Disclaimer: HP belongs to J.K. Rowling. Pigfarts belongs to Starkid Productions. Everything that you don’t recognize belongs to me. This whole thing is really fluffy and weird. If you think it’s really stupid or don’t understand go look up A Very Potter Musical on YouTube. You will understand my inspiration.
The man turned around, trademark sneer in place. “Who else?”
“But … Why are you on Mars?” Pansy asked.
“Because I should have gone here instead of Hogwarts,” Malfoy uttered the name with disgust.
“Then why didn’t you just go here?” Harry asked, almost rudely.
“I couldn’t just go to Pigfarts. It’s on Mars. I would have needed a rocket ship. Do you have your own rocket ship Potter? I bet you do.” Malfoy said with a sneer. “You know, not all of us inherited enough money to buy out NASA when our parents died!” *
The Hogwarts Students gaped at Malfoy while the three Pigfarts students snorted with laughter.
“Look,” Malfoy said when the other girls stopped laughing, “you’re all here for three months, so let’s get some things straight. First of all, I’m not who you remember, so don’t treat me like I’m your friend. Second, disturb Rumbleroare and I will personally kill you. Third, if you go snooping around, Marie,” he gestured to the curvy blonde, “will torture you to the point of insanity. Fourth, if you do anything to break any of the rules, Katarina,” he gestured to the ink creature, “will test out her random cooking experiments on you.”
“Shut up.” Katarina said, grinning. Malfoy shot her a small, almost imperceptible smile.
“We’re all here to learn.” the green boy said, “so let’s all just try to get along and follow the rules.”
“So we should probably properly introduce ourselves. My name is Marie Antoinette.” the curvy blonde said, “I was born in 1755 and was executed during the French Revolution in 1793. The thing was that I had so much unused magic in my body that I was given the choice to die or to live once I reached the crossroads. I chose to live and I have been here at Pigfarts ever since. I died at 38, but I came back looking like 17 and I will always look like 17. I can’t die.”
“I is Katarina Lantratov.” said the ink creature. “I comes from the Darking Colonies on the eastern edge of the Canis Major Dwarf Galaxy, as is called on earth. I has been alive for 96,023 centennial jurisdictions. Mys maturity be 16.”
“I’m Ferdie.” the blue-haired man said. “I come from the Aquatic planet of *@!?!/*& in the &#^%#?@! hemisphere. I am 2 in earth years, which works out to be roughly 19 years old on *@!?!/*&. As a species, we tend to live for roughly 1000 earth years.”
“And I am Draco Malfoy, son of Luscious Malfoy and Narcissa Black. I was previously a Slytherin at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry and am currently the Student Ambassador at Pigfarts Intergalactic School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. I am 18 years old in earth years, which is my home planet.”
The Hogwarts students gaped at the four young adults standing in front of them. It was all almost too much to comprehend. A resurrected figure from their own history, two aliens, and a classmate who wouldn’t acknowledge them as friends.
“So we decided that each of us will take a house.” Marie said, “We drew straws to see who would choose first and we ended up with Katarina choosing first, then me, then Draco, and then Ferdie last.”
“I likes the color yellow,” Katarina said, glancing the bunch of us over. “So I guesses I’ll take you lot.”
“Hufflepuff’s are particularly good finders! **” Hannah Abbott added.
“What the hell is a Hufflepuff? ***” Katarina asked. Everyone just stared at her.
“Well, moving on. It’s my turn to pick. I think I’ll take you Gryffindors.” Marie Antoinette said. Hermione couldn’t help being a bit relieved that they hadn’t ended up with Draco. Speaking of which…
“I’ll take the Slytherins, I suppose.” he said in a bored voice.
“You suppose?” Pansy asked shrilly. The four ambassador’s shushed her hurriedly, glancing with slightly panicked expressions towards the school.
After waiting for several minutes in vain for something to happen, Ferdie finally said, “And that means that I get the Ravenclaws. Which is rather good, considering how much I like smart people. All right then, Ravenclaws, follow me.” And the eight Ravenclaws followed.
“Comes along Poofs, let’s go find the dormitories!” Katarina sing-songed.
“It’s Puffs not Poofs.” Justin muttered, as he and the other five Hufflepuffs sulked after the Ink Creature.
“I suppose you lot need to know where your sleeping.” Malfoy said, grimacing as he led the five Slytherins away.
“I want to show you Gryffindors the armory first. It is by far the most interesting room in all of Pigfarts.” Marie Antoinette declared, sweeping gracefully towards the stone entrance. The seven Gryffindors ran to catch up, and their stay at Pigfarts began.
They attended regular classes with their “Heads of House”. The subjects were different from those taught at Hogwarts, but none of the Exchangers fell too far behind.
They took eight different classes. These were Intergalactic Affairs, Magical Mysteries and Paradoxes of Space, The Space Time Continuum 101, Creating Water from Scratch, Advanced Blaster Class, Intermediate Swordsmanship: Casting Spells With Your Magical Weapon, The Basics Of Rocket Ships, and Algebra.
They were all given their own blasters and their own magical swords. They also had new books and odd calculators that helped with all of the math in STC and Algebra.
Everyone had their difficulties. The Ravenclaws and Hermione excelled in most of the subjects, except for the physical ones. For some reason, Harry was one of the best at Algebra. Everyone else coasted through the classroom subjects. Most of them enjoyed the weapons classes the most.
Blaster Class wasn’t difficult. It was basically just taught the students how to hold, shoot, and not kill themselves with their blasters. The harder class was Intermediate Swordsmanship.
The first month at Pigfarts, they only learned how to hold the sword properly, and how to execute a few basic moves. The rest of the class time was used building muscles and stamina. The Hogwarts students who played Quidditch didn’t find this too difficult, but the more bookish ones like Hermione and the Ravenclaws had a hard time keeping up.
Hermione was actually so bad in that class that, after only one week, Swordsmaster Numpshion assigned her tutoring sessions with Ferdie as her instructor. The Water Creature had seemed friendly and patient at first, but he revealed himself to be intolerant and pushy, constantly asking how the hell a person could be so bloody awful at such simple moves.
After a week of tutoring, Hermione had already learned to dread the sessions. She only ever seemed to be getting worse. The constant exercising made her muscles ache and the ache seemed to double each day. She could barely move some mornings because of how sore she was.
By now, they were all two and a half weeks into their stay at Pigfarts. The Gryffindor’s were sitting in the Green Room, as the common area was called for no particular reason, (there wasn’t a spec of green to be seen anywhere.)
“No, Ron, you need eight parts N61KS9-4 and seven parts H2E32IN9, not the other way around.” Hermione corrected for the dozenth time.
“Just give it up, ‘Mione. I will thirst to death. I’ll never be able to make water.” Ron said.
“Make water.” Seamus snorted.
“How is that funny?” Ron demanded.
“Make water.” Seamus insisted, “You know, piss... Make water…”
“God, you are so immature.” Hermione exclaimed.
“Sophisticated bathroom humour. Back in first year, making water would have been making water, not pissing. I am much more sophisticated now.” Seamus insisted.
“You’re demented.” Ron muttered, so low that only Hermione could hear. She giggled. Ron grinned.
“I love it when you giggle.” he murmured, leaning in for a kiss as Hermione’s watch shrieked out, “TUTORING!!”
“I hate that bloody watch.” Ron said darkly.
Hermione just smiled and gathered up her things. “Could you bring my books back to the dorm room Padma?”
“Sure Hermione. Have fun!”
“Ya right.” Hermione muttered to herself as she shifted her bag on her shoulder, and walking down the deserted hallway towards the fencing studio. “Have fun getting worked to the edge of death. Have fun getting yelled at by a know-it-all prick who thinks he’s ‘Oh-so-special’ because he has blue hair and green abs. Ya, Padma, I’ll have loads of fun.”
Once she reached the studio, Hermione dumped her bag by the door, and then changed quickly into her fencing gear, an armoured jumpsuit that fit so close it may as well have been skin. It was black with red circles around the cuffs and around the collar, which hugged her neck. The jumpsuit had Gryffindor stitched across the left breast in gold.
Hermione finished pulling on her black boots, tying back her hair, and buckling on her sword before beginning her warm up. They had all been warned that if they were ever found in the fencing studio at any time without their sword belted firmly to the waist and thigh (A/N: again, Hon Solo style.) they would be failed immediately.
Hermione sighed, steeled herself, and began her first set of one hundred jumping jacks. She then did fifty crunch ups, fifty pushups, fifty sit ups, and ten minutes of plank. After repeating the whole set twice, she wiped sweat out of her eyes and glanced towards the door of the fencing studio. Ferdie hadn’t shown up yet. He was usually here by now.
Hermione shrugged, retied her hair, and, sword drawn, assumed her guard position. She started going through the movements of the basic fight pattern that they had learned in class, but she couldn’t concentrate, she kept glancing towards the door. Where the bloody hell was that annoying green creep?
“Damn it, Granger, focus.” she muttered, reassuming her guard position. She closed her eyes in order to concentrate better and found that it helped. Raising the sword into a block position above her head, she began the sequence.
Block high, block right, strike left, strike right, sweep their feet. Block high, sweep low, block low, strike high. Strike right; block right, left strike, left block, lunge, guard and repeat.
Without opening her eyes, Hermione smiled grimly. Block high, block right, strike left, strike right. This wasn’t so hard. Sweep their feet, block high, sweep low, block low. Strike high, strike right; block right, left strike–
Hermione’s eyes snapped open in shock as the ring of metal on metal disturbed her calm.
She barely had time to register the sword that had connected with hers, before it was moving, effortlessly forming the offensive moves that she had been practicing diligently only a moment before. She didn’t dare look to see who was attacking her, she just assumed that it was Ferdie.
The attacker began to pick up speed, driving her towards the wall of the classroom. Hermione kept her eyes desperately trained on the whirling blade, tracing its movements, moving as fast as she could to block as many of the blows as possible.
Her arms grew heavy and leaden as they absorbed the impact from the onslaught. She gave up ground, trying to get away. Sweat dripped into her eyes, stinging. She took another step back. And another, and another.
Then her back hit the wall. No, not the wall, the corner. Somehow, Ferdie had gotten her into a corner.
The sword was coming down again. Hermione tried to black it, but Ferdie feinted, locked hilts, and twisted his sword sending hers flying. She felt the cool kiss of metal on her throat.
“You should be grateful that I’m not a Death Eater anymore, Granger,” Hermione finally looked into the sneering face of Draco Malfoy, “Or you would be dead.”
A/N: Yay!! I like where this is going. I have visions. The hard part is to not make them come out in really obvious twists and turns. Some of it is going to be obvious. Draco will kiss her at some point (It’s a Dramione, what else would happen?) and of course it was Draco attacking her, but I’ll try not to make it cliché.
Warn me if I’m getting there though. I really want to do Starkid proud and not make this a stupid story. Aka, I would like reviews (I’m requesting, not begging.) It is, of course, still your choice!
Until next time fellow Starkiddies!
*A Very Potter Musical Act 1 Part 4, 6:30, Draco Malfoy played by Lauren Lopez
** A Very Potter Musical Act 1 Part 3, 1:03, Cedric Diggory played by Tyler Brunsman
*** A Very Potter Musical Act 1 Part 3, 1:05, Albus Dumbledore played by Dylan Saunders
Write a Review Pigfarts, Pigfarts, Here We Come!!: Chapter 2