THROAT PUNCH. That’s what I want to do to Nanners right now. As sneaky and manipulative as I am, he’s sneakier and more manipulative. How he’s a Ravenclaw, I have no idea. Maybe the stupid sorting hat mistook cleverness for smarts.
I have spent two hours crouched in a prickly old bush, because I knew it was along his walking path, but today, he hasn’t walked by. Every day since first year he’s walked this exact path. EVERY FREAKING DAY. But I think he’s caught on to the fact I’m stalking Brunette Girl. I followed her around yesterday wearing a hat and moustache, but I forgot I was wearing it and followed her into the girl’s lavatory. Some firstie yelled “RAPE” and I got chased down the hall by a stampede of girls. I eventually hid in a broom closet and removed my disguise before nonchalantly strolling back down the hallway. I decided I needed to re-evaluate my plan before getting myself almost killed again. So, that’s why I thought this bush-hiding would be brilliant, but either Nanners has caught on to my sneaky stalking or he’s got distracted by something else. Great.
I noticed Brunette Girl walk by with a few of her friends. They seemed respectable. No whore-y slutbags. That’s a plus. As I stared at her, I felt someone tap my shoulder and I nearly shit a brick.
“HOLY SHIT YOU WANKER I’LL SLICE YOUR JUGULAR WITH AN ORANGE PEEL, GET AWAY!” I yelled and the person jumped back, startled by my outburst.
“Sorry!” they croaked out.
I turned to see the greenest of green eyes that I have ever seen. My stomach turned into a pretzel. Al. Bloody. Potter.
“Oh, sorry Al! I didn’t know it was you. You just scared me a little.”
He laughed, “Yeah, I’d say so. What are you doing spying on Lydia Franklin?”
“Lydia Franklin, the brunette girl, why were you looking at her?”
How the hell did he know I called her Brunette Girl? I only call her that in my head. Oi! Albus! Get the hell out of my head!
“Yeah, I’m pretty sure you were.”
“Fine, you pushy prat, I’ll tell you. I think my friend has a crush on her, okay?!”
Albus stared at me and just shook his head, “Then why don’t you just go talk to her like a normal person?”
Talk? What’s that?
“Umm, spying is easier…I guess.”
“So, crouching in a bush is easier than actually going up to her and saying, ‘Hi, my friend likes you, wanna go with him to Hogsmeade?’”
I stared at him. Shit. Why did he have to be so intelligent.
“Shut up,” I said and he laughed.
“You really are a wonky girl, you know that, right?”
YES I KNOW THAT YOU STUPID SHIT. I’VE KNOWN THAT SINCE THE DAY I ESCAPED MY MOTHER’S WOMB.
“Obviously. You have seen the type of crap I do.”
“I’ve seen you tackle people down staircases! Mike tells me all the stuff you and Robyn come up with. I think it’s brilliant!”
I choked. OH MY GOD. AL THINKS I’M BRILLIANT. I THINK I MIGHT CRY. ALBUS POTTER THINKS THAT I AM FREAKING AWESOME. MY LIFE IS NOW COMPLETE.
As I had a mild panic attack, Brunette Girl AKA Lydia Franklin, spotted us huddled in a bush and began talking loudly.
“Oi! Is that Al Potter and that freaky girl in a bush together?! What a whore!”
Crowds of people turned to see me and Albus sitting in that stupid shit bush within close proximity of one another and of course because people have nothing better to do with their lives, I knew that the rumours were going to pour out. Albus turned to me and gave me this apologetic look and took off, leaving me sitting on the ground, alone.
“That idiotic prick did what?!” Robyn screeched and she kicked a twelve year old in the face. The kid started crying and ran off. I think Robyn needs to learn how to control her “anger reflexes” as she calls them.
“He just left me sitting in the bush. No big deal, really. He probably had to go do homework or something.” I explained and Robyn rolled her eyes.
“IT IS A BIG DEAL. HE’S AN ASSHOLE.”
I looked at Mike who was sitting near us uncomfortably and he just shrugged. What does a shrug mean? You don’t know? You don’t want to say? Your mother is a giant cactus who enjoys preying on underage leprechauns? WHAT?
“He was probably just uncomfortable about the situation, Robyn,” Mike said and she shot him a look of pure death.
“Would you have done that?!” she bellowed.
“I-er-no, of course not.”
I giggled as Mike flailed under the glare of my best friend. Flailed. I love that word. It reminds me of a fish jumping out of a pond and slapping someone in the face. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Oh, sorry. That just gave me a funny mental picture. Fish. Slapping. Face. HAHAHAHA. Cough. Sorry, I’ll stop now.
“And the worst part is that Nanners has a crush on a stupid lying rumour bitch face slut cat joey applesauce monkey yodeler.” I said and Robyn stopped her yelling.
“A stupid lying bitch face slut cat jo—“
“I HEARD WHAT YOU SAID, DUMMY. Nanners likes her?”
Crap. That was probably supposed to be a secret.
“HAHAHA NO! Where’d you get that from? Pft. Haha. Jeez. No!” I began to splutter.
“Why would you think? You? Robyn? NO! He’s Nan. She’s not like. Ravage. Sausages.” I spluttered some more.
Her glare worsened.
“Lydia? Brunette? NAW! Not the Nan. Fish cakes! Ridiculous floppy fish cakes! Rage filling! That’s what that is! RAGE!” My sputtering continued.
“ALICIA!” she warned and I broke.
Robyn stopped, dropped, and rolled. Just kidding. But she did burst into a hysterical laughter. A maniacal laughter. A raging, over the top, possessed by demons laughter.
Mike cut in, “Maybe you just think you saw him staring. Maybe it was a casual glance.”
“You’re a casual glance!” I retorted.
“Uh, good one? No seriously, maybe you should actually ask him about it before jumping to conclusions and frolicking in bushes.”
Maybe Kerf wasn’t a dumb shitter. I’m glad that he evolved from the apes. I really am.
After Robyn calmed down and we gave her a protein shake, I decided to talk to Nanners. Really. Talk. I know, I know. It’s surprising that I don’t make up some crazy plan that lands me in a bush looking like a tool while Lydia Franklin thinks I’m seducing Albus Potter. Not this time. I’m going to be a natural human being and chat.
“Nanners!” I called out and he spun around like a ballerina. Just kidding…maybe.
“Hey, Vivo, what’s up?”
I decided just to spit it out. Do it quick. Like ripping off a band-aid of death.
“DO YOU LIKE LYDIA FRANKLIN?!”
“Whoa, calm down, Vivo. Where’d you get that from?”
“You looked at her in potions.”
“I looked at her? Well, probably! I look at everyone.”
“But you lingered!”
“There was no lingering, you nut! I literally looked at her for one millisecond and you spazzed out! I don’t like her, I think she’s is rude and looks like Rosie O’Donnell.”
LOL! That’s so true! Oh, Nanny Boy, why would I ever think you liked her? Oh right, because I jump on the conclusion train faster than you can say “velociraptors on crack”. Silly me.
“Oh, sorry! I just—“
“You sat in a bush all day didn’t you?” he said laughing. I HATE HOW HE KNOWS ME SO WELL!
He giggled like a little schoolgirl and hugged me. It’s relieving to know that some things will never change.
A/N: Hello my dears! I want to thank LittleLionGirl, AlbusPotter123456789123456789, and Lexi Black for reviewing in general and on top of that leaving the best reviews I've ever seen in my life! I want to thank you and dedicate this chapter to you guys for motivating me so much! It's reviews like these that keep me writing this psycho story. LOVE YOU GUYS TONS!