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How Firewhiskey Ruined My Life by majamariamaja
Chapter 7 : My favourite candy
Rating: MatureChapter Reviews: 6

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Gorgeous CI by the talented AtomicPanda @ TDA

Chapter 7. My favourite candy

I'm in the shoooower. La-la-laaa! Washin', washin', washin'; under my aaarm, and the other aaarm! Up to the haaair; oh, oh, my BEAUTIFUL haaair! It's all so foamyyy, and nice - oh, baby it's so nice you might dieee! La-da-di-dooo. Chika-CHOW! Dadam....dadam...dadamdadamdadan DADAAAAAM!
And, I'm so clean! So, so clean, baby. Dee-dee-da. Beep bop, oh, yes watch me drop...the soaaaap! This is the most awesomest song, and-

"Ehm, Sirius?" I hear a voice calling, and I turn off the shower. "You okay in there?"

I hadn't realised I'd been singing out loud.


I have a beautiful voice - in my head. And in my head only. The thought of someone hearing me is-


Can't a bloke finish a thought around here?!

"Yeah," I answer, covering my red face with my hand, even though I know she can't possibly see me. "I'm fine."

"I didn't know you could...sing," I hear her teasing, and I roll my eyes at how I can actually picture her face when she says this.

"There's more to me than what meets the eye, Bell," I tell her, and reach out for the towel. It's black. With a lion. It's a man-towel.

All right, so it's a pink one with flower-shit on it. And I'm damning myself for not realizing this before now.

"Nice towel," Tabitha observes when I step out of the shower with the...masculine towel wrapped around my hips. A snorting laugh escapes her, and she puts her hand over her mouth.

"I'm confident in my sexuality," I inform her. "I'm such a manly man that I feel no shame in wearing this."

She raises an eyebrow at me, glancing over my figure with a half-approving, half-amused glint in her dark brown eyes. I like her eyes. Eyes that aren't blue or sickly green are a nice change. At least Tab's eyes don't make me uncomfortable.

"Okay, maybe a little shame," I admit, and she lets out a chuckle. "But you must admit, I'm sexy enough to pull this off."

And there is the reason Tabitha Bell and I keep coming back to each other: She gets the special gleam in her eyes that tells me something awesome is about to happen.

"And pull it off we shall."

With that she grabs the towel and yanks it off me in one swift move. She has jumped onto me and wrapped her legs around my waist before the towel hits the floor.

Bloody hell, she's a good kisser! Well, this is actually not a kiss - it's a snog. A proper, steamy snog that makes every single part of my anatomy get excited.

"Oh, blast!" she suddenly exclaims against my lips before quickly letting go of my hair and sliding down to the floor. My hands miss the contact with her bum immediately, and I lunge out to grab her hand and pull her to me again.

Tab lets out a tiny squeal of protests, but quickly shuts up when I crush my lips to hers again. And I mean literally crush; our teeth even clashed.

I don't care though, and neither does she.

"Sirius," she moans. Oh, yeah baby! "I really have to go."

No, baby!

"No, baby," I voice my thoughts, and begin to kiss her down the neck.


"Mhm," is all I can say, being too emotionally invested in sucking a bit on Tab's collarbone.

"I don't have a daddy complex," she tells me with a tone dripping of mockery.

"Baby, why do you have to go on and ruin it?" I ask between kisses, and keep making my way down to her cleavage.

Oh, yeah; she's only in her underwear. Did I forget to mention that? Huh. Strange.

"I have to calm you down, so I can finally get out of here-"

"Hey, hey hey," I interrupt with my eyebrows raised, I've taken a break from frolicking in her ample bosom for the moment(yes, I do speak Fancy fluently). "Finally? Now, let's not say things we do not mean."

"Fine," she sighs and rolls her eyes. This is not an eye-rolling moment, so I'm a bit annoyed by that. "I will cry myself to sleep every night for a week, but I do have to leave, my snuffle-duffle."

I swallow. Snuffle-duffle?

"Hahahahaha!" I cry out, and almost fall over laughing.

Without missing a beat, Tab takes advantage of my moment of weakness, and decides to jerk out of my grasp.

Damn her and her wily ways!

"You are a mean, lady," I accuse her and bend down to pick up the towel, but forget to put it on right away.

"And you're a sexoholic."

"I'm a sexoholic? That's appropriate coming from the girl who just jumped on top of me five minutes ago."

"What can I say?" She shrugs and smirks while stepping into her pants. "A girl's only got so much restraint."

I watch her as she dresses, and pull into a pout when her tits disappear under the sweater.

"Don't look at me like that," she orders while walking out of the bathroom and into my empty dormitory. I follow her - of course - and finally remember to put on the towel properly.

"Like what?" Cue innocent eyes.

"Like I'm a heartless bitch abandoning a puppy."

She has no idea how right she is about the 'puppy' part.


"Oh, come on," she groans, and picks up her broom(we didn't have enough time to put them away - if you know what I mean). "We made a deal, remember?"

"Yes," I grudgingly admit.

"It's just sex."

"I am aware of the rules." I put my hands on my hips, trying for a decisive stance. "And the rules clearly state that we're allowed to do it like rabbits all day!"

She just chuckles, and then runs her hand through her short hair, not even trying to flatten it. Her Gryffindor scarf is tied around her neck, and I watch as my signature hickey disappears behind it.

"You going outside?" I ask, my arms crossed in front of my chest. I'm flexing my muscles - she can't resist this. Like she said, 'a girl's only got so much restraint.'

"Yeah, I'm meeting McLaggen for-"

"McLaggen?!" I cry indignantly, and my arms fall down to my sides. "What're you meeting him for?!"

Tab just swoops in with a smirk and kisses me on the cheek before scurrying out of my room.

"Later, Sirius," she throws over her shoulder.

"Bye-bye; have fun with McLoser!" I throw back.

I've reached a new low.

It seems Tab agrees, cause I can hear her laughing from down the stairs.

I huff out a breath, and cross my arms over my chest like a sour-faced rugrat who was just refused his favourite candy.

Which is an appropriate analogy, considering Tab is my favourite candy.

Actually, if I had to choose between her and a cauldron full of Honeydukes' most delicious treats, I'd choose her in a heartb-

Or, wait... Put those two together.

Ooohh. Yes.

Officially added to my list of things to do before I die.

Along with punching Diedric McLaggen - the git - into an unrecognizable puddle of pulp. Which is not an act of jealousy - it's not like I just developed a strong dislike of the idiot.

Like this one time in first year when he snatched a strawberry off my plate without asking; it all began there. And six years later I still hate his guts.

What do you mean I hold grudges? I don't. I'm a very forgiving person. Just not when it involves strawberries - or Diedric McLaggen.

I mean, I don't love the idea of Tab and him spending time together, but it's not like it affects me. She can do whatever she wants with whomever she wants, I don't care.

Fucking hell, how I hate that bloke!

If he lays even a finger on her, I'll-

Whoah there; getting a bit carried away, aren't we?

Shut up, rational side of my brain! This isn't getting carried away, this is simply making sure that my pal is all right. That's all. Which is another way of saying that I don't want that moron to hurt her.

Like I wouldn't want anyone to hurt Prongs, or Moony, or Wormtail. Same thing.

Not exactly the sa-

Oh, shut it.

"So," Evans starts as she slumps down beside me on the couch in the common room, "what are we doing for New Year's Eve?"

My eyes are fixed on the flames, and I have no intention of looking away.

"Black?" she nudges my ribs a bit too hard for my liking, so I scowl at the fire, trying so hard to not meet Evans's horrible eyes. "Well, I think we should throw a party, or something like that. What do you think?"

"I think," I begin philosophically, "that your mission in life is to drive me bonkers."

"You've already arrived there without any help from me," Evans tells me. "I'd blame it on that group of troublemakers you call friends. Potter in particular."

I hate it when she says things like that. Nobody insults my friends but me.

"The only thing keeping my fist from rearranging your face is the annoying fact that you are a female. A fact that I personally think you are taking much advantage of."

"It's one of the few benefits of being a woman. Considering we're the ones enduring many hours of labour to bring your spawn into the world, and bleeding profusely every month for-"

" La la la!" I put my hands over my ears to drown out Evans's horrible tales of womanhood.

Evans pries my hands away, and gives me a frown.

"Stop being so childish," she reprimands, and I scowl into the fire again.

"I got enough details of the female anatomy to last me a lifetime from those sexuality classes..."

"Oh, those with Professor Fitwick? Yes, they were horrible. I remember blushing through those classes like my cheeks were set on fire."

We both shudder at the memory.

"But my sources tell me that you're not exactly a stranger to said female anatomy," she teases, and I see out of the corner of my eye that she's smirking. "Actually, you're navigating those waters quite nicely, if I've heard correctly. So Professor Flitwick's classes didn't seem to have put you off for long, I reckon."

I just shrug. I don't know how else to respond.

"Apropos, is it just a rumor, or have you been shagging Tabitha Bell for the past year?"

I swear, if I'd been drinking right now, the liquid would've shot right out of my nose.

"Oh, don't look so surprised, Black. Nobody can keep a secret at this school," says Evans. "Besides, I saw for myself that she ran out of your room this morning."

"No comment," I say when it's obvious that the redhead's looking for answers. She's one of the biggest gossips I know.

"Do you like her?" she presses. "She's rather funny-looking, but if that's your type-"

"You're saying that she's funny-looking? Do you own a mirror?" I say, but instantly regret it when my eyes meet hers - and I find them leaking.

"You're a horrible, inconsiderate bastard, Sirius Black! And I regret the day I ever met you and-"

"Oh, take a seat with all the other bitches waiting for me to give a shit," I tell her before getting up and walking away. And if it hadn't been for Evans having the worst aim in history, that vase she threw my way would've hit me in the back of my head. But she is, so it didn't.

The last thing I hear is a high-pitch shriek just before the portrait of the Fat Lady swings shut.

I'll never get over how mystifying and dangerous creatures women really are; they're a right hazard.

I'd be better off pairing up with the giant squid.


I ADORE Tabitha Bell - she's so cool. Evans is a sort of tomboy meets stereotypical teenage girl; Muffin is the sweetest, most innocent creature I ever beheld, but Tab is something different :)

Please report back on the progress(if you think I'm making any)!

All my love,


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