Chapter 1 : (1)
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All that I have is on the floor
Everyone thinks the war has ended, but for my family it has just begun. Except this time, we aren’t fighting something visible. Grief is an unfair fighter; it knows all your weaknesses. How are we supposed to carry on? All around I see people celebrating, but not joyously, there is an aggressive edge to their voices, like they are trying to fill in the gaps left by the dead with shouts, like they are trying to scream for two people. Fred has no one to fill in his space, nobody to scream for him. The hole in our family unit is blatantly obvious. You are the reason that cavity is there.
God only knows what we are fighting for
All that I say, you always say more
You were always a marked target, a dead man walking, yet everybody still tried to save you. For once, the Slytherins were right. We should have all scarpered and left you at it, that would have been the sensible thing to do. But, of course, we Gryffindor’s lead with our hearts, not our heads, and of course, I had to be stupid enough to fall for you. But you broke my heart, shattered it into a million pieces. Ron swore he would smash your face in if you ever hurt me, but he was taken in by you too. We all were. Mom, Dad, Bill, Charlie, Fred and George. Percy was the only sensible one, but you managed to infect his mind as well. You are like a poisonous gas, you engulf everything and everyone in your path, making everything unclear and hazy, so we walk deeper into your cloud. At first, you seem fluffy, friendly, and harmless. But then the poison hits your lungs, and suddenly you can’t breathe. You took my oxygen away Harry, and I don’t know how to get it back.
I can’t keep up with your turning tables
Under your thumb, I can’t breath
You have always had the upper hand; I’ve always been at your mercy. I loved you more, still do. If you truly loved me the way I love you, you wouldn’t have done this. You wouldn’t have left. You would have stayed with me, or taken me with you. You wouldn’t have let me fend for myself. I thought you cared, I convinced myself of that in August, almost a year ago now. But now I see that whoever you care about, it certainly isn’t me. If you truly love me, you would have saved me, like you have always done before. But you didn’t save me, and now grief has consumed me.
So I won’t let you close enough to hurt me
No, I won’t ask you, you to just desert me
I have to be strong, resilient. I can’t let you back in. Once burned, shame on you, twice burned shame on me. I will never be abandoned again, and I will never put myself at the benevolence of another human being ever again. I must build up the walls around my heart, and make them tall and strong enough so you can never enter into the kingdom of my heart ever again. My kingdom is in ruins because of you, the buildings burned down, the castle destroyed. I must reconstruct them by myself; you can no longer be the pillar of my city.
I can’t give you what you think you gave me
It’s time to say goodbye to turning tables, to turning tables
You think you gave me your heart, but you didn’t. And because o f that, I can never give you mine again. My heart is fragile, some fragments are missing. One has gone with Fred, and another resides with you. I know you will come looking for the rest, but I am afraid if I hand it over, that the ropes will snap, and I will lose total control again, and for the sake of my family, that can never happen again. I have to be strong, so the others can break down freely.
Under haunted skies I see
Where love is lost, you ghost is seen
The sky above Hogwarts has never looked so menacing, I look through the Main Door, and see the green haze floating like sinister clouds along the black night. Mounds are dotted here and there all along the grounds. Dead bodies. Deaths that were caused by you. Your presence hovers over the castle, like a smothering blanket, much more frightening than any other, because the thing that we are fighting for, is killing us.
I’ve braved a hundred storms to leave you
As hard as you try, no I will never be knocked down
An inner war rages inside of me. A little piece of myself tells me to listen to my heart, but that organ stopped the minute Fred’s did. It’s strange that I am still alive, that it still beats, yet I am not living. I am just stuck in this hell on earth. And I don’t have you to help me out. I can’t let you help me. Every time I let you help me, the harder I fall when you let me down.
Next time I’ll be braver, I’ll be my own saviour
With the thumb that cost me
I don’t know why I was put in Gryffindor. I’m not brave. I’ve only ever fought for you, or to be with you. Everything I have done since I was eleven has been for you, whether you knew it or not. But you can no longer be my knight in shining armour; I have to learn to protect myself.
Next time I’ll be braver, I’ll be my own saviour
Standing on my own two feet
The silence is deafening, I felt people pushing and shoving, I felt myself being herded onto the grounds, and I don’t know why. The faces around me look panic stricken, I can see my mother and father running faster than I have ever seen them. I sprint after them, worried another one of my family members are dead, when I see it. The black shroud of cloaks advancing fast towards us, Hagrid sticking out like a sore thumb in the middle. He is carrying something, a person. I peer at the face, trying to distinguish who it is.
The ropes snap, and the pieces of my heart zoom like invisible darts towards the body. I know that there will be no salvaging it this time. It is gone. I have to follow through on my promises; I must now be my own saviour, because now you are truly gone. I thought earlier that this would make me happy, to see you pay for all the lives you cost, but now I see that even with you paying your dues, it still tears me to shreds. This does not fill Fred’s gap, or make it seem any smaller, this just creates a new, even bigger chasm that stretches not only across my family unit, but the world. I feel myself scream out, but it sounds like I am under water, nothing else matters in this moment but you, and you are gone.
I have let you close enough to hurt me
I have asked you and now you have deserted me
I give you what I now know you had all along
I don’t want to say goodbye
To turning tables*
*This actually isn't part of the song, but it fitted better :)
My first attempt at a song-fic and I think it went pretty well :)