I'm not telling you who it is. Not yet, you'll have to read it, huh? Well just know that this chapter isnot in Lena's POV or James' POV.
They say that there is one divining moment in your life when you take the metaphorical leap into adulthood. When you go from being an immature boy to being a strong man. That moment in time when you loose your innocence, and you leave behind your childhood.
I was certain I'd never take that promising step. Everyone was certain I'd never make that step. And I hadn't, not willingly anyway. I'd been forced into it by the cruellest of fates.
And why shouldn't I have avoided the step? I had led a wonderfully simple life before I'd been pushed. I had no worries, except who would win the Quidditch World Cup, (Puddlemore United) or if I had passed the Charms exam. (I had) I lived the life my parents fought for me to live. I had the freedom so many before me had never been offered, and I'd taken it all for granted.
In the slpit second before I engulfed my large arms around her, as I took in the her scared, naked body, I wanted my innocence back, I wanted my freedom back. I wanted nothing more than to turn around and leave. To forget everything. But something stopped me. For some unexplainable reason I knew I couldn't go back the way I'd came.
The feeling told me that the carefree laughter I'd always held wouldn't return. That no matter how badly I wished my life wished, my life would never be the same. I couldn't leave her like this. Most of all I could never forget the sight in front of me. The beautifully tragic girl, the raises and bumps scaring her tiny body. No, I would never forget.
So I did the only thing I knew that I could. I took the step towards her, fate pressing against my back, and hugged the broken, beaten life in front of me.
~*~
We sat side by side, our backs against the door. As soon as I'd realized I was hugging my best mates (and favourite cousins) naked (very naked) girlfriend, I'd let go and turned around allowing her to get dressed. We hadn't spoken since.
It might have been the new found maturity, but I didn't ask her anything .I really didn't want to know. As much as I knew I could never go back, I knew everything would change once again when I asked. When she told me why, it would be different again. Life would no longer be the same. Whatever shred of innocence I was so desperately clinging to would be gone. There was also a slight possibility of my Gyffindor bravery taking the low road and leaving me completely. I didn't want to know, and I couldn't even ask.
She broke the silence before I could.
“I'm waiting on you to ask.” Her voice was quiet, soft.
“I'm not going to ask.” Surprisingly my voice was softer than hers.
“But why?”
“Lena, I don't think I want to know.”
“You're disgusted aren't you?”
Being disgusted was the farthest thing from my mind. No I'm not disgusted, I wanted to say, I'm scared. I'd fight dragons armed with nothing but my wand, I'd perform marvellous spellwork in duels, I'd sneak into the headmistress office and paint her study red and gold, but this? This was real. This was a different type of courage. A courage I didn't have. This wasn't some stupid stunt that could be passed off as bravery.
“That's rubbish, Lena.”
“So you aren't?”
“No. I'm terrified really.” I glanced at her.
She turned her head, confusion evident on her small face.
“I don't understand.”
“I hadn't expected you to.” I looked away.
Silence fell on us again, a softer silence than before.
She hadn't looked away when I had, and I could feel her hard penetrating stare. I played with the frayed edges of my qudditch jersey, not looking over at her. I'd come to uncle Ron's and aunt Mione's guest bath for a shower. The game had been rough and intense, and I wasn't about to compete with the Potter's for a bathroom. I never won, and they never lost. Ever.
She broke the silence again, and in an instant I knew she'd say what I couldn't hear, but I knew I would listen.
“Once upon a time there lived a darling little girl. With darling little parents. She had a darling little life.” She finally looked away. The tale had started innocently enough, but I knew it would take a darker turn soon enough.
“Her life stayed darling until one day her darling mother left. The darling little girl didn't know why, she never knew why. Her darling father turned wicked though. Wicked and cruel. He was no longer loving, he was no longer kind. The darling little girl's life wasn't so darling any more, and neither was she.”
I didn't want to hear anything else. I felt like I'd already taken fifty steps into an adulthood I didn't want.
“I should be ashamed of my scars, and I am. I'm not proud of what's been done to me, or what I do to myself.”
“Don't be ashamed.”
She made a sudden movement, and thrust her arm onto my knees. “Freddy, look at them. Look.”
I did. They were ugly, and awful and some looked like they'd never fade. “You see? That darling little girl cuts herself so she can feel alive. So she isn't lost in some vague depression. She covers her arms, and she hides her scars. I am that little girl, and I so fucking broken, I should be ashamed! I should hide my damn face because I'm not strong enough! So many other people live their lives
with much more to deal with. I'm so damn weak that I can't even handle it. My best friend fucking hates me for letting myself be happy, and I'm happy with James! But is it worth loosing Scorp?”
She leaned into me, and I held her as she shook. I didn't want to be here, this wasn't my place.
“Does anyone else know?” I asked after her tears had dried, and her body became calm again.
“Scorp, Madam Pomfrey, The Professors, Draco and Astoria, and Vivian Valley. My father was sent a letter, but I doubt he cares. I see a representative from St. Mungo's every week.”
“Viv? How the hell does she know.”
“It doesn't even matter. Nothing matters.”
“She's a conniving little bitch.”
Lena just nodded her head against my body.
“Does James know?”
“No.” She pulled away. “And you're not going to tell him.”
“Why? He needs to know. I can't do this. I'm not-” I struggled to find the words. “I'm me. I can't be expected to care so much.”
She looked shocked for a moment before a carefully assembled mask slipped over her features.
“I don't expect anything from you. Just because you walked in on me, saw some scars, well it doesn't mean anything, okay? You don't have to do anything.”
I closed my eyes and tilted my head backwards. Fate was pressing against my back again, choosing my words carefully, picking each and every one with a gentle ease. I couldn't go back. It was as simple and complex as that.
“I'm gonna be here for you Lena. I promise.”
Who knew it was Fred before they read his name? Hmm? Tell me what you think, pleaseee!
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