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Pig Zits by ollieb
Chapter 10 : June – A Lack of Patience, Followed by a Reconciliation and Plans
Rating: MatureChapter Reviews: 2

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 Җ Pig Zits Җ

(June Issue)


M-Ad Libs: The Thing that Did Something

By Timmi Silverwand


When _______ applied to go to ____ deep in the __________, in order to find the lost _______, they had no idea that it was the last time that they would ever _______.


Amongst the other team members, ________ was the most famous for ________ some years previously.


‘Are you sure you want to do this?’ _______ said seriously during the interview. ‘Going to _______ has been known to ____ the ____ of many people.


‘Of course.’ _______ replied. ‘It’s a once in a lifetime opportunity. And my _____ has never ____. I’ll be fine.’


But once in the heart of ________, ______ started to feel uneasy about the state of their ______. Pushing their fears away, they reached for the _____, but discovered that it was missing from their pack!


‘I was sure that I packed my _____’ mused _____.


‘Things going missing from your pack is the first sign of your _____ _____,’ ______ said.


‘Thanks.’ ____ replied sourly.


That night, _____ decided to keep watch while everyone else slept. The night was very silently, until THUMP THUMP.


_____ jumped up and went in search of the sound. They didn’t find anything, but once _______ returned to the camp, they felt their _______ start to _____.


_______ woke up immediately when ______ shook him. Upon inspection, he murmered, ‘Yes, your _____ is indeed _______.’


‘Nooooooooooooooo.’ _____ yelled, but it was too late…



Capricorn: Force is unnecessary

Aquarius: Force is necessary

Pisces: Catch up quickly

Aries: Don’t push it

Taurus: Divination will aid you

Gemini: Someone needs support

Cancer: It’s curtains for you

Leo: Seek a lifejacket now

Virgo: The colour puce is unlucky

Libra: You will be stung

Scorpio: Courting danger

Sagittarius: Courting safety

For any more info, see Prof. Vablastky in the Divination Tower



Personal Advertisements


Hogwarts Announcement

Because of exam period and later sunset times, curfew has now been extended to 21:00. Please use this privilege responsibly.



Gilderoy Lockhart poster. If found please return to Hufflepuff owl-hole 34 for 5 sickle reward.




I think I know who you are, and if you are, then you need to wake up and smell the dragon dung. You know that LT fancies you, so you sort it out between yourselves. I’m so out.




Secret Sorceress


We would like to make it clear that all entries are entirely confidential as is the identity of the secret sorceress so those of you wasting your time trying to break into the last room on corridor 18, several more spells have been added.



To Secret Sorceress,

I’m a muggleborn and my wizarding friends keep laughing at me when I use modern language like ‘cray’ and ‘jonesing’. It’s not my fault they’re in touch with modern culture. How can I get them to stop making fun of me?

From, Craydawg


Dear Craydawg,

Your friends have a point. Using words like ‘jonesing’ is utterly pointless if no one’s going to understand you. Nevertheless, if you want them to stop making fun of you, just keep using your slang words. Your friends will get so used to them that they’ll start using them and forget that it’s stupid.

Love, Secret Sorceress


Dear Secret Sorceress,

Although I’m studying all the time I really don’t feel prepared compared to my classmates who never study but know everything.

From Back-of-the-Class


Dear Back-of-the-class

Your classmates are lying. Even a naturally bright person cannot automatically know the date of the goblin convention concerning Germany’s Statute of Secrecy without at least reading the book. Just keep doing what you’re doing and ignore the fake show-offs.

Love, Secret Sorceress



Dear Secret Sorceress,

I feel like I want to go all the way with my boyfriend but I’m not sure about all the details and how to stay safe and what spells can help protect me and what spells can help generally and make it good because I want our first time to be magical. Can you tell me everything I need to know?

First Timer


Dear First Timer,

I’m afraid I can’t condone having sex inside the confines of the castle because either it’s unsociable to your roommates or you run the risk of being caught by a teacher, and being in separate detentions is very much not romantic. However, I won’t presume to know every secret chamber in Hogwarts… As to the mechanics of it all, The Magic of Love is available in the Restricted Section of the Library and explicitly describes everything you need to know.  If you’re an older student, you can just take it out, but if you’re a younger student you need permission to borrow it, so I’d recommend going to Madame Valentine, who I’m sure will be happy to discreetly give you the signature needed.

Love, Secret Sorceress



If you would like to send a message to the Secret Sorceress, leave a message in the Owl-Hole outside the last room on corridor 18.


The Current House Point Score Stands as Follows:

Gryffindor Ravenclaw Hufflepuff Slytherin

      592          592           447      599



House-Elf of the Month


Kreacher II

            Patience has never been one of my virtues. As a child I was imperious and whiny, but over the years I’ve learnt how to manipulate people into getting a Crouching move on. Unfortunately, all the tricks I’ve ever learnt don’t work if the person you want to get a move on isn’t there to be manipulated. Try as I might, I have never been able to send psychic messages to people I can’t see, and usually, that hasn’t caused me too many problems.

            However, even Hufflepuffs don’t appreciate one irate and slightly insane sixth year trying to hammer down the Portrait Door that leads to the Hufflepuff common room, especially in the run up to the exam period

            No luck for that sixth year at all, because it was Felicity Joyce-Cauldwell that came out, not Lucy, or Jena Longbottom, or even some obliging Hufflepuff first year. Felicity didn’t even listen to her, or what the sixth year wanted, she just lectured her for five minutes and went back inside, with the threat of calling the Head of House if she persisted.

            That irate sixth year happened to be me, by the way.


            And why was I trying to batter my way into the Hufflepuff common room? Because, after having had a revelation and running away from Timmi, I discovered that Lucy wasn’t in the Library where I left her. And she was suspiciously absent from dinner.

            And after a very long time of not having caught even a glimpse of Lucy’s hide or hair, I decided to go straight to where she was most probably hiding. This plan took quite a while to bring to fruition, due to the fact that even the Hufflepuffs jealously guarded the secret of the entrance to their common room.

            It took a lot of sneaking around and following various people sporting black and yellow ties, but eventually I discovered the entrance that was in the North-East corner of the castle, near the bust of Trismegistus. And after that I tried to find out the password, but this was slightly harder. It didn’t help that the portrait door took a dislike to me and invariable turned into a picture of a wall whenever I passed.

            After one particularly frustrating afternoon, where Professor Creevey had given me a Poor on an essay I’d tried really hard on, I just went straight down there and started banging on the portrait door.


            Outside the Secret Sorceress office there’s a little post-hole that people put their letters in, and every week we have a couple, so one Thursday before dinner I went up to the office to try and answer some more posts (with great difficulty).

            I waved my wand, opened the post-hole and gathered all of the notes that had been stuffed in there. There were a little more than usual, but it wasn’t until I’d gone into the office and put the notes on the little spike that I noticed that the topmost one was not an actual post.




            ‘Lorcan!’ I yelled, running to the Great Hall, where most of the school were having dinner.

            I reached him just as he was about to get up and leave the table with his friends.

            ‘What, Rose?’ He asked, alarmed at my reddened cheeks and panting.

            I pulled him away from his friends. ‘We got another one.’ I muttered, and showed him the note.

            He glanced at it, nodded tightly and went back to his friends.

            I sighed and sat down myself to eat.


            ‘Don’t you think your time would be better spent studying than searching for someone who may or may not have your copy of ‘749 Spells for Incredibly Specific Occasions?’ Kalliope tentatively suggested to me as we were sitting at our table in the Great Hall, drinking ice cold pumpkin juice. I’d used the excuse that Lucy had borrowed it to explain why I had been stomping all around school instead of revising for exams, which were coming up pretty much- now.

            ‘I really need it.’ I lied, craning my neck to see whether Lucy was at the Hufflepuff table or not. She was not.

            ‘Um, Rose.’ Kalliope said nervously. ‘A Slytherin seventh-year is heading towards us, and uh, she doesn’t look happy.’

            As diligently as I’d been searching for Lucy, I’d been avoiding Timmi. Obviously I had to see her during Pig Zits meetings, but I arrived as late and left as early as possible, escaping to the Secret Sorceress office when ever she looked particularly purposeful, seeing as she was no longer allowed in. But I was usually relatively safe in the Great Hall, because on one hand I took care to always eat at unusual times and secondly, we weren’t really supposed to be approaching each other in public or suspicions would be aroused. However, it seemed like I wasn’t the only one resorting to desperate measures.

            ‘Rose.’ Timmi said brusquely. ‘Lorcan wants to see you in the Pig Zits office.’

            So that was her excuse. Well, I wasn’t falling for it, especially as I had seen Lorcan half an hour before. ‘Sorry,’ I said coolly, ‘I have this thing.’

            ‘Lorcan says he got you a note excusing you from any things you might have to do.’ Timmi said. She thrust a grubby piece of parchment at me. Darn, she’d thought of everything.

            ‘Alright.’ I sighed. ‘See you later, Kal.’

            I followed Timmi up to the Pig Zits office where, predictably, Lorcan was nowhere to be seen. I looked around, mock-surprised. ‘I thought Lorcan wanted to see me?’

            Timmi rolled her eyes. ‘Don’t pretend like you didn’t know that I wasn’t telling the truth.’

            ‘Alright.’ I leant back on a desk. ‘So, what do you want?’

            ‘We got another note.’ Timmi said, proffering me the small note. I looked at it curiously.




            ‘When’s the next Hogsmeade weekend?’ I asked numbly.

            ‘In a few weeks,’ Timmi sighed. ‘I can’t see a way out of this. I’m going to have to go out with this creep.’

            ‘You don’t have to.’ I protested. ‘I’ll find him out before then.’

            Timmi shook her head. ‘It doesn’t matter. But I had something else I wanted to say to you.’

            ‘What?’ I asked.

            Timmi gave me a small smile. ‘I’m sorry.’

            I stared at her. ‘I’m sorry?’

            ‘Yeah.’ Timmi nodded.

            ‘Oh.’ I said. To be honest, I was in shock. Timmi never apologised. At least, not first.

            ‘I’m sorry for overreacting when you told me about Rudolfe and Mario. I guess it wasn’t your fault. I shouldn’t have blown up at you like that. You were only doing what you thought was right.’ Timmi said. ‘But you shouldn’t have run away-’

            ‘Oh.’ I said again. ‘I wasn’t really running away from you. I had a brain wave. I was actually kind of trying to help you.’

            Timmi looked disbelieving.

            ‘Well, this blackmailer person thinks the Secret Sorceress is you.’ I explained.

            ‘So?’ Timmi asked.

            ‘If the blackmailer told people, you would never be able to work as a Secret Sorceress again.’ I said. ‘And that would… that would suck.’

            ‘Rose,’ Timmi said, exasperated. ‘I’m graduating at the end of this year. And the end of this year isn’t so far away. There’re only a couple of issues left.’

            ‘I know,’ I said, looking down. ‘But just in case…’

            When I looked up again, Timmi was grinning. ‘Don’t try to pull that one on me. I know how you think. You were just painfully curious.’

            ‘I guess.’ I admitted.

            Timmi laughed. ‘Well, it’s what I would have done.’

            ‘Timmi, I’m sorry about accusing you of blackmailing me.’ I said.

            Timmi shrugged. ‘Doesn’t matter now. D’you reckon Lorcan will let me come back as a Secret Sorceress again?’

            ‘For sure.’ I said, nodding vigorously. ‘I was rubbish at it by myself. Lorcan was despairing already.’

            ‘If the blackmailer doesn’t reveal my identity.’ Timmi sighed. ‘Who did you think it was, after me, anyway?’

            ‘My cousin Lucy.’ I whispered. ‘I’ve been trying to find her-’

            But Timmi was shaking her head. ‘If there’s one thing I’ve learnt from Secret Sorceress-ing, it’s that personality always comes through. And Lucy isn’t the type.’

            ‘Then why is she hiding from me?’ I wailed.

            ‘Hiding?’ Timmi laughed. ‘Rose, all the fourth-years are on a residential to France. They get back in a couple of weeks. My cousin Alexandra is on it.’

            ‘Alright,’ I said, rallying, ‘She knew that I was looking for Lorcan when I was looking for him-’

            ‘That doesn’t mean that she’s the blackmailer,’ Timmi said. ‘It actually sounds like she’s just really, really clever. Maybe she figured it out. What were you wearing?’

            ‘Uh, school uniform,’ I said, perplexed. ‘Oh, except my jumper, because I’d spilled ink all over it.’

            ‘You see?’ Timmi said triumphantly. ‘Your cousin is just smart. She saw that you were covered in ink and because the Pig Zits office doesn’t have inkstands she must have guessed - hey, maybe she knows who the blackmailer is!’ Timmi interrupted herself excitedly.

            ‘You- you think?’ I said.

            Timmi nodded vigorously. ‘You just ask her.’

            ‘Alright.’ I said. ‘I will.’

            And just like that, we were friends again.


            Not all friendships were as easily repaired, however. I returned to the common room to find Kalliope in tears.

            Ever since the Big Breakup at New Years and the Big Bust-Up after that, I’d been wishing for a bit more peace and quiet from the Kalliope-Albus part of my life. And mostly, I’d gotten my wish. But not really in the way that I wanted. It’s painful to have such close friends constantly on the edge. And it’s made even more painful by the fact that Kalliope, despite it all, frequently tries to make reconciliations. She gives him small smiles, and asks him how his day was, and how his Defence essay was going (she never asked me this). And Albus won’t have it. He ignores her smiles, gives brusque descriptions and pointedly doesn’t say anything.

            I haven’t really spoken to him about this. All the tetchiness that Scorpius had at the beginning of the year seemed to have been completely transferred into Albus. Merlin knows I’ve done nothing wrong, yet I get treated almost the same way as Kalliope. Maybe he thinks that I’m encouraging Kalliope to make his life hell. Well, I’m not. I think that Kalliope should leave Albus alone for a bit so he can settle down and stop feeling bitter, but Kalliope maintains that she’s doing nothing wrong. She’s just being the way she was before they even started going out. And every time I argue Kalliope just gets upset. So both Albus and Kalliope are off limits at the moment.

            Scorpius however, seems to have improved in everyway possible. His tetchiness is gone, he’s not so uptight and we’re closer than ever before. We sit up and talk long after Albus and Kalliope have gone to bed, discussing everything from NEWTs to families to Albus and Kalliope themselves. Scorpius believes he knows why Albus is so tetchy.

            ‘It’s because he’s being worn down by Kalliope.’ Scorpius explained to me one evening as we sat in the library, supposedly finishing our Ancient Runes essays. ‘And he knows it.’

            ‘Did he tell you this?’ I asked, not so much insulted by the fact that Albus wouldn’t share with me but would share with Scorpius, as resigned to the fact.

            ‘No.’ Scorpius said, shrugging. ‘But I can see it in his face. Every time she talks to him it costs him a little more to turn away.’

            ‘Then why turn away at all?’ I asked, exasperated. ‘If it’s causing him pain why doesn’t he just let her?’

            ‘I don’t really know.’ Scorpius said pensively. ‘There’s a lot about their relationship that we never knew. It could be something to do with that. Or maybe, he’s just too proud.’

            ‘Albus, proud?’ I asked sceptically. ‘He would have been practically whipped when he and Kal were going out if it weren’t for the fact that she’s even more timid than he is!’

            ‘I don’t think so.’ Scorpius said. ‘I think they were a lot freer with each other than even us. It was a really intense relationship.’

            Okay, what was up with Scorpius? Why did he have to be more knowledgeable than me? Seriously, it was like none of my opinions could ever be right any more.

            Scorpius saw the look of annoyance on my face and guessed correctly from whence it came. ‘Or I could be wrong.’ He laughed.

            There was another giggle from behind us. I looked around to see some fifth year girl glancing at Scorpius as she passed with her friend, still giggling. I turned back round to Scorpius, hoping for an expression of some kind of annoyance or disgust, but mostly resigned to the fact that Scorpius’ ego would be inflated to the size of a Zeppelin.

            And yes, indeed, Scorpius was looking at me, his expression incredibly smug. I chucked a scrunched-up piece of parchment at him.

            ‘What?’ Scorpius said indignantly, expertly deflecting the make-shift ball. Aren’t I allowed to enjoy my freedom?’

            ‘You haven’t been enjoying it that much,’ I pointed out. ‘Maybe instead of sitting there looking idiotic you should go find that girl and ask her out.’ I teased.

            Scorpius’ grin faded and was replaced by a scowl. ‘She’s not my type.’

            ‘Then what is?’ I asked, genuinely curious.

            Scorpius shrugged. ‘Dunno. Guys don’t really have types. It’s just a combination of girls who go for them and their preferences.’

            The words rang a bell.

            ‘You’ve been reading Secret Sorceress!’ I said, astounded.

            Scorpius turned bright red. ‘I didn’t know you read Secret Sorceress.’

            ‘I’m on the team, moron.’ I said, laughing. ‘I see every Pig Zits issue before it’s even in print.’

            ‘I didn’t think…’ Scorpius muttered.

            I couldn’t stop laughing. I never expected Scorpius to have this mushy a side. ‘Why do you read it?’

            ‘I… wanted… you know, to… uh…’ I’d never seen Scorpius look so uncomfortable, surpassing even the time when his little sister Belle accidently let slip that she’d had her tongue in someone else’s mouth.

            Suddenly it clicked. ‘You sent a letter in, didn’t you?’

            ‘I-’ Scorpius started, but before I could figure out which note it was, something served to distract me entirely from his answer.

            ‘Molly said you were looking for me?’ Lucy said, coming up to me.


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