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Well that was awkward... by a_frog_in_a_frock
Chapter 1 : A defyer of reason
 
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Wazzup? Kira Jordan in da hizzle! Sorry about that. Who am I? As my friend Roxy puts it I am a defyer of reason. The main reason for this is that you know all those really easy subjects that everyone just takes for a skive? Yeah, well I’m crap at those. And you know those subjects that everyone just swears about and makes them want to burn eternally in hell during exams? Yeah well those are a breeze. Transfiguration? Don’t sweat it. Charms? Easy as. Potions? In my sleep. And History of Magic? Oh my god. Seriously? I don’t even know how you can’t pass History of Magic. Actually, apparently me and this girl Morvin Gracie are the only two people in our year who actually did pass O.W.L History of Magic. And knowing Morvin, and myself, we both got outstandings! This is like totally funny because she’s a Hufflepuff and I’m a Gryffindor which means not a single Ravenclaw passed the class and no offence to them or anything and not that this is a bad thing or anything, but they’re all like total nerds who spend all their time in the library. And I know that I can’t talk after last year where the library practically became my second home, but honestly I don’t even think half of them know what sunlight is and the dictionary definition doesn’t count.





 

 

 


 

Actually, come to think of it, it was Roxy who told me that me and Morvin (Morvin and I) were the only two to pass History of Magic and considering we haven’t even started sixth year yet I don’t see how she could have gone round every single person in our year and asked them. I mean, we got our results in the summer holidays and I know for a fact she hasn’t seen anyone except me, Fred, James, Alex, Patrick and Alice since the holidays began.




 

 
 

 

 

 


 

Besides I know that Leon Barukapinski goes to this really remote island in the Pacific Ocean every summer that isn’t accessible by owl because I sat next to him in charms in second year and we got to be quite good friends despite the fact that he’s a Slytherin and I remember he always used to tell me how annoying it was because he never got to see his friends and the only owls that could ever find the island were the Hogwarts ones so the only letter he received in the entire summer was the one from Professor Longbottom. So I don’t know how she could have asked him whether he passed History of Magic or not. Although knowing Leon, he probably did fail because he was in my History of Magic class last year and I wouldn’t be surprised if he didn’t know Professor Binns’ name – that’s how much attention he paid in the class. I only know because I watched him quite a lot. Don’t worry not in a creepy way, like when I stared at the back of Fred Weasley’s head for four hours solid or that time (those many times) when I practically stalked Morvin Gracie, just because he was the most interesting person in the class to watch. Par example; one time he set fire to his desk. Professor Binns didn't even notice. That is the kind of quality teaching that goes on in my school.
 

 

 

 

 


 

Sorry, I totally went off in a tangent there (just to warn you, I do that quite a lot) I was going to tell you about my family. Ok, I was an only child until I was five, but then Carter was born. I call him Trolley because I started calling him Cart, but then realised that was American for Trolley so I decided to be British about things and call him Trolley. He’s eleven now and finally starting Hogwarts! Then two years later when I was seven Amelie was born, I call her smelly because if you swap the ‘A’ in her name for an ‘S’ then that’s what she’s called. And although she doesn’t smell that bad, she doesn’t wash that much so when she hits puberty she’ll totally live up to her name. Then when I was nine my parents split up (again. They split up when I was three as well, but then they got back together before Trolley was born) and it hit us all pretty hard until my Mum was like, ‘wait actually we’re not splitting up… I’m pregnant!’ so when I was ten, the year before I started at Hogwarts, Daniel was born. I call him midget because, well, he is. As you can imagine that was all a bit of a shock, but my parents have promised me that there’s going to be no more kids (thank god) which I can almost believe as midget is six now (scary.)








 

 

 

 

Anyways, onwards I go… my parents are Alicia Spinnet and Lee Jordan and they’re more like friends with benefits than a couple. They’re not married or anything and they don’t really work as a couple, they’re just like two really good friends who live together and have four kids. I think it went a little bit like –





 

 

 

 

Mum: Shit, I’m pregnant




 

 

 

Dad: Well that’s awkward




 

 

 

 

Mum: Raise the baby with me?




 

 

 

 

Dad: Why not? I’ve got nothing better to do.


 

 

 


 


 

*5 years later*



  

 

 

 

 

Dad: Oh it seems like the baby’s still alive. We must be quite good at this. Let’s have another one?




 


 

 

Mum: Kira’s so angelic and lovely of course I want more



 



 

 

 

God: More fool you




 

 

 

 
 

 

 

But I might just say that because I’m a romantic.








 


 

 

 

 

Well, moving on… One of the other strange things about my parents is that my Mum is best friends with Roxy and Fred’s Mum and my Dad is like best friends with Roxy and Fred’s Dad. Which means that two best friends got together with two best friends which, I don’t know kind of seems wrong. Like me and James having kids and Alex and Roxy having kids. Like I said, just plain wrong.








 

 

 

 

Although, my Dad and Roxy and Fred’s Dad weren’t technically best friends at school because Fred and Roxy’s dad used to have another best friend. His twin. Fred senior. Who died in the battle of Hogwarts. It’s just so sad I mean I literally can’t imagine Fred or Roxy without the other one. They’re like one person only Fred’s hot and Roxy’s a bitch. Oh wait, pretend I didn’t say that.








 



 

BTW, oh dear Merlin, I’m starting to sound like Indie Montgomery who’s this girl that thinks we’re best friends and calls me babes. She’s freaking hilarious. Like for example the other day (I know it’s the holidays so it wasn’t literally the other day) someone said, ‘Is the Pope a Catholic?’ and she said, like dead serious, “Who’s the Pope?’ Not even kidding. She’s like the thickest girl I’ve ever met and yet she’s getting straight Os. And they call me a defyer of reason.






 

 

 

 

Anyway, by the way, I know I’ve mentioned my friends without actually describing them, but that’s because it’s the annual back to school bash at the Potter’s tonight. Oh dear freaking Merlin it’s tonight and I haven’t even decided what to wear.




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