Chapter 12 : The Fear
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This was fast becoming dangerous though. I should never have let it continue after the Halloween dance. I knew, once I saw that jealousy, that Sirius was feeling more than just physically attracted to me. And now, I was beginning to find myself feeling the same way.
When he’d flirt with other girls, take them out on a date to Hogsmeade, or give another girl more time than he gave me. I’d feel a surge of jealous anger. And that, was no good.
We had been spending so much time together recently. But people (James, Lily, Remus and Peter) just thought we were finally getting along. We’d go for walks around the lake, and one time a gaggle of girls actually followed us, probably making sure Sirius was still up for grabs. And I mean, technically, he was. I had no claim over him, and he knew it. But when I asked him one time why he wasn’t hooking up with anyone else he just leaned in, kissing me lightly on the lips and said: “Because you’re the only one that I want”. And you know what? I didn’t even gag. In fact, I leaned into his lips and gave him a long kiss.
Like I said, dangerous. I couldn’t let myself get attached the way I felt myself doing. But every time I went to break it off, he’d kiss me, and my resolve would melt. He just fit perfectly with me. He had a sense of humor that I found to be the funniest of anyone I knew. He kissed me, and every part of my body felt like it was on fire, but in a good way. And when he told me how much he liked me, my entire face broke into a smile, and I couldn’t keep the warm tingling from creeping through my body.
He was good too. A good person I mean. He told me all about how his family treated him, how his mother would scream and his father would hit. He told me how worried he was for his brother, and how he would do anything to keep him from joining up with He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named. Sirius was brave too. I can’t even bring myself to say the Dark Lord’s name, and Sirius not only throws it around, but plans on joining the resistance the moment he leaves Hogwarts.
Going against his family, sticking to his beliefs, and going through all he’s gone through? I mean, you can’t even imagine a more wonderful person. Sometimes I loose myself thinking about him, but when I snap out of it, I realize how dangerous the situation is. Though he’s almost perfect, despite the fact that I think he loves me for real, if he ever decided to leave me, well, it would break me apart. It would destroy me.
He was holding my hand as we walked around the lake one evening. It was just after dinner, so my body was filled with that warm, content feeling you get after a good meal. That, combined with the fact that Sirius had his hand entwined in mine, well, let’s just say I was in heaven.
“But then, my cousin Andromeda, hit her! Right in the face, you should have seen Bella, her face got all red and angry and I thought she was gonna use the killing curse on her, I swear. But instead she just stormed out. Probably because with me there she was outnumbered, and if she so much as touched my favorite cousin she was going to be dead and she knew it.” I smiled at this.
“I’m glad you have at least one family member who thinks like you do. I wish I knew Andromeda better.”
“Maybe someday you will. If you ever felt the bizarre need to meet my family that is.” He said it kind of off handed, but even the subtle hint at me meeting his parents, at us having a future, jarred me into the past.
It was a breezy day, and Colton and Bee were climbing the hill behind Bee’s house. After Colton had told her he loved her, he had been hinting at sleeping together. But Bee, still unsure, had told him no, over and over again.
“Bee, tomorrow night you can come home and meet my family, and my mother will love you! Just like I do.” He kissed the top of her head lightly.
“Yes! I know she will. My dad might get on your case a little about going to school out of the country, and he’ll want to know all about it, but that shouldn’t be too hard.” Bee squirmed a little. She still had yet to tell Colton about her secret. She wanted to wait until she was sure he loved her. And even though he had said it a dozen times, she still wasn’t sure.
“Bee, you need to learn to trust my words a little more.”
“But Colton, honestly, we’re so young, I mean, meeting your parents, talking about” She dropped her voice. “sex? These are adult things.”
“Bee, we’re almost adults. Just a few more years, so I don’t understand what the hold up is. Why can’t we move fast? What’s so wrong with that? What do you have to loose?” And at that point, she didn’t have an answer for him. Because she didn’t realize that the answer was her heart.
“Bee? You alright? You zoned out for a minute there.”
“Oh, sorry. You just reminded me of someone.”
“Someone dashing and wonderful I hope.” Sirius grinned, pulling me to his side. I smiled weakly.
“Kind of.” Was all I could say.
“Let’s get inside. The others should be getting down for dinner and we need to go meet them.”
Colton just sat there, looking at her. He didn’t wear that same warm smile he used to, nor did he even seem to want her near him.
“Colton, weren’t we going to meet your family today?” Bee asked gently, trying to prod him into reacting to her presence.
“No, I don’t think so.”
“But, I bought a new dress yesterday and everything,”
“I know, you dragged me to every stupid fucking store Braxtany.” Now officially put off by his tone and his attitude, Bee was ready to turn around and give him the day to cool off and figure out this new mood.
“Right, well. Call me when you feel like having me meet your parents.”
“Don’t hold your breath.” Colton sneered.
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“It means we’re done Braxtany. It means I don’t want you anymore. It means that you should leave me the fuck alone from here on out.”
I lay there in bed, trying to wash the tears of hurt out of my eyes. The ones that seemed to appear every time I thought of that day. Even now, two years later, his words stung me.
And they were exactly the words I knew Sirius would say the moment he was bored with me. Sirius had been reminding me of Colton so much lately. I knew it was only a matter of time until he broke my heart too. Because, no matter how much I had tried to fight it, Sirius was embedded in my heart. And he could certainly break it.
The moment after I had given Colton my virginity he had turned on me. And sure, Sirius didn’t have that, but he did have my heart, and I had a feeling he was beginning to see that. So I needed to break this off before he had a chance to break me. For real this time, I was going to do it. Only just this evening at dinner, he was making not so subtle comments that alluded to our little dalliance. This was fast growing into something I didn’t want, nor something I could handle.
We lay there on the grassy pitch, my head on his chest, his hand running through my hair. I had meant to break it off tonight, I really had. But he was being so sweet, and I liked him so much.
“But see,” Sirius whispered, pointing to the sky. “That’s my star, you know, the one I was named after. I can’t believe I never showed you that before.”
“It’s so weird that everyone in your family is named after a star.” I commented. He just shrugged.
“Yeah I guess. When I have kids their never going to have weird names. Normal ones, like Oliver or Issac.”
“I’m never going to have kids.” I muttered. “I’m not bringing another human into this world. With He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, and the Deatheaters and the rest of the world just going to shit? No way.”
“But I want kids.” I looked at him like he was crazy.
“Then have some? All I’m saying is I’m not.” He flushed a little, and I realized what he was getting at.
“Sirius.” I cautioned.
“Look, Bee, I can’t help it if I look toward the future when I’m with you. and I can’t stop wanting you in it. Who knows, maybe you’ll come around.” I melted a little at this. He wanted me in his future? He wanted me to be the mother of his children? Half of me wanted to leap for joy, the other half wanted to run. The part that wanted to run won the battle. I sat up.
“Stop! Stop saying things like that! Sirius, I can’t, and I won’t commit to anything with you. Not only are you flightily and untrustworthy, but I have my own commitment issues, and you well know about them.”
“Bee, I just thought,” He said, pushing into a sitting position.
“Well you thought wrong! Look. This is probably as good a time as any to do this. I think we should be done. For real this time. No more ‘just one more week’. I mean for real, done. Forever. Okay? I’m calling it off.” And with that I stood up from the grass and took off running toward the castle before I could start crying.
“Bee?” I heard it from the wall. Someone knew I was in here.
“Bee?” I heard again. It was Remus. I willed a door to appear for him and he walked in.
“Hiding out in the room of requirement?” Remus asked lightly, thankfully ignoring my tear stained face.
“You know me, avoiding homework at all costs.” He smiled weakly and came to sit with me on the couch by the fire I had conjured.
“Bee, you need to tell me what’s been going on between you and Sirius. He comes into the room tonight, looking ready to kill, then I find you in here, crying. Are you two together? Is that what this is about?” I looked up into Remus’s eyes, they were comforting and reassuring. I started crying again.
“Oh, Bee, please don’t.” Remus sighed, pulling me into his chest and letting me sit there, crying into his shirt.
“Tell me.” He demanded. I wanted to. I had felt so guilty and horrible and plain sick to my stomach all month. It was time, especially since I had ended it two nights ago and was currently feeling sad and confused, which frightened and confused me even more.
“Fine.” I whispered. “I’ll tell you.” And I did. And it felt good. At the end Remus just held me close and I found myself sobbing into his arms.
This is a filler chapter really, if you can't tell. Sorry it wasn't long, a new one should be up soon! Please, please, please review!
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