Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter OR this song. Lyrics are Boulevard of Broken Dreams by Green Day! Enjoy! (P.S. This really does go with the story! She won't go out with him, so she's alone! I also cut the song where I did for a similar reason)
I walk a lonely road
The only one that I have ever known
Don't know where it goes
But it's home to me and I walk alone
“UGH! I can’t stand James Potter! After being civil toward him for three months, he decides that I’m now in love with him and he asked me out! I can’t believe I was willing to be friends with him! The boy is a filthy toe rag!!” Do I really think that? Until tonight, I thought he was a lot more mature than last year. I thought I could learn to like him…
After all, I've never had to - or wanted to - rely on another person for almost anything! I've been a lone wolf for most of my life. Mum and Dad were fine, but we were never truly close. And Petunia was always being snippy! I was my own friend for years, and I'm still fine with taking care of myself.
“Lily, calm down. I know you care about him! You just thought that he meant it in a rude way. What exactly did he say?”
What didn't he say? His words had been rude, arrogant, and prickish. He had gone from being the James Potter I was getting to enjoy spending time with to the immature boy he was last year. All it took was one sentence, and all his hard work was undone.
“Well, we were patrolling and he told me that he was tired of being friends.”
“Alice! Anyway, I reacted similarly and he said that what he meant was he was tired of just being friends.” And I almost agreed… almost.
“Well that makes more sense! He worships the ground you walk on; he wouldn’t get tired of you!”
“Yes, well he also asked me out, again. I thought he was more mature than that now! And I know he doesn’t mean it. He just wants to be able to say that he got with every girl in our year.”
Okay, that is a little harsh, and I know it! But James just gets me going! He makes me so emotional, and not in a good way! He make me feel like I'm not capable of controlling myself, I hate that. I don't need anyone's help with my life, let alone his!
“Lily, I know you haven’t really paid attention, but he turns down every girl who asks him out. You just want to have a reason to keep turning him down.” But I need the pathetic excuse, or else I might actually consider saying ‘yes’ the next time he asks me out…
I walk this empty street
On the boulevard of broken dreams
Where the city sleeps
And I'm the only one and I walk alone
“I hate him again! I can’t believe I tried to be friendly to him! He totally ruined it with his prickish behaviour.”
“Lily, I think you’re just saying that because you’re scared that if you let yourself have him, he’ll get tired of him. You think that he wants what he can’t have, but he wants you! Not just the idea of you! I think that you have learned to love him, but are scared that he’ll leave you like so many other people have.”
“Alice, please! You don’t know what you’re talking about!” She doesn’t know how many people have hurt me, it’s worse than she thinks. I purposefully stay away from people unless absolutely necessary. I walk to class in the emptiest halls, sit alone in the common room, and try my best to avoid human contact whenever possible. I just wanted to be normal, but even in the wizarding world I'm abnormal and freakish!
“But I do! Your parents died, you sister hates you, Snape betrayed you, Mary moved, and you think that James will leave you too. You’re scared to let yourself love anyone, and I understand that. But James loves you, and I know you love him back.” Don’t forget the kids on the playground who called me a freak or the Slytherins who call me a mudblood… they hurt me more than I show.
My shadow's the only one that walks beside me
My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there would find me
Till then I walk alone
“Alice, James and I just don’t go together. We’re like fire and ice; so completely opposite it’s not even funny.”
“Lily, I’ve seen the way he looks at you for seven years, and recently you’ve been looking at him in the same way. You may not admit it, even to yourself, but you really do love him.”
I wonder how Potter looks at me? I always thought he looked at me like food. Maybe I overreacted a little?But I still doubt it! Luckily I don't curse, but if I did my mouth would need a good scrubbing by now!
Besides, I stay away from him for multiple reasons. I'm a one-wolf pack, and according to Black, my shallow heart can't bear the depth of his friend's love! My shallow heart! I may not give out my love freely, but my heart beats the same as his. Too bad I won't let it.
“Alice, I don’t love James! And he doesn’t love me either! He loves the idea of having me, but not the actual me.” If only he showed he truly cared even the slightest amount, then I might consider giving him a chance…
“All I have to do to prove you wrong is ask him, and I will!”
"No need, Alice! I can ask him for myself! Not that I even need to know the answer..."
I already know what his answer will be. It'll be him going on and on about how I didn't fall for him. He wants a big bullet in his shotgun! My emotions are never hid well, but today must have been exceptionally bad because Alice is already shaking her head, saying that he thinks so much more of me.
I'm walking down the line
That divides me somewhere in my mind
On the border line
Of the edge and where I walk alone
“You could ask him for a list of things he likes about me for all I care! Even if I thought I could love him, I wouldn’t let myself. I’ve been hurt too many times by too many people.”
“But you admit that you love him!”
“No! I said ‘even if I could love him’. That’s different from actually loving him. That would be on the border of crazy! Despise does not just turn into desire! It's not that thin a line.” Is it really? What did I mean by ‘even if I could love him…’? Did I mean that I really did care about him?
“Lily, when you get a hold of your emotions, you’ll admit that you love him. Right now you’re just confused. You think you could love him, but you won’t let yourself.”
“I’m not confused! I just don’t want to give him what he wants, actually wants, fall for him, and be left crying on the curb!”
Read between the lines of
What's messed up when everything's all right
Check my vital signs
To know I'm still alive and I walk alone
“You keep saying that you don’t give a bloody hippogriff’s dung about him. If that were true, you wouldn’t even consider what would happen if you went out with him.”
“I don’t have any feelings for James!”
“Lily, if you didn’t care for him, you would be calling ‘Potter’ like you did for six years. You care for him! Just face it, sweetie; you’ve both grown not only in age but in maturity and in your love for each other.”
“What do you mean? He doesn’t love me and I don’t love him.”
“When James looks at you looks like he’s looking at the most beautiful person in the world and that nothing could come between his love and adoration for you. And you look at him differently too. You used to look at him like he was the scum of the planet. Now you look at him like you love him almost as much as he loves you. I think the talks you two have had during patrols has shown you the depth to him.” Does he really look at me like that? That's a deadly mistake, if it's a mistake at all! If Alice is lying to me she's gonna need some medical attention to make sure that she stays alive! I’ll have to pay more attention to James though.
I walk alone
I walk alone
I walk alone
I walk a...
“He may love me – I still don’t think he does – but I most defiantly do not love him!”
“He makes you so happy though! Just last week you went to him after you had that argument with Snape. You went to your dorm grinning and you let him give you a hug before going to sleep.”
“How would you know that? We sleep in the Head dorms.” But that did happen, but we fell asleep on the couch when I came to him later with nightmares. They come so often now…
“Yes, but you thanked him for comforting him the next morning. Both of you were glowing! You make each other so happy!”
“I admit nothing. We were friends; that was all. I had only platonic feelings for him and now even those have disappeared.” Mostly disappeared…
“Lily, just because you hated him for six years doesn’t mean your feelings for him can’t change. It’s okay to love him. Love and hate are so similar; they can turn into each other faster than you can say ‘Amorus’.”
“But Alice, I can’t love him! That makes things too complicated!”
“Lily, love is complicated! Even Frank and have our ups and downs. Just try to let yourself love him. Please? Do this for you!”
“I’ll try, but I’m not voicing any opinions until I know that I love him and he loves me back.” If that ever happens…
“Thank you for trying Lily! I don’t think you’ll regret your choice!”
A/N: I know I should be focusing on The Immediate and IADBtD, but I couldn't resist! Don't worry, I'm almost ready to post Part Three!! I'm working on it for you!
Please review! Reviews make me more motivated to write! Only two chapters for this fic, so I won't be distracted long! I have the song picked out for the next chapter and have a rough outline. I WILL update The Immediate first though, this is just fluffy summer stuff.
Again, please review! I love the two reviews I have and I want to add more! I Everyone who read my stuff left one review (even if you read everything and only leave a review on one story) it would make my day!
Love you all!