Chapter 16 : Don't deceive me
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“I’ve become so numb I can’t feel you here, become so tired so much more aware” Numb –Linkin Park.
I honestly don’t know how this has happened. My blow was cushioned by the fact that the dorm was completed and that Mimi and Lola were cheering us up. But, I feel like everything that happened yesterday, all of my emotions have just been heightened. The horrifying feeling I got when I saw that picture of Amos, how my heart sank. Not because I liked him so much that I felt ultimate betrayal, but because I felt used, dirty, worthless. After that, finding Amos and hearing his confusion at the situation. I felt no sympathy, in fact I wanted to punch him in the face for not knowing what was going on and not giving me a proper explanation apart from, “I don’t know what this is, and I wouldn’t cheat on you.”
Then at dinner, when Lily found out that James and Sirius were in fact the ones who planted the pictures, I felt the betrayal that I should have felt when I looked at the picture. I looked at Sirius and he wasn’t denying Lily’s accusations. They couldn’t possibly be the ones? They couldn’t be so heartless and selfish? Could they? Yes, is the answer. They could. The fact that he actually wanted me to forgive him, there and then in the broom closet. I hated him for standing there and smirking at me for not being able to make him move, his marauder smirk that I hated but loved so much at the same time. Why was he doing this to me? I tried to understand. He said they were desperate, but don’t they understand? They got girlfriends first, they started this. It never had to be like this. Are all boys so bloody clueless about everything?
And then to top it all off, they’ve hurt two innocent people who never had to be brought into this confusing situation. Correction: Four. Weren’t Mya and Katy used just the same as Owen and Amos. This game that we’re playing, I just want it to end. Why can’t it just be simple, I like you, you like me, let’s date kind of simple. People just want to play fucking games all the time and I can tell you this, right now, that I am tired of games. This stopped being a game to me the minute I walked out of that broom closet. Yes, it was fun making them jealous but I never envisioned ever having to make him jealous. We just ended up together and there were no games in my day dreams. No jealousy wars and certainly no doctored pictures.
I looked up at the canopy of my four-poster bed and sighed.
“That’s it! I know you’re awake!” Mimi’s shrill voice rang through the dorm as she yanked open the hangings around my bed. I shielded my eyes from the bright Sunday morning sun streaming in through the large, wide window.
“I heard your sigh, stop thinking about Sirius, you’ve been awake an hour no doubt pondering on useless things, now get up!” said Mimi, pulling me up out of bed and towards the bathroom.
“Alright mum,” I muttered as I closed the bathroom door.
“I have ears like a mum too,” Mimi shouted back at me.
I chuckled as I heard Mimi attempting to wake Lily. She wasn’t making much progress, because if Lily wanted to brood, she would brood and no one was stopping her. She would probably stay in bed till midday.
I needed a shower, not that I was leaving the dorm today. Or ever.
Well, until Potions on Monday.
I strolled out of the shower with a towel around me and opened my wardrobe.
“I might just stay in pyjamas today,” I said, to nobody in particular.
“Why?” asked Mimi, while walking around Lily’s bed, which had it’s hangings firmly shit.
“I’m not leaving the dorm today,” I said, simply, before taking my pyjamas and returning to the bathroom before Mimi could protest.
“Right, Lily Evans, you have to get out of bed, NOW!”
I don’t know what happened, but I heard Lily scream and a lot of grunts and squeals before a loud thump.
“What’s happened?” I asked as I went over to the window sill to get a purple sparkly nail polish.
“She wrestled me!” hissed Lily, her hair sticking up at odd angles.
I laughed “you know Mims, she won’t let you stay in bed all day, ever.”
Lily said nothing but gave Mimi her worst glare and stalked towards the bathroom.
“So where’s Lola,” I asked, sitting on my bed starting to paint my nails.
“She’s having breakfast with Carter and his friends, he wanted to introduce her,” said Mimi, coming over and sitting on my bed.
“Oh wow, so they’re really into each other?” I asked.
“I think so, she really likes him,” said Mimi as Lily walked out of the bathroom and over to her wardrobe.
“I’m staying in pyjamas too,” she said, and her tone said that she wasn’t being talked out of it.
“You’re going down to breakfast in pyjamas?” asked Mimi, raising her eyebrows.
“No,” I said “I’m not going down to breakfast.”
“C’mon, please. I know you don’t want to run into them but I’m hungry!”
I looked at Lily and she shrugged, which probably meant she was hungry.
“Fine,” I said, putting the lid back on the nail polish and going over to my wardrobe.
I got out a large, woolly jumper that my grandfather gave to me and put it on.
“Mimi, that’s going to take ages to eat. I thought we agreed on in and out,” I said as she put sausages, eggs, bacon and toast onto her plate.
“Oh come on! It’s Sunday breakfast, it’s always the best.”
I couldn’t contradict that, so I just filled up my plate the same as Mimi, admitting defeat and realised we weren’t getting out of here until Mimi was done eating so I might as well eat too.
“Lils, why aren’t you eating?” asked Mimi, cutting up her bacon.
“I can’t, I get this sickening feeling every time I think about James being so manipulative and actually doing something like this,” she said, pushing away her plate.
Mimi just took a few toasts of the rack and buttered them, then put them on Lily’s plate then pushed it back towards her.
“I know you’re hungry and hurting, so take one of the pains away,” she said.
At that moment, Remus swiftly sat down beside Mimi and kissed her on the cheek.
“Good morning,” she said, smiling at him.
“Hey everyone, alright?” he said, to the rest of us.
“I hope the rest of you aren’t joining us,” I said, nastily. I knew it wasn’t Remus’ fault, but he was the only marauder here.
“Look, Jem. I’m not saying you should forgive them, just think about why they did it, OK?” he said, before taking a piece of toast and buttering it.
“Oh god, here come the others,” muttered Lily, looking firmly down at her toast.
Before I had time to look around, James and Sirius had taken seats either side of me. Peter on the other side of Lily.
“Hey,” said Sirius, hesitant about whether or not he should start conversation.
“Hey,” I said, not looking at him but at my plate, which was filled with things I suddenly didn’t want to eat.
“Morning Lily,” said James, hopefully.
“Hey guys, saw you guys come in and thought I’d come over and say hi even though I’ve eaten breakfast,” said Lola, coming over to greet us.
“Why did you do it?” came Lily’s hostile voice, completely ignoring Lola. “What made you do such a horrible thing?”
“And now I’m leaving,” said Lola on an undertone to the rest of us before turning on her heel and practically running back over to Carter.
“Err, well Lily--” started James, taken aback by Lily’s sudden outburst.
“Why? That’s all I want to know. Why plan something like this? It’s disgusting and just selfish. Why do you always have plans?” she was standing up at this point, glaring at James across the table. “Why didn’t you just talk to us, like normal people?” she turned to Sirius who visibly inched away from her in his seat, scared.
“Why not just explain, that this had all gone too far? Why do you always have to plan things? If you haven’t noticed, your plans don’t always work out too well, not too well put together in my opinion. The latest master plans haven’t worked, backfired more like, isn’t it?”
People were turning in their seats to watch what was going on. Whispering excitedly to their neighbours, this was what made good gossip. Watch Hogwarts go wild.
“The jealousy plan- ha!” Lily gave a high pitched laugh, “That didn’t work out, you got girlfriends to make us jealous, and that we did, the first phase worked. What you didn’t see is that we would get boyfriends, backfired! The plan in the three broomsticks, that stupid game, we still won. And now this, a stupid doctored photo. So many flaws in the plan, boys, how could you not pick up on it?”
“Lily,” I started, attempting to calm her down “Let’s just go.”
“No!” she practically screamed at me, tears streaming down her face. “I’m not even mad about you doing this,” she said to James and turning to Sirius “It’s just the fact that it all could have been avoided if you had just talked to us. But that, is a concept that is lost to you, isn’t it? You just have plans. Useless, horrible, selfish, manipulative plans.”
Right, I need to sort this out.
I’m writing to my mum, she always knows what to do.
Dear mum, (and dad)
I’m fine, sorry it’s such a late reply to your letter but a lots been going on, and I’m about to unleash it all on you.
You know Sirius Black right? The one who lives at the Potter’s now, you saw him over Christmas. Well, I don’t really know what’s going on but before Christmas some things happened between us but it was put behind us. We agreed to be friends. I was still getting over Matheus, as you know I was over by Christmas when we had the conversation.
At the New Year’s party at the Potter’s, we kind of kissed at midnight. All that you have to have a new year’s kiss and stuff, so we did but he was sort of confused. I thought it felt right and I finally realised I had feelings for him but he and James got girlfriends as soon as we got back to Hogwarts. I told you about the whole James and Lily fiasco, right?
So Hogsmeade is arriving and me and Lily get dates seeing as they had girlfriends. Every things fine until we get to the Three Broomsticks. Mum, it was like a jealousy war like no other. It was horrible, and I know you’re going to ask to I’ll tell you, Lily and I won (obviously). But that’s not the point, I didn’t want to win. I didn’t want a jealousy war.
So after that, I guess they put doctored photos of them cheating on us in our dorm and we found out it was them.
Mum, I don’t know what to do. I feel betrayed, like the boy I really like has just manipulated me into thinking something just so he can be with me. It’s horrible that they would hurt so many people with a stupid plan, and I don’t know what to do. If I should forgive them, or just let it go. Let him go. I mean, it’s always going to be hard, but I don’t know if it should be like this. If he really liked me, wouldn’t he have just told me? Why think up a plan that would hurt me? I really really like him though Mum, I’m so confused.
I’m doing fine, school wise. Homeworks keeping me busy when worrying about Sirius isn’t.
Mimi, Lola and Lily send their love and Lily wants me to tell you to reply to this asap, she wants some advice too!
Hope everyones well at home and you and dad are good.
Send my love to Jay! (Tell him I’m only being nice to him and sending my love because I’m 15 million miles away from him hahaha)
Lots of love from Jem
“It’s 5 o’clock!” said Mimi, “time for cheerleading.”
Mimi was pulling me and Lily up from the reading chairs we were sitting in.
As I walked into the cheerleading gym (a large room in the dungeons), I saw Katy and Mya conversing in the corner. Since when did they become friends?
The rest were already warming up in the middle of the room.
“Right, you two. Come on, warm-up,” I called.
“Oh showed up did you?” sneered Mya as she walked to the middle and began lunges.
“What’s that supposed to mean?” I asked, narrowing my eyes at her.
“It means,” she said, standing up straight “that the head cheerleader couldn’t even be bothered to turn up on time to practise. Too busy being pathetic, I bet.”
“Excuse me?” I said in disbelief. “What is your problem?”
I knew she always hated me, ever since the Pumpkin Juice incident.
“It’s you,” she said, smiling before continuing warming up.
I was about to reply before Mimi put her hand on my shoulder and said “forget it.”
“Everyone in formation, we’re ganna do Gryffindor Forever cheer straight into pyramid, drop down then Lily and Rachel you take back tuck, somersault and Katy and Mimi you’ll cartwheel. The rest the punch dance moves.” Everyone was nodding, except for Mya and Katy who were just looking at their nails and yawning.
“Everybody got it?” I called, the same reaction.
“I’m sorry, am I boring you?” I said loudly, catching the attention of Mya and Katy.
“Yeah, but then again you’re boring in general,” said Mya.
I raised one eyebrow at Lily who looked menacingly at Mya.
“Well I don’t want to be here either, but we’re both stuck. Deal with it, and get into formation,” I said, before turning around and counting 5,6,7,8.
“Hey Lola,” said Lily as Lola walked into the dorm that night. Mimi had gone down to the kitchens and got me and Lily some dinner as we didn’t want to face the gossip in the Great Hall.
“How are you guys? You weren’t at dinner, I tried looking for you,” she said, getting a magazine out of the draw.
“Didn’t feel like going down,” I said.
“Its gossip central down there, every ones wondering what happened,” said Lola.
“Is it not possible for you to forgive them?” asked Mimi, from the desk where she was doing some runes translations.
“No,” replied Lily before I could. “Not yet, anyway.”
“Fair enough,” she said, shrugging before flipping through her book and quickly became immersed in finding something in the index.
“Did you write to your mum, Jem?” asked Lily, looking over from where she was reading her Charms book.
“Yeah, this afternoon. So if she’s quick with the reply, we should have a letter by tomorrow morning post,” I said.
“That’s great, then we’ll have some more direction,” said Lily.
“Hey!” said Mimi, whipping round in her chair. “I give you direction!”
Lily always trusted elder peoples judgement and advice more, she thinks because they have more experience and are much more wise than us.
“I know, Mimi,” said Lily, looking up from the charms book. “But Jem’s mum is like master of relationship advice, we all know that.”
Oh god, I have to tell my mum that one, she’ll find it hilarious.
If anyone’s had a worse dating history than my mum then I’m a flobberworm. And I would know, considering I spent the whole summer before I started my third year hearing about it. She didn’t want me to make the same ‘mistakes’ as her.
“True, goddess of relationships,” said Mimi, admiringly.
“Don’t think my mums some amazing relationship expert, she’s had her fair share of bad relationships,” I said, smiling.
“That’s what makes her so wise about it though. Her experience,” said Lily, flipping the page in her book.
“Anyway, Lola, how’s Carter going?” I asked, teasingly.
Lola blushed, “It’s all going well, actually.”
“That’s so good,” I gushed. “I’m really happy for you.”
“Thanks, I think this could turn into something real if it keeps going like this,” she said, lying down on her bed.
“What do you mean? Something real, isn’t it already?” asked Lily, suddenly interested in the conversation.
“I mean like, love,” she said, not looking at anyone.
“You love him?” I squealed. This was certainly news to me.
“Oh god, no!” she sat, sitting up. “Not yet, I think I could. If it keeps going well.”
I smiled at her and raised my eyebrows teasingly.
“Shut up, Jem,” she said, smiling before jumping up and making her way to the bathroom.
“Do you think we’re too young?” asked Lily, putting down her book and looking at me.
“For what?” I frowned.
“This. Just everything, like love and all this with James and Sirius,” she said her eyes wide.
“I don’t think so, a lot of people have met the people they’re going to marry by the time they’re 16. We’re turning 17 this year. Mimi and Lola already are,” I said.
“I know, but 17 is still quite naive and we have so much of our lives to go after Hogwarts,” said Lily.
“If you do find love then fair do’s,” said Mimi, coming over to my bed and sitting down, joining the conversation. “You shouldn’t be trying to find love, but if it just happens, then you’re never too young, in my opinion.”
“Mimi’s right, and who knows what’s going to happen after Hogwarts. You know what’s happening out there, with You-Know-Who and his death eaters,” I said.
“It would be stupid to throw away love if you’ve found it just because you think you’re too young. “Lily, you’re not too young,” Mimi said.
“I—you’re right, aren’t you?” said Lily, looking down at her hands.
“Yes I am, as I always am,” said Mimi, smiling.
“You’ll make a scary mum,” I commented, laughing.
“I hope so, one day,” she said.
“With Remus?” asked Lily.
“What?” asked Mimi, suddenly alert.
“Do you love him? Remus?” asked Lily.
“Yes, I do,” said Mimi, blushing furiously.
I looked around the room, “We’re not too young, we may do immature things, but we’re not too young for love. Honestly, we don’t know what’s going to happen after Hogwarts. We may not get through these Dark Ages, then what? We would have passed up our only chance of love.”
“We’ll get through it, Jem,” said Lily, quietly. “We’re all going to get through these Dark Ages.”
“I know we will,” said Mimi.
But what did we know? We were only 17 right?
Here's where i beg for you to review the story hehe, i would appreciate some so i know how you're finding the story. Thanks for reading, should be updating soon.
Lots of love,
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