She was a transfer student to Hogwarts, and apparently Hogwarts had things called houses and which one you ended up in was very important. If you ended up in Slytherin, for example, you were destined to be an evil wizard and to have no friends, where if you ended up in Gryffindor, you were destined to be very well-liked and to die a tragic, noble death.
Looking at the Slytherins, Willow was not surprised. Her new best friends James and Sirius (who she had met on the train) had not needed to tell her that they were evil. They were all ugly and had unibrows. The girls even had mustaches.
Only evil people were ugly. Everyone knew that. You could always tell good people by their glossy hair and good posture.
Willow stepped forward and sat on the stool. Then the Sorting Hat had a conversation with her that was somewhat related to her Sorting but mostly outed a few people’s secret scandals.
The Hat, of course – from what she’d gathered, anyway – was not just a magical hat that Sorted people. It was also essentially omniscient. It knew about all the torrid affairs and poor life choices the students it Sorted would make years from the time of their Sorting. It knew when you were sleeping, and when you were awake. It even knew if you’d been bad or good, though unlike Santa it had no power to do anything about it.
This was probably a good thing, because Hogwarts was a hotbed of criminal activity and illicit encounters and that sort of thing.
Apparently, there was no such thing as Sorter-Sortee confidentiality. Willow learned all sorts of things about Hogwarts students that she could use much later. After all, good people could be blackmailers too, as long as they only blackmailed bad people.
Thankfully, once they were done with their conversation, the hat yelled, “Gryffindor!”
Willow got up and pranced past the Slytherin table. She was trained in ballet, and liked to use it instead of walking around normally. There was no point in having a talent if you didn’t show it off at all times. That was what separated you from the talentless nobodies.
Not that anyone would ever think that Willow was a nobody. She and her half-sister Apolline were half-veela, so they were the most beautiful girls in the world.
She did a grand jeté past the Hufflepuff table, and they all gasped in appreciation for her amazing talent. When she reached the Ravenclaw table, she stopped to do a pirouette. They looked like the educated artists who would really understand what it meant on a deeper level, and sure enough, they applauded her.
When Willow finally reached the Gryffindor table, she sat down next to James and Sirius. She had known them for only a day, but she was already one of their most trusted friends and had been inducted into their group as an honourary Marauder. Thankfully, she was already an unregistered animagus, so she fit in perfectly.
She had already decided to convince them to replace Peter immediately. Remus was all right (though perhaps a bit boring compared to James and Sirius), but there was something about Peter she just didn’t like.
She gazed at Peter, trying to figure it out. He was not as muscled and handsome as the rest of the Gryffindor boys. Perhaps that was it. He was not quite ugly enough to be a Slytherin – he didn’t have a unibrow, for one thing – but perhaps he should have been in Hufflepuff. His forehead was so sweaty that she wondered if a snail had been crawling across it, and for some reason, his nose reminded her of a turtle.
Willow decided right then and there that she needed to convince James and Sirius to get rid of Peter. It shouldn’t be too hard, she reasoned with herself. After all, James was practically like a brother now, and Sirius was her best friend in the whole world.
She was sure that he would fall in love with her, because all boys did. Who could resist her obvious talent and amazing good looks?
“Hey, Lily, do you want to go out with me?” James asked a red-haired girl across the table. He messed up his hair and smiled at her. “Because I’m totally in love with you.”
She wrinkled her nose. “No, Potter, I hate you. Also, you are bad at Quidditch.” She turned away and stuck her nose up in the air.
James looked down at his meal sadly, and Willow – as his brand new surrogate sister – patted his arm. “It’s okay,” she said. “Really, that sort of hatred can only lead to marriage.”
He cheered immediately. “You think so?”
“Of course.” Willow tossed her silvery hair over her shoulder. Peter watched her in amazement, and she felt the familiar feeling of disgust she always got when an unworthy boy wanted her. “I know these things.”
James hugged her. “Thank you, Willow. What did I ever do without you?” He looked at Sirius. “No offense, mate. Everyone knows that our bromance will last for eternity.”
“Of course it will, Prongs,” Sirius said comfortably. “We will always be the best of friends, and if you are ever killed by some horrible force, I will avenge your death and take care of any children you leave behind.”
“I would do the same for you,” James said, tears rising to his eyes.
Willow looked at Sirius, who was blinking rather rapidly. “Sorry,” he said throatily. “We just became best friends immediately and have been inseparable since. Except when I make out with girls in corridors, because I am a player.”
James said very loudly, “I am not a player. I am saving myself for one special girl.” The redhead shot him a glance, and he put a hand over his heart. “All of this is for you, Lily.”
She rolled her eyes and turned away.
“We should eat,” Remus said loudly. Willow could already tell that Remus was the sort of person who would get forgotten except when sensible suggestions needed to be made or to fulfill some plot important role, because Remus was simply not as cool as James or Sirius.
She dipped her spoon into her soup and ate very carefully. She had been taught in her old school that it was important to eat like a lady and to always present the proper front at all times. It often meant that her meals were limited to soup or salad, but that kept her figure slim, which was very important, because the hero of the story needed to be attractive.
“Peter, put your eyes back in your head,” Sirius snapped. Willow looked up, and Peter hastily looked down at his meal. Sirius scowled at him.
Willow smiled at Sirius sweetly, and he blushed and looked down at his meal. “You are my knight in shining armor,” she informed him.
“Good,” he answered. “By the way, I have a motorcycle and it flies.”
Willow decided that if Sirius ever gave up his player ways, she would date him.
After that, it was very easy to convince them all not to hang out with Peter. James was too busy asking Lily out every single day, and Remus mostly existed only when he was useful, and the rest of the time he was mysteriously missing. Sirius, of course, was the easiest – he had already decided he hated Peter, because Peter wanted to go out with Willow and Sirius did not approve of that.
Of course, having a witch as talented and amazing as Willow in their lives changed the Marauders’ direction significantly. She’d convinced them to get rid of Peter, so they were left surrounded only by the most trustworthy people in the entire world. That meant that canon could not progress as normal, and the world just continued to get more and more off-track.
But Willow was sufficiently amazing and interesting to read about that no one could help but forgive her. After all, how often did you meet a half-veela trained as a ballerina who was also an exceptional duelist, got an O in all ten N.E.W.T.s she took, and ensnared the heart of the notorious player, Sirius Black?
Yeah, she thought so.
A/N: So this is something that's been sitting on my computer for awhile. It's a little - well, more than a little - ridiculous and clichéd, and I hope I made you laugh at least once or twice. :P For the record, this should not be taken as accompanying any of my other stories in any other way.
I referenced some events/people from canon, including Fleur's mother Apolline - of course, anything you see that you recognise from the books is JKR's property. :)
I hope you enjoyed it, and I'd love to hear your thoughts!
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