Chapter 1 : "Which one of us do you love more?"
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- Lily Evans: Karen Gillan
- Sirius Black: Ben Barnes
DISCLAIMER: Everything belongs to my beautiful Queen, Joanne Kathleen Rowling. I own nothing but the plot. If I did, Lily and the Marauders (except Wormtail) were alive, and Dramione to happen :)
It was raining in the middle of September 1979. Nineteen year old Lily Evans was just proposed by James Potter and she said yes to him. Though the weather was very grim, Lily's mood wasn't. She felt like she was the happiest human being ever. Cliche, yes, but that was what she felt. Despite the dark times she was having, it didn't stop her from saying yes to James Potter. Voldemort may took her parents, her friends, everyone and everything she loved dearly, but not her happiness.
Lily heard a bell rang, telling her that somehow was going to Apparate into her flat. It was Sirius Black. She knew it was him, not some imposter trying to be the last living Black Heir. First of all, the Marauders and Dumbledore were the only ones who knew about her flat. Second, Sirius was a really great wizard that it was nearly impossible for anyone to impose him. She knew should have felt relieved, but she didn't. Sirius coming to her flat brought back memories. Memories that she had tried to burry in the deepest part of her mind. Memories that kept on haunting her dreams, whenever she was awake or asleep.
"I love you, Lily. I know I've been a prick to you, but please, give me a second chance."
"I'll think of that."
"Sirius, you're wet," Lily said, coming back to reality from her thoughts. It was the past.
"Yeah, I forgot to bring an umbrella," Sirius joked. Lily laughed.
"I'll go get you a towel, okay?" she said. Sirius nodded.
"Thank you, Lily," he said. Lily smiled and hurried off to her room.
Lily closed the door behind her gently. She leaned on the door tiredly. She couldn't stand it. He shouldn't have come here. He promised her that he would never see her again unless it was emergency. She knew that this must be about James. Lily knew that Sirius wouldn't break any of his promises to her except it was something about James.
"How's your OWLs?"
"I don't know if I could make it. I think my head's going to explode."
"You study too much, Red. Relax a bit."
"I don't want you to get better scores than me."
"Well, I think we could think of something about it. Just have some rest. Please. For me."
She shook the thoughts away. She had to forget those memories. It didn't do any good for her to dwell with the past. She grabbed a towel and headed back to her living room. Sirius was standing near the fireplace, staring at a picture of him and James and Lily. He was careful not to wet the whole house with the droplets of water from his robes. Lily noticed that the former heartthrob of Hogwarts had gone pale and thin than the last time she met him; which was a year ago. Sirius never attended any Order meetings, always asked Remus represent him. Lily knew why he was avoiding the meetings.
"Here's the towel, Sirius," Lily said. "Just put your robes in that dryer."
"Okay," answered Sirius. He did as he told and dried his hair with the towel.
"Do you want anything to drink? Coffee? Hot chocolate?" Lily offered. Sirius shook his head.
"No, but thanks for offering."
Lily watched Sirius moved his weight from his left foot to his right. She knew that Sirius was nervous being together alone with her in one room. She knew it exactly because she felt the same way. Lily observed Sirius' face closely. After his parents' death and his brother's, Sirius had been dealing with some matters a guy like him shouldn't. He fought for his house, his money, everything he had the rights to have. He nearly lost his house because the rest of his family hated him and wanted everything he had for theirselves. Lily couldn't help but to feel sorry for him; like she always had. She had this urge to protect him, to care for him.
To love him.
Sirius put the towel on the couch before he sat on it. Lily noticed how Sirius knew better not to mess up her things. Unlike his dearest best friend, James, he knew a thing or two about furnitures. Lily thought of sitting on the chair in front of him, but in the end, she chose to sit beside him. Sirius grabbed his wand instantly and Lily feared that he wanted to jinx her. She was wrong. Sirius took the wand to dry off his clothes. Lily fought hard not to blush. They were wizards. Why didn't she think of using the Drying Spell before?
"So, how have you been?" Lily said, trying to make a conversation.
"Congratulations, Red. You got the Head Girl badge, I see.
"I'm fine, thank you," Sirius said awkwardly. "Dumbledore asked me to work my arse off on spying those stinking Death Eaters. I've to spy on dear old Bella."
"Thank you very much. You don't know how happy I was when I found the badge in my letter."
"Dumbledore asked me to spy on Snape," Lily said. Sirius made a face at that name. "As far I know, Snape hasn't done anything wrong."
"Oh, I'm sure you were more than happy. You were ecstatic, I bet. And still is."
"Except that he's a Death Eater and also has been spying on us," Sirius pointed out. Lily sighed.
"Yeah, except that."
"I just threw a prank of Remus," Sirius said, his eyes glinting in mischief. Lily couldn't stop herself from laughing.
"Really? You still throw a prank on him?"
"Well, I don't have a choice. It's either that or losing 600 Galleons in a bet to Frank Longbottom."
"You have a bet with Frank Longbottom? You're joking, right?" Frank Longbottom was probably the only one who was more serious than Dumbledore about Voldemort. Lily couldn't think how Sirius could get Frank into a bet.
"Nope, I'm serious. We met at Alice's birthday party. I told him that I've kissed 200 girls for the 19 years I live in this world. He didn't believe me. We got into a little argument about it. Then, he dared me to throw the most humiliating prank on Remus. I said that I'd do it for 1000 Galleons. He said 260. I said 910. We kept on telling each other's prices until we both agreed with 600."
"And, what did you do to Remus?" Lily said eagerly. Sirius smirked.
"We both know that Sirius liked Mary MacDonald, right?"
"Yeah, he's been in love with her for ages."
"There, that's my prank. When Remus talked nervously with Miss MacDonald, I flicked my wand, pushing him a bit until he kissed her."
"You did not!" Lily exclaimed. Sirius barked a laugh.
"I did! You should have seen both Remus' face and Frank's. I don't know who looks angrier."
Lily laughed. "Oh, poor Remus. He must have felt so embarrassed."
"Oh, embarrassed is nothing. He looked like he wanted to crawl under a table and die."
"I bet James laughed at..." Lily trailed off. She dared not to look at Sirius, feared that he'd be mad at her. But, when she did, he looked impassive as always.
"You're perfect, Lily. I want you to remember that."
"But, they keep calling me-"
"To hell with those fucked up Slytherins. You're perfect and we're not the only ones who know that. Your parents know it, your friends know it, and not to mention the teachers."
"It's just that-"
"You're the best thing that ever happened to me. So, forget anything anyone ever said to you."
"He's proposed you, huh?" Sirius said slowly. Lily tried to say anything but yes, only that she didn't know what to say.
"Yes," was all Lily managed to say.
They fell silence. Lily closed her eyes and memories of her Hogwarts years came back into her mind.
She was powerless to stop it so she let herself to drown in those memories.
Memories of her secret relationship with Sirius Black.
It was snowing in the year of 1977. It could be December, or January. Lily didn't know, and didn't care. For all she knew and care was, at that moment, she lost her trust towards her judgement.
No one knew that Lily Evans had been dating Sirius Black since her fourth year. They kept their relationship as a secret. They knew everyone, especially James Potter, would never agree about them being together. But, they didn't care. Their relationship had been through all obstacles, but they stuck with each other, never let the other one alone. They acted like they hated each other whenever people was around, though Sirius sometime managed to wink at her and Lily would find herself struggling from laughing. Lily felt like she was living the dream.
Only that she had to wake up soon.
Lily was on her way back to the Head Quarter from her Transfiguration class. She had promised Sirius that she would sneak up to meet him. So, she was more than surprised that Sirius grabbed her out of the blue and dragged her into an empty class room. Lily was happy to see Sirius, because it had been two weeks since the last time she met him. She tip toed to kiss him, to feel those smooth lips against her own. Sirius kissed her back, but something from his kiss made her stopped.
"What's wrong, Sirius?" Lily said. "Something's troubling you."
"It's nothing, Lily," Sirius said. "Believe me."
"I believe you, Sirius. But, even though you're great at lying, I know when you are lying. I know you."
Sirius sat on a chair, his head bowed down. "Lily, I think we should break up," Sirius said, his voice was clear and loud.
Lily felt like she was slapped. Broke up?
"But, why? Did I do something –"
"No, it's not you. It's me, Lily. I don't think we should do this anymore."
"You haven't answered my question," Lily said. "Tell me why."
"I know you like James," Sirius sighed after awhile. "I saw the way you look at him."
"Sirius, I –"
"I should have seen this coming," Sirius muttered. "James can be...persuasive when he wants to. Especially when he wants something."
Lily didn't know what to say. The moment she found James Potter was Head Boy, she knew that her life wouldn't be easy. James Potter would try everything to win her heart. He did. Lily was slowly falling for him. Who wouldn't? James Potter was everything Snape wasn't and everything Sirius was. The only thing that made James better than Sirius was his family wasn't prejudiced toward Muggle-borns. Lily looked at Sirius, who had looked at her already.
"Do you love him, Lily?" Sirius asked straight away. Lily bit her lip.
"I... I uh... I don't..." Lily trailed off. Both of them knew answer. Sirius smiled at her.
"That's what I thought," Sirius said sadly.
"Sirius, I'm really so-"
"Don't be," Sirius said. "It's not your fault. It's mine."
He walked closer toward her and pulled her into his arms. Lily always loved being hugged by Sirius. She felt save in his arms. She thought that her future would always be with Sirius, that someday, they would end up married. She was wrong. They could never be together. Lily felt like she wanted to cry, but her tears couldn't come out. She couldn't cry. She didn't know why, but her tears refused to fall down from her eyes.
"Take care of my best friend, Red," Sirius said. He kissed her forehead lightly before he walked out from the room.
From her life.
"I just want to ask one thing," Sirius said, knowing fully that Lily was thinking about their break-up. "Which one of us do you love more? James or me?"
"Excuse me?" Lily said, but she knew exactly what Sirius meant. She just didn't know what to say.
"Just answer it. Is it me, or James?"
When Lily didn't answer, Sirius knew what was her answer. Sirius let out a deep breath and closed his eyes. They were never meant to be. Not even in the next life they could get to meet. He opened his eyes and smiled at her. She had chosen his best friend, and he would be happy to support whatever her choice was.
"Well, I think I should get back," Sirius said, too cheerful even for his liking. "Order member or not, McGonagall would have my arse if I come up late to this so-called meeting as if I was still her fifth year student." Lily wasn't amused with his joke. If he wanted to be honest, he wasn't amused too.
"Thanks for the towel, by the way," Sirius said. "Bye, Red."
James or Sirius?
It took her only one second to answer it.
"Sirius!" Lily called. Sirius turned around and his lips met Lily's.
Sirius wasted no time and kissed her back in the same passion and longing. He missed her a lot since the time they broke up. She was constantly in his dreams. He knew that this would be the last time he could kiss her, touch her, feel her. He knew this was it. And he knew, if James found out about it, James wouldn't hesitate to hunt him down until the next century. But, damn it. He'd take it. It was just for the last time.
Lily walked backwards to her bedroom. She could feel Sirius' hand snaked under her shirt, starting to unbotton her shirt. She tensed when she felt Sirius' finger-tips against her. If they made love that night, that would mean Sirius was her first. She always wanted her first to be with Sirius. And that finally came true.
"I love you, Lily Evans," Sirius murmured against her lips.
"I love you, Sirius Black," she said without any second thoughts.
Sirius woke up the next morning, feeling contempt but miserable at the same time. It was a mistake, a big mistake. But, it was the right mistake he ever made. Funny, he thought, that he could do the right thing at the same time when he did his biggest mistake. And it was all because of Lily Evans.
"Morning, Red," Sirius said when he noticed Lily had opened his eyes.
"You will never stop calling me that, don't you?" Lily said. Sirius grinned.
"No. Never. Not in a million years."
Lily glanced at the clock and sighed. This was it. Starting from that moment, Sirius and her could only be friends. No more secret winks, secret stares, secret meetings. No more. She wished that she didn't love both Sirius and James. She wished that Sirius wasn't that handsome and his best friend was as ugly as a Thestral. Too bad that life couldn't be as what Lily wished.
Before Sirius walked out from Lily's flat, Lily forced herself to shout something at him.
"Sirius!" Lily called.
"You'll always be my first true love," she said with a smile. Sirius chuckled softly and also smiled.
"And you're mine, Red."
Lily didn't know, that when she closed the door, Sirius added something to his words:
"My first and also last."
A/N: Oh, my poor beloved Sirius... Let me hug you to ease all the pain you feel :P
So, this is my very first try on writing a Sirius/Lily fanfiction. I keep on having this idea that the reason Sirius didn't marry anyone until he died was because he had a crush on Lily. I mean, isn't it weird that the hottest dude Hogwarts ever had didn't have a girl in his life? I decided that I wanted to write a fiction about it. Hope that you'll like it!
Thanks for reading and reviewing.
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