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Naive by ohmymerlin
Chapter 4 : Chapter the Fourth
Rating: MatureChapter Reviews: 3

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“Lily! We need a steak sandwich right now! What happened to it?!” one of the older cooks yells at me.

I flap my arms around and look for the little tiny note that has the order written down. I’m quite flustered at the moment. When I finally find it, I quickly scan it and sure enough, there’s a little scrawling that reads: 1 x steak sandwich w/o tomatoes.

“Crud! I forgot about it! Sorry!” I bite my lip and start to pull out a steak to try and quickly make a sandwich. The chef huffs in annoyance.

“No, don’t worry about it. I already did it,” Marina says smugly. She shoves a plate towards… towards…

Ah crap, what’s his name again?

When he takes the plate to give to the waitress, she shoots me a triumphant smile. “You know, it’s not actually that hard. If you actually tried you might get somewhere,” she says nastily. I blush and fiddle with my apron.

I resist the urge to hit her across the head with the hot frying pan. I don’t respond but I then hear a familiar voice come from behind me.

“Marina, Lily is doing wonderfully for her first day. Talk like that to her again and you’ll be out of here.” I give Hannah a grateful smile and she winks at me. Marina flushes and goes back to work. Hannah then walks towards me and asks gently, “How’s your first day going?” She places a comforting hand on my back.

I shrug and play with the edge of the apron. “Not very well. I’ve screwed up a grand total of six times.” I give her a grimace and she nudges me gently.

“It’s fine! You think when I first worked here I was perfect? I caught the bar on fire. It’s a wonder how I got to own the place.” She laughs and I feel myself relaxing slightly. “Seriously though, don’t stress about it. We all start from somewhere and don’t mind Marina, she’s not very pleasant.”

I giggle. “Why is she like that?”

Hannah shrugged. “Why is your brother an idiot? A loveable idiot, but still an idiot,” she says fondly, tugging slightly at my ponytail.

“I actually don’t know why he’s such an idiot. Mum and Dad aren’t that stupid, are they?” I ask.

Hannah snorts. “Well, your dad did run an illegal organisation, ride a dragon and sent himself to Voldemort. And your mother purposefully set hexes to Slytherins double the size of her. With those genes, it’s a wonder how you and Al – scratch that, it’s a wonder how you turned out normal.”

I laugh and she gives me a pat on the shoulder before leaving the kitchen with a wink.

“Lily! I need a Caesar salad!”

Work is hard.

“GUESS WHO GOT A JOB?” Glitter shouts. I roll my eyes and continue reading Witch Weekly.






Huh, apparently Celestina Warbeck married an eighteen year old girl. I didn’t even know she was a lesbian. I flick the page to read the cooking sections and Glitter keeps chanting.






He dances around me, singing very out of tune, “Lily got a jo-ob! Lily got a jo-ob!”


“Lily.” I shift deeper under my covers and grumble. I feel a gentle nudge and after a few minutes, a hard poke.

I yelp and wrap my quilt around myself even tighter. “Go away,” I mutter grumpily. Why do people feel the need to wake me up in early hours of the morning?

“No, I want to cook cupcakes and you’re really good at that,” Glitter whines.

I hiss at him like a cat. Glitter then huffs and grabs the ends of my cocoon. “Don’t you dare,” I warn. He pays no attention and rolls me onto the floor. I land with a loud thump and a lot of pain.

“FUCK YOU, GLITTER!” I shriek, holding my arm tightly.

Glitter gasps dramatically. “Lily, did you just curse?”

I hiss at him again. “Yes I just did. Look what you’ve done to me. You’ve turned me into a chav.”

He snorts and pokes me with his foot. I grimace. “Just get up and make cupcakes with me,” he gripes.

I pull myself out of the quilt and wince painfully. Putting on my glasses, I grumble, “Why do you need me to make cupcakes with you? You made a fucking croquembouche.”

Glitter tuts at me but I give him a look that makes him put his head down. “We made a croquembouche, Lily. And you did most of the work, really. You’ve really got a knack – oh my god.” He stops talking with his eyes wide.

“What?” I ask, looking around the room. Purple-pink quilt still looks the same. One desk, one chair, fluffy white carpet on the floor, half open wardrobes with clothes hanging out. Same old, same old.

He claps his hands excitedly. “WHY DON’T YOU OPEN A BAKERY OH MY GOD!” he squeals.

I blink and think about it. I love cooking, especially desserts and I am getting some sort of an income. It isn’t much, but it’s a start.

When I stand up, I start dancing around with Glitter. “OH MY GOD THAT’S A GREAT IDEA!” I shriek.



Glitter prances towards the kitchen table and I follow him, pulling out the chair next to him. He then pulls out a pen and paper and starts scribbling like a loon. I stay quiet and he says, “Okay, how much do you make an hour?”

“One gallon, fifteen sickles and eight knuts,” I say promptly. He stares at me impatiently and I smile sheepishly. Sometimes I forget he doesn’t know magical currency. Squinting my eyes, I try to work out what it roughly equals to. “Er… I think that’s about ten pounds?”

He nods. “Alright so do you know how much a place would cost?” he asks, immersed in his calculations. He taps a few times into the calculator thingy. I really don’t understand how it works? It must have a brain in there somewhere, and that could potentially lead to danger! Grandpa Arthur always says never trust anything where you can’t see its brain.

Although, it seems that Muggles ignore that rule. Everything they have is mysterious and scary. Laptops, phones, WiFi – I don’t understand any of it.

“Lily!” Glitter says, clicking his fingers in front of my face.

I blink. “What?” I ask trying to look at the small screen.

He rolls his eyes. “How much do you think a place would cost?” he repeats impatiently. Oops, I forgot about that question.

I crinkle my nose. “I don’t really want to buy another flat, that would be so expensive—” I break off when Glitter starts laughing loudly. “What?” I ask confusedly. I tug self-consciously on my hair.

“Not a flat to live in! Something like a shop. A place to put the bakery,” he explains, laughing at me. He grins at my embarrassed look.

“Ooh.” I blush. “I don’t know, I could always ask my Uncle George, he works in Diagon Alley. He’d know,” I say, rubbing at my eyes underneath my glasses. Glitter stares at me. “What?” I ask again. I look down to see if I have anything on my shirt. I can’t see anything but I wipe my shirt down nervously just in case.

“Well, aren’t you going to call him?” he asks, raising a plucked eyebrow. Now that I notice, his eyebrows are better shaped than mine.

Maybe I should do something about that.

“No.” I shake my head, clearing all thoughts of eyebrows and tweezers away. “He doesn’t have a phone, but I’ll probably see him soon so I’ll ask then.”

“Lily,” he whines, “I wanna do maths. I’m in a mathy mood.”

I roll my eyes. “Go play with your calculator thingy. I’m meeting some friends today.” I’m going to see my old dorm-mates. I haven’t seen them at all this whole summer and now is the perfect chance for all of us to catch up.

That gets his attention. “Who?! I thought you didn’t have any friends,” he asks, clicking the pen repeatedly. I twitch but he doesn’t take any notice of it.

I scowl. “Excuse me, just because I preferred hanging out with my family at school doesn’t mean I didn’t have friends! I had the girls that I slept with!” Glitter winks and I snap, “Shut up. You know what I meant. We slept in the same room but in different beds. But I am friends with them so we’re meeting at eleven thirty,” I say.

Glitter checks his wrist before remembering that he doesn’t wear a watch. I roll my eyes and look at the tiny clock sitting on top of the fridge which read that it is a quarter past eleven.

“I NEED TO GET READY!” I shriek, running to my room and throwing blue shorts on and a grey top. I put deodorant on at the same time I’m brushing my teeth, making me accidentally inhale it.

I choke and wash my mouth out vigorously, spitting like a llama.

“You okay, Lily?” Glitter asks boredly.

My reply is coughing and spluttering. I search the small medicine cabinet that held my potions. Still coughing, I shove tiny bottles aside and found an antidote potion.

After swallowing the disgusting liquid, I close the lid and put it back in there, and return to brushing my teeth.

I am never multi-tasking again.

After I brush my teeth I try to get my hair into a decent hairstyle. I pull out my super brush that’s filled with strands of orange hair. Ew. I quickly vanish them and tug the brush through my birds nest.

My eyes fill with tears as I pull each strand of hair off my head. It frizzes out to the sides and I let out a loud noise of frustration. I then pull out a comb and get the smaller knots out of my hair. Eventually it’s lying relatively flat but still looks terrible.

I bunch it into a thick ponytail and quickly plait it. There’s short strands of hair around my hairline that stick up and make me look like I’ve been electrocuted. Why Dad why? Why do you have terrible hair?

And why am I stuck with this bloody hair?

It just isn’t fair.

I grab the comb again and wet it to comb the wispies away. It doesn’t work and I end up looking like I just dunked my head in water. I sigh and pull out my wand to dry it.

The hair sticks up again and I growl in frustration. My eyes find a small bottle of hair gel that is owned by Glitter. I squirt a teeny tiny bit on my hands and stroke my hair down. It works and I sigh in relief.

I quickly apply a bit of make-up on with a dollop of mascara. I poke myself in the eye and immediately my eyes water up and I’m crying and washing my eye out. Eventually it doesn’t look as red so I reapply it, this time being very careful.

I finally leave the bathroom and grab a small purse. I quickly throw my wallet in and start to look for a pair of converses. I find some under the couch and tug them on before rushing out the door. I run down the stairs (this bloody place doesn’t have an elevator) and look around. It’s quite a warm day and a lot of people are out.

I walk quickly to a back alley where I can safely Apparate away without breaking the Statute. Closing my eyes, I focus very hard on a dark alleyway that leads to a Wizarding pub.

After my head stops spinning, I open my eyes and find myself in a dark alleyway, not unlike the previous one. I follow the small arrow that is invisible to Muggles. My shoes are clapping loudly against the concrete and it echoes, making everything ten times creepier.

I find myself face to face with a brick wall. I know I have to say my name and the name of the pub, but I’m scared.

I’m scared that I’m at the wrong brick wall and I might get sucked into some unknown place. I take a deep breath and say clearly, “Lily Potter. The Mean Merrow.” I wait for a few seconds and then poke the wall in front of me.

I yelp as my hand goes through the wall. I run into the wall, expecting a crash but as I run I don’t feel anything hard get in my way. I open my eyes nervously and see all types of people around. I can’t see any of my friends. There’s families and some strange looking people, it seems like a big mix of everything.

“Lily!” Mary-Jane yells out, gesturing wildly to an empty table. “Over here!” She grins at me.

I smile at her and try to ignore the uneasiness inside of me. Out of the three girls, I like Mary-Jane the least. I mean, I still like her but she’s very blunt and often revealed far too much of her sex life.

“Hey MJ,” I say, sliding in the seat diagonal from her. “How are things?”

She smiles widely and says proudly, “Great! I’ve a job at Gringotts and slept with two of my workmates. Both were fantastic.”


I smile again, trying to hide the fact that I’m extremely uncomfortable. “Still a virgin Lily?” she asks, filing her nails boredly. She’s not doing it to be rude, that’s just an MJ thing.

I give her a grimace/smile thing. “I haven’t the time to date guys right now. I just started working at the Leaky Cauldron,” I say proudly.

She scoffs, “You don’t need to date guys to sleep with them. Shag them and never talk to them again.” She shrugs as if it isn’t a big deal. I feel extremely uncomfortable.

“Sounds like you’re a walking STD, MJ,” Lisa’s voice comes from beside me. “How are we all?” she asks, grinning at us.

“Lisa! It’s so good to see you! I’m good and you?” I ask, jumping at the chance to get away from MJ.

“Good, good. What about you MJ? Still sleeping with every guy you lay eyes on?” she asks, sitting down next to her.

She laughs and flicks her red and blue dyed hair out of her eyes. “Not every guy. Just the ones with a good body and a nice face,” she says.

Lisa laughs and says, “How on earth don’t you have any diseases?” I agree, Lisa. I agree.

She rolls her eyes and I realise her eye-shadow has been painted to look like her eyes. “I’m a slut, but I’m not stupid,” she says.

“MJ, did you paint eyes on your eyelids?” I ask curiously.

She nods and closes her eyes so we can see. “It’s the new thing. Doesn’t it look amazing?” she asks, waiting for an answer.

Lisa and I exchange glances. MJ has always been a bit eccentric with her fashion sense. “It’s very… unique,” I say, trying to think of a nice word for creepy.

She smiles brightly and I realise she’s glued jewels on her teeth. Oh good grief. Lisa and I look at each other again and giggle. “Where’s Lara?” MJ asks, looking around, not noticing the exchange between Lisa and I.

I shrug and turn to Lisa. “So, Lees, what have you been up to lately? I haven’t heard from you at all!”

She grins and says, “Well, I lost two pounds, did you notice?” She holds her arms out slightly.

“That’s great! I thought you looked different but I couldn’t put my finger on it! You look amazing!” I say, grinning at her. Lisa has always been a bit on the chubby side, but she’s probably my favourite out of all of them. She’s one of the nicest people you could ever meet but she is rather blunt. It’s refreshing though, because when I first started Hogwarts people always told me how perfect and angelic I was and then Lisa came and said I was too quiet and needed to become more charismatic.

Not that I’d listened to her, but I became friends with her soon after that little incident.

MJ cocks her head to the side. “Why are you trying to lose weight, Lees? Anything special happening?”

“My sister’s getting married. I’m going to be the Maid of Honour so I want to try and look at least decent when I stand next to her,” she says, twirling a bit of her blonde hair around her finger.

“Eh, you’ll look decent if you turn up in a potato sack Lisa. Your sister looks like my dog’s backside,” MJ states, applying green lipstick on her lips. I don’t know where she buys this type of stuff.

“Well that lipstick looks like something that would come out of my dog’s backside, MJ,” Lisa quips. I laugh and MJ pouts at her.

“Oh, am I late?” Lara’s dreamy voice says from behind me.

MJ snorts and says sarcastically, “Nuh, you’re only half an hour late. Actually everyone was late except me.”

Lisa protests, “I was working okay?” I look at her in surprise.

MJ tuts. “Who the fuck works at eleven in the morning?” Lara sits down beside me and smiles at the three of us.

Lisa smiles sneakily. “A girl who just got a job at the Department of Mysteries.” She grins widely at us and the three of us cheer for her.

“BARTENDER! GET US THREE SEX ON THE BEACHES NOW!” MJ shrieks excitedly. The bartender jumps slightly and she snaps, “Hurry up! We need to celebrate that our friend just got an awesome job!”

He stutters, “Y-you have t-to come to the b-bar and or-order.” He clears his throat nervously and MJ rolls her eyes.

“I’ll get this one girls,” she whispers with a wink. Flicking her chair back, she struts to the bar and whispers something in the bartender’s ear, giving him a nice view of her cleavage.

She comes back with a tray of shots. “What did you do?” Lisa asks, grabbing one of the small cups.

MJ winks. “That’s for me to know and you to find out in about four hours.”

I crinkle my nose and ask, “Isn’t it a little early for shots? It’s not even past midday!” I don’t really like to drink. I drink sometimes but never this early and never anything this strong. I quite prefer Butterbeer.

Lara checks her flowery watch. “Actually it’s one minute past midday,” she says, showing us her wrist.

“Just have one,” Lisa encourages me. “It’ll be fine, nothing will happen.”

Famous last words.

“A-and then he –hic– told me that he –hic– wanted to take a –hic– break!” Lara stutters. She wipes her mouth.


“W-what?” she asks, spilling another shot down her front.

I quickly knock another shot down and bite down on a lime. “Like Friends! It’s a Muggle TV show! My cousin makes me watch it! It’s hilarious…” I start giggling and MJ joins in with me.

“Muggle is a funny word, isn’t it? MUG-GUL!” She starts giggling again and we all laugh when she accidentally falls backwards off her chair.

“Excuse me ladies, but I think you have had enough to drink and we’d like you to leave,” a posh voice says from behind us.

MJ pouts from the floor. “Boo. You aren’t any fun. I won’t be shagging you later! Shame though, you have a nice butt.” She gives it a little pinch and he jumps, his cheeks going bright red.

“Aww, look he’s blushing!” Lisa coos. We giggle again and MJ growls like a lion.

“You’relikealion MJ,” I slur, “you’re a true Gryf-Gryffindor.” I start giggling again and Lisa nods. MJ slowly gets back on her seat and downs another shot.

“YOU’RE RIGHT LILY! SHE’S A GRYDDINFOOR! Wait that isn’t right.” Lara crinkles her eyebrows and squints her eyes trying to work out her mistake.

“WHO CARES LET’S TAKE SHOTS!” MJ squeals, clicking her fingers for some more. Her nails are super long.

“YES, ERRYBODYY! SHOTS, SHOTS, SHOTS, SHOTS!” We all clap our hands and sway, ignoring the gasps and mutters from the families surrounding us.

The guy twitches. “No. No more drinks for you four. You need to leave,” he says sternly. MJ pouts, her green lipstick smearing all over her teeth and he grimaces. I do as well. “Please don’t make this hard. It’s four in the afternoon; there are young children in here,” he says professionally.

“FUCK THE CHILDREN!” MJ shouts and a collective gasp goes throughout the room.

Oh bother.

I stumble up the stairs and knock loudly on the door until Glitter comes out. He looks very confused. “Are you confuzzled Glitter? Hehe, your name is Glitter, hehehe.” I giggle and clap a hand to my mouth.

“Are you drunk, Lily?” he asks, looking behind him in horror.

I pinch my forefinger and thumb together, pressing them against my glasses, leaving smudges. “Just a little bit.” I give him an impish grin and he slaps a hand to his forehead.

I’m trying to wipe my glasses with them still on my face when he says, “Lily your parents are here!”

I gasp and put my hands to my mouth. “OH NO!” He presses a finger to his lips and I whisper, “They’ve never seen me drunk! OH NO!”

“Lily! Be quiet! Okay, so we’ll get some coffee into you, don’t make that face Lily,” he says in response to my grimace – because ew coffee – “and just try to talk as little as possible! Now, why the hell are you drunk at five-thirty in the afternoon?”

“We did shots!” I say proudly. He slaps his hand to his forehead again and I ask, “Doesn’t that hurt?”

He rolls his eyes and grabs my arm. “Alright, we’ll sit you down and try to say as little as possible.” I nod to show my approval and he carefully leads me into the room.

“MUM! DAD! HOW GREAT TO SEE YOU! I HAVEN’T SEEN YOU IN YONKS!” I say when I see them. Glitter lets out an exasperated breath and I nod slowly and give him a wink. They’ll never suspect a thing.

Mum and Dad both look at me oddly. “Lily, are you okay?” Mum asks.

“Course I am, Mum! Why would you say that?” I ask, smiling widely. Glitter thrusts a mug of coffee in my hands and I take a drink as Dad stands up from the couch to inspect me closer.

“Lily, you’re swaying. Are you sure you’re okay?” he asks concernedly.

I sigh and throw the coffee over my shoulder, ignoring the crash. “You caught me. I’m drunk,” I say bluntly.

Dad checks his watch incredulously. “Lily, it’s five thirty-seven. What are you doing drinking at this time?”

“Well,” I start, “we wanted to meet at eleven thirty,”

“Who’s ‘we’?” Mum asks disapprovingly. I look at Glitter who is cleaning up the coffee and the broken mug, so Dad waves his wand to repair the mug and to get rid of the coffee. He thanks Dad before scurrying out the room.

“Lisa and MJ and Lara and me!” I say brightly, “but then we were all late except MJ and so then we decided to drink and we did shots and now I’m DRUNK!” I yell. I giggle again and Mum and Dad shake their heads. “And you can’t stop me because I’m eighteen!” I say proudly. I throw my purse on the table, watching my wand roll out on to the floor.

Mum laughs. “Oh we know, we’re just concerned for you sweetheart.”

I shake my head. “Well you don’t need to be! I’m a fully repons-respon-re—” My tongue gets caught over the difficult word.

“Responsible?” Dad asks, sharing a glance with Mum who looks like she’s trying very hard not to laugh.

“That’s the word!” I point at him and give him a thumbs up. “So I’m a fully reponsible adult—” I choose to ignore the looks Mum and Dad give each other and Glitter’s snort, “—and I feel as if I should be honest with you.” I pause dramatically, holding my hands out to increase suspense.

“I drink,” I announce sadly.

Dad and Mum laugh and give me a nod. “Thank you for being honest with us, Lil, it means a lot to us,” Mum says. Dad chuckles and fixes his glasses up.

I smile but before I can say anything, I bend down and throw up all over the floor.


Disclaimer: Friends is owned by David Crane and Marta Kauffman and the 'Shots' song is by LMFA, rest is all J. K. Rowling's. :)

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