Chapter 20 : Thought Process.
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Hey lovelies! This chapter is set up a little weird. It's the thought processes of both Draco and Hermione. Draco's are the normal font while Hermione's are italicized.
Happy reading! ( And reviewing? :D )
She was ignoring me.
I was ignoring him.
She wouldn't answer a single one of my calls. I thought about stopping by her house again but then remembered how badly that ended last time. This time if I punched him I wasn't sure I'd be able to stop. I hated him. I hated him for keeping her away from me.
I would sit and watch the phone ring, knowing exactly who it was. It was him, always him. I didn't answer any of his calls. Just let it ring. I was hoping he wouldn't show up like last time. That would be horrendous. Ron still would go on and on about how horrible of a person Draco is because “who honestly comes to someone's house and punches them for no reason?” I never did talk to Ron about Draco's side of the story, even though that is the one I actually believed. It was just too out there for me to believe Ron's. Yet to save myself from another stressful fight with him, I never mentioned it. Draco better not show up. Why didn't he just get it? After all it was his idea. I needed him to stay away, just like he had told me to.
I should never have said the things I did. I needed her. On the list of things I needed in my life to survive was her....and then air. But mostly her. She could give me everything I ever wanted, I wish she would.
It had been a month of this. I don't know what had changed his mind. Maybe he was bipolar? He told me the day of his little going away party that he wanted to get over me. He also said how the only way he could do that was staying away from me. Now it seemed that he couldn't choose what he wanted anymore, it was a game to him. A toss up. It depended on how convenient it was for him to be with me it seemed. I couldn't play this game any longer. So there, I made the choice for him. I was done.
It had been two whole months since we last spoke. It felt like each passing day another chunk of me went missing. I would end up as nothing. She was tearing me apart and she wasn't even doing anything, that's just it though...she wasn't doing anything.
It had been two months. He needed to just stop trying. I wasn't going to budge...even if a large part of me wanted to. I knew better, I had to stand my ground.
One day she'll pick up the phone when I call. I just had to keep trying...I had to. I couldn't give up.
Once though...once I almost did allow him to talk to me. It was just a lapse in judgment. I almost answered one phone call. It was late at night and Ron was missing in action. Again. I was upset because he has just told me I needed to work out because I was getting fat. I then reminded him that I wasn't fat, that I had a baby growing inside of me. He told me he had forgotten, must have repressed the memory of me telling him. It was pretty hurtful for him to have done, to have said it anyway. I was seventeen weeks pregnant. I was in the stage where you couldn't tell I was pregnant, I just looked chubby. I started wearing less fitted tops and more relaxed ones. I didn't look bad, even for being pregnant. Yet he made me feel like nothing, per usual. I was home alone after Ron had taken off and I heard the phone ring. It would of course been Draco. I needed him. I needed him so much at that moment. I needed my best friend back, the one I could tell anything to. I couldn't handle going through this pregnancy alone.
I knew she would be seventeen weeks now. And since she told me she was pregnant at 7 weeks, that means that it has been ten weeks since our friendship, and any relationship we had, died. I wish I could go back, say something different, do something different. Anything to change this, I'd do anything. Ten whole weeks...I couldn't believe it. It sounded so long, yet felt so short. It can't only be ten weeks? Maybe ten years! Yeah that seemed more like it. Each day had seemed like a lifetime. How pathetic was I?
It had been so long since I've really talked to anyone. Usually I talk to Loren but I just couldn't. She had tried a few times but I just never knew what to say. We would still go to lunch together during work, but we never talked about me. We only ever talked about work or her, she started to learn not to even ask how I was doing because each time I would just throw her a “you don't even want to go there” look. Then of course there were the Weasleys but... I couldn’t talk to them about Ron. I tried talking to Harry but he told me that Ron would get over it and that I just needed to give him time. That's how it has been going with that entire family since Ron and I got engaged. Maybe I no longer wanted to be part of that family. But I would be forced into it. I was having his baby, so I locked into it...even if I don't marry Ron. Ginny was also impossible to talk to, she only ever wanted to talk about the wedding. She kept giving me all these crazy ideas so that finally I had to tell her we weren't even going to think about it until the baby was born. Ron and I decided to push back the wedding until after the baby is born. We just thought it would be better that way.
I was no where near as social as I had been. My mother was horribly worried about me. She kept stopping by my apartment unannounced. Then of course there was Vivian. She had apologized profusely to me when I went back to work. She claimed that she was way too drunk and had no idea what she was doing. She said she had no idea what she was saying then and she felt bad if she insulted me in anyway. “I'm a mean drunk...also kind of a overly friendly one.” She had murmured to me referencing how she tried to hook up with me that night. Ugh, I can't believe I had almost let that happen. Looking back I was so happy that I had stopped when I did, but wished I had never even went to the office with her. For some reason I had a hard time believing her. She didn't seem drunk at all that night, but then again I had been trying to forget about it all together.
Loren was trying though, I would give her that. She was not prying, she knew that I would hate that. I just needed some time. Two months was a long time ago...but not enough to get over him. Would I ever get over him?
Vivian started to act like a normal boss should. She didn't bother me much through out the day. She mostly left me alone unless it was to give me work or talk about something work related. She didn't speak of anything ever personal since she apologized to me. We were strict business and that's the way I liked it.
Ron was one of the worst parts of this time. He seemed to be acting even more strange towards me. He was never open or affectionate anymore. We rarely spent any time together. He was almost never even home and refused to tell me where he would be. He still had this mysterious way of disappearing whenever I needed him. So instead I just taught myself how to survive this on my own.
The worst part was the dreams.
Even more than Ron...the true worst part was the dreams that I kept having.
I would wake up and so desperately want them to be my reality. It always just left me laying in bed, disappointingly staring at the ceiling.
I kept waking up in the middle of the night, wishing I could push those images out of my head. Were they really dreams or nightmares? They were about things that I wanted so badly. But I hated that I wanted them.
Dreams of Hermione, always Hermione. Some of her as how she was when she was with me. She would be laughing or smiling. Always so much fun to be with. I missed her, I haven't seen that side of her in so long.
They were dreams from our friendship mostly. Dreams about us laughing and having a good time. I missed that. There were other dreams too. Dreams from our relationship. Dreams that I shouldn't be having about someone else when I'm already engaged...kinda. Though that didn't stop me from doing even worse things before. I'm putting full blame on my pregnancy hormones for some of those dreams.
The dreams kept coming the longer I was away from her. They stopped being limited to just dreams at night. Soon all my thoughts were occupied by her like that as well, day dreaming took over much of my time.
I thought about him too much. Far too much.
There were so many thoughts racing through my brain. I just had so much to ask her, so much I wanted to know.
Questions bounced around in my brain. I created scenarios in my head of what would happen when we saw each other again, if we did. What would that be like?
I wondered how she was. How was she dealing with that moron that she was going to marry? They were going to be married soon. I'm sure they are excitedly making plans for their wedding. And their honey moon. I couldn't bear to think of him touching her, touching her the way I have before. I felt dirty, dirty for her, knowing that she would be touched, felt, by someone so unworthy of her love. He didn't deserve to touch her smooth skin. Didn't deserve to hear her voice calling his name. He just plainly didn't deserve her.
I wondered how he was. The last glimpse I had gotten of him those two months ago he was with that blonde bitch. She didn't seem very happy about sharing him. Had he moved on? If he had why was he still trying to talk to me? Closure? To see if I had been okay after the way he left things, left me? Possibly. I didn't even want to know honestly, that would just make it that much harder.
I knew my time was running out. Once she was married, I'd be forced to give up. She would never run out of a marriage, that wasn't how she was. I needed to capture her attention and heart now. I needed her to be mine...and soon. I wish she would talk to me. I miss her more than anything.
Even though he makes me so frustrated I can't deny that I miss him. I miss him so much.
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