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Spying On You! by megglesandpen
Chapter 1 : Spying On You!
Rating: 15+Chapter Reviews: 18

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Disclaimer: We own nothing. Well... okay... Meggles owns herself, and Dumbledore's squirt bottle, and wants to own Harry. Pene owns Pepper-Jack, the Omnipotent Voice and anything to do with Channel Twenty-Thirteen. She wouldn't mind owning Fred n' George.

Please don't sue us, JK Rowling or Warner Brothers. All you'll get is a squirt bottle, a disembodied voice, a non-existant tv channel and an alchoholic comedian.


This is a transcript of the television show Spying On You!, aired on Channel Twenty-Thirteen and hosted by comedian Pepper-Jack Thomas. The idea for the show arrived on the desk of a Mr. Quentin White, executive board member at Channel Twenty-Thirteen, in the form of a letter from a school girl named Megan, begging him to air a version of Big Brother featuring her favourite Harry Potter characters. Originally, the idea was turned down by the other executives on the board, as Big Brother had already had three seasons and a version featuring celebreties playing for charity. However, they hastily agreed when Mr White pointed out a case where their main competitor, Channel Two, had aired a version of the Dare Show for the sake of a sick little boy and changed the name to Who Dares Wins. Channel Two had taken profits in excess of $8.2 million. And so, for the sake of a poor school girl with...erm... leprosy, Channel Twenty-Thirteen aired Spying On You! the show that is not a rip-off of Big Brother.


[SCENE: INT room one]

[The inhabitants of room one pour in through the door. The room is painted a deep, rich blue with the same silver star motif as the purple lounge room. Several people breathe sighs of relief as they realise that, no, the entire house is not painted purple. The beds are simple, wooden affairs with blue blankets, sheets and pillows with the name of the person to be sleeping there embroidered on in silver. There is only one window. It is above a bed proclaiming itself to belong to DUMBLEDORE. It has blue curtains with the stars.]

[HARRY wanders among the beds looking for his. He finds it, between SIRIUS and...]

HARRY: Not him!

RON: Not who?

HARRY: [gesturing wildly at VOLDEMORT] Him!

VOLDEMORT: I am not thrilled either.

SIRIUS: [muttering as he settles on his bed] Are you ever?

[VOLDEMORT grins evilly at HARRY]

VOLDEMORT: I will get you, Harry, when you least expect it.

[HARRY sighs in exasperation and throws his pillow at VOLDEMORT, who ducks. It hits FRED in the face.]

HARRY: Sorry, Fred.

FRED: Sorry? I'll give you sorry! Have at you!

[FRED leaps at HARRY and starts hitting him with his pillow mercilessly. SIRIUS throws HARRY his pillow, and the fight is on. A wildly thrown pillow slaps RON upside the head. He joins in. FRED and RON team up against HARRY, who RON has disarmed. HARRY dodges them and is soon lost in the cloud of feathers. RON and FRED suddenly realise that they are beating up each other and look around for HARRY. As the feathers settle, HARRY and VOLDEMORT can be seen. VOLDEMORT has HARRY'S neck in a choking grip. HARRY is turning purple. DUMBLEDORE leaps forward, brandishing a squirt gun.]

DUMBLEDORE: [spraying VOLDEMORT with water from the squirt gun] Bad, Dark Lord! Mustn't kill the hero! Bad!

[VOLDEMORT releases his hands from HARRY'S throat and backs away to sulk on his bed. HARRY rubs his neck and smiles gratefully at DUMBLDORE]

HARRY: [croakily] Thanks.

[CRABBE has been watching the action from his bed.]

CRABBE: [in the same tone as Lurch from the Adams Family] Ugh.

[CRABBE lays down in his bed, pulls the covers up to his chin, and rolls over to face the wall. The others stare at him and blink a few times]

DUMBLEDORE: Perhaps we should sleep now, also.

[Obediently, the others in the room lay down to sleep. VOLDEMORT, however, remains standing.]

VOLDEMORT: I do not follow your orders!


[VOLDEMORT grudgingly clambers into his bed. The lights flicker out.]

RON: [yelling through the wall] G'night Hermione! G'night George!

FRED: [yelling also] Yeah, g'night George, Hermione!

HARRY: [yelling too] And Hagrid!

SIRIUS: [yelling] And Moony!

GEORGE: [through the wall] Night Ron, Fred, Harry!

HERMIONE: [through the wall] Yes, good night!

LUPIN: [muffled] You too, Padfoot!

HAGRID: [the floor shakes] An' you, Professor Dumbledore, sir!

SNAPE: [slightly hysterical] Shut up!

SIRIUS: [retorting] You shut up, you over grown bat!

SNAPE: [through the wall] Be quiet, you poodle!

SIRIUS: Greasy ba-!

[A pillow hits SIRIUS in the side of the head.]

HARRY: Sirius, shut up.

RON: [groans] Don't you start!


[SCENE: INT room two]

[The room is the same as the other bedroom, only it is green rather than blue. The only window is over a bed belonging to DUDLEY. The roommates have settled down onto their beds, and have just completed saying good night to friends in the other room. DUDLEY sits on his bed in the far corner, looking utterly terrified.]

HERMIONE: [worriedly] I do hope Harry will be all right with You-Know-Who in the same room as him...

GEORGE: [airily] He'll be fine. None of us have got our wands, and he's got Dumbledore.

HERMIONE: I suppose...

HAGRID: Go to sleep, you two.

[The silence in the dark room is broken by only one sound]

MALFOY: [muttering] Stupid Potter.... every one thinks.... so bloody great.... can't even fly...

HERMIONE: [through gritted teeth] Shut up, Malfoy.

MALFOY: [scathingly] Why? Don't like me talking about your boyfriend, Granger?

SNAPE: [muffled, as though coming through a pillow] I don't care if you're writing poetry about her boyfriend. Be quiet.

[Through out the Spying On You! house, people were dropping off to sleep. Now that everyone had finally shut up, SNAPE was sleeping quite soundly. HAGRID was snoring gently, even slightly rhythmically. MALFOY was talking in his sleep]

MALFOY: [mumbling] No.... not that... no!... keep them away....not that.... please.... anything.... not those!... mummy.... I want the pink ones....

[HERMIONE and GEORGE were wishing fervently that they had some way of recording this and were dying of silent laughter. LUPIN was out like a light. And DUDLEY was eating his pillow as he dreamt of pancakes. In the next room, CRABBE was sleeping peacefully with a sock stuffed in his mouth, it had been put there earlier by FRED, who had grown tired of his thundererous snores. SIRIUS was woofling and growling softly in his sleep. DUMBLEDORE was just asleep, with his squirt bottle within easy reach. VOLDEMORT and HARRY were lying facing one another, having a staring contest. Neither wanted to be the first to fall asleep. FRED and RON were quietly making bets on who would loose.]


[SCENE: INT the Spying On You! house. The middle of the night]

FRED: [grumpily] Will you two please stop glaring at one another so loudly!


[SCENE: INT the Spying On You! house. About one a.m]

MALFOY: [irrately calling though the wall] Must you blink so noisily!


[SCENE: EXT the Spying On You! house. Sunrise.]

[The back door opens. HAGRID tosses VOLDEMORT onto the verandah.]

HAGRID: An' stay out, 'til yeh can behave! An' don' look at me like that!


[SCENE: INT the Spying On You! house. Later, much later, in the morning.]

[The housemates are sitting down to a breakfast of pancakes, DUDLEY looking as though all his dreams have come true. Which they have. VOLDEMORT has been allowed back in, but only after the others have had a few more hours of sleep. As a punishment for keeping them awake all night, HARRY and VOLDEMORT were forced to take their showers after the hot water had been turned off for the day.]

LUPIN: I wouldn't have thought it was possible for two people to be silent so noisily!

HERMIONE: You realise that that doesn't make one iota of sense?

SIRIUS: Yesterday, I would've agreed with you.

MALFOY: [muttering] Know it all.

GEORGE: I'd shut up, if I were you, Malfoy.

MALFOY: Yes? Why is that?

GEORGE: [grinning smugly] Hermione and I heard you sleep talking last night....

HERMIONE: No, not those...

MALFOY: [blushing deeply] Don't say anything!

GEORGE: Oh... we won't.... for a reasonable fee.

MALFOY: I hate you. I hate you so much.

[HARRY has fallen asleep, face down, in his golden syrup. {Even in the alternate reality of the Spying On You! house, the arguement between the authoresses can be heard as to whether you eat pancakes with maple or golden syrup. One authoress' father suggests treacle} SIRIUS looks at him and shakes his head.]

SIRIUS: He'll need another shower.

FRED: [weilding the bottle of golden syrup like a weapon] Shall we pour some more on him?

RON: [brandishing the maple syrup] No! Maple!

FRED: Golden!

RON: Maple!

HERMIONE: [jumping in brightly] What about treacle?

MALFOY: We have treacle?

[Breakfast is cleared away, HARRY has another (cold) shower. The housemates sit around the now clear table, awaiting orders from the OMNIPOTENT VOICE.]


[Silence so tangible it can be cut with a knife hangs around the table like a bad smell, mingling with the authoress' bad metaphors. FRED and GEORGE were the first to gather the gall to banish these.]

FRED: You-Know-Who...

[VOLDEMORT smiles evilly]


GEORGE: [looks a little nervous, then his expression sets] Are your eyes really red?

FRED: Or do put a spell on them?

VOLDEMORT: I refuse to answer such an impertinent question!

GEORGE: You use a glamour spell, don't you.



HARRY: So... are they?

VOLDEMORT: [waspishly] What?

HARRY: Really red.

VOLDEMORT: I am not going to answer!

FRED: That means its a glamour, doesn't it.


GEORGE: Aha! So you admit it! They aren't real!

VOLDEMORT: [icily] I was referring to them being a glamour.

FRED: So they are a glamour!

[VOLDEMORT screams in rage and leaps across the table to strangle the twins. DUMBLEDORE jumps to his feet and holds his squirt bottle at the ready.]

DUMBLEDORE: [spraying more water on VOLDEMORT] Bad, Dark Lord! Mustn't kill the comic relief! Bad!

A note from Meggles: My squirt bottle!!! Mine!!

A note from Pene: Cough, golden syrup.

Yet another note from Meggles: NO Maple!!!!

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