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War of the Exes by writergirl8
Chapter 20 : My Junk
Rating: MatureChapter Reviews: 12

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  Lavender Brown had never seen so much red hair in one place. Her mouth was wide open as she looked around the huge living room at Harry and Ginny's house, filled with a fascinating array of different personalities. There were all of the Weasley boys, their children, their wives. There was Mr. and Mrs. Weasley, the much adored King and Queen of the whole flock. Harry and Ginny were there, sort of like leaders, in high positions because they were the Ron and Hermione experts. Neville, his wife, Hannah Abbott, Luna, her boyfriend, Rolf Scamander, Andromeda and Teddy were all there. And they were going in. This war had just gotten a new commander, a new leader. The strategy had completely changed. At the start of these ex games, Hermione and Ron had been the ones who were trying to mess with each other. But now the whole family was going to be messing with them, so that they would, by their own free will, be pushed into telling each other the truth. And Lavender and Ginny would not rest until that happened.

“EVERYONE! QUIET DOWN, WILL YOU?” Lavender shouted, and the chatter in the room died away. “Good,” Lavender said, looking satisfied. “Welcome to Headquarters, people. Headquarters to what, you may ask?” She flicked her wand at the wall, and a large banner appeared bearing the words Headquarters of Operation: Ron and Hermione. “Oh yes,” Lavender said, smirking.

There was a smattering of applause, led by Fleur, during which Lavender took a bow. Viktor spoke next.

“This is our combined effort to finally get Ron and Hermione together. Forever. Ve vant all the help ve can get, so please put your best foot forward into operations. Ve are absolutely blessed to have practical joke extraordinaire George Veasley with us. George, you vill be of very good use to this project, so ve vant to thank you for agreeing to come.”

“My pleasure,” George responded. “I think we can agree that this whole thing has gotten a little out of hand-” (here, he glared pointedly at Ginny) “-but I would also argue that the out-of-handness doesn't mean we can't have a little fun.”

“Here here!” Angelina cheered. Audrey bit her lip.

“I don't know about this, maybe we should just have an intervention and tell them about how what they're doing is wrong and slip in the secret.”

“No,” Harry said, cutting in. “They need to tell each other. If they don't they'll regret it forever. They need to be the firsts to say the words, and they need to say them of their own free will.”

“Troops,” Ginny said, gazing at her friends and family members. “This isn't going to be easy. This is going to be quite tough, actually. The two people in question are quite bright. One is the smartest witch of her age, the other is an auror. But we can defeat them! We will plot for the greater good!”

“Ginny, dear, you're starting to sound like Grindelwald,” Mrs. Weasley pointed out.

“Back down a little, yeah?” Charlie added, his eyes twinkling at his youngest sibling.

“Sorry,” Ginny said. “I stayed up all last night watching inspirational movies.”

“She did,” Harry said. “She wouldn't even leave the TV to take care of the babies. I had to do everything.”

“Guys, stay on topic. Back to the drawing board,” Lavender barked. She waved her wand, and a large white board appeared with the words Drawing Board written on top. “Any ideas?”

“Maybe we can plan another wedding for someone, but then say that those people aren't going to get married anymore, and just sort of give the wedding to Ron and Hermione!” Hannah suggested. Ginny shook her head.

“I'm not planning another wedding, thank you very much,” she said.

“Perhaps we can all chip in to buy them a very nice dinner, and then slip something into their tea?” Fleur said.

“What part of free will do you not understand?” Lavender snapped, and Fleur gave her an annoyed look.

“Maybe we could get them very, very drunk,” Charlie put in.

“No good,” Harry said, shaking his head. “Hermione doesn't drink enough to loose her inhibitions, and Ron can hold his liquor too well. He'd drink himself to that point but then he wouldn't remember it the next morning because that's how far gone he'd have to be to spill the secret.”

Disappointed, Lavender erased Charlie's suggestion from the white board.

“What if we told them that they'd both get promoted at the Ministry if they just told each other the truth, because that would prove that they had good conduct?” said Percy.

“Not everyone's obsessed with work, Perce,” George said. “I doubt that would matter, or be plausible. I think we should get some Weasley fireworks that spell out the words TELL EACH OTHER THE TRUTH ABOUT YOUR FAKE RELATIONSHIPS, DAMMITT! and then they'll think that Merlin is trying to tell them that and they'll just do it.”

“People, people, people- the answer to this is so simple! The Crumple Horned Snorkak has been proven to get people to spill their guts about the most-”

“Moving on,” Ginny said. “Any other suggestions?”

“We could lock them in a vault at Gringotts and not let them out until they tell the truth!” Angelina said enthusiastically.

“Nah, the Goblins wouldn't go for it,” Bill shrugged. “I'd say-”

“WAIT!” Lavender said, throwing her hand up. “That is a brilliant idea!”

“But it's not-” Bill started, but Lavender silenced him.

“It doesn't need to be Gringotts, silly! It can be anywhere! It can be a room that we lock them in with food and a bed and a little bathroom built off the side, and then it won't open until they've said it.”

“There are several issues with that,” Audrey pointed out logically. “First of all, where would we find a room that just magically kept them in there?”

“Oh,” Lavender said, biting her lip.

Mr. Weasley's face brightened.

“We can lock them in there. We'll keep guard and let them out when we hear them confess.”

“Unless we confiscate their wands, Hermione and Ron will be able to blast the door down,” Mrs. Weasley sighed. “Damn us for letting them go to Hogwarts!”

“You realize that they wouldn't have met if we hadn't sent Ron, right?” Mr. Weasley chuckled, and Mrs. Weasley laughed.

“Of course, dear.”

“Besides,” Krum said, looking defeated. “Even if we figured out a way to make the door unblastable, vere vould ve find a room vith all the provisions ve need?”

And suddenly, Neville spoke up for the first time since the meeting started.

“It's brilliant!” he breathed. “Why didn't I think of it before?”

“Think of what, Neville?” Andromeda asked.

“The Room of Requirement, of course!” Neville said happily. “It has everything we need!”

And that was when the plan began to form. Six stages, it was perfect and clear and so perfectly clear that the members of Operation: Ron and Hermione wondered why they hadn't thought of it before. Quickly, Lavender had everyone willing to help sign their names on the white board. Then she divided people into stages.

Bill Weasley- STAGE TWO
Fleur Weasley- STAGES FIVE/SIX
Victiore Weasley- STAGE ONE
Dom Weasley- STAGE ONE
Charlie Weasley- STAGE TWO
Percy Weasley- STAGE TWO
Audrey Weasley- STAGES FIVE/SIX
Molly Weasley II- STAGE ONE
Hannah Abbott- STAGE THREE
Neville Longbottom- STAGE FOUR
Angelina Weasley- STAGES FIVE/SIX
Roxy Weasley- STAGE ONE
Andromeda Tonks- STAGE ONE
Teddy Tonks- STAGE ONE
Luna Scamander- STAGE TWO
Rolf Scamander- STAGE TWO
Harry Potter- STAGE TWO
Lavender Brown- STAGE FIVE/SIX
Viktor Krum: STAGE THREE

“OKAY!” Lavender called through the crowd. “Everyone go find out what your stage is. I want you to get into your groups and formulate plans. As you'll notice, a lot of people are on stage two. This is a very important stage, and you guys need to be as creative as possible.”

“Oh no!” Harry exclaimed. “Why do I have to be on stage two? Why can't I be on stage five with Ginny?”

“You're too lax for stage five. We need Ginny's temper with us on that one. But you're perfect for stage two,” Lavender said.

For the next two hours, everyone worked hard to come up with a plan for their stages. They left the house reasonably assured that their mission would go absolutely perfectly.

“Remember,” Lavender called, “Stage One begins tomorrow- Sunday for those who don't know- so that we can make Stage Four happen by Friday or Saturday. Got it?”

Everyone called back their affirmative responses. And Stage One of Operation: Ron and Hermione did indeed begin the next Thursday.

STAGE ONE: In Which Young Children Do Research

Hermione Granger was shaken from her slumber on Saturday morning by the sound of the excited chattering outside of her door. A second later there were a few loud knocks and she bolted out of bed in surprise.

“Did you invite someone here?” Hermione asked a stirring Ron as she put on a robe, and he shook his head, turning over in the bed. Hermione bit her lip and walked over to the front door. She opened it and let out a shocked gasp. Andromeda Tonks was standing there with five young children peering hopefully up at Hermione at her sides. “Um, hello,” Hermione said, confused. “To what do I owe this pleasure?”

Andromeda smiled.

“Well, as you can see I'm having a little party for Teddy, and the children were asking for stories about Hogwarts. Well, I can barely remember my time there, so I couldn't tell them anything. But I know that you got up to some wonderful adventures while you were at school, so I was wondering if you could tell them some stories?”

Hermione considered this. Then she lowered her voice and said,

“A lot of my Hogwarts stories are a bit... dark for this age-group. I mean, I hardly think any of them want to hear about the things we did to fight Voldemort when they're this young.”

“Aunt Hermione?” Teddy piped up, “Do you think you could tell us about Dumbledore's Army and the Room of Requirement?”

Hermione smiled softly and ruffled Teddy's hair.

“Of course! Now that I can tell you about. Come in, come in.”

Andromeda ushered the children into Hermione's living room, and as she did so the door to Hermione's bedroom opened. Ron walked out, yawning and shirtless. She let out an alarmed squeak and pointed her wand in his direction. Ron was pushed back into her bedroom, the door of which closed firmly behind him after he'd landed on her bed with a thump.

“So!” she said, plastering a smile onto her face and sitting down in a squishy armchair, around which the children sat. Hermione felt rather like St. Nicholas. She kind of liked it. “I suppose I should start by telling all of you that when I was sixteen years old, one of the Hogwarts's classes was run by a very nasty woman, a woman who actually just got out of Azkaban a few years ago.”

“Why was she in Azkaban, Aunt Hermione?” Victoire asked.

“She was mean to muggle-borns,” Hermione said. “And that is very wrong. But when she taught at Hogwarts she was mean to everyone! So Uncle Harry decided to start a Defense Against the Dark Arts group so that he could teach everyone how to do magic better. And, as Teddy has told us, it was called Dumbledore's Army.”

“Good job, Teddy,” Andromeda said gently, and Teddy gave them all a big, open mouthed grin.

“One day, during one of the Defense classes, Uncle Ron told me not to worry because he would go easy on me. Obviously, I got him before he got to me. But, of course, to save his manliness he told his brothers that he meant to let me get him, which was entirely untrue. So then there was-”

“Excuse me Aunt Hermione,” Molly said in her squeaky little voice. “But could you tell us more about the room?”

Hermione looked startled, but she nodded.

“Well, you go to Hogwarts and you pace back and forth three times, thinking about what you want the room to be. And then this door appears, and you walk through the door and that's how you get into the room.”

“Aunt Hermione,” Victoire said, “would the room work if the instructions to change were given by a person on the outside, but he or she didn't actually go inside?”

“What do you mean?” Hermione asked, finding it odd that Victoire was asking such an astute question.

“If someone else was in the room, could the person outside give the initial instructions as long as they stayed there the whole time?” Teddy rephrased. Hermione frowned.

“I suppose so,” she said. She turned to Andromeda and mouthed they're so smart!

Andromeda smiled lovingly down at the children, then glanced at her watch.

“Oh no! Dear, please forgive us, we really must be going,” she said, patting Hermione on the head. Hermione noticed that Andromeda pressed down just a little more then usual. The children stood up and were out Hermione's door in the blink of an eye. She could have sworn she heard someone say, “The otter says affirmative. Prankster's gadget planted.”

But Hermione didn't dwell on it, because a very confused Ron had just made his way out of her bedroom and, after she explained, began distracting her the best he knew how.

STAGE TWO: In Which Everyone Tries to be As Annoying As Humanly Possible

There were very few situations in which Ron Weasley enjoyed having his back against the wall. This one, however, was one that he would describe as bloody awesome. As Hermione's hands slipped under his shirt and up his chest, he let his own tangle themselves into her hair. It was then that a sudden noise made them jump. Hermione pulled away from Ron, looking confused and slightly dazed.

“What's that?” she asked breathlessly. Ron shrugged and walked over to the door to pull it open.

“Ron, mate! I've just had the most brilliant idea! You should come visit me in Romania!”

It was Charlie, knocking on the door to Ron's house.

“Um... what?” Ron said, looking confused.

“Come to Romania! We can have a whole weekend where all we do is hang out and look at the dragons and-”

Now?” Ron asked.

“No,” Charlie said, looking at him oddly. “Like... in a week.”

“No thanks, Charlie,” Ron said, shaking his head. “I need to stay here.”



“Awww, c'mon, Ron. Don't be a killjoy,” Charlie said. “We can play Quidditch everyday! It'll be brilliant.”

“No thanks,” Ron repeated.

“Well, can I at least come in for some tea?” Charlie asked. Ron glanced back towards his bedroom. Hermione was sticking her head out of it. He met her eyes and she shrugged and mouthed the words, I'll come back tomorrow.

“Okay, Charlie,” Ron sighed. “Come on in.”


Once again, Hermione and Ron found themselves at Hermione's cottage, snogging on the couch. It was a similar situation to one they often found themselves in, because Hermione's place was usually very quiet. Unfortunately, it seemed that some forces above did not want the two of them to be snogging. For the second time in two days, Ron and Hermione were interrupted.

“Hermione!” came a weepy voice. Hermione looked up.

“Luna?” she called. The door burst open and Luna Lovegood barged into the house in a fit of tears. Hermione instantly rolled off of Ron and went to comfort her friend. “Luna, what's wrong?”

Luna looked at Hermione with wide, tear filled eyes.

“I had a f-fight w-with R-Rolf!” Luna sobbed. Ron leaped up from his spot on the couch as Luna dramatically tumbled onto it.

“Oh no!” Hermione said. “That's awful! What was it about?”

Luna paused her tears, looking confused. Then she dissolved into wails again.

“I don't want to talk about it,” she announced. She hadn't seemed to have noticed Ron, and with pleading eyes he begged Hermione to let him leave. She nodded and sat down on the couch next to Luna.

“It's okay, every thing's going to be fine,” Hermione said soothingly. Ron sighed as he closed the door behind him. That was two Hermione-less days. And counting.


“Ron, c'mon!” came a pleading voice. “We haven't played Quidditch in forever!”

“Not now Harry!” Ron groaned. “I'm kind of busy!”

“Doing what?”


“Well you snog all the time!” Harry said, unphased. “Stop snogging for a few hours and come play Quidditch with me.”

“You have to be kidding!” Hermione moaned. “HARRY, GO AWAY!”

“NO! I'm staying here until Ron plays Quidditch with me.”

“I'll play Quidditch when we're finished,” Ron yelled through the door. “And I'll have you know that this is just about the weirdest conversation we've ever had, mate.”

“No, you two like to cuddle after you have sex, and by that time it'll be dark out.”

“He has a point,” Hermione whispered in Ron's ear.

So Ron got up and played Quidditch with Harry. By the time he came back, Hermione was gone.


“Hermione!” called Mr. Weasley's voice. Hermione let out a frustrated huff.

“Uh-hu?” she said, because her brain had just turned to mush and those were the only coherent words she could form at the moment.

“Hermione, I need help! Could you open the door please?”

Hermione sighed, then stood up and opened the door to her home.

“What do you need help with?” Hermione asked kindly.

“I... I'm having trouble understanding the function of a cellaphone,” Mr. Weasley sighed. “Can I come in?”

“Oh! Of course,” Hermione said politely, stepping aside for Mr. Weasley. “And it's a cell phone, not a cellaphone.”

“See! That's how much trouble I'm having with the concept. What exactly is it a cell phone and not a cellaphone? And what's the difference between a cell phone and a telephone? Ron, what are you doing here?”

Hermione bit her lip.

“I think we're going to need tea.”


Ron angrily pulled the door to his house open. His annoyed expression vanished into confusion as he saw the person standing on his doorstep. Rolf Scamander walked right past Ron and into the house without even asking, causing Hermione to let out a surprised squeal and button up her shirt as quickly as she possibly could.

“What are you doing here?” Ron demanded.

“Luna still isn't talking to me,” Rolf sniffed.

“So...?” Ron said.

“Well, your first name starts with an R,” Rolf said as if this cleared everything up.


“People whose first names start with the same letter should stick together!” Rolf insisted.


“We tend to have the same romantic issues.”

“Why?” Hermione asked this time.

“Well, it all dates back to the Stone Age, when the first Nargle came into existence...”


“Ron,” Hermione breathed, “I want you to know that this is not going to be a regular occurrence, and it is only in my deepest form of desperation that I would even consider us doing this.”

“Relax, Hermione,” Ron said, moving his lips down to her neck. “This is why they give people offices with doors. Didn't you know that?”

“No,” Hermione said, trying to keep her focus. “They gave me this office because I am a model employee.”

“Yeah, sure,” Ron muttered. “Well, at least no one can bother us here.”


“Hey, Ron and Hermione!”

The door had burst open without the two of them noticing, and Hermione and Ron jumped away from each other, looking guilty.

“I thought you put locking and silencing charms on the door?” Hermione hissed to Ron. He looked confused.

“I... did?”

“I unlocked it,” Bill said cheerily.

“How did you find me?”

“Just a hunch. Hey, Ron, want to go to lunch with me and mum?”

“Oh my god,” Ron said, banging his head against the wall. “Someone kill me before I die from sexual frustration.”

“Gee, is that possible?” Bill wondered aloud. “You can tell me all about it at lunch!”


He was trying to ignore the obnoxious noise. But, honestly, after three minutes of it, Ronald Weasley was about to loose his temper.

“Ron." (knock) "Ron." (knock). "Ron." (knock). "Ron.” (knock).

Ron let out another frustrated groan as his older brother's extremely annoying voice pierced the air. Each time Percy said his name, a persistent knock on the door accompanied it.

“WHAT?” Ron, now seriously angry, yelled. Hermione gazed at him reproachfully as she got off of his lap so that he could go get the door.

“Ron,” she whispered, “be patient. Why would Percy want to spend time with you? He'll be gone in a minute.”

Ron swung the door open and glared at Percy. He supposed it wasn't exactly his brother's fault that Ron hadn't been able to kiss Hermione for more than three minutes in a week. But something weird was going on. For seven days straight, every time he got within an inch of Hermione, one of his friends or family members showed up and figured out how to get them away from each other. And now this.

“What do you want, Percy?” Ron demanded.

“Ron, I need you to come in to the office with me.”

“Why?” Ron said, checking his watch. “It's Sunday!”

“Your desk is violating several important ministry policies. We need to get it cleaned up,” Percy said stiffly.

“You have got to be kidding me,” Ron groaned. “I'm not going, Percy!”

“I'll tell mum!”

“What kind of threat is that?” Ron asked disbelievingly.

“Come on, Ronald,” Percy said. And he grabbed Ron's arm and pulled him off to the ministry.

STAGE THREE: In Which Viktor Krum Takes Ron Drinking and Hannah Abbott Has Her Say.

As he was walking out of the ministry, Ron ran into Viktor Krum. He didn't actually know why Viktor Krum was anywhere near the Ministry, and to be honest this question never got answered. All he knew was that the first words out of Viktor's mouth were,“Vant to go drinking? On me!” and Ron just went with it. They apparated to The Three Broomsticks, and Hannah greeted them happily.

“What can I get you handsome fellows?” she asked cheerfully.

“Firewhiskey,” Ron said hoarsely. “And keep it coming. I've had one strange hell of a week.”

Smiling to herself, Hannah went off to get the drinks. As she set a firewhiskey in front of Ron, she asked in a sympathetic voice,

“What's wrong, Mr. Weasley?”

“I... er... me and Lavender have no where to snog,” Ron said, glancing at Krum. “My family just keeps on interrupting us.”

“Oh!” Hannah said brightly. “I have the perfect solution. You know how Neville works at the school? Well, sometimes we go into the Room of Requirement when we want to be alone. It's really nice- you two should try it. No one can interrupt you if they haven't got a clue where to find you!”

“BRILLIANT!” Ron roared, standing up and pulling Hannah into a crushing hug. He rushed out the door without taking a sip of his firewhiskey. As he left, Hannah winked at Viktor, then pulled out a DA coin.

“Vat is that?” Viktor asked.

“I have to tell Neville to prepare for Stage Four,” Hannah said. “And... here we go!”

STAGE FOUR: In Which Neville “the man” Longbottom Continues to “get” the Room.

“What are you doing here?” Hermione and Neville said in unison.

“I'm patrolling the corridor,” Neville said.

“We've come to... er... use the Room of Requirement. You know, for old times' sakes,” Hermione answered, blushing.

“Oh, Hannah referred you to this place, did she?” Neville said, grinning. “Here, I'll get it to work for you- one second.” He closed his eyes and walked past the room three times. The door appeared, and Neville walked forward and pulled it open for Ron and Hermione. “In you go!” he said happily. The two of them walked in. Neville smirked as he stepped into the room after them. He made sure to keep the door open. “Neither of you can come out until you tell, okay?” he said.

“Tell what?” Ron demanded. But Neville had already gone.

STAGE FIVE: In Which There Is Waiting

Neville Longbottom woke up with a start. He looked around and saw that he was in the fifth floor corridor where the Room of Requirement was. Memories of exactly what he was doing there flooded into his mind almost instantly, and Neville glanced at his watch with a yawn. Ginny would be coming in ten minutes to relieve him of his guard duties. In the mean time, Neville glanced lazily towards the door. He suddenly let out a shocked yelp- Hermione and Ron were emerging, hand in hand.

“You guys!” Neville cried, jumping up.

Ron and Hermione looked at Neville oddly.

“Why are you here?” Ron asked.

“What were you trying to tell us before you left?” Hermione inquired.

“How did you get out?”

Hermione and Ron exchanged glances.

“We... walked?” Ron said for lack of anything better.

“You must have told each other!” Neville said, almost crying with relief.

“Told each other what?” Ron asked, sounding frustrated.

“You know! The big secrets!”

Hermione's expression cleared.

“Oh, you mean the fact that I'm not married to Viktor Krum and Ron's not engaged to Lavender Brown?” Hermione said in a nonchalant voice.


“Yeah, we found out about that stuff about a week ago, Neville,” Ron said, clapping his friend on the back. “Nice try though.”

“What?” Neville gasped, but the two of them merely proceeded to walk down the hallway, hand in hand. Neville stared after them with his mouth hanging wide open. Anger began to surge through him. All that work for... nothing? No way. Quickly, he pulled out his wand and sent a patronus to Ginny.

STAGE FIVE: Completed.
STAGE SIX: Canceled Due to Unprecedented Circumstances

A/N: Don't worry, you'll get your flashback :) ~writergirl8

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