I’m starting to become overwhelmed as the fight seemingly escalates. I knew that Draco wouldn’t be happy about me spending the day with Ron, but I didn’t exactly foresee this reaction. I’m almost positive that he’s going to start yelling, but instead he stops completely. He takes a deep breath and stares at me. The silence in the room is deafening. My heart pounds with nervousness as he begins to walk tantalizingly slow toward me. He continues walking and backs me against the wall without touching me, pushing me with only his proximity. My breath catches in my throat as if his unbearable closeness makes me incapable of breathing.
I know now that there is no way around him. There’s nowhere for me to go but into his arms unless I plan to force my way through the wall behind me. My hands are trembling as I reach up to undo the buttons of his shirt. He laughs slightly as he helps me by pulling his arms from the sleeves and allowing the shirt to fall to the floor. Much to my surprise, he suddenly picks me up and holds me tight against him, causing me to release a high pitched laugh out of shock. I wrap my legs around his waist and my arms around his neck, fortifying the idea in my mind that he is mine.
I notice his eyes shift over to the bed. I feel as though my heart has been jump-started without warning. My heart stops then returns with intensity. Heat surges through me like an electric current. I plant a delicate kiss on the base of his neck in order to silently give him the permission he is wordlessly asking for. He carries me to the bed and places me on it. When he lets go, I want to cry out like a child and grab him, but resist the urge when he doesn’t back away. He stands there, bent over me, lingering mere inches from me. It feels like an eternity before I feel his lips touch mine and I pull him down on top of me, desperate to me as close to him as possible.
I break the kiss so that I can look at him properly. I stare at him in complete awe, admiring the way the corner of his lips curve up slightly higher on the right side when he smiles. He holds my face in his hands as he waits for me to move. I take the time that he is giving me to really process this moment in my life. I study each tiny detail of his face as if I will find answers hidden there. I have never had sex before. Plus, this is Draco Malfoy and we have only been together for a very short time. Is he really the one that I want to be my first? And if he is, is this the right time?
After everything that has happened, I don’t want him having any doubts about the way that I feel about him. This may be very important to our relationship. I want him to know that I’m committed and that I’m serious about this relationship. I don’t want to give him time to doubt that or to talk myself out of it. I smile up at him and the light I see in his eyes as a response makes my final decision. I giggle and pull him in for another kiss.
The awkwardness of the following events somehow makes me more confident in the fact that this is what I want to do. However, that is the only thing that I am feeling confident about. I’m overwhelmed by the entire situation. I wonder what he is thinking right now. What am I doing? I hope I don’t say or do anything stupid. Is my body good enough? He looks incredible. I’ve never seen a man naked before. Hell, I’ve never even seen another woman naked before. Not even Ginny. Oh, please, Merlin, just don’t mess this up and ruin everything.
After we are finished, he rolls off of me and lies on his back next to me. I shift closer to him until I’m snuggled perfect against his side, safely under his arm with my head resting on his chest. Despite our positioning and the intimacy we just shared, he still doesn’t feel close enough. No matter how close he is to me he will never be close enough. No matter how much time we spend together – even if I spend an eternity being with him – it couldn’t possibly be enough. As I allow myself to relax completely, my mind registers the sound of Draco’s heart beating steadily in his chest. Despite my attempts to hold it in, I laugh at the pure perfection of what I’m hearing.
“What?” Draco asks immediately.
“Nothing – I just – I can hear your heart beating. It makes me happy,” I answer honestly. He simply laughs in response. I lift up and kiss his chest before resting my head once more. He doesn’t understand how special the sound of his heartbeat is to me. The heartbeat is the steady song that tells one they are alive. His life is so precious – the sound a blessing. The heartbeat harmonizes with the soft inhales and exhales of his breathing. I’m swept away by the music, consumed by utter peace, as I unconsciously trace swirls all across his belly with my finger. “I feel like I’m dreaming – in which case, don’t wake me up.”
“You’re not dreaming,” he mutters into my hair.
“In which case, don’t let me fall asleep.” I allow my hand to rest, yawning softly. I feel Draco squeeze me tightly, making me feel as though the two of us could melt into one single person if the embrace is left unbroken. I lift my head to look at his face. His eyes look tired, but there’s a smile gracing his beautiful, full lips. “Does this mean you’re not mad at me anymore?”
“I’m not mad at you, Ace,” he assures me sweetly, using his nickname for me that I still don’t understand but love nonetheless. “I shouldn’t have gotten so upset. He’s been your friend far longer than I’ve been anything but vile to you. I may not be pleased by the idea of the two of you spending the entire day alone together, but I could never ask you to give up your friendship with anyone for me. I doubt that would bode well for me in the long run.”
I am relieved to hear him say that he does not expect me to sacrifice my friendship with Ron, however, part of me is not fully convinced. “I don’t want you to be upset or uncomfortable with this. Your feelings are equally as important.”
“You want to maintain your friendship and you already promised him you would go. So go. I’ll be fine. Of course, that does mean that you’re leaving me here alone with Potter all day. You’re going to have to make that up to me, especially if I can make it the entire day without strangling him.”
I decide to drop the topic of Ron while it is still on a good note and focus on his other statement. I laugh, slapping his chest playfully. “Oh, come off it. You can pretend that you still hate Harry all you want, but I see right through you. Besides, won’t Cat be here? I’m sure that she can rebuff any sort of risk for casualties.”
We lie there in silence for a few minutes, simply enjoying the other’s presence, before getting up to get dressed. I feel incredibly self-conscious as I gather my clothes from the floor and pull them back on. I dare to glance over at him, watching him dress himself for a moment. I look away quickly in fear of him catching me staring. It’s suddenly hitting me – the full truth of what just happened. I definitely don’t regret that it was Draco, but I worry that it may have been too soon. I don’t want him to think that I’m that kind of girl. I don’t care if she doesn’t approve of our relationship – I need to talk to Ginny – now.
Once I’m fully dressed, I fix my hair and run over to kiss Draco once more. Part of me doesn’t want to leave his side even for a second, but I know that I have to go find Ginny. I rush out of the room and down the hall, bursting through my bedroom door with the utmost style and grace – tripping over my own feet, of course, and almost falling on my face.
Fortunately Ginny is already in the room – and she’s alone, sitting at the small desk in the room with a stack of papers in front of her. Her eyes are wide with the shock of my grand entrance. I’m sure that my elegance is truly intimidating. After she takes a moment to process the commotion and deducing that my clumsiness is nothing to be concerned about, she turns back to whatever it is that she is working on. She doesn’t say a word. I approach her with caution, trying to expect all the possible reactions I could receive when I tell her.
“Ginny, I really need to talk to you. It’s important,” I tell her firmly.
“I’m sorry. I still have tons of work to do on this for the Daily Prophet and the deadline is tomorrow,” she replies without pausing to look at me. “You’re going to need quite the headline to pull me away from this.”
I take a deep breath and give her the best headline I’ve got.
“I had sex with Draco Malfoy.”
She spins around in her chair, her eyes wide and her jaw practically unhinged from dropping so fast. “That’ll work.”
I can immediately tell that my friend is back to herself. She leaps from the chair and drags me to sit next to her on her bed. Her eyes are still wide, but now with concern instead of shock. She holds onto my arm tightly and scans over my body as if checking for signs of damage.
“Are you alright? How are you feeling? Was he nice to you? How did –?”
“Ginny, slow down,” I beg her, unable to process all of her questions so quickly. My head is still spinning from the event itself, how am I supposed to answer all of these inquiries about it? “I’m fine. And of course he was nice to me. I know that you don’t trust him, but I do.”
“I’m trying really hard to be supportive here, Hermione, you must know that.”
“I know, Gin.”
“But you also have to understand why I have so many reservations about him – after everything that he’s done. If you believe that he’s changed, then that’s great, but I still have the right to be concerned for you.”
“I’m appreciative that you care so much about me, but it would mean so much to me if you could also make an effort to be civilized. He means more to me than anything else in my life. I’m so happy right now and I want my best friends to be a part of it.”
Ginny holds my hand while she speaks, “Hermione, you’re right. As your best friend, I shouldn’t have given you such a hard time about this. If he makes you this happy than I should be happy for you. And I am happy for you. I can’t guarantee that I can trust him or like him any time soon – if ever – but I promise that I’ll try.”
“Thanks, Gin.” A heavy weight is lifted off of my shoulders as she hugs me. It is such a huge relief to have her support, especially now that my relationship with Draco has taken such a drastic step. At least now I know that I can talk to her openly about the situation. The thought brings my mind back to what the situation really is and my stomach tightens. Ginny seems to feel me tighten in her arms and pulls back to look at me.
“I’m just worried that having sex with Draco is going to have some consequences.”
“What kind of consequences? You’re not regretting this already, are you?”
“No, I don’t regret what I did or who I did it with, but I can’t help but be concerned that the timing wasn’t right. You know me. I’m not the type of girl who sleeps with a guy after only dating him for a couple weeks. Hell, I dated Ron for a little over a year and we never slept together.”
“So you’re worried that the timing wasn’t right for you? Or are you just surprised that you would have done it so soon without any time to make one of your pro-con lists?” She raises an eyebrow jokingly at the last question.
“First of all, don’t mock my pro-con lists. They have helped us make a lot of very difficult decisions in the past. And second of all, I don’t think that there is such a thing as ‘the right time for me’ when it comes to Draco. I’m confident that as long as I’m with him it will always be right. The only problem is, what if he doesn’t think the same way.”
Ginny’s face wrinkles in confusion. “Why would he be worried about it being too soon? He’s the type to sleep with women he hardly knows.”
“What I meant was that I’m concerned that because it happened so soon, he’s going to get the wrong impression of me. Maybe I’m overreacting? What’s the worst impression he could possibly get about me from this?”
“He could think you’re a whore,” she shrugs.
“I don’t want him to think that! I didn’t even mean for this to happen. I couldn’t help it. I was all worked up because we started fighting and then he just – the point is, I had no intention of sleeping with him so quickly. I just got caught up in the moment.”
“That’s usually how it happens. Look, Hermione, maybe you should talk to him about this.”
“I don’t want to seem all insecure.”
“Would you rather be constantly worried that he thinks you’re a whore? It’s probably best for you to ease your mind and tell him how you feel. If you let this bother you, you’re going to start pulling away from him. Then he’s going to think that you regret it or that he did something wrong. Believe me, plucking up the courage to talk to him about it yourself could save your relationship tons of unnecessary drama.”
“I suppose you’re right.” My stomach twists at the idea of bringing this up in conversation with him. I keep remember how he told me that he wasn’t the fairy tale prince, romantic boyfriend type of guy. I wouldn’t want to do anything that would make him have second thoughts about giving the boyfriend thing a shot.
“Hermione, can I ask you a question?”
“Has Harry known about your feelings for Malfoy all this time? Ever since it started?” she asks, her wide eyes blinking expectantly at me.
I sigh, understanding how hurt she must be that I didn’t trust her with what was going on in my personal life. I suppose I haven’t been much of a friend lately either. “Yes. In some ways, Harry even helped get us together. And please don’t be upset with him. I told him not to tell you… well you and Ron. It’s just that Harry was starting to become civilized with Draco, so I thought that he would be more accepting of it. I didn’t mean to hurt you by not telling you. I just didn’t want you to try to talk me out of being with him.”
“I’m disappointed that you thought you had to keep it from me, however, it turned out to be that you were right about how we would react. I understand why you didn’t want us to know. But it doesn’t matter now. Now that I know, you can tell me everything – preferably something that you won’t tell Harry. Let us keep something from him for a change.” She winks at me and I can’t help but laugh.
“As fun as that sounds, Ginny, I doubt I could. You know that there isn’t a single thing that I don’t tell Harry. I’m probably still going to tell him everything. But what if I promise to tell you first?”
“I guess I can live with that. So, you promise to tell me everything from now on? No matter how you think I’m going to react?”
“I promise. Anything you want to know is an open book.”
“I want to know everything. So tell me everything.” She winks again with a sly smile and this time I don’t find it nearly as amusing. I look at her slightly bewildered.
“Come on, tell me. How was it? What did he do? I want details. All of them.”
I stare at her with wide eyes, realizing that she’s serious about her question. I figure that I do sort of owe her for not telling her about my feelings for him and our relationship from the beginning. It can’t hurt to indulge her in a little bit of the details. I take a deep breath.
“Well, first he –“