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Pigfarts, Pigfarts, Here We Come!! by Kat20
Chapter 1 : Chapter 1
Rating: 15+Chapter Reviews: 6

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Disclaimer: HP belongs to J.K. Rowling. Pigfarts belongs to Starkid Productions. Everything that you don’t recognize belongs to me. This whole thing is really fluffy and weird. If you think it’s really stupid or don’t understand go watch A Very Potter Musical on YouTube. You will understand my inspiration.


“Welcome all of you.” Headmistress McGonagall said. It was Seventh Year, after the Welcome Feast. McGonagall had called all the returning Seventh Year students into her office to discuss how their year would go.

“As you all know we have an awkward situation this year due to a shortage of dormitories. That being said, we Professors came up with an idea as to where to put you. We will be creating new dormitories specifically for you this year and later they will become Prefect Dormitories. The only issue is that they are not yet built. So we came up with another plan. We have set up an intergalactic exchange program with the top wizarding school in the galaxy.”

“So, you’re sending us to Dermstrang?” Pansy Parkinson asked.

“No, Ms. Parkinson. You will be traveling to Pigfarts.”

Everyone stared at McGonagall as though she had two heads.

“I beg your pardon, Professor,” Hermione said cautiously, “but there is no such thing as Pigfarts.”

“Actually there is. Pigfarts is one of the most closely guarded secrets of the Wizarding World. It is a galactic space school located on Mars. You will all be apparating to NASA tomorrow morning where you will be boarding a rocket ship and flying to Mars. You will spend three months at Pigfarts and you will be showed around by a brilliant student who transferred there over the summer. I expect you all to give Rumbleroare your utmost respect and obedience.” Professor McGonagall said.

The twenty six students who had returned looked at each other in astonishment. McGonagall seemed to be certifiably insane.

“Who is Rumbleroare?” Hannah Abbott asked.

“Rumbleroare is the Headmaster of Pigfarts. He is a lion who can talk. You all need to remember to not talk too much when you’re there or you’ll risk waking his slumbering cubs.”

“And I suppose that if we are very good, we get to ride around on Rumbleroare’s back?” Milicent Bulstrode asked sarcastically.

“Yes.” McGonagall said in all seriousness. “Now, why don’t you all go back down to the Great Hall. The sleeping bags will be set up by now. Run along. You will be leaving at seven tomorrow morning.”

The students left the office, shaking their heads at McGonagall’s decline into insanity. When they reached the Hall, they grabbed sleeping bags from the pile in the middle of the room and split into different houses, each taking a corner of the room.

“I wonder why Malfoy didn’t come back.” Hermione mused aloud, shaking out the sleeping bag onto the flag stones.

“Why do you care?” Ron asked suspiciously.

“I’m just curious. He would have been a good contender to be Head Boy. Now I’m stuck with Howie Zeesman. Not that Howie isn’t nice and all, he’s just a bit stuck up.”

“Wait, you wish that Malfoy was Head Boy?” Harry asked, incredulous.

“No. But I almost miss being able to take out my anger on him, you know?”

“Weirdly enough, I agree.” Ron said.

They all settled down for the night, wondering what tomorrow would bring.


“Come on, Seventh Years. Up, up, up!! It’s five o’clock! We’re apparating in two hours. That’s two hours to eat, get everything together, get ready, and get down to Hogsmeade. Up, up, up!! You can shower in the Prefects Bathroom. I said get up, Hufflpuffs!!”

“Professor Sprout is way too cheery in the morning.” Dean mumbled.

Hermione dragged herself out of her sleeping bag, rubbing sleep from her eyes. The sun hadn’t even come up yet. Groaning, she grabbed her suitcase and dragged it down the hall to the Prefects Bathroom.

Pulling out her toiletry kit, she took a quick shower and brushed her teeth. She was pulling on her uniform as some of the other students came into the bathroom to start getting ready. Hermione pulled her wet hair up into a bun on the top of her head and left the bathroom as fast as she could.

Ever since Harry had defeated Voldemort, he, Ron and Hermione had been bombarded non-stop by the media, and screaming fans. Hermione had also had quite a few anonymous death threats and hate letters telling her to dump Ron or else. She didn’t want to be alone in the bathroom with those girls for any longer than necessary.

Before long, it was seven o’clock, and all the Seventh Year students were being hustled down to Hogsmeade and then apparating to NASA in the United States.

“Are these the students?” a woman asked, coming towards the group of them.

“Yes.” said Professor Sprout.

“Alright. I’ll take them from here.”

“Thank you. I’ll see you all in three months!” and Sprout disapparated with a pop! leaving the Hogwarts students standing in

“All right, students. I’m Professor Higgins, deputy headmistress of Pigfarts and International Relations Professor. Before we go anywhere, you all need to shrink your luggage until it’s small enough to fit inside your pocket.”

Everyone pulled out their wands and muttered the spell, shrinking their trunks until they were the size of cigarette lighters. They then followed Higgins into an adjacent room. It was filled with shelves that were stacked with row upon row of folded orange space suits. They wandered around until they found sizes that fit reasonably well.

After they were dressed, they were led out into the boarding terminal. Higgins took them four at a time and helped them to board the rocket ship and to strap themselves in properly.

In almost no time at all, Hermione was strapped to her seat with Harry on one side and Ron on the other. Her breath kept fogging up the inside of her helmet and her suit was hot and itchy. She was not looking forwards to the ride up to space at all.

Suddenly, there was a lour roaring, building in volume until it was almost unbearable. Hermione felt the rocket ship lurch, and start to rise. Pressure started building in the cabin and the temperature seemed to rise and cool at the same time as the rocket ship climbed higher and higher into the sky.

Just as the pressure and the heat were becoming unbearable, they decreased and all of a sudden, it was cold. Hermione could feel the cold seeping through her space suit and into her bones.

“Attention Hogwarts students.” Higgins’s voice came booming throughout the ship. “We will be making the jump to light speed in a few seconds. To make your trip more comfortable, we will be putting you to sleep. Pick a lovely dream, and enjoy the ride! We will be at Pigfarts momentarily.”

And then there was blackness.


Hermione opened her eyes an glanced around. The rocket ship wasn’t moving anymore and Harry and Ron were starting to wake up.

Hermione sat up and realized that her space suit had changed. Instead of the bulky orange space suit, she was now wearing simple black pants and a red cap-sleeved shirt with Gryffindor stitched in gold across the left breast. She was also wearing knee high black leather boots that came over the legs of her pants and a belt that came down and attached around her waist and thigh, forming special loops to hold her wand in place. (A/N: Like Han Solo’s gun holster.)

Glancing around, she noticed that all the other students were dressed similarly, the only difference being the colours of their shirts and their house names. The boys outfit was really almost identical to the girls, only it looked stronger and less feminine.

“All right, Exchangers, get off this ship and line up in a straight line on the side of the landing platform. Our Student Ambassador will meet you there, along with our top three students. You are expected to give them the utmost respect and to follow all their instructions. You will do whatever they say. You will also attend all of their classes with them. Fall out!” and with that, Higgins disapparated without a sound.

Hermione carefully clambered out of her chair and got down off the space ship with the rest of her classmates.

She blinked as she stepped out into the reddish light that seemed to have infused everything on the planet. The rocks under her feet were red and the sky was red.

Pigfarts itself was red. All that Hermione could see of it was the entrance. The huge front of the school was carved out of the rock face, with pillars, columns and amazing detail. The door itself was nothing but a gaping black hole. No door to close and nothing to cover the entrance. (A/N: Look up City of Petra. That is what is in my imagination.) The whole landing platform and the school were encircled by an almost invisible bubble. Hermione supposed that it kept the oxygen in and allowed everyone to breath freely as well as keeping the satellites and mars rovers away from the school.

“Wow.” Hermione took one look at Harry and Ron’s incredulous expression before succumbing to a fit of uncontrollable giggles.

“Come on.” She managed to say, grabbing her friends hands and dragging them to the side of the runway where she could see four figures, a blonde, unnaturally curvy girl, a girl who seemed to be made up of ink, a blue-haired boy whose skin was a faint green, and another boy who was so pale, he seemed to take on the reddish tinge of the world around him. They were all dressed in similar uniforms to the Hogwarts student’s, only theirs were entirely black, standing with their backs to them.

As they got closer, Hermione started to notice things about the pale boy. The way he held himself, as though he was dreading having to turn around and face them. The way that his golden-blonde hair took on an odd tinge in the red light. How he uncomfortably ran a hand over the black arm guard on his left arm. And how he seemed oddly familiar.

“I can’t believe that there’s actually an Intergalactic Space School on Mars.” Parvati said as she and Luna came up beside Hermione.

“Oh, I always knew it existed.” Luna said.

“Oh really? How?” Hermione asked sceptically.

“Well it had to exist. Who else would be sending the space ships that steal milk?”

“What?” Harry asked, half laughing.

“Don’t you know? Space ships come and steal all the good milk and replace it with sour milk. They need to because Mars cows can only make sour milk. It has to do with the lack of Gigglyjhops.”

“Gigglyjhops.” Ron repeated weakly.

“Oh yes. They’re what make Earth cows be able to not have their milk go sour.”

“Okay Luna, if you say so.”

“No need to be disbelieving, Weasel-King. Everyone is entitled to their own opinions.” the gold-blond boy said.

By now all the Exchangers had disembarked from the rocket ship and were gathered around. Hermione could now see that his hair was so blond, it was almost white. She felt a small tingle as things began to add up. But … no … it couldn’t be…

“Malfoy?” Zabini asked tentatively.

The boy turned around, trademark sneer in place. “Who else?”


A/N: Okay, so like I said in the disclaimer, Pigfarts is from Starkid’s A Very Potter Musical. I was actually surprised that there weren’t any stories about Pigfarts. I mean, I know that there aren’t too many Musical Theatre Junkies out there who also write HP fanfiction, but I can’t be the only person on this site who has seen AVPM!!

Well, this story is for all you people like me, who are obsessed with Musical Theatre and who love Loren Lopez’s Draco rolling around on the floor saying “Oh haha, ha. Now you’re just being cute. I can’t go to Pigfarts. It’s no Mars. You need a rocket shop. Do you have a rocket ship Potter? I bet you do. You know, not all of us inherited enough money to buy out NASA when our parents died! Oh, look at this! Look at this! Look at Rocketship Potter. Starkid Potter. Moonshoes Potter. Traversing the galaxy for intergalactic travels to Pigfarts. Oooo.” (A Very Potter Musical Act 1 Part 4, 6:30, Draco Malfoy played by Lauren Lopez)

But don’t worry. This Draco isn’t too much like Little D. He might steal a few of his lines now and then, but I’ll stay a bit truer to Malfoy.

I won’t beg for reviews, begging is against my policy. But they are always greatly appreciated. Even if it’s just the word ‘Good’ or ‘Bad’. It just helps to improve the quality of these stories.


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