Chapter 35 : The definition of 'ok'
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marauders forever xx
Days turned into weeks and weeks stretched into months. Each day James grew quieter and each day Sirius' shoulders drooped a little more.
Lily started to look at James with massive puppy dog eyes and it felt like Sirius and I were drifting further and further apart.
"It's crazy how things have changed, isn't it?" I said softly one night while Sirius and I were having dinner in the kitchens.
"What do you mean?" He replied.
"Well, less than a year ago, you and James didn't even know my name and now you're my boyfriend. Lily couldn't stand the sight of James but now she looks at him adoringly but James most of the time doesn't even look at her twice," I said.
"I guess so," Sirius shrugged and looked at the house elf that came rushing past. I sighed.
"Don't you feel like we don't talk anymore?" I said softly- so softly that I thought Sirius hadn't heard me.
"Sirius?" I said.
"What would you like to talk about?" Sirius said stiffly. I blinked blankly at him.
"Anything," I said, "Everything."
"Well," Sirius said and looked at me, "That essay Slughorn set us is going to take us forever."
"Yeah. Do you want to work on it together?" I asked and looked hopefully at him. His eyes slid away from mine and onto the floor. "We don't have to if you don't want to."
"No!" Sirius exclaimed, "I do. It's just that..." I looked at him expectantly.
"It's just that..." he trailed off.
"You know what?" I said and pushed out my chair, "Forget it." I slapped my cutlery down and headed for the door.
"Rosie, wait!" Sirius said and grabbed my arm.
"For what, Sirius?" I said tiredly, "What would you like me to wait for, huh?"
Sirius looked taken aback and his mouth flapped open and closed but no sound came out.
"For us to finally be a proper couple?" I said and wrenched my arm out of grasp, "Because all it ever seems like is we fight and then make up and then fight some more."
"No, it's not-"
"Yes it is, Sirius!" I cut him off, "Just for once I would like to be able to look at you and not think about the next time we're going to fight about something!"
"Well, how do you think I feel, huh, Alexis?" Sirius yelled. His face was so close to mine I shrunk back, "How do you think I feel knowing that you're going to die young?"
"Shut up and listen!" He bellowed. When I didn't keep talking he continued, "My girlfriend can see the future. She knows that I'm going to go to Azkaban after he dies. She knows that Lily and James are going to have a happily ever after that is going to be cut short by the evil guy my family supports. HOW DO YOU THINK THAT MAKES ME FEEL?!"
Sirius' eyes bulged out. A sharp pain rain up my arm and I realised that he was gripping my arm again.
"You're hurting me," I whispered as I felt tears prick my eye lids. Sirius looked at his hand in surprise like he hadn't realised it was there. He let go of me
"I'm sorry if I spoilt all life's surprises for you but heads up, honey, I'm no-"
I was suddenly interrupted by a glass shattering scream.
Sirius and I looked up in surprise.
"Let me go!" Someone screamed.
It sounded like Lily.
I sat on my bed drawing random things aimlessly on my parchment. On the bed next to me, Remus was writing furiously. Sirius had disappeared off with Rosie somewhere.
I was insanely jealous of my best friend- he couldn't care less about his family and he was with the girl of his dreams.
I still loved Lily with the bottom of my heart but things had changed.
My father was dead, so was my unborn baby sister, my mum is in danger and I'm stuck here at school.
I often caught Lily looking at me and she'd quickly cover it up by looking away or smiling at me.
I should have cared. The girl I had loved for most of my life was starting to love me back but I just couldn't care less.
McGonagall had spoken to me privately on numerous occasions about my lack of homework and even Slughorn had commented on my inattentiveness in class.
The truth is that caring takes strength and strength is one thing I do not have right now. Just simply getting out of bed was a struggle, let alone dealing with school work and a certain fiery red head.
"Hey, Prongs?" Remus interrupted my thoughts.
"Yeah?" I said.
"Are you still going with Lily to the wedding?" He asked.
"I don't know, mate," I sighed. Remus fell silent, although I got the feeling he wanted to ask me something.
I lay in bed and stared blankly at the ceiling.
"James?" Remus asked.
"Are you ok?" He said and I felt his eye glance over in my direction.
The real problem was the definition of 'ok'. Fine could be 'yeah, just working on this fuck hard essay' or it could be 'just a bit tired?'or 'I'm in love' or it could even be 'I'm absolutely dying on the inside but I don't know what to do or how to say it so I'll just say ok instead'.
I bit the side of my lip and said,
"Yeah, I'm fine."
My lungs felt like they would explode as I sprinted down the corridor. I?d only heard the scream once but something told me it was more than just a 'Holy crap, it's a spider!' scream.
Sirius' long legs carried him swiftly down the hall: it didn?t even look like he was running.
We rounded a corner a second time just as a group of people came into view.
About 6 massive Slytherins had circled around someone or something- Lily. All heads turned to Sirius and I as we came around the corner.
I fumbled in my pockets to get my wand, taking my queue from Sirius who already had his aimed at the group.
"Let her go," Sirius growled.
"If you want her come and get her," one Slytherin growled. I realised it was Smith.
Before I knew what was happening, hexes and jinxes were flying in all directions.
6 Slytherins against Sirius. And me. But I wouldn?t call myself a top student at Defence.
Everything happened so quickly but at the same time it went in slow motion.
One moment we were just standing around like a mother's club and next thing I know I've thrown the first curse and I'm replied with six of them.
I was thrown in the deep end.
Somewhere between having nasty spells chucked at me, I managed a glance at Rosie. She was struggling to even hold off half of the hexes and other nasty things going her way.
I managed to look past the Slytherins and saw Lily curled up on the floor.
Fuck, what had they done to her?
I was suddenly ducked as something flew at my head. Great, now the Slytherins thought that throwing portraits would be a good idea.
I straightened up just in time to see Lily getting up slowly from the floor.
She straightened up and shoved her wand tip into the closest Slytherin's back. He collapsed straight away.
I got distracted as I saw out of the corner of my eye a portrait flying towards Rosie- a portrait that she did not see.
For a second a forgot that I was a wizard and screamed her name in warning. She glanced at me, just as the portrait smashed into her and she crumpled to the ground.
Sirius screamed my name, and I glanced at him- just in time to see a portrait that had detached itself from the wall slam into him.
From the corner of my eye, I saw something coming quickly towards me. I turned just in time to see the painting that crashed straight into me.
I opened my eyes and a crippling pain shot through my body. My vision blurred as tears welled up. I swiped them away and then, ignoring the pain, sat up.
Slughorn was crouching next to Lily, who was conscious. McGonagall was walking towards me while the 6 Slytherins as well as Rosie were nowhere in sight.
My brain went into full panic mode as McGonagall strode towards me. Usually you could tell what she was feeling but now all I could see was a blank mask.
"Mr Black," she started off grimly. The world spun as everything went in and out of focus. I blinked a few times and the fuzziness went away but I still had trouble concentrating on her words, "You and Miss Evans are to follow me."
I glanced over to Lily. Her face was white as a sheet and she looked like she was about to throw up.
"Now please, Mr Black," McGonagall said firmly. I picked myself off the floor unsteadily and followed her down the corridor. I could hear Lily and Slughorn following, some distance behind.
I could hear Slughorn talking to Lily. He saying shit like 'I'msure it's just a misunderstanding' and other words that I'm sure he thought were comforting to Lily. I wanted to turn around, slap him and tell him to shut up.
McGonagall lead us to the gargoyles that guarded Dumbledore's office and then told Slughorn that she could manage things from here. I heard Lily let out a sigh of relief as she watched him turn back down the hall.
"Dumbledore is waiting for you," McGonagall said before saying the password and leaving us to face the headmaster alone.
"Ladies first," I said groggily to Lily and gestured up the staircase. Lily shot me a look that I couldn't read before starting to climb the stairs.
I made it halfway up the stairs before everything started to spin. I grasped the banister to stop myself from falling.
"Are you okay?" Lily said and stopped walking.
"Yeah, fine,' I gasped as the stairs beneath my feet stopped moving, "Let's get this over and done with, yeah?"
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