, then he was blind. Even James had started to notice how sad I’d been. He asked me two nights ago if my mum had died for merlin’s sake. But Sirius was taking no pity on me, so I resolved myself to feel better. And if I couldn’t do that, than just act like I was feeling better.
Remus had been a rock through this whole thing. He refused to take sides, and tried to get both of us to resolve our issues and be friends again. I was all for it, Sirius had fast become one of the few people in the world who knew me as well as I knew myself. And him not speaking to me was frightening, and saddening and still mad me want to cry, two months later.
It was almost Christmas, and at this point I couldn't wait to be getting home. I had been keeping Anna and Devon pretty informed on the whole situation, but having them physically there to comfort me, and Anna there to scold me for my stupidity, would be nice.
“Bee, you should come visit for the New Years party. My parents do a big one every year, and the ‘kids’ get a separate one. Which is always better in my opinion.” James was saying. I was more concentrated on trying to get Sirius to look at me like I had been the past two months.
“Uh, I dunno James, my parents do a little party too.”
“But you’ve never been to a Potter party!”
“I thought I had, isn’t that what you call those drunk fests in the common room?”
“Well yeah, but they don’t count! This is the only one all year that I get to throw with just friends! Please! Invite someone from home! Really, I don’t care!”
“We’ll see James.” I muttered, giving up on Sirius yet again.
The train ride home was interesting, Sirius had been forced to sit dead across from me, so now it was almost impossible for him to not look my way occasionally. And to me, it seemed like every time I managed to catch his eye, his demeanor softened a bit. But that could just be wishful thinking on my part.
When we finally reached the station I rushed out, trying to fight my way out of the barrier because I knew my friends would be waiting on the other side for me.
“BEE!” I heard Anna scream from somewhere to my left. Grinning, I dropped my bag and ran to meet her.
**** ONE WEEK LATER****
Shit. My head hurt.
I sat up in bed.
Devon was sprawled out with his shirt off on the bed next to me. He was even drooling a bit on my pillow.
I rolled my eyes and looked around the room. Anna and Gabe were curled up in the corner of my room on my couch.
Then there was a new body, one I wasn’t familiar with. The boy was lying flat on his stomach in the middle of my floor. I jumped out of bed, not really caring that I was only in my skivvies and what appeared to be Devon’s tee shirt from the night before.
I peered at the boy on the floor. He looked familiar, but I couldn’t place him.
So instead I kicked him.
“Oi!” He cried, jerking awake. I grinned.
“Oi is right. What’re you doing in my room?” The boy turned over and I saw his entire face for the first time. He had light brown hair and startlingly blue eyes.
“Declan!” I cried.
“Hey to you too Bee.” He said, sitting up and rubbing his forehead.
“What? How? Why are you here?”
“Hey, you’re the one who invited me.”
“I sent you an owl last night telling you I’d be around and you responded to meet you at some club. So I did, and here we are.”
“Oh.” I said dumbly. We sat there for a moment, and I was suddenly struck with how much I really had missed him since our last encounter.
“So, did we have fun last night?” I asked, looking around at my mess of a room.
“I sure did, you guys can go hard. I stopped trying to keep up about halfway through the night.” He smiled at me. My heart tugged a little.
Next thing, there was a tapping at the window. I looked up to spot Remus’s owl sitting on the ledge of my window, letter clutched in his beak.
“Looks like someone’s popular.” Declan said, smiling at me again.
“You know me, I’m just everybody’s friend.” I muttered. And he laughed. And suddenly a rush of warmth swept over me, and I was reminded of how it felt to be in the presence of someone you really liked. I smiled back, and went to read the letter from Remus.
Hope your holiday is going well! Just wanted to write and check in, and make sure you’re coming to James’s party on New Years. He’ll have your head if you don’t show up Bee, and you know it.
I know things aren’t great with Sirius right now, but Lily will be there, so will I, and James said you can bring whomever you want to the party so long as they “know how to have a good time”. His words, not mine.
Anyway, I really hope you can make it. I miss you and I love you.
Shit. I had forgotten about the party at James’s house. Suddenly an idea struck me.
“Hey, Declan, what’re you doing for New Years?”
New Years eve night was upon us. Declan stood next to me in the Potter’s drive looking dapper as always in his tux. I had dressed myself up for the occasion in a blue strapless sweetheart dress that hugged all my curves in just the right way. I had my hair pulled up but strands of it fell around my face in soft curls.
“Why am I here again?” Declan asked, pulling at his tux. “This is so uncomfortable.”
“Excuse me, but who’s the one in a strapless dress and heels?” Declan laughed.
“I suppose you win that one.” Then he sighed. “Time to head in.” He held out his arm and I looped mine through it. We both took a deep breath and began walking into the large house looming ahead of us.
“Bee!” James grinned as I walked in. He stood with his mother and father as they greeted guests at the door. James gave me a large hug before he even seemed to notice Declan was there.
“Oh.” James said cautiously. “Bee, I see you brought a date.”
“Yeah, James you know Declan Wood.”
“Sure I know him.” James muttered, eyeing Declan up and down.
“James! I know that look, be nice and don’t interrogate the poor bloke.” I cried.
“Fine. Let me just say that you better leave room for Jesus when you’re dancing. And at the after party. I’ll be watching you.” He glared at Declan one last time before turning to me.
“Well I’ll see you inside Bee!”
I rolled my eyes at my friend and Declan and I walked inside.
My breath caught in my throat.
Everyone inside was dressed elegantly, waltzing beautifully, speaking engagingly. The room was cavernous, lit with sparkling lights and flickering candles.
It was, for lack of a better word, magical.
The music coursed through the room, and before I knew it, Declan had swept me up into a waltz, and we were twirling across the dance floor. Weaving between other couples and for a moment, I was lost in time. Lost in Declan’s gaze, the music, his grasp.
But reality came crashing down the moment I met a pair of stormy grey eyes from across the room. They pierced me, and my breath caught in my throat for the second time that night.
When I saw him my brain went a little fuzzy. I needed to get my head screwed on straight again and him being here, staring at me, wasn’t helping. Every time I saw him I couldn't think straight. My thoughts were clouded and consumed by him.
It wasn’t healthy.
I took a sharp intake of breath.
Then let it out slowly.
Breathe Bee. I told myself. He’s just a stupid bloke, and you’ve broken up before and survived. Then I realized I considered what went on between Sirius and I “breaking up”. I shook myself. Why did it have to hurt like this every time I saw him?
“What’s wrong?” Declan whispered in my ear. “You got tense all of a sudden.”
“Black, he’s eyeing me.”
“Shall we move away?”
“Yes.” I said, nodding. Declan made to pull me in the other direction when I changed my mind. “Well, no. I should stop hiding. Let’s just dance here.” And we did. But I remained tense.
His penetrating gaze never left me. He shot daggers into my back every time I turned away, and every time I was facing him I could see the anger burning on his face.
“Maybe you should go talk to him. See what he could possibly be so angry about.”
“No, I know I should. But I’m happy where I am, and I know he would just ruin it.” Declan beamed at this.
We danced, and danced. Finally, we both decided it was time for a break. Declan left to get us both something to drink, and before I even had time to catch my breath, Sirius was swooping in on me.
“Blood hell Black. What do you want?”
“Couldn’t wait to catch your new pray there, could you.” He sneered.
“I have a few things for you to chew on, dog.” I spat back. “First off, it has been over a month since we ended things so you have no right to be upset, or to judge. Secondly, Declan isn’t pray. He’s sweet. and gentle and kind and genuine. He’s funny and smart and not to mention very attractive. So you can take your assumptions about Declan and I and shove them straight up your ass.” Sirius just stood there and glared.
“Am I interrupting something?” Came a voice from behind me. It as James. He looked a little confused as to why two of his friends were in a contest to see who could kill the other purely with a look.
“Nothing. Just a disagreement about her date choice.” Sirius managed to mutter.
“Yeah, why did you bring Wood?” James asked, turning to me.
“Merlin! Why does everyone think it’s a bloody impossibility for me to like a bloke!”
“Probably because you never have before.” Came Lily’s voice from behind me. I rolled my eyes.
“Actually, that’s the main point.” Lily pointed out annoyingly.
“Did I miss something?” Declan asked as he approached the small group of us holding our waters in his hand.
“No, not a thing.”
“Right.” He said awkwardly as everyone turned to stare at him. “Bee, can I steal you away for a moment?”
“Please do.” I muttered as I followed him away from the group, out of the hall and onto the large front patio. Glittering fairy lights were hovering around the grounds, making everything come alive with light and beauty.
Declan stood there awkwardly, fidgeting a bit.
“What’s on your mind?” I asked, taking his hand. He seemed to calm at this.
“Look, I know I agreed to come to this thing with you, but I didn’t know how long it would take and I promised my mother that I’d be there to share New Years with her.” He said it all very fast, and didn’t make eye contact the whole time. I opened my mouth to speak, but he cut me off.
“I know you must be furious at me, but you know my mom is sick, this might be the last New Years she ever gets to experience, and I want to be there to share it with her. And-”
“Declan.” I said, interrupting him. “Dec, it’s fine. You’re more than welcome to leave and go spend this time with your family. You shouldn’t be forced to spend this time with me rather than with your family.” He looked up at me timidly, his beautiful eyes sparkling in the moonlight. I smiled, and so did he. Then, before I could stop myself, I leaned in and kissed him square on the lips.
His kiss was sweet. It was tentative, nervous. But then it grew. And before I knew it, I was being pushed up against a bush and his hands were in my hair and my legs were hitched up around his waist. And yes, I did forget that I was in a dress, and that I had to go back inside to other people and that my hair was now a huge mess.
All I could think about were Declan's lips on mine, and those almost forgotten feelings of butterflies and giddiness and happiness.
But then I heard a giggle from somewhere near us, and reality came sweeping back in. ow and behold it was another couple, sneaking into the bushes to have a quick snog.
“Right.” Said Declan as we detangled ourselves. “Now that I’ve sufficiently messed up your hair.”
“No, no. It’s fine, I wanted to wear it down anyway.” He grinned at this as I tried to tame the mess.
We stood there awkwardly for a moment before Declan cleared his throat and spoke.
“Now, I guess that leaves us both with something to think about for the time being. I best be off.” And without another word, he turned and left, leaving me standing in the garden alone and confused beyond belief.
I wandered back into the hall, a little dazed and confused. So much so, that I barely noticed when some bloke swept me into his arms and started to dance with me.
“You look beautiful tonight.” Came a voice from above me. Finally I glanced up, and realized the arms were Remus’s. I smiled weakly at him.
“Thanks, you look quite dashing yourself.” He grinned.
“What was that about? Declan rushed out of here like the place was going to blow up.”
“We just made out. Then it got awkward.”
“Oh.” Was all he said.
“What mister judgy pants. What is it this time.”
“Well, you’re making out with one bloke at a party, while I can tell you’re still thinking about another.” I sighed and looked down.
“I’m just confused now. I know I like Declan. He’s perfect. But when I think of Sirius, I dunno. I feel sad, but in a good way. But he feels more than perfect. It’s just right with him. But then again, it just feels right with Declan too.” Remus just looked down at me sadly.
“So you know what you need to do?”
“I know what you’re going to say.”
“What am I going to say?”
“You’re going to tell me not to do anything rash or stupid. To take my time and figure it out before I lead either of them on.”
“You’re right. And it’s something you should really consider.” I was going to respond, but t=I spotted James and Sirius walking towards us. So instead of the retort I had in my head, all I said was:
“What are you two discussing so seriously over here.” James asked.
“Nothing.” I muttered.
“Didn’t look like nothing.” James said, frowning. Sirius was just standing there, eyeing me.
“Dance with me.” I said abruptly looking at Sirius. He blanched a little. James’s frown deepened.
“You two don’t get along. Why would you dance?”
“Go find Lily.” Sirius said before he extended an arm for me to take. James stuck his tongue out, but did as he was told and turned to find his girlfriend.
“Bee.” Remus said under his breath. A warning: not to say or do anything stupid. Sirius swept me onto the dance floor, and we began to twirl in silence. He was still a little rigid, his hands clasping mine tightly. I couldn’t look him in the eye.
“Sirius.” I finally whispered, breaking the silence. He didn’t respond.
“Sirius, we need to talk about this. You can’t keep freezing me out.”
“Why would you care? I saw you out there, kissing your boyfriend.” He hissed.
“That was just Declan misreading the situation.” I lied. “We’re just friends.”
“Oh.” Was all he said. There was a moment pause.
“Are you sure?”
“Yes Black.” I replied, rolling my eyes. “I’m very sure.” The corners of his lips twitched in an almost smile.
“Besides, it shouldn’t matter to you. It’s not like we were ever in a relationship, and neither of us were emotionally attached.” I lied again, finally looking up and meeting his gaze. I felt my chest tighten at the many memories of our time together.
“Right?” I asked. But he didn’t answer.
Suddenly he was pulling me away, down a hallway and into a side room.
Then, for the second time that night, I found myself lost in someone’s arms as they kissed me. It was bliss, kissing him again. I hadn’t quite realized how mush I really missed it. The perfect synchronization of our lips, the taste of his mouth, the smell of his body. Everything about him was like a drug.
But I wouldn’t allow myself to become addicted again. So gathered my thoughts, and I pulled away.
“Sirius, we can’t do this. We ended things.”
“Honestly Braxtany!” He said, pushing me away from him. “You can’t just treat me like this!”
“Treat you like what?” I asked, exasperatedly.
“You were acting like you wanted me to do this!”
“Sirius! Have you lost it? I had just got done saying I didn’t have feelings for you!” He frowned.
“But, you looked like...”
“Like what? Did I look into your eyes, and tell you I loved you? No! In fact, I said the opposite! So don’t you dare make me feel guilty about this! Don’t you dare! I did nothing!” I said, pushing him. He remained silent, and glared.
“You’re a tease. Me, Declan. Anyone you can sink your claws into! You drag us around through the dirt, and then you dismiss us like we’re nothing!” I slapped him. He stood there, a little shocked.
“And you’re a liar and a coward. You never, ever indicated to me that you liked me. I honestly am not even clear on it now. And now, you expect me to drop everything, despite the fact that we are nothing, to hookup? No. I will not stoop that low. I will not be your hidden plaything anymore. And I will most certainly not be with someone who doesn’t respect me enough to tell me what he’s thinking, let alone someone who doesn’t want to be seen with me in public. So no, Black, don’t you dare lay this, whatever it is, on me.” And I turned and stormed out of the room.
I've been swollowed by school. But I have a nice break coming up with no homework and no tests and no classes so the plan is to write to my heart's content.
That being said, there should be a few new chapters queing up ;)
I really hope you are still enjoying the story! Please review!
Love you all!