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Dating for Idiots by KatnissMalfoy
Chapter 1 : cats.
Rating: MatureChapter Reviews: 3

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"Percy, this is an intervention."

"I don't need help!" he moaned and rubbed his glasses, which were smeared with a mysterious brown substance. (Nutella of course)

"Yes, you do." a feminine voice yelled, sounding suspiciously as commanding as Mrs. Weasley. "You haven't showed up to the Ministry in a week!" 

"I told you, I'm doing fantastic! I'm fine!"  Percy complained, and ran his hand through his matted reddish-brown hair, which hadn't been brushed in a week or two, or maybe even more. 

"No you're not, you fool." a voice said laughingly.

Percy picked at his ugly jumper that he knitted himself last week, as another, more mature voice said, "Your flat is a complete mess. Ginny has spotted ten or more cats roaming around in here, you've knitted a sweater, hair is wild and shaggy, the trash is overflowing past the kitchen and into the living room.. I wonder what Fleur would say.."

"False, there's actually close to fifteen," Percy choked out in between sobs. 

"What the bloody hell has happened to you?" a seventh figure yelled with a loud pop, followed by the sound of crunching food. 

While it seemed as though this was a redhead convention held in one London flat, it was really just all the siblings from one giant family.. and one of their own kind was in fact, wasting away because he had a) been single for far too long, b) had finally cracked after he pitched a forever-alone tantrum, and the scariest, c) he was starting to knit his own sweaters. 

A loud bang filled the flat, and some spiders in jars rattled on a shelf. The lanky brother sprinted to the kitchen, screaming like a little girl, while his younger sister rolled her eyes.

A brown-haired male materialised into the room, a sarcastic smirk plastered onto his handsome features. The redheaded sister, the only female in the room, looked up and glared at him, a bushy cat in her arms. 

"Perce? Is that you? I can't hear you over how fucking ridiculous you look." 
"Go away, Olive, Nobody likes you--" Percy burst into a fresh batch of wails and tears. "Your mum is a trashbag." he squeaked out before burying his stubbly face in his grimy hands. 

"Wood, this is not a good time. In fact, it is really never a good time to talk to you, because you are a git." the lanky brother called from Percy's kitchen, lazily flicking his wand, while a sandwich was creating itself. "Ah, Nutella, the best thing the Muggles created.." he mumbled, while Wood was awkwardly trying to pat the moaning Percy on the shoulder with a backscratcher. 

"EVERYBODY JUST SHUT IT!" a tall sibling with a ponytail and leather barked. "You are all being ridiculous. Charlie - you are not going to experiment on one of Percy's cats in Romania. George - no sneaking your joke-store-poison-crap into Percy's Nutella. Ron - No more eating, Percy hasn't gone shopping in ages, you'll eat all of his food up and he'll starve to death. Ginny - I know you want to keep his cats, but you can't, no more pets, we have Ron, also-- OI! No hexing Wood! He has a match tomorrow! WE ARE MATURE ADULTS, SO LET'S ACT LIKE IT! We all have families  - except Charlie, because you're strange."

Percy sobbed harder and stared at the knitting needles. The screaming continued until-

"OI! DO YOU WANT ME TO CALL MUM?" Bill yelled.  

Ron, gangly and freckled, shook his head nervously. Ginny widened her brown eyes nervously. George looked quickly at Bill and stopped poisoning Percy's food. Charlie appeared again in the front room with a light pop. 

"That always works, doesn't it?" Bill said, looking particularly proud of himself. "Now, we are here to help Percy. Not kill him" (he shot a look at George) "or make fun of him." 

"But making fun of him is fun!" Oliver Wood complained, inspecting artefacts that were completely strange to him. "What in Voldemort's name are these?" 

"He's still here?" George asked curiously. "Oliver, I mean. Not Voldemort. I'm not stupid."

Oliver stopped patting Percy with a backscratcher. "That's news."

Percy turned in his chair, his pale face red and blotchy. "DVDs.. Those are Doctor Who if you're curious, she showed them to me--" he dissolved into another round of sniffles as the thought of Muggle gadgets made his think of his Muggle-born ex. (They broke up more than five years ago, and he was single since then.)

"Doctor Who, what?" Oliver asked, now inspecting a doll. "What is this?" 

Percy, now looking even soggier than ever, looked up, but smiled at the sight of the doll. "Oh, that little bugger is a voodoo doll of the writer of Doctor Who and Sherlock.. he always knows how to ruin perfectly good relationships but he's so amazing.." he let out another sniff, and his grey-brown eyes grew misty. 

"You've got issues, mate." Oliver Wood rolled his dark eyes and turned onto a heap of books, most of them having odd titles such as "The Hitchhiker's Guid to the Galaxy" and "A Study in Scarlet". "And you like books.. Ew, I hate reading."

"OI!" Percy cried. "I've been reading loads lately! And I'm perfectly fine!"

"That doesn't say much, since you've been making your own clothes lately." Ginny snapped. 

"It's a One Ring jumper!" Percy protested as Ginny looked suspiciously at the little Smeagols and Frodos decorating the jumper. 

"Why are we even here?" Ron complained. "Hermione wants me home by five, and I want to take The Tube, the cultural history is simply fascinating.."

Percy started whimpering again.

"We're here because Percy, has decided that he will be forever alone, pitched a tantrum and started collecting animals and he wants a girlfriend." Charlie, who was very considerate, explained.

"And I thought I acted weird when I broke up with my girlfriend." Oliver Wood stated flatly. 

"You're still here?" Ron asked from the cupboards, rummaging for food. "Ugh, A shrunken head in the fridge, really?" 

Bill, who was a rational thinker, said, "Why don't we just set you up with girls we know?"

Percy sighed. "But.. no! I want to find a girlfriend myself!" 

It was Ginny's turn to pitch in to the conversation. "Don't you get it? We're trying to help! Without it, you'll never get off your lazy arse and get a girlfriend, you fool!" 

Percy wiped his eyes on his handmade jumper. "Quit hatin', Ginny. You're being a hater!"

"He's officially lost it, he's using slang." Oliver said while running his large hands down a skull that was resting on Percy's mantle. 

Ginny nodded. "He's right, the Percy we all know and hate doesn't use words like 'hater'.. It seems like his brain has gone wonky."

"Obviously.. actually, he's always been wonky, this time, he's wonkier." Ron said, curiously inspecting Percy's laptop. 

"Oi!" Percy shouted weakly. "I'm not wonky, I'm fine! Get out all of you, or.." 

"Or what?" George asked, suddenly reappearing with a trademarked Weasley smirk on his face, signalling he was up to no good. (Not that he was ever up to anything actually good.) 

"OR I'LL EXTERMINATE YOU." Percy yelled. 

"Shit just got real." Oliver Wood said dryly, tossing Percy's television remote in his hands. 

"Okay, then," Percy said even louder. "I WILL DELETE YOU." 

"Somebody get him a girlfriend." George said, and everyone in the room,  except Percy, nodded in consensus. 


Three Hours Later~

Thanks to Ginny and her constant blackmail of owling their mum, Percy and his flat were looking much better. Because of her Bat-Bogey Hex threat, his glasses were free of any sandwich spread, and he had showered and brushed his hair. At that moment, he was wearing a plaid shirt, skinny jeans (George dubbed them "indie Muggle shit clothes" and added, "just wear robes, mate.") and, much to Ginny's disappointment, a royal blue self-knitted scarf, with a TARDIS in the centre.  

"You look.. presentable, Percy." she said, glancing worriedly at the dozen cats and cartons of ice cream. "We just need to work on the girlfriend situation." 

Oliver Wood, who was still there, nodded. Ron, who was hungry, left, but Bill, Charlie, and George were sprawled on the couch, looking horribly bored and very uncomfortable. 

"I've had plenty of girlfriends," Oliver said, in which Percy responded by flashing a rude hand gesture, "They're very easy to come across. You have to be cool."

"Well, I've had one. She was Muggle-born.. We're still friends.." Percy sniffed again. "No, Ginny, we're not secretly hooking up!" 

"What was her name?" Charlie asked. 

"Pen Clearwater." Percy said sadly. 

"Oh, that nerd girl? I heard she's a successful author now." Oliver said, turning a rather awkward shade of pink. 

"Since when did you learn how to read?" Percy asked, annoyed at the sudden talk about Pen. Sure, she was fun and painfully awkward, and sure, she did introduce him to many fantastic Muggle things, but they weren't together anymore. 

"Well, I know this girl," Bill said. "Friend of Fleur's, she's pretty and all, I could set you two up.." 

"Oh," Charlie said. "I have some friends that might be interested," (George let out a loud snort.) "One said that she liked nerdy blokes." (George and Ginny were fighting to hold back laughter.)

"A-and I know some pretty g-girls who like males," George managed, still laughing over the thought that anyone would actually be interested in his greasy-haired, long-nosed, socially incompetent brother.  

Ron, who just got back with some fish fingers in time to catch the conversation, said, "I'm sure Hermione has single friends, I could set you up with them." 

Ginny sighed. "Just call her 'Mione, practically everyone else does!" 

Ron continued to munch on his fish fingers. "No! Hermione is such a beautiful name.. the first time I heard it, I knew I was in love-- WHAT WAS THAT?" (George threw a cat on his face to get him to shut up.) 

Percy blinked, not believing the news. "And Ginny? You have friends, right?" 

"None that I'd care to lose." 

Percy huffed. "Any friends that you wouldn't mind losing in case the date goes bad?" 

Bill clapped Ginny on the shoulder and hem-hemmed loudly. "Sure, I can sacrifice a mate.." she whined, stealing a few chips from Ron. 

"I have loads of lady friends," Oliver boasted, earning glares from all Weasleys, annoyed that he was still there. "I'm sure I could set you up with one.. You could ask Pen, too, since she appears to be your only friend, which is kind of lame, because she's your ex." 

Percy blinked again. "Would you really do this? For me?"

"We hate to see you acting like this." Bill, the most considerate out of all his siblings, explained. "You're a right awful tosser sometimes, but you're our brethren."   

"Also, because it's funny when you try to date people and they think you're so annoying and dull." Oliver said, and George smiled. 

"You also need to do something about these cats." Ginny commanded. 

"But they all have names!" Percy complained. "There's Doctor, Rory, Amy, Rose, Martha, Donna, TARDIS, Master, Mickey, Sherlock, John, Moriarty, Lestrade.. and Expelliarmus." Percy explained, the tips of his ears turning red. 

"You named your cat Expelliarmus?" Oliver shook his head. "I wonder what Pen would say." 

Percy sighed. "Why would you care about her?" 

Oliver flushed again. "Why do you ask? What's up with the questions? I don't even know her, okay? Seriously, we never even talk, it's not like we're close, you're closer, you know? You guys are like best friends, it's not like we talk, psh, not even, I don't eat lunch with her, and we're definitely not dating, not even, that's ridiculous!" 

Ginny coughed. "You're ridiculous."

Percy furrowed his brow. "This is about me! Seriously! So you'd really set me up with people you know? That's fantastic!" 

Charlie grinned. "As long as girls distract you from.. this." He mentioned to Nutella-smeared books, chick flick DVDs, cats roaming around, and crocheted scarves. 

Percy grinned. "Well, thanks, I guess." he straightened his glasses. "I haven't been keeping track.. What day is it?"

Oliver answered. "My game is tomorrow.. we always play on Fridays.. today is the day before Friday.. it must be.. hold on, it's.. Thursday."

"Took you much too long, Wood." Ginny snapped. She was attempting to corral Percy's cats "Pond" and "Spock" into the front room. 

"I never did get a hang of Thursdays." Percy said, clicking his knitting needles together. 

Author's Note:
Hi, second Percy/Audrey here, and yep. Reviews are welcomed, so yeah! Thanks for reading, you reader, you. 

Doctor Who & Sherlock belong to BBC
The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy was written by Douglas Adams
The cats' names belong to BBC, Star Trek, or JK Rowling 
"Never did get a hold of Thursdays" belongs to Douglas Adams
A Study in Scarlet was written by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
Daleks, Cybermen, and the TARDIS are from the BBC.

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