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Dating for Idiots by KatnissMalfoy
Chapter 4 : arrows.
Rating: MatureChapter Reviews: 1

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"Get up, dipshit!" was probably not the best thing to wake up to. Then again, you're probably not Percy Weasley, who indeed is a sarcastic dipshit, and has three mates who kind of like him (more like they tolerate his presence).

Penelope Clearwater, his once-girlfriend-and-now-bro, started hitting him with a pillow. She and Percy both loved Muggle artefacts such as refrigerators and Doctor Who, but she was slightly saner than him, and probably more socially awkward.

Rolf Scamander, who had now become attached to Percy's hip like some sort of puppy or a Siamese twin, was yelling "Engorgio!" at pillows to try and smother Percy. He loved dark humour, murders, and butterflies.

Oliver Wood, who was as daft as he was good looking, was launching pillows across the room, some hitting Percy, others flying out the window and hitting Percy's crabby neighbour, who in turn was cursing in Russian and shaking his fist and a rolling pin at Oliver.

"Sweet Hippogriffs, what are you--" Percy was cut off by a flying pillow, leaving a gash by his red-brown hair.


"Woohoo!" Penelope yelled, once all the feathers were cleaned up and the police had left, "It's the big day today! Date night!"

"More like date day," said Percy grumpily, trying to stop Penelope from rearranging his messy hair. "Ow!" he yelped. "Hands off, woman!"

"I do what I want!" she returned, trying to put a stand of hair in place. Percy obliged.

"What have you got planned today? Besides, of course, pulling my hair out of its sockets."

"Er, not much, just going to the uni for summer school, and waiting tables at the Leaky Cauldron."

"It's Friday," Rolf said, who almost lived in Percy's flat these days, even though they met roughly four days ago. "Aren't you lot going to Oliver's match?"

"Oh, you're right! Olive and I are such good friends, and I just love sports, and I totally understand the game of Quiddich!" Percy said, rolling his eyes and remembering yesterday when Wood forced him, Rolf, and Penelope to run.

"I'm sure Oliver would really appreciate my presence." Penelope said harshly, her normally soft blue eyes turning dark, "He'd really get a kick out of one of his bros coming to the match." she looked away and started lazily flicking her wand, cleaning Percy's plates. "Accio!." she yelled.

"I sense both of you are being sarcastic," Rolf said, as a large bag of cat food hit him in the head.

"Oh dear." Percy said.

"That was on purpose." Penelope said with a quick grin.

"Good aim." Percy checked Rolf's pulse. "He'll be fine."

"Just leave him," said Penelope, who was simultaneously hexing Rolf's sideburns purple and getting her purse. "Come on, we're going shopping."

"Accio Sherlock!" he yelled, as his sleek black cat flew through room and landed with a hiss on top of Rolf. "Ew. No."

"Shut up, we're going to Adidas, you need athletic shoes."

"Ahdee-DAHS? Is that new robe shop? What's wrong with Madame Maulkin's?"

"It's a brand, you twat, now hold my hand!"

"Might I ask why?"

"Apperation!" she yelled, they disappeared with a pop.


Percy admittedly was glad he had Penelope. What would he do if he were here in robes? Robes were what he wore to the Ministry. Robes were quite practical, even if they were a tad breezy downstairs. And, they were quite nice and certainly came in nice colours.

Muggles, however, didn't like people wearing robes. Percy wasn't sure why, but it seemed unacceptable to wear pointy hats, carry cats and toads, and send things letters via birds. Once, he did wear a robe in public, and h got spit on and was called a "hippie". Percy wasn't quite sure what a hippie was, but it did take some magicking to get saliva off a perfectly fine pair of glasses.

He did think that Muggles did have some useful things. Good TV shows, books, technology, and jumpers were all very nice. But to Percy, even if he did stay cuddled up watching the telly, the Wizarding world was quite nice and he swore never to leave it.

So why was a Pureblood like Percy doing in a shoe store? Simple. Penelope Clearwater.


"Try. This. On!" she growled.

"Pen, it looks odd!" Percy picked up a pair of lightweight running shoes and fingered them curiously.

Penelope waved for a store clerk to come over. "Hello, we were just trying to size him?" she said sweetly, quite unlike the Penelope that acted around Percy and Rolf. Percy observed her lips were a bit pinker, there was a bit of brown.. stuff around her eyes, and her lashes were thick and black. Makeup, the subconscious thought occurred to Percy, and he was scared how he knew that. Maybe from Ginny, who liked torture the family cat as a little girl with different smear-tactics. She never really was a cat person -- Percy just made that up.

"No problem!" the salesman chirped and smiled at Penelope, who grinned back. "Be right back."

"A word, please." Percy demanded as the gent disappeared. "Why are you acting so odd? Merlin's beard, you are wearing.. a dress! And.. makeup! And look at your hair!" Percy waved vaguely at her blonde locks. "And you're acting NICE!"

Penelope shrugged. "So my hair straight and I'm wearing mascara. What's the problem? Did a house-elf yank your sock?"

"I know what this is about!" Percy yelled as several passerby gave them dirty looks.

Penelope stiffened. "What is it about, then?"

"Tell me the truth. Are we in a parallel universe right now?"

Penelope relaxed, and said, "No, but if we were, we wouldn't be able to prove it."

"Right." said Percy, finally content. "But how--"

"Shut it." Penelope whispered.

"We have these in a many sizes." salesman-gent-guy who Percy didn't like shoved some boxes towards him. "So just, er, tell me if you need any assistance."


"Sweet Hippogriffs, you didn't have to pay for those shoes!" Percy shrieked in spite of an effort to be manly.

"Yeah, well, you're rather horrible when it comes to Quid, so, I guess it worked out." Penelope stopped at the sidewalk. "I'd better go to my Greek class, I can't be late!"

"Can you help me get ready?" Percy blistered at the thought of him attempting to pick out an outfit for himself.

"You've got your loyal pet, Rolf, to do that for you. I wish I had one of those, they're pretty handy! Sorry, I've got a date, too."

Percy couldn't control himself. "With Oliver?"

"Negative," she said, stalking away. "I'm Oliver's best mate."


"So I lie to her? I tell her I work out? And I wear these running shoes and Muggle exercise gear?"

"Precisely." said Rolf. "Everyone's got a date but me. Even you!"

"What are you playing at? Wood's got himself a girlfriend?"

"Oh, besides him. Pen's dating some other bloke."

"So you've met him?" Percy asked.

"I've seen him once, he seems alright to me."

"I should be off, wish me luck!" Percy said.

"Cheers, mate." Rolf said as Percy left his flat to go to the park, but could distinctly hear Rolf laughing at him.

"Haters," mumbled Percy as he disappeared with a bang.


"Somewhere.. along.. here.." Percy mused, trying to sniff out where to go. Charlie told him the address of the park, but he didn't see anyone, until--

"Whoops!" a girl with dark hair and a weird satchel said, knocking Percy completely to the ground, where he laid in the fetal position."Percy?"

Oh, shit! Son of a bludger, what do I do? She knows me, and I'm on the cement, tucking my head in my arms, in a ball! I'll pretend I can't hear her, good idea, me!

"Apologies, you looked exactly how his brother said he would look like. I'll be off then!"

Dragon shit, it's Jenny! what shall I do? Oh, shameless me has no shame, I'll just get up and say.. what do I say, dammit!

Percy plucked himself off the ground. "Jenny? It's me, Percy."

Jenny, who assumed she mistook a person of questionable sanity for her date, turned around with nervous dark eyes.

"It's okay, I'm just tired, I just finished.. I just got done with my marathon training. That's why I'm sweaty." Percy hoped that a marathon was a sporting event, because Penelope's favourite retort was "who do you think I am, a marathon runner?", whenever she was too lazy to get up.

Jenny smiled. "Oh, a marathon? That's really impressive! Charlie did say you worked out."

"I do work out." Percy wondered how much he could keep this up. He could pretend to be athletic for only so long, until she opened he eyes and saw he was gangly and pale. In fact, he noted with displeasure, Jenny was probably more muscular than him. "But what are we doing?"

"My favourite thing in the entire world." Jenny grinned and grabbed Percy's arm, which was the most action he'd got in more than five years. "Besides reading."

Percy smiled back. "I love to read. I also love cats, swimming.. I also really like peanut butter. Nutella is also really tasty. Both of them together on a sandwich is like, the best thing ever."

"That's fantastic! I'm a total cat person too! I have Harper and Scott - my favourite authors."

Percy nodded, not getting the reference at all, but hoping she wouldn't know. "I have Sherlock, John, Lestrade, and Moriarty. As a wee lad, I had Boots, but he died after my brothers poisoned his food."

"I love Doyle's books! He is one of my favourites too!" Jenny said, still holding his hand as they walked through the park. "But what do you do? Besides running." She winked.

I work at the Ministry of Magic, I'm a wizard, and you're what we like to call a Muggle. "Oh, I'm a millionaire in disguise. You?"

"Studying English and Latin. I know, boring, but I love to write. Oh, we're here!"

Percy peered around the gate and started to put the pieces together. Large targets.. Bows and arrows sticking out of Jenny's bag.. That could only mean one thing..

"I'll have to pretend to be good at archery." Percy shook his head and smiled. "It'll be like Lord of the Rings, and I can pretend to be an elf! Fantastic!"


Jenny smiled and handed Percy his own bow. "Charlie said you were good."

Percy vowed to murder Charlie the next time he saw him.

"Right." Percy took a deep breathe as he mimicked Jenny. Arrow through shaft. Pull back. Hold onto arrow. Release. Jenny's arrow hit the middle of target with a thwack.

Just be like Hawkeye, he told himself, as Jenny hit the bullseye seven times in a row.

Pull back, release, and--

"Not good!" Percy yelled, suddenly realised what he'd done, but dropped the bow on himself. He cried warn Jenny, but there was no way to break her concentration. The rogue arrow spun out of control, bending left and--

Jenny shrieked with pain. Percy jogged towards her, but it was too late: the red arrow had already clipped her shoulder and lodged itself in her foot.

"Jenny!" he yelled. She turned around, rolled her eyes, and slapped him.


When Percy awoke later, he realised he had been beaten up by two girls in the past week. This thought deeply unnerved him.


"Let me get this straight," Charlie Weasley cackled, spitting his pumpkin juice all over Percy, who grudgingly wiped it away.

"So you told her you worked out, she took you to an archery range, and kicked your arse?"

Percy rolled his eyes. "It's not funny."

"Then," Charlie continued, his straight face breaking, "You did what?"

"I don't want to talk about it!" Percy yelled.

"What was that?" Charlie grinned.

"I shot her. Arrow to the foot. On accident, I swear!"

"Oh, dear. Don't shoot girls. They don't like it."

"I could tell. She screamed and yelled when I tried to yank it out, slapped me, and told me never to call her again."

"Smart girl."

"Yeah, well, I could've had a chance with her."

"Better than Frenchie?"

Percy wrinkled his nose. "Camille the boring French girl and Jenny the hunter. What could be worse? You know what, don't answer that."

Thanks to all who have reviewed! :D Every review means so much.
Who's your favourite character so far? :)
Well. So long and thanks for all the fish.

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