Chapter 18 : If you can't remember it, it didn't happen
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Hello everyone! I am so sorry it's taken this long, but here it is, chapter 18!!
Hope you enjoy it! And please, review! =)
*Note: The song Sirius is singing and that has gotten me into a ridiculous amount of trouble with moderators is Jar of Hearts by Christina Perri. The chapter made a lot more sense with the song in it but it is not allowed so I apologise. If you have any questions, leave a review! Thank you!
-“Welcome back”- he told me as I entered the room where we had our practice.
-“Good to see you, too”- He chuckled. I was the first one to arrive. Of course, I had come early in purpose.
-“Why are you early?”- he asked, eyeing me suspiciously.
-“Lucius Malfoy is not in Azkaban”- I said, icily. He sighed.
-“I know. We could not find evidence that he had anything to do with Lucinda’s death”- he informed me. I felt anger immediately building up inside me.
-“You could not find EVIDENCE THAT HE WAS BEHIND IT? ARE YOU KIDDING ME?”- I yelled at him. I was beginning to develop some serious anger management issues, especially when it came to Walter.
-“He was not in York and he was definitely not in her apartment when it happened”- he replied, calmly. Thank Merlin one of us could keep it cool.
-“Well, it is OBVIOUS that if she hadn’t gone to his Manor she would still be alive!”- I retorted. Seriously, was I the only smart person left in the world? What was wrong with these people?
-“That doesn’t make him guilty of murder”- Walter reasoned.
-“He’s guilty by association”- I had to admit that he was right. Or maybe not.
-“Naomi, I want him in jail just as much as you do but we can’t do anything about it until he makes a mistake”- he told me. I sighed and dropped myself on the nearest chair.
-“You’ll let me know if he messes up, won’t you?”- I asked. He smiled.
-“Sure, I will”- he replied.
-“Who did I kill?”- I could see that my question took him by surprise but not as much as the nonchalance that tainted my voice as I openly spoke about having committed murder.
-“Naomi… you didn’t kill anybody. It was an accident”- he said, carefully.
-“If you’re worried about my sanity, I’m perfectly fine. In case you haven’t noticed, I do not feel guilty or anything at all for that matter. I’m just curious”- I informed him. He sighed.
-“Hugh’s done a good job with you”- he said.
-“Better than he thinks”- I agreed. Walter smiled.
-“You’ll make a great auror”
-“You still haven’t answered my question”- I insisted.
-“It was someone called Perkins. He had been arrested for minor crimes before”- he informed me. I smiled.
-“Never heard of him”- I replied, flatly.
-“And we never will again”- he half joked. Everyone else chose that moment to come in so we didn’t say anything else about it.
When we were all ready to start practice, Walter announced that he was going to use our little adventure to train the group for real battle. He began by explaining how York’s battle had developed with more detail than I thought possible. I sat there, listening to him and trying to remember what he was saying. Half the things he said happened, I couldn’t remember. After twenty minutes, my forehead hurt from the intensity of my frown. How was it possible that everything was so confusing?
-“Naomi, come here, please”- I heard Walter say. I stood up and walked, still frustrated.
-“What’s up?”- I asked, vaguely. Sirius chuckled. I glared at him.
-“Do you feel comfortable with going back there?”- he asked me. I looked at him in utter shock.
-“I think it’s a good way of training, I can take out the memory from your mind and… Dumbledore’s let me borrow his pensieve. But only if you feel comfortable with it”- he told me. I looked around. Everyone was silent, staring at me, waiting for me to say something. I realized that I did not care if they wanted to watch the battle; I did not want them finding out about the cloak though.
-“I will take the memory out myself”- I announced. He looked confused.
-“If you know how to do it”- he shrugged. I smirked. Who did he think I was? There was a reason I did not recall my mother’s bloody body. All those memories were safely hidden in the depths of our house’s basement in Spain.
-“I know”- I replied, taking out my wand. He took out the pensieve and placed it in the middle of the room.
-“Everyone, please gather around. This is a pensieve. It is like a pool of memories. A wizard can take their memories out of their mind and re visit them from another point of view, an external point of view. It is a very useful way of getting information that you would otherwise overlook. While we’re there, please remember that it is all a memory, therefore, even if a spell comes your way you won’t be hit”- he explained.
-“Will Naomi see herself?”- Lily asked, curious.
-“Yes, we will all see what Naomi saw, even the things she is not aware she saw”- he explained. I raised an eyebrow.
-“You should have thought of this before”- I told him. He looked at me weirdly as I pulled out the shinny string out of my head.
-“That’s so cool”- Peter said, excitedly.
-“What do you mean?”- Walter asked me as I put the memory in the pensieve. I leaned in and motioned for everyone else to do the same.
-“We’re finding out who got my guts spilled out”- I spat right before diving in.
I walked back to my room feeling murderous. I had left straight away, not giving anyone time to talk to me after we got out of my memory. I had successfully left out my arrival, meaning that they didn’t see me getting out of the cloak or saving Walter and, accidentally, killing someone. We did see, however, that it had been Bellatrix Lestrange who had hit me with a nasty curse. I had never heard of that one before, but that wasn’t what bothered me. We had no idea she had been there, and she had got away.
-“Naomi, wait!”- I did not stop even though I would recognize that voice in a million. However, being the ridiculously fit boy that he is, Sirius caught up with me in no time.
-“What do you want?”- I snapped. I was irritated and in no state to engage in any conversation with Sirius.
-“I just want to know if you’re okay”- he said, calmly.
-“Why on Earth wouldn’t I be?”- I snarled. I had not looked at him yet and I was still walking. I had no idea why I was so pissed at him; I guessed I was just pissed in general. All I knew was that his question had irritated me more than I already was, if possible.
-“Well, we just… you know… the curse”- he stuttered awkwardly.
-“I am FINE”- I yelled at him.
-“Hey, no need to yell at me!”- he defended himself. Of course, he was right but as usually I didn’t care.
-“No need to follow me around all the time! God damn it! Every time I turn a corner there you are! The Infamous Sirius Black acting as if he was some kind of knight in shinny armor, making sure that the oh so troubled Naomi is safe!”- that was totally uncalled for and I knew it. Where it had come from, I had no idea. He looked positively annoyed.
-“Well, if you don’t want me around you just have to say it!”- he snapped. I snorted.
-“Oh, please, like you would EVER leave me alone!”- I retorted.
-“I don’t need to leave you alone because you already ARE ALONE! You keep pushing people away, the MIGHTY NAOMI WHO DOESN’T NEED ANYBODY BUT HERSELF!”- he yelled back.
-“Well, it’s about bloody time you get it! I DON’T NEED ANYBODY!”- I replied just as loud. We had stopped walking and were now engaged in the fight in the middle of only Merlin knows what corridor.
-“GOOD FOR YOU because you HAVE NOBODY!”- he insisted. I rolled my eyes.
-“Last time I checked this WAS NOT YOUR PROBLEM!”- I spat. He smirked.
-“It isn’t! Forgive me if I thought you might be a little upset that the Death Eater who ALMOST KILLED YOU got away!”- he mocked. I growled.
-“Like I said, IT IS NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS”- I replied.
-“Actually, it is”- he said a lot more quietly than I expected. That really and I mean, really pissed me off. Why did he think he could care? Why did he think he had the right to check on me all the time? Why did I CARE that he CARED? Was that what friendship meant? Well, if it did, I was sure as hell I wasn’t ready for it or else I wouldn’t be so damned irritated. I was so confused and angry that I did not think before I spoke, otherwise I would have never said what came out of my mouth next.
-“Oh, really? And why is that? Huh? Maybe ‘cause it was your bloody COUSIN WHO CURSED ME?”- he looked like I had just slapped him. No, that’s an understatement. He looked beyond hurt. He looked betrayed.
-“It was more along the lines of ‘If I hadn’t showed her the invisibility cloak she wouldn’t have been able to go and therefore get hurt’ but if that’s how you feel you’re right. I don’t give a shit anymore”- he hissed before turning around and walking away. I stood there for a full five minutes, trying to understand what the hell had just happened.
First I had seen Bellatrix curse me and get away with it. That had put me in a terrible mood. Second, Sirius had come after me to check on me. That had irritated me. I understood the first part, not the second though. Why had the fact that he came to see how I was annoyed me so much? I took a deep breath and did the only thing I could do, replay it all in my mind. There I was, walking and fuming about how much I loathed Bellatrix when I heard him calling after me. I had recognized his voice immediately, but that wasn’t new. I had spent enough time around Sirius to distinguish his voice. Then he had caught up with me and I kept walking. Everything was pretty normal, considering that I was absolutely mad from the beginning and it had nothing to do with him asking me if I was fine whatsoever. Then he had stuttered something about the curse and I had looked at him. THERE. I saw the signs pointing at this moment rather anxiously so I kind of paused there. It was when I finally looked at him that I grew more and more angry with each passing second. Why? I recalled his face. The way he looked at me. He was concerned, and worried. And what’s worse: I could see it in his eyes and… no. No way. Did I? Had I, for even the smallest, shortest second of all, felt happy that he was genuinely interested in knowing how I was? As much as I hated myself for it, yes I had. And that had scared the shit out of me even though I hadn’t realized. That was why I got so upset to yell such horrible things at him. What kind of a person was I? Was I really that bad to make him feel miserable because he made me feel okay?
-“Naomi, what are you doing?”- I looked up and met James’ eyes.
-“I need to find Sirius”- I told him. He smiled.
-“I thought he came after you?”- he asked. I glared at him. I did not want to tell him what had happened.
-“He did. I scared him away, of course”- I replied. He smiled.
-“Why do you keep doing that?”- he asked. I frowned.
-“What the hell are you talking about?”
-“Well, you put a hell of a lot of effort in pushing him away, don’t you?”- he informed me. Oh. I had no idea it looked like that. I mean, I sure did not push him away in purpose. I mean, I was just like that. No?
-“I push everyone away”- I replied, coldly.
-“I know. But Sirius… well, you should make an exception”- he said. I raised an eyebrow.
-“And why would I want to do that?”- I asked him. I tainted my words with fake boredom but the truth was that I really want to hear his answer.
-“That you need to find out on your own”- he said mystically. Oh, come on.
-“Piss off”- I growled, annoyed. He chuckled.
-“Hold on, I can help you find him”- he called after me as I began to walk away.
-“And how would you do that? I have no idea where he went. I pissed the shit out of him this time”- I said.
-“No doubt, you have a gift”- he joked. I rolled my eyes.
-“Whatever”- I turned again but he grabbed my arm and pulled me to him, trying to stop me from going away. There was something way too close to an electrifying pulse running through my skin when we made contact. I had not touched him again since Halloween. He stared into my eyes. Shit, I had forgotten how irresistible his gaze was. I felt a sudden urge to kiss him grow in me as his eyes travelled to my lips and I knew that he wanted to kiss me, too. What if we gave in? Just one more time? No one would know, we were alone in this deserted corridor… he was single, I was single…
-“I… ehm… shit, Naomi, we can’t do this”- he said. I could hear the lust in his voice and feel the heat irradiating from his body. Of course, he was right. Some part of me told me that we couldn’t do it; I just didn’t remember the reasons why this wasn’t a good idea.
-“I know”- I whispered, vaguely. I was beginning to lose it by now; my body was conspiring against my mind, preparing a takeover. If my instincts won the battle, we would be doomed.
-“You’re toxic”- he said, leaning in. We were inches apart from each other. I looked down at his lips, then back into his eyes. He returned my gaze.
-“How bad would it be?”- I asked him.
-“Really bad”- he replied, closing the distance between us. His lips felt soft and inviting, his kiss was perfect, gentle. I kissed him back, letting go of the last bit of sanity left in me.
We walked in silence, one beside the other. Now that the lust was gone, all that was left was silence. It wasn’t one of those awkward moments; I felt it incredibly easy to just walk next to James. It was the second time I gave in to his charm, and he to mine. It still didn’t feel wrong. We had almost arrived at Gryffindor Tower and I was still waiting for that thing people called guilt to come. It hadn’t. I knew now why we shouldn’t have done it, Lily. However, some part of me kept telling me that she hadn’t made her move yet so James was perfectly entitled to do as he pleased. And so was I. Another part of me, though, told me that if I was anywhere near normal I would feel like shit. It was at moments like this when I felt both, thankful that I was such a bitch and disgusted at my own coldness. How far did the ice in my soul go? How thin could I stretch myself before I vanished? How many strings could I successfully orchestrate before someone noticed just how bad I truly was and everything fell apart?
-“Hey, I’m going to wait out here for a couple minutes, so we don’t come in together in case someone’s still awake”- I heard James say. I looked at him and nodded.
-“Night”- I could see he was feeling far worse than I was, but I did not dwell on it. After all, I had enough issues as it was.
I watched as she walked in the common room. What had happened to me? Why did she have such a charm on me? What the hell was that magnetic pull I felt when I touched her? It had been an honest accident, all I wanted was to show her the map and tell her how to find Padfoot. Instead, I had ended up having sex with the woman my best friend, no, my brother loved. I had never failed him, not once. I was proud of myself for being the most loyal of friends. I worshiped Sirius, he was the best thing that ever happened to me. No wonder I felt like shit. I had stolen the only thing he ever truly wanted. The guilt was too much for me to bear. It was eating me alive. The first time it happened I didn’t feel so bad; I was mainly worried about Lily finding out. But that was before I saw Sirius declare his undying love for her when we all thought she’d die. How could I have done this to him? What kind of friend was I? My mind kept coming up with excuses to make me feel better: they were not together, she did not return his feelings, it was a moment of weakness, and you had her first. I wanted to hit myself for thinking like that. Yes, I had felt slightly jealous of their relationship, even if it involved more yelling and insulting each other than being nice but even I could see that there was something real between them.
This all made no sense to me, I loved Lily and I had no doubt about it. I had tried to ask myself if this meant that I was over her by now but only coming up with the question had taken a lot of effort. Answering it had been easy though. There was not an inch of my body who did not love Lily Evans beyond any reason. Then why did I keep doing this? Why did I wake up in the middle of the night from very inappropriate dreams about Naomi? What the hell was wrong with me?
That night I didn’t sleep at all. I couldn’t. Every time I closed my eyes I saw either Naomi’s perfect body moving against mine or Sirius’ hurt face if he ever found out. Could I keep this secret? Would I be able to hide such a thing from him for the rest of my life? I did not know if I could. I had no doubt that Naomi would never tell a soul; she was like that. I even doubted she felt the slightest bit bad about it, but I didn’t expect her to. After all, she had no idea Sirius loved her and as far as she was concerned, we were both single and free to do as we pleased. I envied her. I envier her because being the way she was made life a hell of a lot easier.
-“Prongs, get out of bed already!”- I heard Remus exclaim. I growled.
-“Coming”- I huffed.
-“Are we going to Hogsmeadge tonight?”- Wormtail asked.
-“Yeah, why not”- Moony replied. I got out of the bed and looked around.
-“Where’s Padfoot?”- I asked.
-“We don’t know, he didn’t come back last night”- Peter explained. I panicked.
-“Didn’t you check the map?”- I asked rather anxiously.
-“You had it on you!”- Remus replied. Oh, right. I took it out.
-“I solemnly swear that I am up to no good”- I said. They came and we all gathered around it. Hogwarts appeared before our eyes.
-“Do you know if he was… ehrm… meeting anyone last night?”- Peter asked while we checked every room in the castle.
-“He got into a fight with Naomi”- I replied a little too quickly. Moony eyed me suspiciously. I had to be extremely careful around him; he was way too perceptive for his own good.
-“How do you know?”- he asked me.
-“I ran into Naomi when she was coming back to the common room”- I said as nonchalantly as I could. Apparently, that sufficed because he did not insist on it. Thank Merlin.
-“There he is. Oh, shit, he’s in a bad mood, isn’t he?”- Peter exclaimed. I looked where he was pointing. Yeah, he was in the music room. That meant that he’d been playing guitar all night and he only did that when he was really upset about something. Fuck, I was in no state to get him out of his sulky mood.
-“You should go find him”- Moony told me. I looked at him.
-“Yeah”- I got dressed as quickly as possible and left, taking the map with me. How was I going to do this? How was I supposed to make him feel better about an argument with the girl I had slept with a few hours ago? Fuck my life.
I saw James getting out of the common room on his own way too early for him to be going to breakfast. That was odd. I was on my way to the music room, the confusion from last night had not gone away and I knew the only way to clear my mind by now was to play again until my hands hurt. We only had one class that day and it had been cancelled anyway. Apparently Professor whatever his face was had stomach flu or food poisoning or something. Perfect. I was thinking on how useful it was that Lily was Head Girl when I got to the music room. To my surprise, James was standing outside, looking slightly sick.
-“What’s wrong with you?”- I asked. He jumped, taken by surprise.
-“What are you doing here?!”- he said, visibly worried. How weird.
-“I think I’m perfectly free to come to the music room any time I feel like it”- I replied, flatly. He looked at me in disbelief.
-“Don’t tell me you play guitar”- I had no idea why he found it so funny, but his face gave it away.
-“I play guitar but I prefer the piano”- I informed him. He sighed.
-“Sirius’ in there”- he told me. Oh. Crap.
-“What’s he doing in there?”- I asked. He looked mortified.
-“He… he’s upset. I don’t know what kind of an argument you got in last night… but he did not come back. He’s been in here”- he explained. I analyzed James’ face.
-“And you feel bad because you have to go in and make him feel better about fighting with me”- I said. He nodded, silently. Then, he looked into my eyes. This time was completely different from when we got caught up in lust. This time his eyes hurt. They bore with such intensity into mine that I felt nauseated. I had never, ever seen anyone going through such pain in my life. Emotional pain, that is.
-“I feel awful”- he whispered. As the words reached my ears and my brain processed them, I felt it. For the very first time in my entire life I felt guilty. It was really strange. I wasn’t feeling guilty because of Lily, I wasn’t feeling bad that I hadn’t come to find Sirius like I originally wanted to. I was feeling guilty because I had put James through such a thing.
-“Tell me something James, what am I missing here?”- I asked him carefully.
-“I can’t tell you, although you should have picked up on it by now”- he replied. I frowned. He kept telling me that and I had no idea what he was referring to.
-“I don’t understand why it makes you feel so bad”- I said, truthfully.
-“Well, for one, you’re Lily’s friend; which means that I’ve probably blown my chances with her. If I did have any, that is”- he explained –“And, well, I know you slept with Sirius”
-“So?”- I understood the Lily part of it, the Sirius bit? Made no sense.
-“We have this thing… Marauder’s code. We don’t do the girls one of us has done before”- he said. Oh. Well, it didn’t really make sense to me but, again, none of the friendship codes did. I was absolutely clueless as to how friends behaved, let alone semi brothers like these four were.
-“I’m… ehm… can I make it better?”- I was about to apologize but I knew that an apology had to sound like you meant it. And I really wasn’t sorry for sleeping with James. I was sorry for making him feel like he had failed his friends, but that was a completely different story.
-“No, unless you have a time turner”- he joked. I stared at him, blankly. Well, I did not have a time turner, but I could make things better for him. Normally, I would have just done it; without his permission. But James had been too good to me to just go and do it without warning, so I asked.
-“I have something better. I’m great with memory charms”- I told him. He looked shocked.
-“I can erase your memory. Delete last night and Halloween’s”- I informed him.
-“That’s not right. Forgetting about it won’t make it right”- he replied .Oh, annoying morality.
-“Look, James, we can’t undo it, can we? And I’m perfectly fine with it, I don’t feel bad but you do. You feel like shit and, well, I can help you”- I said, slightly annoyed now.
-“Won’t it be weird? For you, I mean? Knowing that I don’t remember?”- he asked. Oh, please.
-“I’ll live”- I retorted. I did not give him a chance to change his mind. I drew out my wand and, without hesitation, performed the spells. I carefully removed the memories of us sleeping together and replaced them with fake ones of us just talking. When I was done, I walked away before he came back to his senses and waited until he pushed open the door of the Music Room.
This presented a problem. I was still confused and now I couldn’t play the piano to wash away my confusion. I groaned. Why had I felt the need to help James? I swear, this evil/nice thing was tiring. I made no sense to myself. How could I be so mean as to sleep with James and feel nothing about it and then try to make it right but taking such burden away from him? The last months of my life were absolutely ridiculous. I had imperiused a girl, broke up Rhea’s relationship with Diggory, ruined Narcissa’s social life and killed someone among many other minor things that qualified me as irrefutably evil. Yet, I had befriended Sirius and had some honest, nice talks with him; I had made my pregnant friend feel better about it and made James forget he’d slept with me among other things that qualified me as… a little bit nice. No? Anyway, I was beyond messed up.
I decided that, since James had no memory of me meeting him outside the music room whatsoever, I could just pretend I didn’t know they were there. I pushed the door open and walked in.
I was not expecting Sirius’ voice to be so amazing. They had not noticed me. I couldn’t help it; I stood still, hidden, listening. He was singing a song I had never heard before but it was beautiful. And sad.
I was frozen. I could not pay attention to the rest of the song. Why was he singing that? Was he singing… about me? There was a sudden explosion of emotions inside me. It took me so much by surprise that I would have felt sick if I had had breakfast that morning. What was this? Why did I feel so… bad? First James and the stupid guilt I had felt for putting him in such a difficult position and now this? What the hell was this? What was happening to me? WHAT HAD SIRIUS BLACK DONE TO ME?
-“Mate, that’s a really good song”- James’ voice made me snap back to reality.
-“It’s by some muggle”- he replied.
-“What are you going to do?”- James asked him. My heart beat went crazy. I really, and I mean really wanted to know what he was going to do. Had I messed our friendship up so much it was beyond repair?
-“I don’t know. She’s too difficult”- he sighed. No. NO! I heard it, the little voice in my mind that only came in moments of real need. That voice that sounded painfully like my mother and only showed up when I was on the edge of despair. She was yelling like crazy, pleading. Pleading? Are you kidding me? There is a voice in my head pleading? I don’t beg!
-“So, you’re just gonna give up on her?”- James insisted. The voice in my mind was going nuts. It was painful because it reminded me of my mother when she got really worked up about a movie and started yelling at the main character that he was making a stupid mistake and then telling the girl that she was stupid for not realizing how much he loved her. I did have issues. So did my mother. And now, so did my secret voice.
-“Yes”- Sirius said, sighing. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Okay, that was over the top. No! Don’t! Don’t give up on us, please don’t! We need you! She doesn’t know it yet but we do, we really do! Don’t give up!
-“Padfoot, are you positive? No going back?”- as James asked the question I saw the tiny version of my mother in my head wait anxiously for his answer. And then I felt something else. Something that was not in my head. What was it? And, most importantly, where was it?
-“Yeah, I’m over it, tired and sick. Naomi Ivy can go to hell as far as I’m concerned. She’ll end up there anyway”- Don’t… I did not hear the voice. I did not hear it because there was a much louder noise that caught my attention. It came like lightning; it was fast, glorious and inevitable. It was strong like a hurricane, chaotic like a tornado and unstoppable, like the rising of the sun every morning. And it didn’t come alone. The moment I heard the sound of a thousand crystals breaking, crashing in pieces scattered all over me, all my senses rose up ready to fight mercilessly. There was something unknown in me that was hurting; cutting me like a million knives had been stabbed through me. It was so scary that my body began to tremble, the air left the room and the world stopped spinning. I couldn’t hear Sirius and James talking anymore, all I could replay was the sound of… but it couldn’t possibly… I didn’t know I had one… I had locked it away with the memories of my mother, it was dormant, poisoned with dreamless potions and covered with all the Ice in the North Pole… that crashing, metallic sound couldn’t have been the sound of my heart breaking upon realization that Sirius Black had given up on me. But it was. I had no idea that I wanted him to figure me out, I had no idea that I was counting on him to find out everything about me and, eventually, heal me. I did not know that I had subconsciously wished for him to take away the fear and pain caused by my mother’s death. I relied on him, I had, unknowingly, assumed that he would be the one to bring me back to light. Now, he had given up on me and I was lost as ever. Why it hurt so much, I didn’t know, but it did. I had never felt anything like this. Not when mom left, not when Lulu was taken. Most of it was unknown to me but that didn’t make it any easier.
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