Chapter 11 : Confession 9 - Of Truth, Couples And Moments
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I'm still thinking about it, Al and Kay together. Well now the images of James and Bee are out of my head only to be replaced by those two. Fucking great. I went into my room and got into bed pulling my quilt over me. I changed my mind and got back out to grabbed my bag, pulling out the folder of prospective parents Cassy had given me.
I sat back on my bed and opened it and slowly read each mini file, looking at each photograph of each couple. As I read through each one every now and again one couple would jump out at me. I put these couples into a pile next to me. Once I had finished looking through the folder I picked up the pile next to me, it was only small as only five couples had really jumped out at me.
This may sound selfish or unfair but I don't want this baby to grow up without two loving parents. Dad didn't have anyone and his aunt and uncle were horrid to him (These day's Dad is still on speaking terms with his Aunt Petunia and Cousin Dudley and we occasionally see them.) and Mum has a huge family and is loved so much by everyone. I want my baby to have a safe loving home and not to wonder where daddy is or why he isn't with us. Is that so hard to understand.
I know Jake's back but I can't handle it, I really can't. I cannot do this without him and I doubt from the way he reacted that he will stick around. I am not doing this by myself, yeah sure when I was younger I used to put a quaffle up my top and pretend I was pregnant but here I am ten years later with the real thing. Why does life has to change so much ...
There was a knock on my door which made me loose my train of thought and I quickly hid the folder and pile under my pillow. I pulled my quit over me and stayed still, not saying anything.
They knocked again and this time they spoke "Lily, it's me can I come please."
I pulled my quilt over my head, hoping that she would think I was asleep. I heard the door open and I peeked through the gap at the side, it was Kayl. I pulled my quilt down with as little movement as possible, I felt the end of my bed creak as Kayl sat on it.
"Lily I know you can hear me and that you're not asleep, I saw you peeking." She said.
Fuck, my plan didn't work. I groaned and sat up. There were two words that I needed to ask, that I had to know.
"Since when?" I pretty much yelled at her.
"October." She said quietly, looking down at the floor.
October, October as in ... eight months ago. My best friend has been dating my brother for EIGHT MONTHS AND NEITHER OF THEM TOLD ME!!!
"Eight months and you haven't said a word." I stated.
She nodded and said "Look Lil I'm so, so sorry. We really wanted to tell you but... we weren't sure how too and then you found out you were pregnant and..."
"And you thought I hate you." I finished for her, having seen the look on her face.
Truth be told I do hate her at the moment. I hate her for not telling me and I hate her for lying to me for the past eight months. Why didn't she tell me, ok it is quite a weird though thinking about your best mate and your brother dating but I love them both and I think I'll be happy for them. I just need to get my head around it just like I did when I found out I was pregnant. Yes I know it's not the same but still it's a huge shock and in the past three months there has been a lot of those and a lot of secrets as well not too mention what happened yesterday and now today.
"Well yeah and I told Al I didn't really want to do this tonight what with my mum being ill and I knew I should have told you before." She looked at me with sorrow in her eyes
I pulled her close and whispered "I don't hate you, but I wish you told me sooner. How is your mum by the way?"
Kay broke away and muttered "She's alot better now they've removed her appendix but she's still in hospital as she's picked up an infection."
I gave her another hug. "She'll be ok Kayl. Hey you might be my sister-in-law one day." I whispered.
She giggled, it was nice to see her smile again.
"So how did it um happened." I asked. I'm not even sure why I was asking or even if I wanted to know.
"Your birthday. We kinda got talking and then we got a little tipsy and we started kissing."
Something seemed to go off in my brain. At my birthday when myself and Jake were going into the house we had seen Kayl. I had recognised her dress, she was wrapped in the arms of some dark haired boy. Someone I didn't recognise. OH MY GOD THAT WAS AL! are you freaking kidding me. My mouth dropped open.
"Um Lil, are you finished catching flies." I heard Kay say.
I shut my mouth. I still can't believe this. Then another thought went through my brain the morning after me and Jake had done it, Kayl was in our dorm talking to herself.
"Kay, member when you were talking to yourself in our dorm day after Slytherin beat us"
She nodded "Yeah, why?"
"Well were you really alone because I heard a male voice."
She blushed "Well um I wasn't alone and yes it was Al, he was under the cloak but he left as you came in."
I knew I had felt something brush past me, I thought. "Promise me this though," Kay nodded and I continued "Never do anything more than holding hands in front of me ok, otherwise it may just creep me out too much and I really don't want my baby seeing its Auntie and Uncle do things like that."
She laughed and I have to say she looked so much happier, as though a weight had been lifted off her shoulders. It kind of made sense now, why she had been acting weird for ages and going red whenever we saw Al, Jamie and Scorp not to mention why she was always disappearing some place or another and those few mornings when she wasn't in our dorm. Had she been with Al?
I still can't believe it, once Kayl has gone home I'm gonna need a serious talk to Al. I don't care if he's my brother, Kayl is one of my bestest friends and if he hurts her then he will be in huge trouble. I'm still mad at him for punching Jake and that was two weeks ago, so if he hurts Kayl I'm not be likely to forget it in a hurry.
I leaned back on my pillows, why does my life have so much bloody drama and most of it is family related. Since Kayl is one of my besties, I decided that I would show her the five couples that I had narrowed it down to.
"Kayl would you like to help me with something important?" I asked.
"Um sure but what with?" She replied looking confused.
I sat up and pulled out the folder and pile from under my pillow, "I've narrowed it down to five couples but I need help choosing." I explained.
Kayl looked nervous "Shouldn't Jake be doing this with you. I mean you have talked about it." She saw me fidget, "Right Lil."
I shook my head "He left, he doesn't get a say. I'm sorry but I'm set and I'm choosing adoption and nothing is gonna change my mind."
Ok so I may be a teeny tiny bit stubborn but don't tell Al I said that other wise he'll be like ' I told you so' and end up doing his silly little dance that he does when he's right.
She opened her mouth to argue but shut it again and eventually gave in.We spent ages making a list on the pro's and con's of each couple and as we did one stood out even more, than the rest.
I thought that they looked like older versions of myself and Jake. Ok so not entirely, he has really dark brown hair almost a black and brown eyes and she had medium length brown hair with hazel eyes. They are called Natalie and Tyler Hamillton, Tyler is a healer at St. Mungo's and Natalie works from home. I showed their small file to Kayl.
"Hmm they look nice." She replied.
Well I think I've found my baby's parents ...
After looking through my file, we went downstairs having noticed we had been up in my room for an hour and a half. Kayl then said goodbye to everyone as she had to get back. Once she had gone I noticed that one person in particular was avoiding me: Al.
I dragged him out of the living room and up the stairs not saying anything until we got to the first landing . Before he could say anything I started to say "Al, she's my best mate and you've been dating for eight months, why didn't you tell me?"
"Well...umm...you see.." He spluttered.
"You didn't want to tell me because of everything that's happened."
He nodded and said "Well yeah, but we didn't think we would you know, start going out with each other at the time. It was just we got talking and we like the same stuff and then we kissed."
"Al, do you love her?"
To my surprise he nodded shyly.
"If you ever break her heart, you have me to answer to. I don't care if you're my brother, she's my best mate so don't ever hurt her. Promise me"
"I promise Lil" And with that he continued upstairs, leaving me stood there on my own.
The last few days have gone by quickly, but not quick enough for my liking. Mum has kept trying to get me on my own so she could talk to me, probably to talk me out of choosing adoption. She doesn't understand, she doesn't know how I'm feeling. This is what is best and my mind is set.
Yesterday was Roxy's sixteenth and Nana threw a small family party mainly because Rox didn't want a huge fuss like I had. I spent most of it in my room going over the file mainly because the sweet sickly smell of treacle tart, birthday cake, apple pie and whatever other desserts Nana had made were making me feel sick and I knew if I had stuck around any longer then lets just say the contents of my stomach would have been over the table.
I also went to see Bee and my nephew Codie again, it still seems really strange saying that. I have a nephew, I like saying it to myself it makes me feel happy. Codie is so cute he reminds me of James a bit, there's that mischievous glint in his eye as well and if he's anything like his father then there are going to be many heartbroken girls when he's a teenager.
I met up with Kayl and Livi yesterday and I told them I had chosen the Hamillton's as my baby's parents. Kayl told Livi about her dating Al. I also mentioned that Izzy owled me as since had found out and that Jamie owled me saying that Jake was back. They suggested I go and see him, I told them no. If he was that desperate to see me he would have, so he can't care that much can he.
Anyway today is Sunday and I am going back to Hogwarts. My trunk is packed and Zephie is safely in her cage. I really don't want to go back incase people find out but another part of me does, I need to get ready for my O.W.L's which are roughly in two weeks.
We arrived at the station early and met up with the rest of the family. When it was time for goodbye's dad hugged me and told me to take care as did mum but she also said owl her if I needed advice and to please reconsider my decision. Except my dear mother I am not going to change my mind.
I found an empty compartment and sat in it by myself, until Rose and Dom (no I haven't killed her...yet, actually I'm surprised Rose hasn't either) came in talking to each other in hushed voices, well actually Rose forced Dom in. Fucking great what does she want now. Does she want to mess up my life some more.
"I, umm Lily, I need to tell you something." Dom mumbled looking at the floor.
"Spit it out then." I said bluntly.
"Well the thing is I'm sorry. I'm sorry for telling you to get rid of it, I over reacted and I'm sorry. You're my baby cousin Lily and after what happened to Rose I didn't want to see you get hurt as well. I'm really sorry for telling your parents, I shouldn't have and I'm really really sorry."
Do you think she said sorry enough times. She seemed like she had more to say, as she was doing a rather good impression of a gold fish.
"I hate us not talking and I wish we could go back to how we used to be. I just want my cousin back and I want us to be friends again," She carried on.
Dom looked genuinely sorry. I think I may forgive her, but first she has to promise me two things.
"Do you promise not to tell anyone and that you stick by me whatever I choose"
She nodded and I raised my eyebrows. "I promise, hand on heart." She put her hand over her heart and smiled before saying, "Hug."
Before I could answer Dom pulled me into a tight hug before running off to find her mates.
How odd, but I'm secretly glad we made up. I mean I did miss her whining and her jokes a little...just don't tell her I said that. Rose who looked liked her mission was complete then took a seat and pulled out a book.
"Um Rose." I said.
She looked up, "Yes Lil."
"Why haven't you killed her for telling Tori?" I asked.
She looked surprised at my question and thought before she answered "Well Tori asked me to go outside with her after you had dragged Al off. I went and she asked me what Dom had meant when she said 'like Rose again'. I explained and Tori understood why I hadn't told anyone and that she was sorry. Dom also apologised to me as well."
"Oh." I said since it was all I could.
The rest of the journey was ok, Kayl and Livi joined us not long after. I have to say Kay looked a lot happier now especially since she told me and now her mum is getting a lot better. I didn't see Jake at all, ok so maybe I did. He walked passed our compartment with Matt earlier on. Hugo and Leo also walked by, I think Hugo's been avoiding me since he didn't say a thing to me at all whilst we were at The Burrow. I'm kinda avoiding Jake at the moment, I guess I'm still annoyed that he just walked out on me. But anyway I guess I have a few things to cross off my list:
- Jake, whether he will come back - He's back and has been for a while
- My stomach and whether you can tell I'm pregnant or juts fast - My mini bump is definitely getting more noticeable
- Crying, it's all I seem to do - Haven't cried for a while but I'm not counting on it these days
- How to tell mum and dad/rest of family without them killing Jake - Since he hasn't been around and none of my family have seen him, he has not been killed.... yet
- Worrying 'bout my O.W.L's - They're in two weeks and I'm freaking out
- Why Kayl is acting weird - She's been secretly dating my brother and now they're out in the open
And praying that Dom doesn't tell anyone - well she did and she has sworn not to tell anyone else.
So more or less my list of things that are stressing me has been at least halved but I also have new things to add on to it, these include:
-Meeting the Hamilton's and will they be right for my baby.
-Worrying 'bout Hogwarts/other people finding out - the rumours, oh god.
- O.W.L'S did I mention they start in two weeks and I am not prepared at all since I have been so busy worrying about all this other stuff ...
I was curled up in my seat when Jake and Matt walked passed again, he caught my eye but I looked away. Not long after Al came in and stayed for a chat since Kayl and Livi were also in here. I could see Al's hand was slowly creeping up the side of Kayl's leg where her own hand rested. He caught my eye and I raised my eyebrows at him. He got the message and it retreated back and found a pack of Bertie Botts beans that were on the seat on the other side of him.
Al and Rose left about thirty minutes before we were due to arrive at Hogwarts. Al had gone to find Jamie and Scorp and Rose because she had prefect duties. Deciding that we had better get changed I got up and went to pull the blinds shut, when Jake walked down the corridor again. His eyes flickered towards me, I stared at him and he carried on walking but because he wasn't paying attention and was looking back at me. He nearly walked into an innocent first year, Poor thing.
I pulled down the blinds quickly, hoping he wouldn't walk back down the corridor and locked the door. Myself Livi and Kayl then got changed into our uniforms. Black skirt, white shirt, long black socks in the case of me and Kayl (Livi had on black tights) and our Gryffindor ties. I also put on my robes as I feel so self conscious lately. I feel like my stomach is screaming 'look at me, notice I'm getting bigger' and 'look there's a baby in me'. The girls keep telling me its in my head but it's not, I have a bump. It may be a small bump but it's visible and that means I'm getting fatter and the more chance that people will notice is getting higher.
Once the train had pulled in at the station we got out and made out way to the carriages. It was getting dark out and the weather was pretty good, well at least it's dry. We hopped into the one nearest us which also happened to contain Hugo, Matt, Leo and Jake. when I noticed Jake he caught my eye and I immediately went to turn around but Livi pushed me inwards.
The journey up to the castle was not fun at all. The carriage was so silent and you could have cut the tension with a knife. About half way up Kayl started talking to Hugo since he asked 'bout her and Al - which then got the Leo and Matt involved, Livi also joined in as well. Jake was quiet the rest of the way and kept looking at me. I ended up staring at the floor and as soon as we were at the castle I was the first one of us to get out. I pretty much ran into Hogwarts. I bet if a first year saw me they think would think I am very enthusiastic to be back. I'm not I just want to escape Jake.
I looked around the entrance hall and walked causally into the great hall, not bothering to wait for the others. I made my way to the Gryffindor table and noticed I was one of the first ones there apart from some sixth and seventh year students. Out of the corner of my eye I could see Kayl and Livi hurrying into the hall and over to me.
"Why did you run off? " They asked in unison when they finally arrived at the table.
I shrugged and said, "I'm hungry."
Well it wasn't a lie. I am hungry but then again it isn't the truth either.
Mcgonagall gave out the usual welcome back and warnings. The feast smelt as good as usual but I was sticking to bread and butter, I don't trust my stomach these days. But then when the desserts arrived I was rather drawn to the chocolate pudding with the oozing centre, not to mention I fancied some cheese. What the hell is wrong with me cheese and chocolate. I like both but not together but on the other hand, right now they both sound so yummy. Helping myself to the chocolate pudding I leant over and cut a chunk of cheese of the cheese board that was near Livi who was sat opposite me.
I place it on my plate and cut it into smaller slices. Picking one up I dipped it into the chocolate sauce and popped it in my mouth. Mmm heaven, it seriously tastes good. Both Livi and Kayl were gawping at me, their own pudding hanging off their spoons.
"What." I said after I had swallowed.
Livi blinked a few time, "You just dipped cheese into chocolate pudding."
I shrugged, "Yeah I know."
"But why?" Kayl asked, sounding a little disgusted.
"I just fancied it and besides it tastes good."
They looked at me, then at each other before turning back to their own food. I ignored them and carried on eating my cheese and chocolate which got some strange looks off the other students as well. I was sad to see the food disappear and the feast end, but for once I have been able to eat something more than crackers, toast, ginger biscuits and bread and butter.
Together we left the great hall, making out way slowly up to Gryffindor tower. Actually it was just me going slow, Kay and Livi were just infront. I felt like if I walked too fast I think I may be sick. Ok so maybe I ate a little too much cheese and chocolate pudding. I was too busy thinking about stuff and had zoned out of Kayl and Livi's conversation when I heard someone calling me just as we has turned into the corridor for Gryffindor tower.
"Lily, Lily. Stop." They called.
I ignored them, thinking it was Jake since it sounded male. It was only when I nearly walked into Kayl did I stop.
"What." I muttered impatiently. Do they not understand I just want to go and sleep.
"Hugo wants you." Livi replied..
"Oh." I turned around to see Hugo coming down the corridor, staring directly at me. "What do you want." I asked once he had gotten nearer.
"That's a nice way to greet your cousin isn't it, anyway I need to speak to you. Now in private." He added.
"Meet you in the dorm." Kayl said as she and Livi went on.
I rolled my eyes and sighed what could Hugo possibly want. He turned and walked down the corridor before turning into a class room. I stayed still rooted to the spot, I only moved when he stuck his head out the door and yelled "Come On Lil, I won't bite."
I sighed. I mean what's the worst that could happen. Well let's see Lily he could yell at you, he could disown you, he could.. Closing my eyes for a second I blocked my thoughts. I stayed still for another moment before making my way to the classroom that Hugo had gone in.
"Hugh?" I said as I made my way over to him.
He turned around and I was able to see his face, it was a mixture of anger and sadness. "Lil, what are you two gonna do." He said taking a seat on one of the desks.
"What do you mean?" I asked?
"You know well what. What have you and Jake chosen." He said.
"I, Um I've chosen adoption. I want what's best for my baby."
He looked annoyed at that comment "Lily but that's the thing it isn't just your baby. It's Jake's as well and I'm not saying he did a good thing in leaving you, but he needs to know and you have to decide together,"
"NO," I yelled, "I don't care, he left so clearly he doesn't give a flying fuck about either of us."
Hugo jumped off the desk he had been sat on, came over and gave me a hug and said "Lily Trust me, he loves you. You two really need to talk, Promise me Lil." He pulled away and looked at me "Promise Me Lil, he's my best mate and you're my cousin. You both love each other and right now you shouldn't been fighting,"
I sighed, looks like I'm not gonna get him off my case unless I agree. "Fine then." I mumbled.
"What was that."
"I SAID FINE!" I yelled.
He grinned which made me hit him and then together we left the classroom and went to our common room. I walked straight passed Kayl and Livi, yelling 'night' over my shoulder before going up to my dorm. I made my way to my trunk and pulled out my fluffy purple pyjamas and some warm socks before going to the bathroom and taking a lot hot shower.
Why does Hugo want me and Jake to talk. Yeah I get it they're best mates but does he not get it. I can't do this on my own, this baby deserves better than two sixteen year old's who have no qualification, no jobs and no money. They need someone who will look after them, love them and provide everything for them. Why can't people get that.
After I got out and put my warm pyjamas' on, I snuggled down in my lovely warm bed. Before I fell asleep, I pulled my scan photo and the Hamilton's picture out of my small bag and put them under my pillow before drifting off into a deep sleep.
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