Once upon a time, you and Lily were once two very happy children. You used to play at the playground and tell each other deep dark secrets that you normally wouldn't tell anybody.
But then, almost as quickly as that friendship was made, the friendship was destroyed. All because you just had to be liked by your classmates. After all, you couldn't be friends with a mudblood.
It was because of this, that you feel as though you were cursed. Cursed to watch her be happy, when she could have been happy with you.
She deserves to be happy, you tell yourself. Even if it is with James Potter.
That very thought is a lie. You can't stand the fact that she's chosen James Potter over you. After all, what does he have that you don't have? His hair is always messy and he wears glasses for Merlin's sake! Not that you really have anything particularly against glasses, you just don't like the fact that James Potter wears them.
You watch them from across The Great Hall. From the Slytherin table, you can hear her laughter.
“How annoying,” Bellatrix Black comments loudly underneath her breath.
You nod your head in agreement. Not that you find Lily's laughter annoying of course, to you, her laughter is like music to your ears.
It's annoying because she's laughing with him.
She's given you a present.
It's a green scarf, and she knows that it's your favorite color. It's only your favorite color though because it's the same shade as her eyes.
Even when she's angry at you, she still gives you a present. You slam your fists on the table. The owl stares at you curiously, as though it's saying: “Well, are you going to write a thank you card or not?”
At this moment, you feel like you've been cursed. After all, Lily is his now. That's the main reason why she's not even here for you to thank in person. She's spending time with his family.
You remember a time when you and Lily had been children. The dinners that she invited you over to spend with her family. The last Christmas Eve that you and her had every spent together when she had told you that you two would be friends forever.
However, at a very early age you learn that fthere's no such thing as forever.
At first, you don't notice that there's a note attached to the scarf. As you trace your fingers over the words, you read Lily Evans neat cursive handwriting. She's the only one that you know that actually writes in cursive and that's one of the main traits that you admire about her.
Merry Christmas Sev,
I wish you all the happiness in this new upcoming year. We don't have to be angry at each other, just say you're sorry. I just want you to know that I'm happy with James. He makes me happy and I wish you the same happiness and I miss our friendship.
You crumple the paper. You shouldn't have to be the one to say sorry after all, she's the one that's broken your heart not the other way around.
The owl hoots impatiently and flies away from the table.
It's been a while since you and Lily have spoken, you've moved out from your parents house on Spinners End and you and Lily have not spoken since your seventh year at Hogwarts.
There's an owl that's tapping it's beak loudly against your window one morning. Your head is pounding, due to have one too many firewhiskey shots the night before with Lucius Malfoy.
“I'm coming!” You mutter. You open the window and the owl flies in and drops a piece of folded parchment in your hands.
Your name, Severus, is written neatly on the front. You trace your fingers over the familiarity of the handwriting and open the letter.
We haven't spoken in a while. I feel as though that's partially my fault and for that, I'm truly sorry. I would love to meet up with you at The Three Broomsticks tonight if you're free. If not, I understand.
That very same night, you find yourself dressed in the best robes that you could find. Tonight, you're fortunate for potions and for your own hangover remedy. After all, you wouldn't want Lily to smell firewhiskey on your breath. You want to look healthy for Lily, you want her to know that you're okay and that you're not miserable. (Which is false - when you're a Death Eater your fate is decided for you. You don't get happiness).
You walk through the doors of The Three Broomsticks and it doesn't take you long to find her in the crowd. She's sitting at the table, her long red hair has elegant curls that goes past her shoulders.
“Buy me a drink,” a drunk woman slurs as you walk in.
You shake your head, after all, no woman could compare to the one that you were about to have a drink with.
At your arrival, Lily looks up from the menu and flashes you a brilliant smile. The very same smile that used to (and still does) make you nervous and gives you this weird fluttery sensation in your stomach.
“Severus,” she says.
You sigh, you've always loved the way she says your name.
“Lily,” you greet pulling up a seat from across the table.
You observe Lily as she twirls a curl nervously in her hair.
“I- I have some news,” she finally blurts out. “And I wanted you to hear it from me and not the newspapers or from anyone else...”
“Would you two like a drink?” The voice of Madam Rosmerta interrupts, and then, as if she just notices who we are she beams excitedly. “Why Lily and Severus! What a pleasant surprise.”
Lily looks flushed and you can't help but wonder what it is that she has to tell you.
“A pumpkin spiced tea would be nice,” Lily replies.
You remember that that used to be Lily's favorite drink to order when you two were friends.
“I'll do the same,” you reply. After all, after last night you definitely did not need to have a drink tonight.
“You've got it! Oh you two haven't change a bit...” Madam Rosmerta rushes back to get our drinks.
“Now where were we?” Lily asks as she shifts uncomfortably in her chair.
“You said you have something to tell me,” you remind her. You resist the urge to cross your fingers and hope that she is about to tell you that she has finally seen the light after all of this time, and that she and Potter had finally broken up but you already know that it's a fool's hope.
“I'm getting married Sev,” she explains quickly.
It's when you notice that she does, in fact, have a ring on her finger.
You're shocked and you feel like you can't breathe. You want to rip the ring off her finger. Tell her that she's making a mistake.
“I'm speechless,” you say tonelessly.
“There's more,” Lily continues. “I-I'm pregnant.”
“With Potter's child?” You ask.
She nods. She doesn't look like she knows what to say herself.
“Just tell me one thing,” you say after a few moments have passed. “Are you happy with him?”
She nods her head again. She's trying to read you but the thing is, there's nothing to read at all. You feel blank. As though someone has knocked the wind out of you and you have to keep reminding yourself to keep breathing.
“Your happiness is all that matters to me Lily, and if you're happy, I am. But I won't pretend that I'm happy that you're with James now because I'm not.”
The words slips out from your mouth as though you've been practicing saying this to her for years.
“I just wanted to know if you still cared,” Lily whispers so quietly that you almost couldn't even hear her.
“I always have,” you say quickly.
You gather up her hands in your own. Ignoring the feel of the diamond that rubs against your skin.
“Always will,” you continue.
“Here's your tea!” Madam Rosmerta announces cheerfully as she approaches the table.
It's in this moment, that you regret that you've ordered tea and that you've wished that you've ordered something stronger.
You are hidden behind the crowd. You watch as Lily gracefully walks down the isle like an angel. Her happiness is all that matters, you remind yourself bitterly. It's too bad for you, that your happiness has never mattered to anyone. After all, if she wanted you happy, she'd be marrying you, not him.
It's not that you don't want her to live happily ever after, you just didn't want her to be living it with him.
Abruptly, before she can see you, you leave. After all, you didn't want to stick around to hear the minister ask if there were any objections to the wedding. Because if you had stuck around, you would have been the first to reply: “Me.”
And you didn't live happily ever after.
First, I have to say that after reading academica's wonderful Snape/Lily one-shot The Pensieve, I immediately wanted to write this. I thank her for inspiring me!
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