Today the world ends and there is nothing, nothing he can do about it. He sits there alone in a one bedroom flat with bottles of firewhisky piled up against the side of the only arm chair in the room. The walls are dark and match the carpet for the dank green colour that would never be seen dead on even the most colour-blind person’s wall but then again he doesn’t think about that, he never has thought about that.
It is her he thinks about. Always her. He sits in the dark drinking, trying to drown the sorrow of losing the only person he has ever loved to another man. A man who she is going to marry today. There is only so much he can do to get the pain from his heart. The pain of losing Lily and the pain of losing her to the one that gave him so much heartache when he was at school.
James Potter. It has always been James Potter; wooing her and seducing her and making her love him when he isn’t the one she is supposed to love.
Severus loves her more than James Potter ever can and as he downs the last drop of firewhisky it is this he thinks over and over in his head. Over and over until the picture of Lily walking down the aisle towards the man he hates changes to the image of her walking down the aisle towards Severus. Her beautiful red hair caught up in a while veil and the wedding dress shaping the figure of her body flowing out at her feet and James Potter sitting in the background watching as the woman he loves marry another man.
But no, he only has that image in his head to get him through the rest of the day, a day that is shattering every single part of his soul and will continue to until he is nothing but a shell.
“Lily should not be marrying James,” he says out loud to no one in particular.
Why, the niggle in the back of his head whispers.
“Because she deserves to be with me,” he spits back to the darkness.
She loves him, the voice says calmly.
Severus tries to block out the voice but it is no use the words just come back to him, more heart-breaking and devastating then ever.
She loves him.
“He is wrong for her,” Severus replies.
Why, the voice snaps getting irritated.
“They are poison, he is poison,” Severus cries standing up and throwing the empty bottle at the wall.
It catches the edge of the curtain and a sharp stab of sunlight hits Severus’s face and lights up the pallid complexion. It lasts all of a second but the sunlight has burst the small niggle in his brain to an open wide river of doubts and questions.
He makes her happy, you know that don’t you? He gives her everything she has ever wanted.
“Yes, I know that,” he snaps.
There is nothing wrong with James Potter, James Potter is a good man, James Potter saved your life, James Potter can look after Lily in a way that you can’t, the voice screams.
Severus sinks down to the floor and grabs another bottle from next to the chair. He takes a big swig and lets his head fall against the wall; half hoping that it will knock him out so he would not have to endure the front page extravaganza of a wedding photo the next morning. A wedding photo that should have him in it and not a cocky git instead.
“James Potter is a swine and Lily Evans deserves better.”
Is better a death eater who bows to a Dark Lord? Is better a man who will do what another says no matter what it means? Is better you Severus Snape?
“Yes…no…I don’t know,” he cries.
You are not better, how could you be better than James Potter. You have no life.
No your life is lived by a Dark Lord who would kill you without a second look. Is that the life you would give Lily Evans? Is that a better life than James Potter can give her? Always running, always scared, always afraid of death because you deserted a killer for a muggleborn. Is better really you Severus Snape?
“No,” he shouts to the air, “I might not be me but better is someone who doesn’t break others down until they have nothing left.”
He has changed, you know he has changed.
“They shouldn’t be getting married,” Severus’s voice cracks and he takes another swig of firewhisky.
It is well and truly in his system now, he is feeling dizzy and weak and all he wants is to rush to the church and stop the wedding because Lily Evans is making the biggest mistake of her life and marrying James Potter. She is marrying James Potter right now as he sits and drinks and clutches a childhood photo that was taken before she turned her back on her best friend.
He loves her more than you do.
She loves him more than she ever loved you.
Even if you went over there you wouldn't stop them from getting married; they would throw you out like dirt on the street because to them you are nothing.
He deserves her and you don’t. He protects her.
You aren’t fit to wipe the mud of her shoes.
James is ten times the man you will ever be.
James and Lily belong together.
The full bottle smashes against the wall and Severus lets his head fall into his hands as sobs break through his body. James Potter does not deserve Lily Evans and Lily Evans can do so much better than James Potter. She can. She is beautiful and talented and smart and funny and sweet and compassionate. Everything that that bully is not.
Lily Evans deserves only the best and the best is not the man she is marrying. But who, who is truly the best for Lily?
It most certainly isn’t James Potter.
Today the world ends because today Severus Snape finally realises that he is not the best for Lily Evans either.
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