Chapter 17 : Blame
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amazing CI by BitterHeart
Right I’m coming out, I’m telling my family about why Ted tonks died. Its my fault and I’m going to take the blame. Everyday my dad has send a letter ensuring me that Andromeda is fine because I’ve been badgering them with letters asking if she’s ok. I can tell their lying just to make me feel alright and stop me from panicking, but they have no idea why I’m so worried.
Fifteen days I’ve been up in my dorm blaming myself, I think if I tell people then they’ll either give me the yelling at I deserve or forgive me and I might be able to forgive myself.
I’m twisting the letter I’m about to send in my hands, I can feel my hands shaking and my head spinning. The feeling off guilt swimming through me. I’ve only come out of my room during school, the rest of the time I lock myself up here. Neville’s been kind enough to leave food at the bottom of the girls dormitories and hasn’t badgered me about anything or asking me why I’m so depressed, its probably because he’s to occupied with Hannah to even notice even during the short time I’m out of this stupid room I’ve seen their relationship grow and I feel happy for them and I like Hannah, she’s kind, smart and brave something that Neville deserves (even though I’d prefer it if it was Luna)
Anyway back onto the letter. I wasn’t really sure how to put in words that I killed a family friend (not literally) so I just wrote down the truth in what happened, when and how and why they went after them… at least I can get some peace at mind.
Dad, mum and family
I need to tell you something. Its important and has been making me feel guilty over the past few days. Anyway you’ll all probably end up hating me after you’ve finished reading this letter so if you don’t reply and I refuse me to come home for Easter I understand.
About two weeks ago I disrupted dark arts class, I’ve been doing it for quite awhile actually trying to stand up to the Carrows and I know it was a stupid thing to do but I felt like I couldn’t sit back and just let them take over the school when there are so many of us that won’t stand for it, me being one of them. They got fed up with me and Neville and Hannah for doing it and went after our family members. Neville’s gran, Hannah’s dad and as you guys were all protected too much they went after Tonk’s family… so its my fault that Ted Tonks is dead and that Andromeda was under the torture curse, I’m so sorry. Its all my fault and I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I don’t know what too do now and I know you probably are all really mad and if I’d known this was going to be the consequence I wouldn’t have done it I promise.
That was it… was it too short? Did it make me seem like I wasn’t sorry at all? Because I was, I truly was. For the first time since I was about five and my Uncle Billius died I cried myself to sleep, it was when I found out about Tonks and her family that I did so. I jus can’t believe what I’ve done, I’m in shock… angry at the death eaters, petrified because of what I’ve done, guilty because its my fault and devastated that someone actually died because of it.
I don’t even know what happened to Neville’s gran or Hannah’s dad because I’ve been so stuck up in my own problems that I never even asked. I know I’m a really bad friend but I don’t know what to do about it… I can’t think of anything else but Andromeda and ted. Its all my fault
Man my life is screwed up.
I just have to wait until my dad/mum’s daily letter gets here before I reply back with the letter that I am now scrunching up in my hands without even realising it. I’m just seriously nervous, I could be shaking right now if I allowed myself too but I’m stronger than this and I know I am.
I didn’t really know Andromeda and Ted, I know mum knew them but it kills me too know a life was taken because of me… its my fault that someone is dead right now, its my fault that someone doesn’t have a father or a husband to cry with during this war.
A knocking sound enters my thoughts.
In confusion I open my eyes to realise that the knocking was real and that a small owl was knocking on my window with its beak with a letter that looks larger than the actual owl attached to its feet. It looks excited and eager, I thought it was just going to bang into the window because it was too hypered up to wait for someone to open it for him.
I love Pigwidgeon (or as I call him, Pig) he’s probably the most cutest owl I have ever met, he’s small, loud and excited which I think is adorable.
He at least manages to bring a smile to my face.
“Hey there pig, have you missed me?” I smile at him opening the window allowing pig to enter.
It was the first letter sent that he got to me, usually mum uses Errol, although I’m sure his last attempt at passing on a letter probably frightened him to never do it again (he hit my bed post, when I first saw it happening I thought he was dead but no sooner did he hit it did he get up again, I almost feel as though he’s immune to getting hurt by hard solid objects)
Pig of course loves me, it was due to me that he got his fantastic name (much to Ron’s dismay) I don’t even know why Ron keeps him, the bird bloody annoys him… I end up using pig more than he does half the time!
I rip the letter open as soon as I can get pig to stay still enough so I can get hold of the letter.
Me and your father have noticed that you’ve been very interested about Andromeda and Ted so we thought we’d update you with what your father has been able to find out by doing a little bit of snooping and (don’t tell your brothers) by using extendable ears. I can’t write much as I know this letter will be read through first but as your so interested we thought you ought to know. We just found out that Ted tonks was being hunted for ages, I didn’t even realise that he’d gone on the run because of being a muggle-born. I thought that Ted had stayed at home with Andromeda. The funny thing was that Andromeda was being tortured at exactly as the same time as Ted was being killed. It was only when Remus came in and got Andromeda out of their before they did anything else. Your father found out that they’ve been aiming at them for months now, they’ve just been figuring out a way to get through the house enchantments and to find out where Ted Tonks was hiding. It’s a sick way to kill someone just because of what they have in their blood. I find it horrifying. I suppose were not better of than them being blood-traitors. I sometimes worry about sending you off to Hogwarts and perhaps think its best that Ron went of this year with Harry, at least he’s out of the way during this war.
I suppose you’ve heard all about Augusta Longbottom, you know your friends Gran. She was ambushed not to long ago actually and managed to escape without a scratch on her, from what I can tell you put up a good fight… I used to know her and I can tell you that you should never cross her when it comes to duels, I guess the death eaters should realise age doesn’t matter at all when it comes to magic
Love mum xx
What? They were being hunted for months! That doesn’t even make sense if they were being hunted for months then surly it wasn’t my thought that Ted died because they started hunting them after I got into trouble.
This doesn’t make any sense to me what so ever
I re-read the letter over and over again making sure that every single word I read was real and it wasn’t just my eyes seeing things that I shouldn’t.
They’ve been aiming at them for months now the same words repeating and repeating in my head over and over again, just the same words continuously. I traced them over with my hands praying that they were true. Selfish? I know, I shouldn’t be praying that someone was being hunted for months… anyway I wasn’t praying for that, I was praying to ensure that I wasn’t the one who did it… if the words were true then nothing was my fault.
I felt like I’d just been let of on a prison sentence, and that a pressure that had been weighing on my shoulders was released.
And Neville’s gran was fine which was a relief when I thought about it, I didn’t even realise I’d been worried about that as well but apparently I have been.
Pig was sitting on my shoulders also reading the letter which I find extremely weird for a owl that I thought couldn’t read, or perhaps he’s just doing it because he’s bored… after all I had cleared out all the owl food, I just can’t be bothered any more to buy owl food as I don’t get many owls anyway so really what’s the point it’s a waste of money and time in buying them… ok I’ll stop moaning now.
My letter is still clutched in my hand, I can’t believe I worried so much about it… it seems so silly now that I know the truth. The Carrows were trying to make me feel guilty to put the blame onto my, add more worry in my head… and the thing that I’m ashamed about is I did fall for it, I worried to the point where I wouldn’t leave the girls dormitories. They got to me, I showed them my weak side and now I’m more ashamed than ever. Embarrassed is the word to explain it.
Pig still waiting on my shoulder even though I’ve creased the letter up and closed it which obviously shows he wasn’t reading it but instead waiting on my cool.
Then I remember the letter in my hand. I hold in up which makes Pig extremely excited and starts jumping on my shoulder (it hurt) I had to quickly move my hand in fear of him taking it and rip it up. As soon as Pigwidgeon realised what I’d done the jumping stopped and he went straight to the window, forgot that I’d shut it after him and banged right into it.
He’s been watching Errol to much I tell you!
I would have laughed if it wasn’t for the fact that the owl could be dead and when Ron gets back I know he’d never forgive me, so I really do have to check on him because I’d be evil if I didn’t.
He was fine but as soon as he was up he started pecking at me too open the window… I do not want to get pecked to death and I just about manage to open it before my fingers get bitten off my the annoying little bugger.
I watch him as he glides out of the window and soars through the air. Damn I think I just ruined my chance of being Pigwidgeon favourite person, oh well there’s always Hermes (or not- that owls taken after Percy I’m sure of it)
I’m too dumbstruck now to speak
“So it wasn’t your fault?” Hannah asked eagerly listening intently. It kind of annoys me how she’s involved in this conversation, I started out talking to Neville now she’s involved. Not that I mind but she could have asked to join the conversation rather than but in like that.
“No it wasn’t they were just trying to make me feel guilty to make me stop”
Neville thought for a moment “I don’t know how they thought they were going to get away with it, surly they realised you’d find out eventually”
“I don’t know, maybe they thought I was stupid or something- but I truly thought it was my fault” I admitted feeling embarrassed again “So what happened with your dad Hannah?”
A smile played onto Hannah’s face, but she just shrugged like it was no big deal but you could see she was happy about it “They never found him, he’s been communicating with me using his patronus… every night he sends one at about ten. Its great too know he’s ok”
“So its good then, no one got hurt because of us” Neville exclaimed throwing down the rest of his drink.
“People did get hurt, Andromeda and Ted… Although it wasn’t our faults someone still died” I cried out, feeling extremely sad again, I just felt like I was still to blame, even though I’d been told in words that it wasn’t me I still felt like it was to good to be true.
There was silence until Hannah interrupted it trying to change the subject, I’ve noticed over the past few weeks that she’s pretty good at changing the subject “Did you know I got a O in care of magical creatures in my homework this week. I’ve never gotten a O ever before. We had to do it on unicorns it was really cool. Nev, aren’t we going to the valentines thing in hogsmeade with me, you know madam puddifoot?” She changed the subject drastically. I’m sure that girl could talk for days if she had to.
Pfft! Madam puddifoot, quite typical really. I know I’ve decided I like Hannah and everything but she still gets on my bloody nerves on how girly she actually is. I don’t even understand why she does Care of magical creatures, all she bloody does is yelp and cry out because her fingernails are getting too dirty.
“Actually I can’t, me and Ginny have been banned from all hogsmeade trips because of the sword incident” Neville frowned sipping his tea while reading the daily prophet for the latest lies.
“Oh damn it, I was so looking forward to it. Oh well I guess I’ll just have to miss the hogsmeade trip and spend it with you too” Hannah giggled clinging onto Neville’s arm playfully
“Oh no please don’t on our accounts” I cried out, I don’t want to spend a whole day with her, I like her but not that much.
She actually in a strange way reminds me of Luna, just without the unusual sounding voice and Hannah’s a tad bit more giggly that Luna ever was. But other than that their practically the same person, excluding the looks and Luna’s weirdness.
“Nah, I don’t have many friends to go with. Me and Susan have been arguing quite a bit recently and anyway she and Ernie will be going together and Ernie sometimes really annoys me, he thinks I was the one who stole his lot of extendable ears… I don’t know why. He’s always jumping to conclusions especially when it concerns me!” Hannah moaned, I could see she was feeling a bit low and upset so I said no more on the matter… I guess I was spending Valentines day with Hannah and Neville, I just hope there will be no kissing on their part.
“…So I called him up on it and told him that he should shut his big fat mouth” Hannah exclaimed telling us stories on funny part of her life, she’s hilarious I have to admit I don’t think I’ve ever laughed this much in my life.
“I’m sorry I just can’t imagine you saying that to someone” I pointed out popping in another cockroach cluster into my mouth.
“I really did!”
“Hey, I’ve never been able to eat one of those, as soon as I get it onto my mouth I end up feeling sick… I’m allergic” Neville announced holding up some acid pops.
“Oh your not allergic, that’s the natural feeling when you first try it… here I can suck on one for hours if I had to” Hannah ordered pointing at the lollypop, truth be told I’d never been able to have a full one before, the hole in my tongue ends up getting too big and I can’t suck anymore.
Neville threw it over at her and I just can’t wait to see what her face will be like as soon as she puts it into her mouth… it really does burn.
She opened it up and almost chucked it into her mouth. No reaction… how she does that I’ll have no idea, I guess she can just hold in pain, because it truly does burn your tongue.
“How? How Hannah, that’s like impossible!”
Then her face turned twisted and I could sense her tongue burning up. Suddenly she pulled the sweet back out of her mouth and me and Neville burst out laughing so much I ended up hiccupping.
“Eugh! I’ve always been able to do it before… I think it was just pressure from you guys” Hannah Roared but giggling at the same time.
I don’t think I’ve ever had this much fun before (well this year). Hannah was so funny to be around, I found myself getting more attatched to her everyday that went past, I almost felt guilty about forgetting Luna (not that I ever forgot her- it just feels like I am).
My mind had completely wondered off the topic off the war today, Harry, and the Tonks family. Today it was finally right again, no worrying or tears or tantrums… it was normal. I had Hannah to thank for that and I couldn’t be more grateful.
A/N hello there! I didn't actually want the death of Ted Tonks to be Ginny's fault so i had to put this up... thank you ever so much for reading, i want to say thank you to all my faithful reviewers and especially worship the nargles, who has stuck with this story since the beginning, it means a lot.
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