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How To Win Over A Witch by iheartyou
Chapter 4 : Rule #4-Defend Her Honor
 
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HOW TO WIN OVER A WITCH

As told by none other than James Sirius Potter.

Of course.

 

Now, my lovely nerdies, you may not have been as lucky a bastard as I was, which meant you got blown off by your witch, and in fact, did not get a kiss like I had.

If you must know, yes, I am smirking right now and giving you that all-knowing look.

However, my sweet little nerd student minion person thing, if you have been doing as splendid as I hope you should, judging by the fact that you are, in fact, learning from the best of the best (ahem, moi), then you, as well as I, are well on our way to getting the muggleborn to go on a date with us, er, you! You, not us.

Now, now, minion, clam down. Slow the hell down. There’s steps to get there, minion. You can’t just go willy nilly and just bloody ask them out! Molly must be mistaken. Albeit, she never has been before, but there’s a first for everything, eh?

Now, the next rule is a very, very simple one. Even simpler than rule #3.

 

Rule #4

Defend their honor.

This is explicitly easy as pie when aiming towards a muggleborn, because of all those pureblood judgmental arses (Did I just curse my blood type?)

 

“C’mon, mate, we’re brothers!” I whined. “Albie, please? I’m begging, little brother! Oh, would you quit laughing at my dilemma?”

He has a disease. I’m almost positive of it. Albus just seems to not be able to quit laughing. Surely there’s a disease for such a thing?

I dunno, like a Laughing Syndrome or summat? Laughter-Box Disease? LBD, for short.

See! It even sounds like a disease! LBD. El-Bee-Dee. Elbeedee. Lbd. LBD.

I am not mental.

Stop judging me, nerd.

“Molly?” I turned to her, desperately. She huffed in annoyance, and tapped her foot.

“James, half of this school is in some relation to us, and you decide to pick the nagging cousin and non-stop laughing little brother?” She questioned, as if she were questioning my sanity. “And I don’t know why you expect Nina to go out with you. Who on earth would want to be your girlfriend, with that ridiculous messy hair of yours? Do you ever even cut that stuff? And what type of style is that-putting it up in all directions! Look at the state of your robes, James, you’re a pig! Have you even a brain in that noggin of yours?”

I gave her a plain look. “Dear merlin, something must be wrong with me if I went to Nag McNag Molly,” I groaned, placing my head in my hands.

And through all this, Albus still hadn’t stopped laughing. “What do we call Al? I mean, Nag McNag Molly sounds nice because of the ‘m’ and ‘n.’”

Molly gave me one of her ‘Nag McNag’ looks. Which basically meant she was ready to start nagging again.

What, Merlin, what had I done to deserve this kind of family?

“I would have done better to go to Lily and Rose,” I sighed.

At this, Albus stopped laughing at once and Molly stopped nagging. Geez. All it took for them to be serious was threaten replacements? And it was hardly even a threat!

“Okay, okay I’m sorry, James,” Albus said after he shut up. “Now what are we supposed to do about your love life?”

Ahem, Nerd, you may not be as fortunate a lucky bastard as I am, which means you may not have an Albus or Molly in your life…

Or a Lily or Rose to threaten with, for that matter.

So I suppose you’ll just have to have a best substitute for your benefit.

I shrugged. “Something. Anything. Just help me,” I told them.

Molly rolled her eyes. “Look, James, I don’t have time for your crap. I’ve got to patrol in ten minutes, and in case you’ve forgotten, it’s with your soul mate. So piss off.”

I blinked at stared at my cousin. Geez. Who knew she could be so…hotheaded?

When I didn’t respond, she slammed her shoulder against mine and left it to the two of us-Al and I. I turned to him, a pleading look on my face.

He tapped his foot. “Look mate, I’ve got to go patrol the other side of the castle,” he said, and left me to myself.

Damn Molly and her Ravenclaw prefect-ness. Damn Albus and his Slytherin prefect-ness. Damn…hmm. Well I’m the Gryffindor prefect. Sure as hell wouldn’t want to damn myself.

Nor Nina. So damn all prefects and prefect-ness in all places but in Gryffindor. Bloody arses. They’d both probably badmouth me to and in front of Nina anyhow.

***

You cannot, cannot, blame me for my actions. I was so fairly certain that Molly and Allie would say every possible wrong thing to Nina.

You, my lovely, darling nerd, may be somewhat confused.

Allow me to jot back two hours.

TWOHOURSBACK-TWOHOURSBACK-TWOHOURSBACK-TWOHOURSBACK-TWOHOURSBACK

I am, of course, the one and only James Sirius Weasley-Potter. My parents are war heroes. My uncle and aunt are at the same amount of fame and respect as my father. And my father is the biggest hero and savior of the wizarding world.

My father also owns the one, invisibility cloak and Marauders Map. Granted, it’s been handed off for generations (not really, it kind of only started with Grandpa James), and I suppose I’d expected for it to be given to me on my first year of Hogwarts.

It wasn’t.

So, by the power of mischief and mauradery given to me by my darling gramps, I nicked both off my dad.

So, anyways, the point to that fascinating tale was that I now technically own the invisibility cloak, of which I chose to use to follow Molly and Nina that night.

I mean, I had to know the damage that Molly and Allie were going to do, right?

So there I was, sneaking around behind them. Nina looked spectacular, I mean, as usual, of course. And Molly being Molly hadn’t said one word to her.

I was beginning to think that Molly wouldn’t do anything to help or sink how I looked in Nina’s eyes.

And then she opened her gob.

“So you know my cousin.”

Nina looked at her and just stared. “I would know almost all of them, yes. Louis, Dominique, Victoire, Teddy now too, I suppose after marriage. Hugo, Rose. Fred, Roxanne, Lucy. Lily, Albus, James-”

“YES. James. That cousin,” Molly quickly cut her off. Nina narrowed her eyes.

“Sure, I guess you could say I…know him.”

Molly was silent for a moment. “He’s a right pig headed arse.”

“Hmm.”

“He has no value of anyone’s emotions.”

“Fair point.”

“He does before he thinks which almost always guarantees a slap in the face to him.”

“Don’t I know it.”

By this point, I was ready to strangle Molly.

“But it doesn’t change the fact that he does it because he’s an idiot. He doesn’t know how else do go about it. He’s stupid, he’s arrogant, he’s pride-filled. But he’s not dishonest. He’s not intentionally mean. And he’s not a cheating backstabbing man-whore like your last boyfriend,” Molly told her knowingly.

And then that feeling deflated and I loved my cousin Molly once more.

I watched Nina’s delicate features as she took this information in. Then, so very, very slowly, she asked, “How did you know about my last boyfriend?”

Molly looked defeated. “Because he cheated on you with me. But I didn’t even know that he was cheating on anyone! He told me that you broke up with him. And it wasn’t until he cheated on me with Missy Longbottom that he came clean to me, at least, in a rude and obnoxious manner. After screwing Missy, who hadn’t a clue, he broke up with her and moved on to another victim.”

Okay, that bit of a fact, I had no idea about. Who the hell was this jerk, anyways? Playing around with not only one of my favorite cousins, but my for sure soul mate, and my godfather’s daughter?! That was just stepping the line.

Nina tutted. “I assume Professor Longbottom didn’t take it too kindly, huh? Arse had it coming.”

Molly looked over at Nina at that point. “He really does mean well.”

Nina blinked. “Mason Llewy?”

Molly scowled at the name. “No. Never. Not that arse. He couldn’t keep it in his pants if he tried. He couldn’t ever mean well. I meant James. He means well, he just doesn’t understand how to put it in terms that you’d like. He’s not too well with girls, in case you hadn’t noticed.”

What an outrage! I am too good with girls!

Nina smiled. She actually smiled at Molly’s speech! Maybe Moll did know what she was doing…

Molly grinned and turned to face her. “So does that mean that you’re okay with my jackarse of a cousin?”

Nina hummed, feigning like she was thinking hard. “Yeah, I think I am.”

“Awesome,” Molly said. “Maybe he’ll stop pestering Al and I now.” Nina rolled her eyes. Then she froze.

“Do you hear something?” For a second I figured she heard me.

Then Molly stopped walking and listened. “I…yeah, I do. It sounds like it’s coming from there,” she said, pointing to the broom cupboard.

Molly and Nina locked eyes. “Whoever’s in there, it better not be one of my relatives, or I’m going to puke,” Molly stated. Nina snorted and blasted the door open.

From inside, a couple of shrieks were heard. I peered over to see that Mucliber and his whore of the week, Penny Parkinson-Avery, were in there. Nina made a disgusted face. “Oh, gross! Merlin, get out of there! Twenty points from Slytherin and a detention for both of you.”

“You better watch it, you filthy mudblood,” Mulciber spat. He even had the audacity to spit on her shoes! Granted, she stepped back, but still!

It was rather tempting to throw off my cloak and hex him, but Molly would skin me alive…and Nina would hate my guts. That was really the clincher there.

And then, bloody hell, Albus shows up out of absolutely nowhere and starts to stare down Mucliber, who had this total cocky look on his face.

Al looked ready to pound Mucliber’s face in, and no one really paid any attention to Parkinson…or Avery. No one really knows which last name she has after her parents split.

Anyways, that is, no one paid any attention to her until she stared spewing out filth and garbage targeted towards Nina.

“Oh, you disgusting little tramp,” she said, easing in on her slowly, and condescendingly. She looked quite drunk, to be honest. Nina cocked a brow very coolly.

“Gee, now isn’t that the hypocritical phrase of the year, coming from…” Nina never finished, only gestured her hand to Mulciber and the cupboard. Nina is quite witty. I know. That’s one of the reasons why I like her so much.

But then Parkinson-Avery had the audacity to slap my soul mate! And shut up, Nerd, you know Nina is my soul mate. I’m James Potter. Who would resist having the title of being my soul mate?

Not the point at the moment. Point is, she slapped Nina, Mulciber turned his wand on Molly, and Albus jumped on Mulciber’s back and started to pound down on his back, muggle fighting.

They all looked rather ridiculous, if I say so myself. Except Nina. And…well…maybe Molly. Maybe. But only because she said nice things to Nina.

But, Nina. Oh merlin, Nina. She just laughed in Parkinson-Avery’s face. “Go ahead, Penny, slap me all you want. Kick me, pull out my hair. Hex me, curse me! Dig your heel in my foot. I don’t care, Penny. You want to know why? Because it doesn’t change the fact that you are nothing but a lying,” Nina took one step forward and Penny (who looked half scared and half surprised at the same time) took one foot back, “cheating,” one step forward, one step more back. “Skanking.” And again. “Deceitful.” One more. “Conniving.” Once again. “Manipulative.” Again. “Bitching.” And again. “Scared and frightful little girl,” Nina said, when Penny jerked when she hit her back against the wall. Nina had a fake little pout on her face and then she sneered at Penny. “You should learn by now, Penny, that nothing you say can ever hurt me.” With that, Nina stepped back and went to leave with Al and Moll.

See, Nerd, you may (if you’re as nerdy as I assume you to be) be thinking ‘well, what the hell is this lesson teaching us? He didn’t do anything to ‘defend her honor’!’

See, that part’s coming up right now.

Just when they had their backs turned (Nina, Molly, and Albus), Mulciber raised his wand and pointed right at Nina when she bellowed behind her, “Fifty points from Slytherin and a week’s worth of detention for the both of you.”

So I threw off my cloak and yelled, “Protego!” just as Mulciber shot a stunning spell. Of course it rebounded, and Mulciber is far faster than Parkinson-Avery could ever dream of, so he dodged it when it shot back, and it hit Penny square in the face.

Which left us to one Slytherin. All three heads turned around. “James-?” Nina stared at me.

I gave her a crooked grin. “He was about to shoot you with that.”

She actually smiled at me!

Ahem. Anyways. Not the point…yet. So then Mulciber sneered at us. “Oh, is this your little whore, Potter? Your latest squeeze? Going to go that low, huh? Right down to a dirty little whoring mudblood? Although, can’t say I blame you,” he said, shifting his eyes from me to stare down little Nina. “I bet she’d open those legs for all the blokes here, eh? What’d you pay her, Potter?” he tauntingly asked, not taking his eyes off of her. “I can pay you double, sweet cheeks,” he said, speaking to Nina directly. “I could pay you every day,” he said, grinning evilly at her. “You could be my own personal little sex slave.”

And after that, my hands, which were clenched up, couldn’t stay clenched up without all the blood in them, anymore. And my head was about to explode.

So I did the only rational thing that came to mind.

I pounced on Mulciber and shouted profanities at him, punching him time after time, square in the nose, pulling out his hair (granted, that was more of a girl thing in a cat fight, but still), and ringing his neck.

Of course, he got his fair share of punches and yes, lots of blood everywhere.

Nina looked absolutely horrified, and whether at me or Mulciber, or both, I had no idea.

Of course, by that time, some of the professors and a lot of students had reached us and damn, did we get in a lot of trouble.

Poor Nina and Molly and Al did too, for supposedly, ‘standing around and not stopping the fight’ though we told them countless amount of times that they did and I told that Mulciber was saying awful things.

McGonagall (bless the old hag) finally tried to hear the full story and we all gave her our memories to see inside the penseive rather than to just say it all.

Thankfully, she understood.

And then she gave me a month of detention for fighting instead of calling for a professor, and Nina, Molly, and Albus three days for not calling a professor.

Oh and she docked off twenty points…each.

So Ravenclaw lost twenty, Slytherin lost twenty, and Gryffindor lost fourty.

Seems like Hufflepuffs never get anything. Like, anything at all. They don’t gain, they don’t lose. They just stay in the middle.

Hmm.

Anyways, after the whole incident, blasted Pomfrey forced me to stay the night in the Hospital Wing and then went on to kick everyone out.

Al and Molly left at once, but Nina stayed back after begging five minutes. Pomfrey must like that girl, because she actually let her! Of course, it took some convincing on Nina’s part, but Pomfrey still agreed in the end of it.

So Pomfrey left for a few minutes while Nina hung back. She smiled at me, and sat down at the side of the bed, by my knees.

“Look, I guess I just want to say…” she paused for a second, playing with her hands. “Thank you,” she finished, looking back up to me. “For sort of defending me, with Mulciber and with the professors.”

I shrugged. “Made me real mad, what he said.”

“I know,” she said. “I saw your hands deathly white and your face red like a tomato.” I opened my mouth to say something more, to just keep her here for a little longer, when she leaned over my body and kissed me on the cheek. Granted, it was only the cheek, but hey-it’s only step 4, remember?

It really was all that I was expecting, but then I felt her hot breath on my ear. She whispered, “Is it too late to accept that Hogsmead invitation, pretty boy?”

I grinned widely. “I knew you’d come around!”

She rolled her eyes once she leaned back, and stood up, pulling her shirt down and looked down as well before turning her head to face the door behind her. Pomfrey walked back in. “I’ll be back here tomorrow morning,” she winked and walked to the door, purposely swinging her hips side to side.

I laughed loudly, causing her to turn around and grin like a Cheshire cat (which was very hot, let me tell you). “You’re not so bad, Potter,” she winked and left out of sight.

I am so good with the girls!

 
 


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