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Secrets From the Staff Room by insomniac
Chapter 1 : In Which I Get the Offer
 
Rating: MatureChapter Reviews: 1


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 BEEP. BEEP. BEEP.

I knew this was coming, I knew it was going to happen eventually.

BEEP. BEEP. BEEP.

Yet, why do I feel so scared and nervous?

BEEP. BEEP. BEEP.

Come on Penny, you can do this. Just turn around, slam that stupid clock shut and get dressed.

BEEP. BEEP. BEEP.

What are you waiting for?

BEEP. BEEP. BEEP.

Come on Penelope!  Do it before Aidan storms in with whatever happens to be on the bedside table.

BEEP. BEEP. BE-

Ah, silence. My brother is the perfect motivation to get me up, that Quidditch playing prat.

Wait… Who are you? Are you supposed to be in my head? Last time I checked, a random person reading my thoughts wasn’t in the job description. Maybe I missed something; I mean it wouldn’t be the first time. I’m not really the observant type.  Oh well, at least someone will be here to witness the ever so curious tales that I am sure are going to take place. I might just need you to keep me sane. Wouldn’t want to be going crazy the first month I’m employed there. Then again, they didn’t exactly hire a sane person for the job.

Oh wait, silly me. You have no idea who the hell I am, where I’m going and why it is such a dreadful place. Well, let me explain.

I’m Penelope West, and I am your host for however long you’ll be residing in my head. I’ve just recently turned 21 years old with fairly average looks; let’s not get into the details.  I’m also a witch who just recently resigned from Gringotts (It is most insulting when one is referred to as a “wizard” in the muggle world. I’m a witch, not a wizard; do I look like a man to you?) and I am about to go to my first day of a super weird job, a Hogwarts Professor.

Why is being a Hogwarts professor a weird job? Good question person in my head.  Let me tell you about when I was “selected” for this job (yesterday).

Flashback

It was a normal summer afternoon the day I got the job. The weather was warm with a slight breeze, children were playing outside in their yards and Mrs. Pickle was screaming at some poor child who had cut across her “award winning lawn” for the fifteenth time that day.  Moriarty was running after his dog who was barking at Leo’s dog that was hiding behind Leo who tried to get Cynthia away from Lulu but ended up bumping into big boobs Brittany who was already dressed up for her “respectable job” as a Victoria Secret Mode. Poor boy was gaping at her as if the Tardis just fell out of the sky and ended up dropping Cynthia’s poop bag over her shoes as well.  In shock Brittany dropped her coffee on Lulu and Cynthia who went barking mad (barking mad. Get it?). To end this rather boring story short, the police got involved but Officer Bob let them go because he was Brittany’s latest boy toy (I bet he’s going to get dumped tomorrow).

As for me, I was watching all this from the safety of my rather dreary mahogany balcony, until my front door was busted open.

It was rather terrifying and I dropped my peppermint tea in result (more like threw it across the balcony where it landed with a thud on my newly planted flowers). I sat there for a split second wondering what that thud could possibly be, until I heard a rather familiar voice.

“DON’T HURT ME PLEASE! MY SISTER’S JUST UPSTAIRS! PLEASE, SHE’S ANNOYING BUT BETTER YOU KILL HER THAN ME! PLEASE! DON’T HURT THIS FACE!” screamed Aidan from downstairs. “I’M SORRY I TOOK AN EXTRA MINT AT THE RESTAURANT!!! THERE JUST SO GOOD AND I COMPLETEY DISREGARDED THE RULE OF TAKE ONE!”

“PUT YOUR STUFFED RACCOON DOWN MR. WEST. It astounds me that even after five years since I’ve last seen you at Hogwarts you use a stuffed animal to defend yourself. Maybe you should take a class on self-defence. Good Merlin knows you would learn a great deal. Not to mention there’s a Quidditch bat right beside you. Maybe a lesson on common sense as well?” My former professor said from downstairs. 

Aidan was armed with a stuffed raccoon and McGonagall has a sense of humor? Well, shits obviously going down today. Never saying that again? I agree.

“Now Mr. West, after you’ve put down that ridiculous animal would you please direct me to your sister.” Mcgonagall said sounding quite impatient, “I don’t have all day Mr. West.” (it's quite obvious that she is fond of surnames)

I quickly ran towards the stairs making sure I didn’t fall or trip, took a quick look in the mirror (I looked like a wreck) and dashed down the stairs.

“I... I… I’m right here.”

She turns to look at me with her famous expressionless face. “Ah. About time you made an appearance. Now, I don’t have any time to waste. Sit.”

She took my arm and directed me towards my brother. She sat me down, glared at Aidan and took out a piece of parchment. It wasn’t any old piece of parchment though. It was white instead of the traditional beige and had the old cursive font in the most outrageous shade of red. When she unfolded it, instead of there being letters, there was a mouth. It looked to be the mouth of a female with perfectly curved angles and a complimentary shade of pink. I was most surprised when I heard a deep rumbling male voice come out.

“Welcome. You have been chosen, chosen to be a leader of a new generation. To love and to care for each child as it was your own. Offer guidance and help in times of trouble. And the best part of this? You have zero input in this. Take it or. Well, you’re going to have to take it. Now, let the wonderful headmaster or headmistress further explain. That would be all."

With that the parchment sealed its self and zipped into my former Headmistress’s cloak.

“What the bloody hell was that?” The oh so intelligent brother of mine spat out.

“That Mr. West was your sisters welcome letter. She will be the new co-professor of Charms. Mr. Flitwick decided that he’d much rather teach Muggle Studies due to its lack of students. Now, if you have any questions-”

Questions? Did I have a bucketful of questions for McGonagall. But before I could respond she continued her sentence.

“I’ll have to answer them later. Now, you start tomorrow. Be sure to be at Platform 9 ¾ before 11 o/clock. That’s when the train leaves and it would horrid for you to have to miss your first day of work. Oh and deary, you don’t have a choice. You’ve been chosen and you shall come. Otherwise the consequences would be most severe.” She made movement for the door but turned around to make sure I understood what she had just told me.

“Oh. Well, alright then. But wait, before you go. What did you mean by ‘co-professor’?”

She looked up at me with a twinkle in her eye, “Well I wasn’t going to let you teach one of the most important subjects alone. You’re only 19 Miss West; what kind of headmistress do you think I am?” She was opened the front door and was walking quickly away.

I ran quickly outside the door (despite being in my nightie) and walked briskly towards the side walk.

“But McGonagall; who am I to teach with?”

She turned around to face me with the same twinkle in her eye and the tips of her lips quivering upwards. “Mr. Albus Potter.”

And with that she was gone. Gone. Left me alone outside in my nightie with the summer breeze whipping across my hair.

Of every person on this planet, it just HAD to be Albus fucking Potter.

Flashback ends

 

So here I am now, the morning of this awful job. What kind of bloody person just comes and tells another person that they were going to go teach a bunch of brats at the age of 19? Not to mention co-working with Albus bloody Potter!

Now you may be thinking, why is this Potter kid so bad? Well, I could give you an essay on that, but for not I’ll just list a few reasons.

Penelope Wests List of Why Albus Potter is a Bloody Prat

1.       He thinks he’s God’s gift to the world.

2.      He has the ego the size of the bloody universe

3.      He thinks his “naturally” messy hair makes him look attractive

4.      He doesn’t even try for good grades but gets Os anyways

5.      He’s rude

6.      He’s arrogant

7.      He’s a git

8.     Treats girls as if their toys

9.      Made me pretend to be his girlfriends for 10 months in 5th year

10.  He used to be my best friend

 

So yea… I used to be best friends with Albus Potter… I’ve known him from the second we were born. We were born in the same hospital, on the same day, in the same room, at the same hour. Our parents became friends and he became my best friend. But that’s the past and I’d much rather not talk about it.

Moving on. I should really get ready for Hogwarts… GAH! I’M GOING TO BE RESPONSIBLE FOR MESSING UP A WHOLE NEW GENERATION OF CHILDREN! THEY’RE PROBABLY GOING TO BE THE NEXT VOLDEMORTS!!! I’M GOING TO BE THE REASON FOR THE THIRD WIZARDING WAR!!!!

But the worst part… I HAVE TO SPEND 24 HOURS WITH ALBUS POTTTER FOR THE REST OF THE WHOLE FRICKON YEAR!

I am not mentally stable enough for this.

Those poor kids.








Disclaimer: Tardis belongs to the genius of Doctor Who.. And anything else you recognize isn't mine

A/N: This is my very first fanfiction so I hope you like it! Any constructive critism is appreciated. Oh and, I know.. I really need a beta XD


Credits: Huge thanks to Siriusly89 and DarkRose over at the forums for the summary and title help!

~Lily

 




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