Chapter 1 : You Were Always Loved
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Author’s Notes: So this is pretty sad as well. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, I’m just on a depressed/angst kick. If you care to review, please remember to be sensitive to the topic and mind what you’re saying, because even what can be thought as a harmless comment can really hurt others, even if you didn’t intend to hurt anyone. This is a very sensitive subject and should be approached with caution and sensitivity. Thank you for your consideration! Also the quote "I would die for you, but I won't live for you," is by Stephen Chbosky in the book The Perks of Being a Wallflower. That belongs to him. Hogwarts, or anything(one) you regonize belongs to JKR. The only thing I can claim is the plot and Taylor. May I also add that I didn't read the book until after i wrote this, haha!
The thin brunette girl stumbles into the Gryffindor common room. Blood is pouring from her pale pink lips, and her hands are shaking violently. She’s gasping for air and stumbling around. The sight of her is so shocking among the cheery Christmas decorations adorning the red and gold walls.
“Sirius,” she calls out in a shaky voice. She doesn’t worry about anyone unwelcome finding her; only Remus and Sirius had stayed during Christmas break.
Sirius comes darting out of the room, his black hair disheveled and his eyes red and swollen.
“Taylor!” he exclaims and rushes to her. She grabs his hands and steadies herself, and she’s moments away from a break down.
“My father,” she says quietly. Her lips quivers and the fright in her warm brown eyes is painfully obvious to Sirius.
He takes off his quidditch shirt that he had been sleeping in, and presses it gently to her busted lip. She begins calming in his presence, but every cell in her body still remains a live wire. She can feel the blood pouring out of her lip, and she begins to feel queasy as she observes the deep red liquid spreading through the white cloth of his shirt.
“I need to sit down,” she says, and he helps her to the couch. She sits down, and then he sits beside her and wraps his arm around her shoulder. She crawls into his lap, as Sirius pulls his wand out.
“Episkey,” he whispers, and her lip heals. She gives him a weak smile and pulls him closer. He sits in the silence seemingly alright, but inside he’s fuming. How he’d love to go see her father now and make him regret ever hurting the woman he loved. He would bust his lip, black his eyes, and bust his cheek open just as he had done to Taylor so many times before.
“I love you,” Sirius whispers after a moment. She squeezes his hand tightly and her brown eyes find his. She flashes him a sad smile, but she doesn’t reply. She never has.
Admitting to loving him was too risky, even if she did love him more than she thought she could.
She adjusts slowly to lay down on the small couch, and he mimics her. The couch is so small there isn’t the slightest bit of room between them. His arms slid around her waist, holding her tightly against him. He can feel her body shaking slightly still and he squeezes her tightly to him.
How badly he wants to beg her to eat something. He could almost feel the weight slipping off her. He had begged before, but to no prevail. Right under her skin, he could feel her bones weakening.
He squeezes her tighter to him, as if he could make it all better. And God, did he want to. He wasn't used to feeling like this and he couldn't quite place what made him like this. He loved her before she spilled her secrets to him, but after he loved her even more and felt a stronger need to protect her. Maybe it was her strong personality, or her laugh that made him love her. Even her pessismistic side Sirius loved. Even when things were bad, she held her chin high and next to nobody saw her cry. She had always been a strong person, even when that was the last thing he expected of her. She always managed to surprise him.
He remembers the day he noticed something, other than her father, was wrong.
The sunlight had been shining very brightly that day and it wasn’t terribly humid out. A homework free afternoon made it the best of days to practice before the game against Ravenclaw next week.
She had always been a skinny girl, but as Taylor walked onto the pitch and mounted her broom, he noticed the drastic amount of weight she had lost. Weight she really couldn’t afford to lose.
He flew over to her and made sure no one was in hearing range. She smiled at him brightly, her brown curls moved with the lightest of breezes.
“Are you feeling okay, love?” he asked quietly. She was obviously caught off guard for a moment, because her mouth opened as if she was going to say something, but no words came out. She shook her head slightly, and nods.
She flew away from him a few feet, but he followed. “You’re not telling me something,” he countered, giving her one last chance to confess the truth before he forced her hand.
“No, there’s nothing to tell,” she snapped. Her brown eyes pierced him, but he does didn’t falter.
“What is up with you losing so much weight? It looks like you’ve lost fifty pounds, Taylor Cassie!” he barked under his breath.
The rest of the them was had been hard at work practicing, but their encounter hadn’t gone unnoticed.
“It’s nothing,” she cried and took off away from him. He sighed and the unfaltering feeling of guilt and concern creeped into him. He watched her take her position as keeper, but he knew with all the weight loss there was no way she would be able to keep playing.
She didn’t have the strength to keep playing, and bludgers throw had been enough to knock her off her broom easily.
As the captain, Sirius had to cut her from the team.
“I’m sorry baby,” he whispers after a moment. She doesn’t respond but she wishes she would.
She purses hers lips, desperately wanting to tell him everything. To beg him to take her far, far away from this place. From that place. From everyone she knew, except for him. The only one she needs is him.
“Take me away, Sirius,” she cries softly. Her voice quivers as does her lip, and the tears fall freely down her face.
“I will, I will! I’ll leave my family…I’ll get a job and we can get a flat somewhere. We can drop out, Taylor. I’ll do it for you,” he whispers desperately. The love and concern in his voice is breaking through all the walls she’s ever put up, and breaking her heart. She flips onto her other side with a bit of difficulty to face him.
“You would do that for me?” she whispers. He wipes away her tears gently, his eyebrows furrowed together, and his lips pressed together in a tight line of worry.
He wants to crush her fragile, shaking body to his. He wants to protect her from all the evils and make her forget all the bad memories she’s ever had. Replace them all with happy ones: ones with him.
“Of course I would. I love you.”
She lets the words sink in, her heart warming slowly with the sincere gleam in his eyes. She leans in hesitantly and presses her lips to his.
When she pulls away, he sighs. “Let’s get some sleep,” she smiles weakly. The smile in her eyes was gone, just as it had been for the past couple months.
When he wakes up, the first thing he notices is her warm body missing. He jolts up and a piece of parchment falls from his chest. With a knot in his stomach, an ache in his chest, and shaking fingers, he unfolds the parchment.
My dearest love,
I do love you. The thought that you would abandon your life and your friends for me makes me realize just how much I love you.
I realize I never said this to you while you were conscious, but I’m saying it now.
I think you’re a wonderful person, Sirius. You will do great things in life, I’m sure.
But I have one single request for you. Don’t cry for me. Live your life like you would if I was still here. I love you so much, Sirius. Please don’t ever forget. Be happy.
I love you. I feel as though I can’t say that enough.
I would die for you, but I won’t live for you.
As much as I will miss you, I can’t do it anymore. Stay strong, Sirius. Continue to laugh, to cry, to love. I love you. Please don’t ever forget my love for you.
All my love,
The parchment falls from his hands and the bloods feels as though it’s gone ice cold. His breath catches in his throat and he jolts up, his body numb.
‘Please, no Taylor, please. Please. Let this be a nightmare! Or a joke, yes a joke! Please don’t let this be real,’ he pleads inside his head. His heart thumps painfully in his chest as he searches the common rooms then the dormitories. Remus isn’t in his bed either.
He sprints back down the stairs as the panic leaks into his muscles. The adrenaline pumps through him and it’s making him shake. He goes to open the portrait, but it swings open before him. Remus stands in front of him with sad blue eyes.
Sirius halts in his tracks, shaking his head in disbelief. “No,” he whispers. His knees threaten to give out under him.
“Sirius, I’m so sorry,” Remus says quietly. Dumbledore steps out from around Remus, and Sirius finally falls to the cold floor.
“Taylor no, please. Taylor,” he begs and his shoulders begin to shake with sobs. The tears run freely down his face.
Sirius continues crying, screaming, and begging, but he makes no move to stand. Remus silently sits down beside him with bright tears glistening in his eyes.
Dumbledore stands watching the friends cry together and grief twists his heart. Even in such a dark moment, he clearly recognizes the brotherly love and strength in their friendship as Remus puts a hand on Sirius’ shoulder.
“It’ll be okay,” Remus whispers quietly. Sirius begins to cry harder.
“No! it’s not! It’s not, Remus! It won’t ever be okay! I knew she was hurting! I knew she was in pain! I knew she wasn’t eating! I knew her father was abusing her! I should have helped her more, I should have done something! Anything!” Sirius screams.
“It wasn’t your fault, Sirius. You didn’t know. You thought she was getting better. She didn’t show anyone how truly hurt and sad she was. It isn’t your fault.”
Just when he thought he couldn’t feel any worse, or cry any more tears, of choke out another sob, he proves himself wrong.
6 Months Later
Sirius sat on the ground, with his back resting up against the back of her headstone. He held a bouquet of purple daisies in his hand with his knees pulled up to his chest.
He comes here everyday, but it never has become any easier.
The summer air is humid and sticky on his skin and the setting sun’s light shines brightly on his face. The dark green grass and the different shades of green leaves ruffle in the breeze.
“Hey Taylor,” he says awkwardly and stiffly. He sighs and the tears leak down his face. “I miss you. I wish you were here, I would give anything for you to be happy and smiling again.”
He sets the flowers down beside him and digs his hand in his pocket. He pulls out a simple, silver band and holds it tightly in his clenched fist.
“This,” he struggles to say through his tears and the sobs struggling to free themselves from his chest, “is for you. It’s…It’s a promise ring. I know its late baby, I know. But here it is. It’s a symbol of my promise to you.”
He lets a few sobs out and wipes at his tears.
“I promise you that I will never love anyone like I love you. I never will. No one’s like you. No one could ever make me forget you. I love you more than anything, Taylor… Why did you leave me?”
He waits patiently, as though he would get an answer. He waits for her soft voice to come to him, carried by the soft wind, but nothing does.
“I’m so sorry I didn’t help you. I would give anything to go back. I would have made everything better. I was trying, I really was.”
“I will love you everyday, for as long as I live. And when I die, I’ll love you even more. I can’t wait to see you again. Everyday is a challenge without you. I hope everything is so much better for you, and I’m so –“ he chokes on his sobs midway through his sentence and he struggles to continue, “I’m so sorry you had to leave. I should have made everything okay. I am so sorry.”
“You were so beautiful. You were so strong. Didn’t you know how much I love you? Why wasn’t that enough, Taylor?”
He waits again, but still no answer comes. He sighs, and places the simple silver band inside the bouquet.
He stands up and slowly begins walking away from her grave. He stops suddenly and looks over his shoulder at her headstone.
“You were always loved Taylor,” he whispers.
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