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Chapter 28 : Awake
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I was awake.
Utterly and totally awake.
I could hear the slow breaths of the girls around me as they slept on, oblivious to my screaming thoughts.
I took another deep breath, again trying to calm the constant stream of thoughts that reeled through my head, over and over again. Words, fights, shouts. On repeat, again and again.
I sighed and finally gave into the thought that had popped into my head hours ago. I pushed my covers back, and swung my legs out, closing my eyes briefly at the rush of black from standing up too quick. My eyes flitted to my clock: 1:36 am.
I sighed again, and quietly opened my trunk, grabbing the silvery fabric I had borrowed from Al three days ago. He knew I liked to wander when I couldn't sleep.
I didn't bother with socks, just stumbled down the stairs, the cold stone biting at my bare feet, my too long plaid pyjama bottoms trying to trip me. I hugged the cloth close before throwing it over me, wishing I had grabbed a sweater to pull over my too thin tank top.
Oh, well. I pushed through the portrait and let my feet guide me.
Stars were really a beautiful sight. You never really noticed until you looked at them but they were. Little pinpricks of light, like miniscule diamonds, piercing the black blanket of the sky. My breath escaped my throat in a puff of white as I leaned against the railing of the high up Astronomy Tower.
I looked down. It was far. The ground seemed forever away now, swallowed up by the darkness.
It didn't worry me through, I'd spent too much of my life on a broom. I loved heights too much to be afraid, besides if I fell, what difference would it make?
As if summoned by my thoughts, a voice behind me sounded. “Don't jump.”
I didn't need to turn around to know who it was. “What difference would it make to you?” I responded softly, cringing slightly as I said it.
He didn't say anything for a while. “It's funny how we always end up in the same place when we need to think. The pitch, the pond, and now here.” He was quiet again. “It's funny.”
I was quiet too, thinking of what to say. “Maybe the universe is trying to tell us something.” I almost whispered.
Once again, he didn't say anything, just walked over to the railing with soft footfalls, at least five feet from me, and leaned against it too.
Silence, a heavy weighted silence fell, one that I couldn't break. Every time I opened my mouth it was like someone shut it for me.
Finally, “I'm sorry.”
Both our heads snapped up, him surprised to hear it, me surprised I had finally gathered the courage to say it.
I took a deep breath, the cold January air biting at my lungs. “I'm sorry.” I said again.
He bobbed his head a little, grey eyes staring off. “Okay.”
“I mean it.” More force in my voice this time, and just like that the dam broke. “I'm sorry I hurt you, I'm sorry I blamed you, I'm sorry I yelled at you, I'm sorry I insulted you, I'm sorry I kissed Grayson, I'm sorry I gave up, and I'm sorry for not saying all of that sooner.” My breath came out ragged. “No, I'm sorry doesn't begin to cover it. You have to get it Scorpius, I hurt, I actually hurt for what I did, everything I've done. It feels like there's a hole in my chest. I can't function, the guilt is crushing me! I just-” I could feel tears sparking my eyes now and I took a deep rattling breath. “I just wanted you to know.”
The silence seemed to stretch on forever.
“I get it.” He said simply, finally meeting my eyes.
Tears were silently falling down my cheeks, fast and hot, but I smiled sadly at him. “I've lost you for good, haven't I?”
He smiled a little sadly too, but the hurt was clearly written across his face, “For now, at least.”
And then he turned and started to walk away.
“No.” I croaked out, hastily wiping away my tears. He turned slowly to face me, almost at the door, and I searched frantically for the right words. “What happens now?”
He sighed. “Let's just.... be. We can't avoid each other, Rose. But... but I can't forgive you. Not yet.”
I nodded, a crumbling feeling taking over. My heart was in my stomach and my throat all at the same time. All over again, I was so close to breaking.
“Okay.” I said, my voice thick.
He nodded, though not curtly, and turned to leave again, before taking a deep breath and turning back around. He pulled off this sweater, and handed it to me. I took it tentatively with shaking hands.
“You look cold.” And then he left.
“You're awake.” Ryan said, as I climbed out of my bed.
I took a deep breath. She wasn't talking about sleep. “Yes, I'm awake.”
Her green eyes flashed with some emotion to quick for me to grasp, and she nodded. “Good.”
“Can I sit down?” His voice was quiet and hesitant as he stared questioningly at Albus.
Al's green eyes went hard, and I saw his arm around Ryan stiffen. “Look, Scorpius, I think-”
“It's fine.” I cut in, swallowing the toast I'd been chewing. “He can sit.”
Albus looked at me, taken aback, but moved down a little for his best friend. The side of Ryan's mouth twitched.
“Rose.” Scorpius nodded at me, not quite meeting my eye. “How are you?”
“Fine.” I replied, a little breathlessly. “And you?”
And we continued eating. And it killed me. How distant we'd become, what we'd lost. But we just kept eating.
I was not okay but I was awake. I could feel again, but I was tired all the time. Things started to register in my head.
“Rose, why aren't you in bed?” A cross looking Fred loomed over me as I sat hunched in the Common Room later that day, scribbling away at a Muggle Studies essay.
“It's only half past ten.” I said, my eyebrows knitting.
“I told the team I wanted them in bed before ten because of the match tomorrow.” Fred replied shortly, raising an eyebrow at me.
My mouth fell open. Quidditch! Quidditch had taken a back burner in all that had happened in the last few months, practice was just an everyday occurrence, nothing weird or out of the ordinary about that. But my mind hadn't been in the game lately, too clouded by emotions and confusion. I floated through most practices, much to Fred's displeasure.
“Merlin, right, sorry, Fred.” I gathered my stuff up, and took the stairs up to my room two at a time.
I was ready. My hair braided down my back, my robes on, and boots laced. Gloves on and broom at my side. I was determined to make up for the last months with this game. I hadn't been part of the team really, but this game would change that. It was us against Hufflepuff, and I knew we could win.
“Okay, team.” Fred swept into the room and stood to face us, arms crossed. “Here we go. Time to shine. Remember the plays. Hugo, Callum, you ready?”
Callum nodded, looking nervous but Hugo narrowed his eyes at his elder cousin. “Don't you doubt us.”
Fred raised his hands at the two rookies. “No doubt here.” He turned to Rowan, who was pulling on his boots. “Let's bring the rain, Rowan!” He yelled, high fiving him.
“And lastly, my ladies.” Fred said, grinning madly. “Give 'em hell, Gracie. Lily, I don't care how nice the Puffs are, you do whatever it takes to catch that Snitch. And Rose,” he nodded his head to the corner, “come here.”
I sighed, and pushed myself off the bench. I knew what was coming.
“Look, I know you've been-”
“Stop.” I said firmly. “I am fine now. I'm awake, and I'm ready.”
He stared me down for a second before getting that dopey grin on his face. “Let's kick some ass then!”
The field was still covered in fluffy white snow, the goals frosted, and yet here we were, freezing our arses off mid air.
“CAL!” I yelled, and he threw the Quaffle to me, narrowing missing a Bludger sent by a Hufflepuff beater. I weaved my way down the field, Quaffle tucked under my arm. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw two yellow blurs coming towards me, one on either side of me. I held my breath as I waited, until the last possible moment, and finally dropped ten feet, straight down. The two crashed in to each other above me, and I darted back up, throwing the Quaffle as hard as I could at the right hoop. It soared past the Keeper's fingers and though the hoop, to be met with screams of approval from the mass of scarlet and gold fans.
“And yet another goal for Weasley! This makes this her eighth, Creevey and Thomas both tied at two. It's 140-40 for Gryffindor!” Lysander's voice rang though the stadium, the screams of Gryffindor and Hufflepuff deafening. “Biggs has possession! To Greene! And back- What's this?! Potter has seen the Snitch! She's racing after it! Smith is gaining, but no, ladies and gentlemen, she has it! GRYFFINDOR WINS!”
I screamed in delight, and flew to the ground, where my team was celebrating. Rowan and Fred were doing some sort of weird victory dance, while Hugo and Callum roared with laughter beside them. Gracie and Lily both jumped at me, enveloping me in their tiny arms.
“We won!” They sang, and I couldn't help but laugh. Moments like these made all the bad worth it.
People flooded onto the field, screaming and shouting along with us.
My cousin materialized beside me, and he pulled me into a hug. I grinned, as I hugged him back, ruffling his hair.
But my eyes fell on someone over Al's shoulder, and just like that the grin melted off my face as I watched Scorpius congratulate Rowan and walk away, not a single glance back at me.
And here comes the bad.
Life passes even when seconds seemed too drag by, life passes and days go by. It was January twenty-third. The day before Scorpius's birthday.
I stiffened as I heard my cousin approached, and bent further over my essay, scanning every inch of it for mistakes. Or at least pretending to, it wasn't often I found one.
“Hi, Al.” I smiled up at him, as he slid into his seat behind me.
“Rosie.” He grinned at me, and then leaned forward to peck Ryan on the cheek.
“Morning, Rose.” Scorpius nodded at me. My stomach dropped.
“Hi, Scorpius.” I forced my self to calmly nod back at him. I hated this. I hated this so much. We'd done this for almost three weeks now. The quiet small talk, the forced greetings. I felt like screaming. How could he talk to me like this? Like he felt nothing? It was like torture, my insides felt frayed. I just wanted him.
“Rose, you looking forward to tomorrow night?” Albus asked, wiggling his eyebrows.
I sighed inwardly. Tomorrow night was Scorpius's birthday party. And what was promised to be a full out rager in the Room of Requirement. “Sure am.”
He rolled his eyes. “At least sound excited, Rose.”
“Well, I'm excited to dance with you all night.” Ryan said to Al, winking at him, to which he responded by kissing her.
I sighed again.
“You don't have to come.” Scorpius almost whispered, and when I looked at him, he cleared his throat self consciously. “I mean, if you don't want to, no one's forcing you.”
I tried not to stare at him open mouthed, it was that most he'd spoken to me in weeks.
“It's okay.” I glanced down, not meeting his eyes. “I want to.”
“Right.” He nodded. And something flashed in his eyes, some glimpse of unknown emotion. Then his eyes fell back to the dead grey they'd been for a little while.
I couldn't take it anymore, it felt like something was building up, up, up and it was all about to come crashing down.
“Scorpius-” I didn't know what I was going to say, I just knew I had to say something, and now it was all coming out. “I-”
“Essays in everyone!” Flitwick's high voice chirped from the front of the class.
“Are you sure this looks okay?” I asked, smoothing my hands down the front of the dress as I stared into the mirror.
Ryan turned from her position in front of her own mirror, carefully applying mascara. “Rose, I told you a billion times, you look perfect.”
I sighed, I didn't really see it but I took her word for it. My dress was simple, a black A-line with a sweetheart neck. Dominique had tamed my hair into long, silky waves, and to her outrage, I wore only mascara and blush, my lips a rosy pink. I didn't feel like hiding behind lots of eyeliner and a crazy dress, I was too tired for that.
I looked myself over. I didn't look any different than I normally did, red hair, pale skin and blue eyes, but I'd go with it for now. “Okay.”
“For Merlin's sake, Rose, cheer the fuck up.” Dom exclaimed, rolling her eyes at me as she capped the tube of pink lipstick she held in her hand. “We're going to a party, not a funeral.”
“No one would think you're going to a funeral, Dominique.” I smirked, looking at her ice blue tube dress.
“No bickering, you two.” Ryan winked at me, as she checked herself over in the mirror one last time. She didn't need it though, she looked casual but stunning in tight black jeans and a salmon coloured top, her long hair falling in waves down her back. “Let's go!”
I forced a smile as I shouldered on my beaten up, brown leather jacket. The sleeves felt stiff but familiar, I hadn't wore in since the last night of summer. My stomach knotted but, like I had for three weeks, I ignored it.
Music blared in my ears the minute I stepped into the packed room, the bass thumping along with my heartbeat. The room was a cavern, a huge dance floor surrounded by couches and a soaring roof. A bar stood opposite the door manned by Gabriel Zabini.
“Let's dance!” Dominique shrieked, tugging my hand toward the mass of quaking bodies.
I twisted out of her grip. “I'm going to go get a drink.” I yelled, motioning to the bar.
“Okay, loser!” And with that Dom flitted off, followed by Ryan.
I pushed and weaved my way through the crowd, finally dropping into a stool in front of the glass bar.
“Pick your poison, Weasley.” Gabriel said, winking at me.
I rolled my eyes. “Just a Butterbeer tonight, Zabini.”
“Oh, is someone not in the mood for a party?” He asked sarcastically, his lips falling into a fake pout as he cracked open the bottle and slid it to me.
“You have no idea.” I muttered as I raised the glass to my lips.
I gagged as I glanced over my shoulder to see a tipsy looking Juliette Zabini running her hand over Scorpius's chest. He smiled and shook his head back at her. I choked, spraying Butterbeer onto a very disgruntled looking Hufflepuff. I muttered an apology.
“I changed my mind.” I said darkly to Gabriel.
“That's better.” He grinned lopsidedly, he glanced over my shoulder and the grin slid off his face. “Look, my sister's just-”
“A shot. Now.”
He set a glass on the table, and filled it with amber liquid. I brought it to my lips, and jerked my head back, feeling it burn down my throat.
“Another.” I gasped.
He silently poured me another shot, and I drank it just as quickly. My fingers drummed against the table for a moment, before I pushed off, and headed to the wall of the room, thinking hard. Already two glass doors were materializing in front of me.
A gust of cold air hit my face as I stepped out onto the dark balcony. The night was dark and cloudy, no stars pierced through the night. I rested my arms against the railing and sighed.
“Fancy meeting you here.” A low voice said from the shadows.
I started, and a tall dark skinned boy stepped out.
“Sorry, didn't mean to scare you.” He chuckled softly.
“Grayson, hi.” My voice was a little breathless as my stomach knotted yet again. We hadn't spoken since New Year's. Or at least I hadn't spoken to him, he'd written me two letters, but I'd burned them before I read them. I just didn't know what to say to him.
“Hello to you too, Rose.” He said, arching an eyebrow at me, his eyes a little accusing. “You know I tried apologizing. I wrote you letters.”
I sighed. “I know. I'm sorry, I just.... I couldn't really... After...” I shrugged, not knowing the words to describe what I was feeling. “I just couldn't.”
He ran a hand through his hair. “I get it. I screwed up though, Rose, I shouldn't have kissed you. But I didn't know, if I did know, I wouldn't have touched you.”
“I know, Gray, I'm not mad at you.” I said, not quite meeting his eyes.
“I feel like I ruined things between you two.” He whispered, and it was obvious the guilt he felt. “It's my fault.”
My eyes snapped to his. “No, Grayson, it's not. It's mine and Scorpius's, we're the ones who handled it terribly, we screwed up.” I paused, and I felt tears sting my eyes and my throat get thick. “I screwed up.”
“Rose.” I just looked at my feet, refusing to raise my head. “Come here.” And his arms wrapped around, holding me to his chest, as I tried to keep from falling apart.
The door opened behind us, and I raised my head, locking eyes with a pair of stormy grey ones.
“Sorry I interrupted.” He growled, his voice shaking with anger.
“Scorpius.” I gasped, and I pushed away from Grayson. “I-”
He gave me one look of utter hurt and anger, before turning on his heel and storming out of the door.
“Scorpius!” I said again, and ran after him. I grabbed his arm, trying to turn him around to face me.
“Whatever, Rose, do want you want, we're not together anymore. I don't care.” His voice was as hard as rock.
“Scorpius-” I tried to get words together.
“Just leave me alone, Rose.” He ground out and yanked his arm out of my grip.
“SCORPIUS!” I screamed, my voice cracking, people turned toward me but I didn't care. All I cared about was stopping him. “I'M SORRY!”
He jerked to a stop and turned slowly.
“For what?” He said softly, and I vaguely noticed the music had stopped.
“Everything.” My voice came out in a gasp, and I felt tears pouring down my cheeks now. “For... Everything.” I took a deep breath. “I'm sorry. I can't stand this anymore” My voice was so quiet I was almost mouthing the words. “Just please forgive me.”
“Rose.” His voice was agonized, his eyes searching my face desperately.
“Please.” My voice coming out in a whimper as I looked at him, my vision blurring.
He looked down, and ran a hand through his hair. He turned and took a step away, still not looking at me.
A sound that was half way between a gasp and a sob racked through my chest.
Then he turned back, and walked so quickly to me I barely had time to process what was going on. And then his lips were on mine, and my world exploded.
He pulled away and leaned his forehead against mine, his hands cupping my face. “Forgive me, I never should have walked away.”
I laughed, feeling giddy and sad and a million different emotions all at once. I just through my arms and around him, and brought his lips back to mine.
We kissed hungrily but lovingly, his lips salty from my tears but never had a kiss been sweeter.
“And there you go, folks, your entertain for the evening has finished!” Al's voice boomed around us, and I broke away from Scorpius, laughing as Al at the DJ booth started the music again. I turned my eyes back to Scorpius. I smiled a little sadly at him.
“I forgive you, Rose.”
And I breathed a sigh of relief, a thousand pounds finally lifted off my chest. “Just-Just don't leave me again.”
He wrapped his arms around my waist and hugged me to him, his lips at my ear. “Never.”
A/N: Yes, I am a terrible person for making you wait so long. And yes, I know, not my best work. But it's something and it's longer! Yay. Soooo that`s that chappie. Maybe if I get some more reviews next time, I`ll write faster! Just a thought. Kay, love you guys! Until next time xoxox
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