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In Love and War by Phoenix Quill
Chapter 3 : Snakes and Shocks
Rating: MatureChapter Reviews: 2

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 So, only a few hours after the feast had ended, I was eating again.

I should be fat despite playing Quidditch.

The house-elfs had supplied a great quantity of pies and ice-cream, so it was really their fault.

I was in no way responsible for the amount of food I consumed.

What? I'm good at denying the absolute truth.

The house-elfs had just brought out some more pies when Sarah arrived, face blotchy from tears.

Tears? Something really bad had happened. Sarah never cried, not even when she broke her leg in flying lessons. That was horrible. Her leg bone was sticking up, and she didn't even flinch, just called out for Madam Hooch to come and get her.

Sarah sat down slowly and looked at one of the house-elfs. "Can I have a tub of ice-cream, please?"

Oh dear. Ice-cream. Sarah only ate ice-cream when she was extremely upset. And anyway, eating a tub of ice-cream is like screaming "I'm extremely sad and need lots of ice-cold comfort food!!!"

Whereas when I ate a tub of ice-cream, I was just really hungry. Yeah, it sort of confuses people, but you can tell when I'm extremely upset because I bawl my eyes out and hiccup and drink excess amounts of firewhiskey.

Just don't tell my parents that.

The house-elf returned with a tub of choc-mint ice-cream and a spoon. Sarah smiled at her and stuck the spoon into the ice-cream, scooping out a massive chunk and stuffing it in her mouth. I waited for her to scream in unbearable agony, but somehow she escaped the Ice Picks of Doom.

Yes, that is my name for a brain freeze.

Seriously, it's like little men stabbing your eyeballs with icepicks.

Sarah stuck the spoon back into the ice-cream and looked at me with slightly red eyes. "Taylor...I fucked up. Really badly."

Oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit!

"You know how just before we went back to school, we all went to Scorpius' mansion and had a party?"

Crap crap crap crap crap crap!

" really drunk. Like, stumbling around singing bad eighties songs drunk. And...Jason was drunk too."

Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck!


Holy fucking Merlin holy fucking Merlin HOLY FUCKING MERLIN!

Sarah was watching me carefully. "Taylor? Are you...alright?"

I gaped at her. Like, full-on goldfish gape. "Am I alright? Am I alright? You've just told me that you're fucking pregnant and you want to know if I'm alright?"

Sarah stared at me, mouth open. No, that wasn't right. She'd closed her mouth and pressed her lips together to try and stop herself...laughing?


Sarah was shaking now, in an effort to try and keep a straight face. I raised a brow at her, which finally made her lose it. She started laughing hysterically, and soon I was joining in. Somehow, the fact that my friend was pregnant at the ripe old age of sixteen was hilarious.

"You...idiot!" I managed to say, despite the hysterical laughter.

Sarah couldn't even say anything. She was still laughing, slumped over the table that was, for some reason, smack-bang in the middle of the kitchen.

Yes, I did just say smack-bang.

Sue me. I dare you. My father's lawyers will rip you to shreds and rob you at the same time.

It took at least ten minutes for us to contain our laughter, by which time a group of house-elfs had surrounded us with strange looks on their huge-eyed faces.

That just made us laugh harder, in my opinion. Have you ever looked up and seen ten bug-eyed small wrinkly bat-eared people looking at you like you were sprouting antlers with green and black stripes? It looks hilarious, especially when you're already laughing hysterically.

So, once we had stopped laughing our asses off, Sarah wiped away a few tears and swallowed hard. "So...I fucked up everything, and now I'm pregnant at sixteen. I can't have an abortion, that's like murder. Now I'm going to have a kid at seventeen. What have I done, Taylor?" She blinked hard, and I noticed her eyes were shimmering slightly. I leant over the table and hugged her, making her freeze in shock.

Yes, I don't hug much. Problem?

"It's okay, Sarah, everything will be fine. Trust me, it will all work out." Sarah raised her head to look at me with tear-filled eyes.

"Will it, Taylor?"

I nodded. "Of course it will, sweetie, of course it will."

She sniffed. "There's just one thing."

"Mmm hmm?"

"I haven't told Jason yet."

I stared at her. "You're kidding, right? You told me before the father of your child?" Sarah nodded, biting her lip like she did whenever she did something wrong. "We need to get him down here, right now. Stay here. I'll go find him." I literally bolted out of the kitchens in the general direction of the dungeons.

I should get an award. Taylor Zabini, expert comforter and fastest boyfriend-finder in Hogwarts.

That's right, people, it will happen.






By the time I got to the common room, I was sweating and panting. Real sexy, Taylor.

Of course, the first person I saw was Scorpius. Damn you, universe!

Scorpius stared at my shirt, which used to be a green tie-dyed tank, before my sweat turned it dark and made it stick to my chest. He coughed, looked up at my eyes, blushed, and stepped aside. I was blushing too, and almost crashed into him when I could finally move to go into the common room. Luckily for me, Jason was sitting on the couch. I clicked my fingers.

"Jason! Kitchens, now."

He scrambled to his feet and left the common room, staring at me weirdly. Taylor Zabini, boyfriend charmer.

Scratch that, it makes me sound like a home-wrecker.

I started the long walk back to the kitchens. Damn, why was it so far from the dungeons to the kitchens? It almost makes you wish you were in Hufflepuff.

I said almost. Don't push your luck, badger boys.

I finally arrived back at the portrait of the giggling pear ten minutes later, extremely out of breath. I tickled it and watched the doorway swing open. Why the fuck was a giggling pear the key to open the kitchens?

Seriously, there was a distinct lack of logic at this school.

I walked in and stopped dead in the doorway. A few house-elfs muttered at me but none of them actually said anything, and even if they did, I wouldn't have budged.

Sitting on the table was Sarah and Jason. Jason was holding Sarah protectively with his hands on her stomach and Sarah was...asleep. On the table, sitting up. I tip-toed in and looked at Jason. He had his eyes closed and was humming contentedly. I grabbed a pie, whispered instructions to a house-elf on how to wake them up if they didn't get out before curfew and crept out of the kitchens.






When I returned to the common room again, it was completely empty. Weird. Usually this place was a people-magnet right now, but the place was deserted. I shrugged, which was pointless with no-one to see me, and threw myself onto the couch. I grabbed a cushion and put it under my head, planning to lie here until either Jason and Sarah returned or when the dinosaurs came back.

They're not dead, just hibernating until someone decides they want a pet velociraptor. Probably me. You'd just ride it around everywhere and make it eat your enemies.

Goyle wouldn't stand a chance.

I settled my head into the cushion and put my hand next to me. Strange, there was something cold next to me. And scaly. Someone must have left their handbag on the couch. I stroked it gently, feeling the smoothness of the scales. It hissed at me, probably in pleasure, but maybe -

Hang on. Hissed?!?

I looked next to me. Coiled on the couch next to me was a huge snake, fangs bared. I looked at the black and yellow markings on its skin. Rule of thumb, the prettier it is, the more poisonous it is. I got off the couch slowly, but the snake slid onto the floor, eyeing off my feet. I swore, stepping back as slowly as I could, but the snake slithered forward. I glanced around to see if there was anyone around, and spoke.

"Stop, snake. Don't bite me."

It paused. "How do you speak my language?"

I sighed. "I am a Parselmouth, a person who can speak to snakes. Now, leave. Go far away. Don't bite anyone."

The snake glared at me and slithered away, probably to a dark corner in the common room. I breathed a sigh of relief and went up to my dorm room to collapse onto the bed.

I had just fallen asleep when there was a knock on the door. Dammit, I just wanted to go to fucking sleep!

I got up and pulled open the door. "For Merlin's sake, I want to fucking sleep, all right?" I would have continued with my rant if I had not noticed it was Scorpius standing at my door. It was then I realised I was only wearing a bra and undies, both of which were black and trimmed with red lace.

What? I like to feel like I'm prepared in case a knight ever rescues me and falls madly in love with me.

I can dream.

Scorpius raised a brow over my clothing but said nothing. I stood there while he tapped his foot. "What do you want?" He coughed. "Aren't you going to invite me in?" I frowned.

"Nope, you can stand in the doorway, as a punishment for waking me up."

Scorpius sighed and looked at the ground. "In that case, this can wait until morning. Night." He walked off, leaving me gaping at his retreating figure.

That prick, waking me up to tell me it could wait till morning! That twat, that pompous brat, that, that...Oh fuck it, I'm going to bed.

When I got back to my bed, however, there was an owl sitting on it, holding a letter. I grabbed it and shooed the owl out when I realised it didn't want a reply, only treats. I opened the letter and scanned it. Then, I read it again, a lot slower.

The letter read like this:

Hello, Zabini,

I witnessed a rather peculiar thing in the common room today. If you don't want me to tell the whole student body that you are a Parselmouth, come to the kitchens tomorrow at five o'clock in the afternoon.

Regards, X

Who the fuck was X? I didn't think anyone had seen me in the common room, and now someone knew one of my few secrets.

I put the letter on my table and went to sleep. I'd meet with this X and convince him not to tell anyone. If any of my secrets got out, I would be killed.

I had the feeling I'd need to hex someone.


Shock! Who is the mysterious X? Sarah is pregnant! And...Taylor is a Parselmouth! Tell me if you liked it and who you think X is in that amazing fanzapdoscious (that is a word now) box that magically sends everything you write to me!

Cheers, Phoenix Quill :D

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