“Merlin Red, this isn't a stealth mission for quidditch sakes! We're pulling into a train station!”
“Oh Jamie, please, will you be serious for once? You know above everyone else the lengths reporters will go. I don't want a repeat of the Rita Skeeter fiasco of last year!”
“First off, Rita Skeeter has been been banned from Kings Cross. For life, by the muggles too.”
Rose opened her mouth then, only long enough to mutter, “Still bloody likely she'll find a way.” before James interrupted with the rest of his point.
“And secondly, I am always Sirius. It is my middle name, remember?” James grinned.
Everyone in the train carriage groaned. Fred spoke up first, “Jamie. We're all tired of those bleeding jokes, let them go.”
James looked completely baffled for a moment before he broke into another awe inspiring grin.“Those jokes will never get old.”
I quickly tuned them out as they soon forgot the question had even been directed at me to begin with.
Scorp caught my eye before I turned back to the window. I ignored him as subtly as I good. We hadn't spoken in days, and we hadn't really spoken in weeks before that. If he couldn't be my best friend, my brother, then I didn't need him. He didn't have to be uncharacteristically cruel, which is how I now viewed his actions. He acted like the pureblood Malfoy and not Scorpius.
Everything about this train ride was different from all the rest I'd ever journeyed on. James sat next to me, my left hand intertwined delicately with his right. Something that certainly had never happened before Rose sat her back against the window, her feet propped upon Scorp's lap. Instead of reading of a book firmly between her hands she chose to stare intently at her boyfriend. Scorp and I weren't on speaking terms, for the first time in our long history. Lily and Al were sprawled out on the compartment floor playing a rather violent game of exploding snap. If this was common or not, I remained unsure. Albus normally sat with us, but Lily however did not. I rubbed my right arm against the wall of the compartment. The twinge of pain was not absent, as it normally was during the holidays, when I had something to look forward to.
The rolling hills never changed though. They were they only constant from this trip and the others, the one true link, beside myself. Their lustre was never lacking, even in the cold depths of winter. Beautifully so. Funny how the only thing that had stayed the same was constantly moving.
~*~
I was flying, soaring really. A feat I found quite particular in all truth. The air felt heavy, but light all at once. The sky was such an impenetrable blue. My eyes nearly widened in shock. The clouds resembled the fluffiest of marshmallows. I paused, reaching out to touch one before my hand passed through its chilly centre.
The most intriguing fact about the whole affair was that I wasn't on a broom, or on the back of an animal. No, I had wings, wings that were protruding from my shoulder blades, and they were a glorious white colour. They fluttered as soon as I thought of them as lovely, raising a few feet in the air. I flew around laughing for quite awhile, enjoying my new found freedom. For the first time in a long time, I felt happy. Truly happy.
Just as I was beginning to feel the early onset of peakiness and perhaps a bit of loneliness I saw a figure flying towards me in the near distance. My smile grew as I recognised the form. James. My James. He wasn't flying like me, no he didn't have wings, I noted as I became closer, closing the distance easily. He was on his dads old firebolt, the vintage broom flew a right bit better then any new model he'd told me in an offhand sort of way when I'd asked.
He came closer and closer until he was a simple arms length away. His mouth didn't match mine though, I noted with an inner frown. But Merlin. He was beautiful, even when he frowned. Seeing the sun reflected off of his face hit me once again. How I could ever forget how breathtaking he was?
He had an array of freckles splashed across his mothers nose. They were practically hard invisible, blending almost seminally into his tan skin. Oh his eyes. Their colour seemed to be fighting over exactly what shade to be. Brown or green, with flecks of the most lovely yellow. Everyone said Al had beautiful eyes. They obviously had never never looked at James closely enough then.
“James?” I asked my tone light, playful even. It held an innocence I couldn't quite manage in my waking hours. “What's wrong, smile! We're flying! We're free!”
His expression didn't change however. Now I noticed it looked more like a grimace
than a frown.
“I can't Lena. You're gone.” He voice was devoid of all emotion, the usual laughter that seemed to be never ending, gone without a trace. It unnerved me.
“I'm not gone. James! I'm right here!” I was confused, and my happiness was slowly fading. He must not have understood.
“No you aren't Lena. Why'd you have to leave us? We loved, we love you.” His voice was calm but treading the base of pain.
“I didn't leave James. I'm right here. Listen to me!” Confusion turned quickly into agitation as the sky darkened. A gust of wind blew my hair across my face.
“I wish you didn't. I so wish you hadn't. Why couldn't you tell me Lena? I'm in love with you and you died.”
Dead? No. I wasn't dead. I was simply flying. That didn't mean I was dead, dead it? No. I couldn't be dead...I just couldn't be dead. Could I?
“I'm not dead am I James?” I aimed to grab his arm but my hand wouldn't clasp his. This couldn't be happening. This was a happy dream. I was free.
He looked me straight in the eyes, and I saw what I'd disregarded before. His eyes oh so lovely, were full of a deep anguish, quietly filling with unshed tears.
“Why? Oh why? Al pretends he isn't hurting, but oh he is. Lily cries all the time now, and Lily never cries. Rose is so distraught, she hasn't eaten since,s-since she found you...” He pasued, his voice slowly diving into the depths of a painful emotion I couldn't quite fathom. “And, Scorpius...how could you fucking do that to him? He's broken. He's worse then me even...and I'm pretty damn bad...I just want to know why?”
My wings fluttered weakly as I spoke, dropping inch by inch.
“I didn't mean to die. I promise! Don't you believe me?”
He flinched, as if I'd hit him.
“No, I don't believe you, because YOU MEANT TO DIE. DON'T LIE TO ME. YOU KILLED YOURSELF!”
No. No. No. No. No. The word pounded again and again in my mind. I would never do that. I closed my eyes, squeezing them tightly shut. I never wanted death. Quite the opposite, I wanted to feel alive. I needed something I could control. I lived for the pain. The pain meant I was still alive, it gave me a fighting chance. I couldn't have killed myself.
“No.”
“You're gone Lena...go....just go.” I opened my eyes, squinting unnecessarily.
The sky was black now, no longer a borderline grey. James was flying away. Away from me, hiding his face with the wind. My beautiful wings stopped beating, and I fell from the sky.
~*~
“Lena!! Wake up! Come on, we're here!” What? I opened my eyes, blinking rapidly in the dim light of the compartment. The shades on the windows were drawn, and we were alone. I reached with my free hand to my back, feeling for wings, just in case. But no, all was smooth. The dream had seemed so very real though. I looked up at James' smiling face. He looked exactly like he had in my dream, except the care free wild grin was now in place, as it always should be. I never wanted to be the reason he lost that smile. Ever.
I looked into his deep hazel eyes, and tried to count every freckle on his face until he nudged me.
“Hmm? Are we here?” James laughed, a wonderful sound really. One that I never wanted to forget.
“Yeah,” He leaned in placing a kiss on my forehead before whispering into my ear. “You slept through the entire ride. But you missed Rosie's speech. Thank Merlin for you. Just stick close to me, okay Bena?”
I smiled at him, gripping his hand tightly. “Always James.”
~*~
You know that feeling you get when everything feels like you're walking on perfection? I knew that feeling for the first time in my life, and it was unfairly stolen from me. Not that I expected anything different. But I was given a taste of something I couldn't ever really have, and it hurt when it was taken away. That feeling made me want to make a clean break with everyone, and everything.
I may not have been talking to my best friend, and a hag from hell wanted my head on a silver platter, but I was content just walking alongside James. I didn't want to cut, I didn't want my dream to come true. Until she bumped into us.
~*~
We were quietly walking amongst the hoards of students on the train platform, looking for his mothers red hair. We'd lost his many cousin's on the train, I had wanted to change from my school robes, and James had waited, but now we were far behind everyone. James held me close to him, avoiding whatever hidden press we could, and out of nowhere she comes right up to us and knocks me down. Literately. I hit the floor with a thud.
Before James could even react, Vivian had offered her hand to me. Her face masking whatever true motives she had. I eyed it warily, before James ran a hand over his face nodding in apprehension. I took her hand, quite regretfully.
A look of triumph passed over her pretty features, as James spotted his mum.
“Come on Viv. I think I see my mother.”
She pulled me up roughly, pushing my sleeve back as she did. Her eyes widened in shock as she took in my many scars, some criss-crossing, others simply ragged and ugly. She pulled my sleeve down in one swift, cat line action before James could see.
“Oh Lena! I'm going to miss you so very much.” She wrapped her claw like hands around me, in what I'm sure was meant to be a comforting hug. Her lips grazed my ear. “Aren't you so pretty? Tut. Tut, Callena. Wrong move.” She could know. My mind wouldn't grasp the concept. It was impossible.
She pulled back just as quickly, smoothing her skirt and throwing me a look of twisted satisfaction of her shoulder.
“Do keep in touch, love.”
James eyed her back in confusion, after deciding the red head he saw was not his mother. He shook it off, oblivious to my watery eyes as always. “Oh, look! I do see her now! Ready to meet the famous Harry Potter?”
I nodded my head. No. I wasn't ready for anything of the sort.
~*~
So I satin the Weasley's family guest bath, as I had been since James went to play an impromptu game of quidditch in Ron's (as he'd told me to call him) back garden. I'd told Rose I was going for a shower, and she'd nodded her head, already addressing a letter to Scorp.
Scorp. He hadn't even said goodbye. Not a wave, or a smile. Merlin knows I could have used one at the train station. He stood with his mum and dad, not far away as I met the saviour of the Wizarding World.
~*~
“Come on Lean!” James nearly yelled dragging me by the arm. I didn't have the strength to complain.
We stopped in front of a beautiful woman with long red hair, and brown eyes. She smiled warmly as she looked me up and down. She was standing by what looked to me, an older version of Albus, but I knew from my history books to be Harry Potter.
Harry didn't look me up or down like his wife, he took my hand and looked me right in the eyes, before he ever introduced himself, he asked if I was okay.
I was too speechless to respond.
“I'm Harry, Harry Potter, but I'm sure you already knew that.” He chuckled, and I offered a weak smile in return.
“Don't be nervous. James talks about you all the time.” Seeing my frighted expression he added.
Not to worry! It's all good, all good.”
I offered my hand now to Ginny, who smiled again. “I'm Callena Indges, you can call me Lena.”
Mrs. Potter, but you can call me Ginny.” She laughed, taking my hand. “Well at least she's pretty.”
Harry nudged his wife playfully while James blushed beside me. “Well let's go find Rose you'll be going home with her I presume? We're right next door if Ron gets to be too much.”
I looked over his shoulder, offering a polite laugh. My mind elsewhere. The Malfoy family stood just behind Harry, and seemed as if Scorp looked me dead in the eyes before turned his back. A dry sob escaped my throat, but I quickly masked it as a cough.
~*~
I sat on the edge of the sink knowing full well that my best friend wasn't speaking to me, my boyfriend was oblivious as always, and a hag not only wanted my head, but she now knew how to deliver it. Her silver platter was engraved with scars.
I sighed, running a hand over my bare arm, my fingers flinching with every bump of a scar. Each and everyone of them told a story. I sighed again, slipping off the marble counter. I took my shirt off first, and then my jeans. I stood in front of the full length mirror taking myself in.
Scars covered my body, not heavily enough to be overly suspicious, but enough that if someone saw, they would know. What would difference would one more scar make? None at all. They would all fade to faint pink lines, only slightly puckered. There was one scar, jagged like the rest, but it ran the entire length of my back. It had stretched with the few inches I'd grown since I'd received it. Scorp hadn't seen that one. Only Madam Pomfrey had, and the representative from St. Mungo's. Nor had he seen the one hidden beneath my hair, no one had.
I was so engrossed with tracing over every scar I could reach that I didn't hear the door open. I turned as someone let out a gasp of shock, coming into the bathroom and shutting the door. I reached for my clothes haphazardly. They had had seen more than enough.
“Oh Lena.” Was all that they said before engulfing me in a fiery hug.
A/N: I'm sorry!!! I feel like this chapter place, but I'm content with the outcome. Hope you guys enjoyed it too!
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