“That bipolar git!” I exclaim as I punch my pillow.
I fall back and my head nearly hits the foot board of my bed. I feel tears sting my eyes, but I blink them back, I wasn’t crying over him. Rose comes over and sits on the edge of my bed.
“What happened?” She asks
I exhale, and sit back up.
“We were talking and he was distant and angry, but then he practically said he loved me. I just want to punch something. Why can’t he pick one emotion and stick to it? I’ve been pretty stuck to anger, maybe he should try it!” I say punching the pillow again.
I take a deep breath trying to calm myself, and I kicked the pillow off the bed. I just wanted him to stop, to stop talking to me, to stop caring about me, to stop breaking my heart, and to stop breathing. I want to get over him in peace, and I want him to get over me. Life would be so simple that way, so easy, like it was before all of this.
“Do you want me to beat him up?” Rose asks hopefully.
“No, because then he would get even more attention, and I’m sure he would love that.” I say “Stupid attention whore.”
Rose laughs and says “No, just stupid man whore.”
I smile a little, glad that someone besides me would say that. I’m about to tell Rose that I really appreciate her being there for me, when there was a knock on the door. Rose gets up and opens it.
Kylie, Sirius’ girlfriend, stood there looking a little lost.
“I’m sorry this is a bad time.” She says turning around.
I realize I look like I’ve been crying, she probably thinks it’s over Sirius. It is over Sirius…
“No,” I say standing up. I recognize that look in her eye, it’s the look every girl has when she’s just been with Sirius. Stupid man whore.
“It’s just that I wanted to tell you that you need to give him a break.” She says turning back around.
Rose and I stare at her as if she just spontaneously combusted.
“I’m sorry, who are you talking about?” Rose asks still staring at her.
She takes a deep breath and walks into the room, flinching a little as she passes Rose. I don’t really blame her; Rose might actually have hit her if she had said what I think she’s about to.
“Sirius,” She says “And before you yell or hit me, he really loves you, and James just punched him for talking to you again today-“
“Damnit James that’s my job!” Rose interrupts.
“-and I know that this must sound weird coming from me, but Thea, he really loves you.” Kylie finishes.
I think about this some, and laugh a little.
“I don’t know what potion you’ve been given but, obviously who ever gave it to you is not your friend, and you should go to the hospital wing.” I tell her as I stand up.
“Thea, I know you either hate me, or think I’m stupid, I heard about everything between you a Sirius, and I know he loves you. You can’t keep doing this to him.” She says
“Well what if I don’t love him?” I ask walking over to her.
She laughs now, a short little laugh. She rolls her eyes and shakes her head.
“Just because he’s Sirius Black doesn’t mean she loves him.” Rose says sounding very unamused.
“No, it doesn’t, but I’ve seen the way you two are when you’re even in the same room as the other. I know what I saw, and I know you love him. So I don’t see why you are torturing each other this way.” Kylie says.
“You know I talked to Sirius earlier today, and we talked about this. You are the reason.” I say “Well it won’t always be you; it will be whatever girl he’s with for the week. Because that’s who Sirius is, he cares, I know that, but not enough, and he’s more scared of getting hurt than he cares for anyone. So don’t try to tell me that I’m hurting him, don’t come in here and accuse me of being in the wrong.”
“He’s not going to be like that with you, he wasn’t before.” Kylie says trying to sound superior.
“You don’t know anything about my relationship with Sirius.” I tell her.
I don’t want to look at her, not with that look of love, while she tells me that I should love the guy she is dating. I turn and walk out of the room; I just want to get away from everything that reminds me of him. Not that that’s even possible, this whole school reminds me of him. I settle down in the Common Room deciding that most of my memories here are of friends, so it’s safe enough.
I see Remus sitting on the other side of the room, and I wave but don’t move, that’s the couch that Sirius and I usually sat on. Over in this corner is where Lily and I used to sit and talk, before me and Rose got closer, and she and James started dating. I miss second year when all of us were just kids, and nothing was this hard, and nothing hurt like this. I miss our biggest problem being potions essays.
“Hey, Thea” He says bringing me out of my thoughts.
“Why can’t you just not be here for an hour, Sirius? Can you not give me an hour of peace?” I ask feeling over whelmed again.
He sits down on the floor next to me, and starts rubbing my back, I want to protest, but I don’t, because I’m a terrible person. I lean into his shoulder, and start thinking of things to yell at him, because I’m so confused by everything.
“Do you remember when we first met?” Sirius asks me.
“Yes,” I say “of course, we were on the train heading towards our first year.”
He laughs a little, and nods. I pull away so I can look at him, he isn’t looking at me, he’s looking over at the wall, smiling. I want to know what he’s thinking of, and I want to know if Kylie was telling the truth. If I told him I loved him, what would he say? If I kissed him, would he kiss back? If I told him to get over me, would he? I want the answer to all of those questions to be yes, because I love him, and I want him to let me go.
“The first time I saw you was on the platform when you and James were saying bye to your parents.” He says “I remember that your mom hugged James for like a full five minutes and then just patted your head. I thought that maybe we were alike, my mom at that point still liked me some, but I knew it wouldn’t last long, so I wanted to befriend you. I found where you were sitting, with your brother, a girl with red hair, and a boy with greasy black hair. I took the only open seat the one next to your brother, and I tried talking to you. But you ignored me, and instead favored Lily, but James started talking to me.”
I remember all of that too, with a little less clarity than he seems to have.
“Why does any of that matter?” I ask
“Because soon we will be starting our last year, and I don’t want you to keep favoring Lily.” He says finally looking at me.
I’m not entirely sure that what I felt in that moment can be explained, it was like I was hit by a train, but it didn’t hurt, it just went through me. I started laughing, and I don’t know why, but my laughs turned into tears. Soon I couldn’t stop them, I didn’t want to, I just for that moment wanted to show people that I was weak, and I wanted Sirius to be there for me. I wanted to stop being so stubborn, and I wanted to let myself fall in love.
“Thea are you okay?” Sirius asks sounding worried.
I smile, and wipe away a few tears. I feel so free, and I don’t know why.
“No,” I laugh “for the first time, no I’m not okay.”
Sirius looked really confused, and I smiled wider. It’s hot in here, actually hot in here, I realize. I roll up the sleeves on my hoodie and I smile at Sirius.
“No, I’m not okay, and it’s the best thing in the world to say. I’m actually not okay.” I laugh “It’s kind of liberating to say that.”
Sirius laughs a little and pulls me to my feet, I don’t resist because I know I’m a complete mess. He walks me up the stairs to his room, and I fall back onto the nearest bed. I laugh, and I know I sound like a lunatic.
“Thea, did anyone give you anything to eat or drink?” He asks sounding freaked out.
“I’m not drugged!” I exclaim “God, Sirius I’m happy for the first time in so long I’m actually happy! This is the best I’ve felt since I was a kid!”
I sit up and look around; there is a picture of Rose, Sirius and I next to the bed, on top of a stack of book, so this is Remus’. Next to it is James, then Peter then Sirius. I smile; I never actually pay any attention to thing when I’m up here. My brother has a picture of me and Lily when we were thirteen, we both look terrible. Peter has food stashed away everywhere and a pile of untouched books. Sirius, though he’s different. The other boys have clues to who they are around there spaces, but Sirius doesn’t. No pictures of family, or friends, no books, not even a stray candy wrapper, just two little boxes.
“Are those the Christmas presents?” I ask walking over to take a closer look.
“Yes,” Sirius says sounding ashamed.
“Let’s open them.” I suggest feeling a little more like myself. “When I got this for you I actually meant for you to have it, you know, not just keep it wrapped in a box.”
I toss him his box, and sit down on his bed. He joins me and motions for me to go first.
“I’ve waited months to see the look on your face, I’m not waiting any longer.” He says sounding nervous.
I tear off the paper in a matter of seconds, and I’m left with a small box left to open.
“Before you open it, if you hate it, blame Lily.” He says putting his hands over mine.
I smile, and we open the box together. I think I gasp, but I’m in too much shock to tell. It’s the necklace, the one I’ve wanted for years, the one that’s stupidly expensive.
“You like it right?” He asks leaning out so he can see the look on my face.
“Yes,” I say only managing one word.
I’m vaguely aware of Sirius putting the necklace on me. I know I’m probably smiling like an idiot, but I can’t seem to stop. I look over at Sirius, and turn to completely face him.
“You look beautiful,” he says smiling.
Suddenly I can’t take it anymore, I can’t feel like this. I don’t want to sit here and know that Sirius loves me, but know that he doesn’t realize that I love him back. So I just kiss him.
He pulls back, and puts his hands on my shoulders.
“You know when people say ‘I could just kiss you’ to someone after they do something nice for them, they don’t actually mean it.” He says looking confused, and hurt.
I felt my cheeks turn a little red “Sirius, I-“
“Don’t Thea, just let me open this.” He says picking up the box.
I think about the amazing gift the he bought me, and I’m ashamed of the one I got him. I am flat broke, so I went with a more sentimental approach. I watch Sirius open the box and pull out the gift.
“You got me a book.” He says sounding confused.
I take the gift from his hands.
“I made you a photo album,” I say embarrassed “I didn’t know what to get you, and I really don’t have that much money. I know that this place is like your home, and everyone here, like James, and Remus and Peter are pretty much your family. So I thought since next year is our last year maybe you would want to have a way of looking back at these memories. And I have a lot of pictures of everyone, so Rose and I made this.” I say all in one breathe.
He laughs and takes the album back. He starts looking through it. There are a lot of pictures from our first three years; Lily was convinced she was going to be a photographer in until she was fourteen, so she took pictures of everything and everyone here. My favorite was one from our third year, James and Sirius falling to the lake. They had been throwing rocks over at me and Lily, trying to get Lily’s attention, but one hit Rose as she sat down next to me. So she pushed them in to the lake, and Lily got a picture of them falling.
“How did you find these?” he asks pointing to a few pictures from first year.
They’re all of me, James, and Sirius. I smile remembering that day, we had all tried out for the Quidditch team, it was our first year so of course we didn’t make it. We looked like we had been run over by a train, but we were still all smiling like idiots because we were the only first years to even bother to try out on their first year in a decade.
“I’ve had these since the day Lily took the pictures.” I tell him “This isn’t a memory I was willing to forget.” I feel the mood drop from happy and fun to a more serious one so I try to lighten it, scared of what would happen if I didn’t “The real question is; what was I thinking? My hair looks terrible.” I say in hopes that he’ll laugh at me, and we can just move on.
“What was so special that you had to hold onto them?” he asks turning the page.
“Honestly, that’s the day that we became friends. Not that the friendship lasted that long, we started fighting again the next week, but it still meant a lot to me.” I say looking away from him.
Everything that had been said and everything kiss hung in the air between us. Every time one of us breathes or moves it gets worse, the unanswered questions, and the I loves yous that were said seem to cloud everything else.
“Thea,” Sirius says
I look away, I don’t know if I can do this. I don’t know anything anymore. I thought I wanted Sirius to give up on me, that way everything could be the way it was before, but now I’m not sure.
“Are we ever going to talk about it?” he asks putting a hand on my shoulder.
“What is there to say?” I ask standing up and walking to the other side of them room “Do you expect me to believe that it would go better than the ten other times we tried talking.”
“That all depends on you now, I know what I want. The only question is; do you?” he says
“I don’t know!” I yell “I don’t know anymore. I thought wanted you to just forget about me, until I thought that you had. And that really sucked. Then this happened, so now I just don’t know.”
I take a deep breath and try to calm down.
“How do you feel?” Sirius asks.
“What are you? My fucking therapist. I don’t know how I feel, I know that it really sucked when I saw you with other girls, but I also know that I really just want to punch you in the face every time you talk to me. So that’s pretty confusing.” I snap.
“You’re brother already punched me in the face today, if that helps.” He says.
He’s completely calm, which pisses me off even more.
“What about kylie?” I ask “She came to talk to me earlier, what she said makes me think you broke up, but she never really told me if you had.”
“Yeah, we broke up.” He says
“Jerk…” I say
“Thanks” he says standing up.
“Well it’s true, take it from me. It’s never fun when someone you care about rejects you.” I say “It really sucks, and you cry a lot, and then you feel worse when you realize you’re not even over them, even though they hurt you.”
“What if that person is still in love with you?” he asks as he closes the distance between us.
“I wouldn’t believe him.” I say taking a step back from him.
“Because I’m not the kind of girl that guys fall in love with.” I say
“What makes you think that?” he asks
“Common sense, I guess. I see all the other girls in this school, and they’re happy, and sane, and nowhere near as messed up as me and those are the girls that every guy likes, last time I checked no one likes me.” I say.
‘You’re wrong, because I like you.” Sirius says “Hell, Thea I love you, and I have for a while. You just never saw it.”
“I don’t believe that Sirius, you keep saying it, but you walked away, and then didn’t fight for me when I told you I loved you, and you told me we could never be anything more than friends. It wasn’t until today that you even tried to actually convince me of the way you supposedly feel.”
"Well Thea, think how I felt. I told you I loved you, and got rejected and then you've been trying to avoid me. What am I supposed to do? I want you, and you don’t even seem to want to be around me.” Sirius says.
"I don't know. There are a lot of things I don't know. I'm just going to take it one step at a time I guess." I look down at my now naked arms and then I tilt my head lower to look at the necklace Sirius gave me.
"Thea, would it be too much to ask if I could be that person to walk next to you and take it one step at a time?" Sirius asks.
I thought that maybe after my mental 'walk' he would be at the end of it waiting for me to make sense of this crazy and fucked up world. But him being there with me... Well that in its self is crazy. I don't know when I started to talk and I don't know what I was going to say, so I just let my mouth keep going.
"I would... love that Sirius" almost as much as I love you.
God, why is it so hard to say that to him? Why can't I do it when he stares at me with those loving eyes? It's not like he doesn't love me. I know he already does. Am I afraid he will leave? Am I afraid that I will be a second choice when being compared with him like I was with James? Well fuck it! Who cares if I'm compared? I will just ignore them. If they have to go so low to compare us and judge us, then they’re not worth it. If I can just say those few words, no one can get in our way because Sirius Black actually loves me, and I love him.
He seemed shocked that I had agreed.
When he hugged me tightly I thought, 'One step at a time' over and over. When the next thing I know, my mouth took over again, "Sirius... I think I might've, sort of” My brain started to realize what my mouth was doing and I froze.
Sirius had pulled me back and had both of his hands on my shoulders looking me straight in the eyes. Worry and love all over his face. Blushing, I looked down at my shoes. I see the little sharpie drawing Rose and I made awhile back. It was a stick boy on the left with half a heart and on the right a stick girl with the other half of the heart. Oddly, that gave me courage to say what I haven't in a while.
I take a deep breath and lift my head slowly until my eyes lock with Sirius'.
"Sirius, I love you." at this I started grinning like an idiot.
Sirius leans down to kiss me, but then something that I didn’t expect happens. Rose pushes him out of the way and hugs me.
“I’m so happy for you!” she yells laughing.
I look around and see Remus and James are now in the room too. By the looks on their faces, and Rose slowly squeezing the life out of me with her hug, they heard everything that just happened. I feel my face turn red, for two reasons, one embarrassment, and two lack of oxygen.
Rose lets me go, then turn around to face Sirius.
“I swear to God if you hurt her again I will personally make sure every day of your life is a living hell, and that you die in a lot of pain.” Rose says sounding pretty frightening.
Sirius takes a few steps back, I don’t blame him. And Remus and James laugh.
“I thought that was my job.” James says in protest to Rose.
Rose just waves him off, and looks over at Sirius again.
“Well are you going to kiss her or not? Because that’s how it’s supposed to go, you know.” She says pointing at me.
I start laughing at the insanity that is my friends, but its cut short by Sirius’ lips pressing against mine.