The building's door seemed to weigh an extra fifty pounds heavier than it normally did. I didn't want to be here. I had managed to get out of bed, shower, and get dressed. I even managed to get here. The door finally opened and I stepped inside of the building. It felt like I hadn't been here in forever. I felt almost detached from it yet at the same time attached to the memories. Like when I would go home during Hogwarts, familiar but not the same. I really hadn't been away long. I was only gone just the weekend, like normal, and then one extra day. Yet so much had changed in those three days that if felt more like three years. I didn’t want to see Draco. I didn’t want to have to tell him of what exactly I found out this weekend.
I kept my eyes down as I tried to scurry into my office without being seen. Big mistake. I ran smack dab into the person I didn't want to.
“Hermione!” His face broke out in a huge smile. Then it faded and his beautiful blue eyes filled to the brim with concern. “Are you feeling better?” He was at my side at once.
“Yes Draco.” I forced a smile.
He saw right through my fake smile. He knew me too well, inside and out. Yet he didn't push it. I think he was worried of what I would say if he did. Instead he just asked about our plans. “Are we still doing lunch?” He looked hopeful.
“Of course” It was cute to see him want to spend time with me, even if I didn't want to have to deal with telling him I did want to see him. I missed him. I needed to be comforted by him. I gave him a genuine smile that seemed to help put him at ease. I was left feeling good after seeing him right now and I didn't want that ruined, it was best to leave now. “Sorry but 'll see you then. I really need to get started on the work I missed yesterday. You see why I hate missing days, I probably have three years worth of work waiting for me on my desk.” I joked, lightly touching his arm as I talk. Then I started walking toward my office.
He called from behind me, “Lunch we'll talk!” His voice was pained.
I spent the day attempting to catch up on the work I missed the day before. Most of the time I just couldn't concentrate. I kept reading and rereading the same lines over and over again to try to make them have meaning to me. But it hardly worked.
Normally Draco would have been in my office multiple times by now. I was actually a bit sad and happy at the same time that he didn't come in. He was giving me the space that I so desperately needed. Then again, I desperately needed his comforting arms around me.
This was a shot in the dark. I needed to talk. I approached the desk cautiously. I loved Loren and we were really good friend, but did I really want to talk to her about this? I'm sure she would understand...well maybe not understand but at least try to. I cleared my throat to get her attention and she looked up from scribbling on a piece of scrap paper. “You busy?”
“If I'm suppose to be then yes....” she answered cautiously then smiled. “But no, I'm not. Why, what's up?”
“Can I talk to you...in my office?” She seemed to understand that it was important. She looked scared that it was about her. “It's about me, not work related at all.” I tried to ease her worries. It must have worked because she smiled and followed me into my office without saying a word.
I spilled my guts. I just let it all out. I told her every little detail of what had happened. I told her of how Draco and I started seeing each other. How we spent a night together. How I enjoyed it. How we decided a to spend a month together. How he made me feel. Everything.
“Wow.” She looked at me awestruck. “Why didn't you tell me about this!? And Hey! I totally called dibs on him!” She laughed but then stopped once she saw how miserable and serious I was.
“There's more.” I said sadly. I should tell her about my pregnancy right? I mean she already knows so much. And I did need someone to talk to about how I actually felt about it. If I told anyone else that I wasn't thrilled for this baby they would think I was crazy. Honestly I just feel detached from it. It doesn't feel like this baby is mine, it's just a baby. Am I a terrible person? Am I going to be a terrible mother?
“Go on. You can tell me Hermione.” She smiled at me, she was being honest. I knew I could tell her.
“I may be...sorta...kind of...pregnant.” I stuttered and muttered through that difficult sentence.
“What?!” She jumped up from the chair. “You're kidding! No way!” She was shocked, complete and utter surprise spread across her face.
“Unfortunately no. I'm not.” I mumbled and shrank down in my chair.
She sat back down. She still seemed shocked but something else washed over her face now, curiosity."So uhh...if you slept with the both of them...who's the father?" She asked awkwardly. It was kind of a weird thing to have to be asking. I felt like a whore.
"Ron." I said quickly.
She seemed like she didn't believe this. "Are you positive?" She asked skeptically.
"Yeah, I did the math again and again. I'm about 7 weeks right now and I didn't have sex with Draco until about 5 weeks ago. So that's not possible, he can't be the father." I really had done the math way too many times. I was very positive that Ron was this baby's father, he had to be. There was no other way.
"And how do you feel about that? Okay I did not mean to sound like a therapist there. But is it a good or bad thing that he's the father and not Draco?" She shifted.
Bad. No wait, good. Maybe. "I don't know. I mean I guess it makes my choice easier."
"What do you mean?" she asked, having this confused look on her face.
"Well...I can't keep seeing them both. I need to pick one to be with and I was having such a hard time. Ron's my fiancé but I just can't get Draco out of my head. And I look forward to seeing him everyday, I can't wait to be in his arms. He makes me feel on top of the world. " I smiled fondly as I thought about the wonderful times we had spent together.
"Sounds like you should be with him. " She shrugged.
A soft knock at my door brought me back to reality. I had spent the last 20 minutes off lost in my own little world. Draco. The one who was just plaguing my brain. Oh what would I tell him?
I went to the door and walked out to him. I forced a smile on my face. “Ready to go? You can pick wherever.”
“Are you sure? You can pick. I don't mind, I just want to talk to you.” He mumbled. We must have both felt the change between us. He must have known who I chose.
I remembered then that I couldn't aparate,being pregnant. I would have to walk. Ugh, it would have to be someplace close. “Actually, could I choose? I'd love to go to that little cafe a block over.” I smiled at him sweetly.
“Sounds great.” He smiled weakly at me.
We were quiet as we walked, it wasn't a far or long walk but it felt like it took forever. When we finally were seating nothing changed, we were still awkwardly quiet. We ordered our food
“I've missed you.” He admitted softly. It was just a whisper, I barely even heard it. It made my heart hurt for him. I wanted to get up and leave, I didn't want to hurt him anymore. I felt like a terrible person. Hell, I was a terrible person.
“It's only been a day” I tried to smile at him. “We've gone longer.”
“It felt like much longer than a day Hermione.” He still talked in that sad low voice. He didn't think I would pick him. I knew that. He didn't believe that I would leave Ron for him. He didn't see his true worth, not like I did.
I nodded. “It really did. The last month we spent together was...” I trailed off trying to find the perfect word. Ah, that's it. “Perfect. It was perfect.”
“It really was.” He actually smiled at me. It looked like he was remembering something, most likely something from our month. I smiled back at him.
I took a deep breath. It's now or never. Right? “So...I'm sure you're wondering who I've chosen. “ He nodded slowly. “But before that...I have to tell you something else.” He waited for me to go on, even though it was obvious that I didn't want to. I could see him getting nervous. “This last month was perfect...but the next 9 months are going to be less than perfect.” I saw a confused look cross his face. He was trying to figure out my meaning. Of all the people I had to tell this was the hardest. Most others had been excited and happy about this. I knew Draco wouldn't be, it was obvious as to why that is. This may just kill him. My poor Draco, what was I doing to him? I wanted to back out now, but I knew I had to go on. I knew I had to answer his confused questions. “I wasn't sick. I'm pregnant.”
My face fell. It had felt like a bucket of ice cold water had just been dumped on me. I stared at her, wide eyed and horrified. Pregnant?
"Please say something." She said quietly, not looking me in the eyes. She looked...ashamed of herself.
I kept gaping at her. I probably looked like I was having a stroke. Finally my brain kicked in and I could speak. "I'm sorry...I'm just shocked. I just...I don't know how to respond." I stumbled vocally.
"I know" She gave me a half ass smile. "I felt the same way when I found out."
I needed to know something else. She could tell I was"Is....is it mine?" I asked awkwardly. It could be. What would I do if it was? We just had this conversation I didn't want kids. But...
"Oh...no. It's not yours. I thought about that too, but I did the math and it happened before we started anything." She gave me a sad smile. Was she happy that it wasn't mine? Was I happy about that fact? I wasn't sure. I wasn't ready for a child...but I knew what this meant. She wasn't picking me. She was picking Ron. The sudden realization hit me like I had been punched in the gut, knocking the wind out of me.
“You're not picking me.” I stated bluntly. I knew she could hear the pain in my voice but I tried to mask it by talking more monotone.
She looked at me wide eyed. “I'm so sorry...” She trailed off. “It's his baby...you have to understand...” she pleaded with me.
I shrugged, trying to play it off like it was no big deal. “Yeah, I figured you would pick him anyway. Now you just have the reason to.”
“Draco...” She started but never finished. We looked at each other than away.
I wanted to flee. I didn't want to sit here and be told that she didn't want me. I was stupid to have thought that she would ever leave him. They were engaged. Now they were even expecting a baby. It was done. It was over.
She sighed, long and slow. She looked up into my eyes but then quickly looked away. "Want to hear the worst part?" "
I shrugged. "I don't know, do I?" I asked. Things were already pretty bad, could it get worse? She shook her head slowly, signaling that I wouldn’t want to know. But I had to. "Tell me...please?"
She looked up at me with her sad eyes. "I wanted to be with you. I was going to choose you."