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Chapter 1 : Sweetest Downfall
 
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You are my sweetest downfall
Jennifer had promised herself that Remus wouldn’t affect her anymore. When she saw that he was uncovered as a werewolf in the Daily Prophet, her reaction was to continue with her tea as if nothing had happened. When she heard that Dumbledore was hiring him to be the Defense Against the Dark Arts professor at Hogwarts, she didn’t bat an eyelash. But when she saw the announcement that he was marrying Nymphadora Tonks? Well, that got a reaction out of her.

Nymphadora Tonks was his best friend’s niece. She had to be at least 10 years younger than him. Jennifer had balled up her fists and repressed tears. Of course, she had seen the announcement when she cooking breakfast for another one-night stand she had found in a bar, so when she burnt the eggs, he had asked her what was wrong. She had to reply, with as much dignity as she could, “Absolutely nothing.”

How could he marry her? It was so unfair.

Why was she caring? Jennifer asked herself this over and over. Remus was in the past. He was nothing to her now.

I loved you first, I loved you first

It wasn’t fair, she thought, as she watched Nymphadora walk down the aisle to the man that she had loved first. It wasn’t Nymphadora who had patched him up when he scratched himself so badly that full moon. It wasn’t Nymphadora who had known all his friends since age 11, who had known him for who he really was. So why did Nymphadora get him now?

Jennifer exited the chapel quietly. Nobody noticed. She was the mystery girl who hadn’t arrived with anybody, and who didn’t speak a word to the happy couple. Jennifer was surprised Remus had the audacity to even invite her. To even think that she still cared about him.

But she did.

A tear slid down her cheek, and Jennifer stared at the clouds.

“I loved you first.”


Beneath the sheets of paper lies my truth.
I have to go, I have to go


 

“Jennifer,”

Seventeen year old Jennifer turned around to face Remus. “What?” She spat out. “What do you want, Remus? Because if you want to apologize, it’s too late. I saw you, okay? I know what you were doing with her. I get it. You don’t know enough about me.  You can’t be in love with me when you didn’t even know I was an orphan.  Because I could be hiding so much more, right?  I. Get. It.”

Remus looked surprised, and hurt. He backed up. “I just wanted—”

“Yeah, I know.” Jennifer said bitterly. “You just wanted to say sorry. It’s too late, Remus. You go your own way, I’ll go mine. It’s over.”


Your hair was long when we first met


37 year old Jennifer stared at grey haired, lined, weathered Remus. Not at all her Remus. Her Remus was young, sandy haired, and cheerful. Her Remus was happy. Her Remus was hers, not Nymphadora Tonks'.


Samson went back to bed
Not much hair left on his head
He ate a slice of wonderbread and went right back to bed



Remus crawled into bed. Nymphadora was propped up on her pillows, reading her book. He didn’t talk to her. He lay down and stared at the ceiling, his hands folded over his chest, thinking.

He had seen Jennifer today. He could remember with clarity the last time they had talked, when she had seen him with Patricia Lawrence and broken up with him. Although, he thought, his mind automatically taking a defensive front, he hadn’t really known her.

But that was ridiculous. Of course he had known Jennifer. He had known her since first year. She hadn’t really had any friends of her own. Jennifer always came with an air of mystery surrounding her, but Remus liked to think that he had penetrated that mysteriousness and gotten to know the real Jennifer—that is, until he discovered that she was an orphan and had no family, when they had known each other for 6 years and had been dating for 2.

“Hey,” Nymphadora put her hand on his. Nymphadora was young. Younger than Jennifer, and better than him. Too good for him. He hadn’t wanted to marry her, but she had insisted, and even Remus couldn’t deny that he loved her. As crazy as it may have sounded, he loved her, and he loved Jennifer. He couldn’t get either woman out of his mind. But Jennifer had said it herself, they were over. So Remus had chosen Nymphadora, and he was happy.

But he still couldn’t erase Jennifer from his mind.


And history books forgot about us and the bible didn't mention us
And the bible didn't mention us, not even once



38 year old Jennifer sat in the back row of the same chapel that she had watched the man she loved get married in. But everything was different now. Now, instead of the chapel hosting a happy event, it was sad. Instead of a wedding, there was a funeral.

They were lying next to each other. Their hands were placed carefully, his on top of hers. His face finally looked peaceful.

It wasn’t fair, she thought, that he got to be peaceful when she got to be ripped apart from the inside out.


You are my sweetest downfall
I loved you first, I loved you first


He was her downfall. Just when she thought everything would be okay, he ruined it for her, in some way. By cheating on her. By being able to function without her. By marrying Nymphadora. By dying.

Once again, Jennifer thought, it wasn’t fair.

If she was being honest with herself, she sounded a bit like a petulant child. Why was she resenting him for being happy?


Beneath the stars came fallin' on our heads
But they're just old light, they're just old light
Your hair was long when we first met


 

“Jennifer?” Seventeen year old Remus asked.

“Yes?” Jennifer responded. They were on the Astronomy Tower, staring at the stars. It was Remus’s idea, a makeup date for last Hogsmeade weekend, where he had blown her off for his friends.

“Tell me about your family, I haven’t heard about them.”

“I don’t have one.”


Samson came to my bed
Told me that my hair was red
Told me I was beautiful and came into my bed



“Remus?” Jennifer whispered, squinting to try to see in the dark.

“Jen,” Remus slurred. That’s when Jennifer knew that something was wrong. Remus never called her ‘Jen’.

“Remus, are you okay? Did everything go okay tonight?” It was a full moon. James, Sirius, and Peter were away. Remus couldn’t come to the Potters’ house this year. He wanted to spend Christmas vacation with Jennifer, who was staying at the castle.

“A-okay.” Remus said.

“We need to get you to Pomfrey.” Jennifer said, sitting up. She could make out blood.

“You’re beautiful, you know?” Remus whispered.

“Sure, Remus, you’re delirious. Let’s go.” Jennifer said, getting out of bed.

“No!” Remus exclaimed. He quieted, and then said, “I don’t want them to know I can’t go through a full moon without them. Please, can you just heal me?”

Jennifer hesitated. “Please.” Remus pleaded.

“Fine.” Jennifer said.


Oh I cut his hair myself one night
A pair of dull scissors in the yellow light
And he told me that I'd done alright



“I’m going to have to cut your hair to get to this cut.” Jennifer told Remus.

“That’s okay.” He said. “Do what you have to.”

After she was done, Remus looked in the mirror. “Thanks, Jennifer.” He said quietly, ignoring the fact that his haircut was horrible.


And kissed me 'til the mornin' light, the mornin' light
And he kissed me 'til the mornin' light


 

 

“I’m alrigh—” But she was cut off. Remus had closed the gap between them, and kissed her, very gently, very softly. It was magical. Jennifer saw fireworks in her brain, and felt them in her stomach.

When they broke apart, Remus said, “Sorry about that.” With a cute little grin. Jennifer laughed, and pulled him closer. They fell back onto her bed, and could be found there in the morning, her head on his chest, both with small smiles on their faces.


Samson went back to bed
Not much hair left on his head
Ate a slice of wonderbread and went right back to bed


“You don’t have a family?” Remus asked.

“No.” Jennifer said quietly.

Remus stayed silent, but his mind was racing. He didn’t know this person that was lying next to him.


Oh, you couldn't bring the columns down
You couldn't destroy a single one



38 year old Jennifer stared at Remus’s lifeless face bitterly. He had sworn that the darkness would never take him, but in the end, darkness had won, and now Remus was gone.


And history books forgot about us
And the bible didn't mention us, not even once


40 year old Jennifer stared at Remus and Nymphadora’s gravestone.

Remus Lupin Nymphadora Tonks


A friend is someone who believes in you when you have ceased to believe in yourself.


 

No mention of Jennifer, the woman he had loved, anywhere. But had he really loved her? Jennifer had no way of knowing, and she was beginning to doubt herself whenever she said that. If he had loved her, why did Patricia Lawrence happen? If he loved her, why did Ted Lupin, his child that he had with Nymphadora, exist?

How could he have loved her?

 

You are my sweetest downfall
I loved you first

 





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