Here’s the thing about boyfriends. One, they’re boys, so they’re male. Two, they are somewhat like a friend, except more touching and invade personal bubbles. I’ve named my personal bubble Berta. She doesn’t let anybody in. I feel like Berta was a sumo wrestler in a past life or maybe one of those tough Russian women.
Anyways, Robyn’s boyfriend, Mike Kerfy Hill Cat, is like any other boyfriend. He’s nice and cool and OMG FRIENDS WITH GOD HIMSELF. Cough. Sorry. I had a little outburst there. Please ignore.
For a while, I didn’t really like the Ol’ Kerfbag, because he was a jerky jerk and I somewhat wished that his specific line of ancestry hadn’t evolved from the apes and just stay mindless monkeys who fling their poo and eat fleas. But, it’s ok, because I like him now and he definitely shouldn’t fling poo. That would be gross.
“Alicia! What are you doing?” Robyn asked. I happened to be lying under the table in the Slytherin common room. Why? Because it’s comfortable and it makes me feel like a Hobbit. Moo.
“I just happened to be admiring the craftsmanship of this lovely table. Did you know it was made by goblins?”
“I don’t care if it was made by Matt and Cameron while they were wearing a unitard, I have to go meet Mike, so don’t do anything…undesirable while I’m gone.”
“Undesirable? Can I start completing my list?”
Robyn coughed. I think she’d getting the swine flu. GET HER INTO QUARTANTINE NOW!
“Your list?! You finished it already? Let me see this!”
I pulled the list out of my satchel. That’s right, I own a satchel. It carries my whip and hat, just like Indiana Jones. He is such a badass.
Robyn burst out into hysterics. “This list is so…you! It’s not good enough!”
“Excuse me, woman?! Do you doubt my abilities? I am ALICIA PABLO VINCENZO ELIZABETH REMINGTON. HOW DARE YOU OPPOSE ME!”
“Calm you’re jets. I just mean, this list would be good for me, because I don’t think raptoring down the hallway while singing Backstreet Boys songs is a good form of exercise. I’d be embarrassed to do that. But you, this is like your list of everyday activities. It’s not really a challenge.”
“Yeah. Something you’d be scared to do. Something that frightens you, make you nervous.”
“Ok, and what would that be? Doing the salsa on the table during dinnertime?”
“NO! You did that last night! Something like, get a date to Hogsmeade!”
I froze. I couldn’t get a date even if all the girls in the school died. If you hadn’t noticed, I’m a little weird and sadly, no one else is, so I have to raptor alone. It’s a lonely life, but it’s the one I choose.
Robyn continued, “Or act normal for a day. Or make a new friend. Or get a makeover.”
“Those sound rather terrible. I think I’ll stick to making whale noises in the hallway.” I said, shuffling nervously.
“Or actually try out for Quidditch.”
“I told you I was going to do that! That one doesn’t count!”
“Yeah, except you were lying your face off. You weren’t actually going to try out. But now you are. Those 5 things are Robyn’s List for Alicia So She Can Become Not Crazy. I’ll do your list, you do mine.”
I laughed, “My list has 50 things on it, and yours has 5. I don’t think this counts as a fair battle.”
“Trust me, you are going to have immense difficulty doing every single item on that list, so really, it’s a fair battle.”
I stared at her. Shit. She did have a point(y head). I shook her hand and sealed the deal. I was going to have the worst year of my life.
“COUNTRY GIRL, SHAKE IT FOR ME, GIRL. SHAKE IT FOR ME, GIRL. SHAKE IT FOR MEEEEE.” Robyn bellowed as we walked into Potions class.
She had already completed 4 items on my list. #37 Push someone into a wall and then yell “Watch where you’re going, sailor!” That ‘someone’ happened to be me. #21 Relive the Battle of Hogwarts through interpretive dance and whale noises. She performed for our Charms class, who thought it was “just a hoot!” #5 For one hour, whistle every time someone says “the”. Her lips got extremely chapped from that. I guess no kissing Mike today. Ha ha. #49 Sing a country song between class change loud enough for everyone to hear. Hence, the bad attempt at singing Country Girl.
I was a little jealous to be honest. Robyn was stealing my craziness. I was so excited to be wacky again and now, I had to be the normal one. This sucks.
This one day I tried to be normal, I was in third year. I got to my very last class without any “suspicious/unnecessary outbursts”, but then I noticed Emmett Davies from Ravenclaw eating a piece of licorice and that set me off. I had to do my licorice dance. It was a tradition. I got detention for “making students uncomfortable”. Who knew that hip swivels were such a big deal to thirteen year olds.
“So, class,” my ugly, old Potions teacher droned, “I have noticed that some partners have been a little too disruptive and distracting during brewing time. That’s why I have decided to reconsider who you brew with.”
“THIS IS BLASPHAMY!” I screeched and Professor Old Fucker shook his head.
“Please calm down, Miss Remington.”
“I WILL CALL THE DEMONS FROM THE UNDERWORLD TO EAT YOUR SOUL I SWEAR TO MERLIN’S PANTS!”
“I’m not giving into your tantrum today. Sit down before I glue you to your seat.”
“If you do, I’ll call rape.”
The class burst into laughter. I win this time Old Fucker. He rolled his eyes and began reading out the list. “Robyn Swann, Penny Jane Willow.” Sucker.
“Scorpius Malfoy, Dennis Bale.” Probably gay for each other.
“Megan Goyle, Justin Grossman.” Justin once told me that I had a weird shaped head. I told him that my demon clown friend did too. He know looks over his shoulder when he pees. Don’t ask me how I know that.
“Fredrick Fizzer, Natalie Avery.” Fred Fizzer. Love that name.
“Brandon Mills, bless his soul, Alicia Remington.”
“YAY NANNERS!” I yelled and Brandon smiled. We had been best friends since forever and he was one of the only guys who wasn’t scared of me. Yet.
Professor Old Fucker finished off the list and told us to partner up.
I better clear up that his name isn’t really Professor Old Fucker, I just forgot his name and it’s easier to call ‘em like I see ‘em than actually ask someone what his name was.
I took my seat next to Nanners. We began brewing our potion without any difficulty. Surprised? You are? Well, you’re a jerk, because I am actually smart and get Outstandings in all of my classes. Just because I’m a psychopath, doesn’t mean I don’t have the brains to support it.
“Mix that worm, cut that bean, this is the best potion that I have ever seen!” I sang. I find it easier to concentrate when I’m being loud at disruptive. That’s ironic.
“Now we just have to let it brew for an hour.” Nanners said as he covered the cauldron with a lid.
“An hour?! Of free time?! MY LIFE IS COMPLETE!”
“You’re crazy, Vivo.” He smiled and looked over at another table. Nanners has been calling me Vivo just as long as I’ve been calling him Nanners. I really have no idea where these nicknames came from, but I like them. But, that’s not important. What’s important is that Nanny Boy is looking at a girl. A female. That’s right. Someone of the opposite gender. HE’S GOT INNER STIRRINGS! OMGOMGOMG. NANNERS YOU SLY DOG.
“So, Nanners, who’s the gal?” I asked and he turned to me, blushing.
“That girl you were staring at.”
“I wasn’t staring.”
“Yes, you were.”
“No, I wasn’t”
“YES YOU WERE.”
“NANNERS I KNOW WHAT STARING IS AND THAT WAS STARING.”
“OH REALLY? YOU’RE THE EXPERT ON STARING NOW?”
“YEAH, I STARE ALL THE TIME.”
“NOT IMPORTANT NANNY BOY, WE’RE TALKING ABOUT YOU.”
“I WASN’T STARING.”
“AND MY NAME’S LOUISE AND I’M FROM ALABAMA AND I LIKE FOG HORNS AND PLAYING THE PICOLLO.”
I looked away and noticed that everyone was staring at us. Not unusual for me, but everyone was surprised that Brandon had freaked out. That’s a sign. What kind of sign, you ask stupidly? Well, idiot, it’s a sign he likes Brunette Girl. I’ll find out whether Nanners wants me to or not. Brunette Girl, get ready to feel the wrath of ALICIA. Well, not the wrath per say, more like the extreme creepy stalkerness that is Vivo. She won’t even know that I’m following her. That’s right, I’m that good.
I think I’ve added a challenge to Robyn’s list. Find out who Brunette Girl is and get her doing the tango with Nanners. And by tango, I mean date, just to clear that up. GET YOUR HEAD OUT OF THE GUTTER YOU SICK PERV! OPERATION BG IS A GO.
A/N: OH MY JONAS BROTHERS I HAVE NOT INTRODUCED MYSELF YET HOW RUDE! I'm Al and this story is dedicated to the love of my life...just kidding...to my best friend who has moved to the bowels of Narnia and who I never get to see! I owe her my first born and a glass of skim milk, but for now a crappily written fanfiction will have to do!
Please review if you like dolphins. Or if you have a face. That'd be lovely.
Also, I don't own anything including Harry Potter or anything you recognize. The song Robyn sings is Country Girl by Luke Bryan. I don't own the song or him. I own myself, though, it's pretty sweet.