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12 Fail Safe Ways to Charm Witches: The Revised Edition by Irobbedgringottsandgotaway
Chapter 7 : What Gifts to Get Her
 
Rating: MatureChapter Reviews: 5


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Disclaimer: Anything recognizable belongs to JK Rowling.


 




AL:

So, I know it's been a while since you've heard from me. And it's also been awhile since I divulged one of my acronyms to you. So I have one here for you.

P O N Y {presents of notable Yumminess}

1. Pre-thought. Rule number one of picking out a girl's present is to make it seem like you put in about two hours thought into it. Not under one hour, but definitely not over three hours and fifteen minutes, as it then becomes three and a half.

2. Originality. Don't do some stupid gift that any old joe could do. Make it extravagent and creative. Goes hand in hand with rule #1.

3. Newness. Even if something is old, make it fresh. New is always a stunner.

4. Yellow. Yellow is phycologically known to induce happiness and joy, so even if you give her a yellow frickin' cockroach, she is still likely to be happy about it.

4.1 also, note that when dealing with animals, you want to avoid yellow as much as possible. When purchasing that cute little Shitzu puppy, inquire about house training.

Taylor and Brad's birthday is on November 8th. I of course didn't know this until our fourth year, as the two of them refused to tell me when their birthday was.

For some stupid reason, the two of them don't like their birthday.

Don't ask me why, I think they're nuts. But they don't like a lot of attention on a normal day, and that somehow includes their birthday.

So in our sixth year I gave them the best present I could think of.

I gave them the best non-birthday ever.

We started out sleeping until ten thirty, as it was a Saturday, before we went down to breakfeast, (or what was left of it) and then we went outside.

It was too cold to swim in the Black Lake, but we still hung around the edge of the lake, swapping stories and tidbits about pretty much everything we hadn't told each other in the past couple of weeks.

We just sat out there totally chill, and it was the best day ever.

"Hey Al?" Taylor asked me quietly from where her head lay in my lap. Brad was snoring pretty heavily several feet away, having been lulled into a sweet slumber by turkey sandwiches and the lapping of the waves against the sand. Not to mention Brad has the talent to fall asleep anywhere in the world, easier than three large sleeping pills and warm milk.

"Yeah Tails?"

"Thanks for not bringing up our birthday."

"Wait, was it your birthday today?"

"Haha, very funny Al. But it's obvious you knew. You've been super duper helpful today and all that other shit."

"Well damn. I was hoping to be more subtle."

"Too late. You didn't get me a present, did you?"

"Nope. Not even a single little gumdrop on your birthday."

"Good. I'm glad you listened to me."

"I always listen to you." I argued.

"Even when I'm just blabbering on about random crap, like whether or not vampires poop?"

"Of course, I mean, think about it. Vampires can't physically poop, when they only drink blood."

"But I mean, where does the excess material go? Do they just pee it out then? And is their pee red?"

"I don't know. But my brother taught me one time that if someone eats a bunch of radishes, their pee turns red."

"Is that actually true?"

"I can testify that it is, unfortunately."

"Oh, that's nasty! See, this conversation is so wierd."

"So are you."

"You're wierd."

"You're nasty."

"You're a butt."

"You're immature."

"I'm sexier than you."

"Not true. I happen to be super sexy."

"Ok, fine. We're both sexy. But you're a nerd."

"You're a geek."

"You're a tiger."

"I am a tiger. But you're a cockatoo. A big one with lots of feathers and a top hat."

She snorted, breaking out into laughter, and I couldn't help but start cracking up at this image.

The rest of the afternoon continued like this, with scrap Quidditch and then hanging out with the rest of the guys and Rose. I could tell Taylor was having a great time, and Brad seemed to be enjoying himself.

A week later was the meeting where Taylor and I tag-teamed the Sexyback dance.

November was a time for normalcy for some reason between the three of us (me, Taylor, and Brad). No matter what was going on in our lives, we were able to sit back and let it go.

Then December came, and that perfect moment ended.

TAYLOR:

"No Scorp. This was not a part of the deal. There is no way in hell- not to mention that it's stupid for a girl to dress up and try to impress a guy. It's stupid, degrading, and this was not a part of the deal!"

He rolls his eyes. "Taylor, this isn't even about Al anymore, I mean, where's your feminimity? You're not allowed to wear jeans you know. I will not allow it."

"Up your arse and to the left apparently. And Feminimity isn't a word, you just made that up."

"Whatever, let's just go to the kitchens. We'll fight over this later." He says, starting to walk away, dragging my arm with him.

I hmmph. "Fine. Let's go eat something."

As we grow nearer to the kitchens, I notice that Scorpious seems a little nervous, like he's trying to pull something on me.

And before I can stop him, he's dragged me into some random corridor where a girl appears to be waiting for us.

"Here she is, Avis. Don't let her out until she's dressed for a public outing. I owe you a huge favor for this one." Scorp said cheerily.

The girl, a blonde Seventh year with blonde hair and sharp features eyed me before taking my arm and pulling me away from Scorp. "Well, you're not as helpless as Scorp made you sound, but he doesn't know what he's talking about when it comes to fashion."

"Hey! Wait a second here!" I say, realizing what is going on here. "Scorpious Hyperion! You bastard! Get back here and save me! Don't leave me with her! She's a Slytherin!"

Scorp just chuckles. "Calm down Tay-tay. She's my cousin. You're in good hands. Just let her do her job and sit back and relax. I'm paying her for this."

"SCORPIOUS!" I yell as I am pulled around the corner.

"Hey. Chill." Avis says flatly as she pulls me into the Slytherin Common Room.

I can't help but remember the last time I was here, when The Dare Jar Club vandalized and ripped hell on the Chamber.

Avis drags me up the girl's dormitory steps to her dorm.

She plops me down onto a bed and shoots me a scary look that says 'you try to escape and I eat your hair'. I shoot her one right back which she ignores.

Avis disappears into the bathroom for several minutes, the sound of her rustling around seeping through the door.

She exits just to grab me and pull me into the large, octagonal bathroom. She plops me on a chair and grabs her wand and a pair of scissors.

"Oh, HELL no. You are not coming anywhere near me with a pair of those muggle death snippers, what are you- hey!" I exclaim as she comes around behind me and I hear a snip.

I groan.

Fantastic. She's cutting my flippin' hair.

"Chill. I'm just taking care of your split ends. So I hear from Scorpious that the bloke you're in love with is going to the dance with someone else?"

"Yeah, well, he just asked her the other day, but I'm trying to get over him."

"How come?"

"He's my best friend and he doesn't feel the same way."

"Ahh." She said, and I winced as she took a rather large snip of my hair. The cold tile was now littered with little bits of my hair.

Once she had finished cutting my hair, she twisted it back into a bun and set to work on my face.

"Watch where you're poking that death stic- OW!"

"Calm down for god's sake. It's just eyeliner."

It was a painful and long process.

Not to mention the foundation shit that she smeared 'artistically' across my face was disgusting.

"Okay, shed the sweats. We're finding you a dress." Avis said without wavering.

"Shed my sweats? But the dance isn't for another-"

"Another ten minutes. And I still have to do your hair. So come on. Let's pick one."

We entered the dorm again, where there were two other girls dressed for a dance, sitting around and painting their nails.

Avis threw open her dresser and about fifty dresses spilled out.

There were ruffles, and lace, and there was silk and itchy material and sparkles and pink.

I shuddered as Avis started digging through the heap of materials from hell.

She tossed two clumps of material at me, before picking two more and handing them to me.

"Go try these on. I want to see them. "

I scowled at her before dragging the death traps into the loo to change.

I could tell right away the first one would suck, as it was pink and poofed out like a cupcake.

But I still dragged myself out of the bathroom to show Avis.

She grimaced and shook her head.

"Oh thank god." I sighed with relief.

This process continued, without me even looking at the dresses, just throwing on the fabric and letting Avis decide.

This continued until finally, I exited the loo and Avis exclaimed, "That's it!"

Her eyes opened more than half-way for the first time and she actually smiled.

I jumped back in shock at this new development. "What?"

"That's the one!" Now she was just smirking. She grabbed my arm and pulled me in front of the mirror, and I froze.

After all that time sitting there being plucked and prodded at, I can't believe that I didn't look all red and raw.

Instead, I saw myself, except much more defined and classy looking back at me.

The dress was a lime green number that didn't feel like it was squeezing me to death, and it didn't look like a cupcake.

It fit me perfectly, falling at the right places, and collecting at the perfect positions. The fabric wasn't even itchy.

"C'mon. We have to hurry if we're going to be fashionably late." Avis said as she plopped me down in the chair again.

Her hands worked fast, working my hair out of the bun and twisting back bits of the side so that my hair 'cascaded in perfect waves' over my shoulder. It looked allright.

I looked allright.

Avis took a total of ten minutes getting her dress on and freshening her hair up, which she had done before my arrival along with her makeup.

She looked like the ice queen.

It was quite intimidating really.

But then she put the biggest heels on I had ever seen.

She tossed me a pair of white heels and I slipped them on, knowing that she would force me into them anyway.

We descended the stairs together, but her date was waiting at the bottom of the steps, whereas I had to go searching around the castle for mine.

I was wandering in the general direction of the hallway, looking for Scorp, when I overheard Ashley, the girl Al used to be in love with, talking behind an arch with a friend.

"-but he asked me, of course he likes me that way! He's been in love with me since the third year for god's sake!" her voice said.

Oh, fantastic. She was talking about her date with Al tonight.

Oh, did I forget to mention that Al asked Ashley? Must have slipped my mind along with all the bitterness and jealousy I have. Yep, just slipped right out like water pouring out a desert sink hole.

"Look, Ashley, all I'm saying is that maybe you should just be nice to him and he might be nice back. If you really want to date him..."

Yuck. I think I just barfed in my mouth a little bit. I wandered on down the hallway, until I saw Tanner with his 'fit' seventh year.

His eyes went wide and he wolf-whistled much to his date's displeasure.

"Taylor Ackhart in a dress? I thought I'd never see the day. And is that- GASP makeup?" He said, mock surprised.

I nudged him over the top of his head. "Shut up. I was forced into this after Scorp realized I planned on wearing jeans."

He waggled his eyebrows suggestively. "You and Scorp, huh?"

"No, but the girl he likes turned him down." I explain.

Tanner nods. "Poor bloke."

"You seen him? I'm still looking for him."

"No, haven't. But he should be around. See you later Taylor."

"See you." I say looking around again for Scorp.

Ah. There he is, standing in the corner watching Rose and her date line up to enter the Great Hall.

I walk over and sock him on the arm. Hard.

"OW! What was that for?"

"I can't believe you made me sit through that torture you bastard!"

"Well, you look great, if that helps. Al will be jealous."

"Shut up. I look stupid." I huff.

"No you don't. You look hot. Now, let's go."

Who said chivalry was dead? They're dead on.

 

Okay, so since we're already in the middle of some lame dance story where the girl (sadly, me although I'm disguised under pretty girl makeup) attempts to woo the boy by changing herself for him and ends up crying alone by the time the night's over, I'm just going to try and explain another clishe about dances.

You know that moment in all those trashy movie ever made? The one where the ball is in full swing, everyone all jolly and merry, except for the grumpy prince who is without his fair lady. And then, that one song comes on, and time seems to freeze. And all of a sudden, it's only the hero, or the prince, standing there, gazing up the ornate staircase at something that everyone can't quite make out yet. The lights dim and huge spotlight centers on the top step of the staircase, and a girl is revealed.

But not just any girl. It's the most beautiful girl the prince has ever seen, and they seem to only have eyes for each other as she drifts slowly and daintily down the staircase in some bangin' dress with the most banging' smile, and the guy has the most jaw-dropping bangin' face on.

Well, that happened at this year's Yule ball. Al was standing there in the crowd of people in the Entrance Hall, small talking with people, biding his time until his date (Ashley) arrived. I was standing at the top of the steps, peering down at the group of people swarming through the two halls that were connected.

Then, as if by some unforseen spotlight, Al looked over to where I was standing, in my bangin' dress, my bangin' hair, with a bloody bangin' smile on my face as he looked over.

Al's jaw dropped, his eyes wide.

I smiled brighter at him.

He smiled back.

Everything was coming together like in that perfect moment in those god-awful chick flicks.

I waved slightly.

He didn't wave, but his gaze shifted the tiniest margin.

I had just begun my descent down the stairs when I realized he was looking right behind me.

I turned slightly, just enough to see what he had been staring at the entire time.

And it turns out I wasn't that girl.

Yes, I had the bangin' dress, the bangin' shoes, and the bangin' hair.

But Al's bangin' stare wasn't directed at me. It was directed at the girl behind me.

Ashley bloody bangin' Pierce stood there, looking straight at Al with a shy smile on her face.

She was wearing a floor length poofy skirted dress, a light pink one with a sweetheart neckline, her hair drawn back in an elaborate twisty thing. A diamond necklace adorned her throat.

And Al was staring at her with the most bangin' look in his eyes, like Ashley bangin' Pierce was the best bangin' present he could've recieved at that moment.

And I stood there, shell shocked and bangin', completely forgotten.
 
 
 


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