Chapter 1 : Chapter 1
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Author’s Note: Here’s to another Lucius/Narcissa! I hope you enjoy this, even though at one point in time, you’ll bawl your eyes out. At least, I hope! CC is always welcome! As are any polite thoughts, comments, opinions, etc! Thanks to Vendetta@TDA for the gorgeous CI!
“Where is Father?” my six year old son asks. His grey eyes are full of unanswered questions, and his pale hands clutch his toy.
My eyes remain locked on the door, after a single glance of my sorrowful son. How could I possibly bear to look into those teary grey eyes again? My long, perfect fingernails dig into the material of the sofa, anticipating the very moment my husband would walk through the door and Draco’s face would light up.
Draco had stopped depending on Lucius as much as he once did. Now, he came to me. Night after consecutive night Draco would wait by the door until midnight for his father to come home, and would fall asleep by the door with complete faith that his father would be home soon.
Lucius always let him down.
Draco stopped relying on Lucius as much as he used to be, but he never stopped picturing him as the hero. “He’s busy out saving the world, Mummy. It’s alright, I’ll wait till he comes home,” my son would tell me. He’d curl up a bit tighter, and every maternal bone in my body screamed for me to just break the ice: his father isn’t the man he used to be.
Each time Draco would expect the man his father used to be, a piece of my heart shattered. “Draco, darling. How about you play Wizard’s Chess with me, tonight? Daddy isn’t coming home for a while.”
“No, Mummy, I’m going to play it with Daddy. He promised.”
At this point, I don’t understand why Draco has held on so faithfully. Children have always been much more loyal, much more faithful than adults could ever hope to be, but I would think at this point, even my loving son with the biggest heart would give up.
“I know, Draco, I know. But he’s not coming home for some time, and I need to get you in bed soon.”
His shoulders slump, and a frown quickly forms on his face. “Can’t we just wait for Daddy? He’ll be here soon. He promised, Mummy, he promised! I know he will!”
“Come here, baby,” I say, and hold out my arms. He stands up from his spot by the door, and he checks over his shoulder one last time at the door. He curls up beside me and I wrap my arms around him and pull him tightly to me.
“I love you, Draco.”
“I love you too, Mummy.”
“How about this? Let’s get you to bed, and you can play with Daddy tomorrow morning. Alright?” I ask, forcing myself to sound cheerful even though the pain is eating through my stomach like acid. I bite my lip, and refuse to let the tears fall.
He nods slowly, but doesn’t get up. I stand up first, and pick him up in my arms. I hold hi like I did when he was an infant, even if he is so much bigger. My thin arms shake under him, even if he’s a scrawny thing.
I trudge up the stairs slowly, and down the seemingly never-ending hall. My toes sink into the thick, comfortable carpet, and my eyes soak in the gorgeous paintings—each one worth more than most would make in a year. My lungs fill with the air laced with the delicate smell of silk and Agarwood.
I would give it all up, for my son to never have to feel this way again.
I push the door open to his room, and leave the light off. Draco sighs as I gently place him in the bed, and tuck him in. I turn on the night light beside his bed, and kiss his forehead.
“I love you, sweetheart,” I tell him, and push aside his blonde hair that had fallen in his face. He yawns loudly, and nods.
“I love you too, Mummy.”
“You go to sleep, and Daddy will be here when you wake up in the morning,” I tell him, and watch his eyes slowly close. I walk silently to the door, and close it behind me. I collapse right outside the door, my sobs building in my chest. The side of my face is pressed against the thick carpet, and the tears leak out of the corners of my eyes.
Why? Why? Lucius had been so cute, so sweet. Draco had been his pride and joy, his very reason to be. Now he couldn’t be bothered to even come home some nights. Tears poured for hours; and they didn’t ever stop.
It’s times like these, that I can feel every bit of pain Lucius has every brought upon me. One memory particularly plagued me nightly.
“My wife will be home any moment,” I hear him whisper from around the corner. A shuffle of movement, and a deep kiss. I press even closer against the door, my ear up against the cold wood.
“Oh, hush, Lucius,” a seductive, feminine voice with a heavy American accent whispers. I take a deep breath, and push the door open. The tall, dark haired woman catches my eye, and does not look ashamed.
“Lucius,” I say. He turns to the woman, and puts his hands on her shoulders. He leans in to whisper into her ear, and releases her to approach me. She dispparates as Lucius reaches for my hand. I’m on the verge of tears, even if I told myself I would not give him the satisfaction. “How could you?”
“Narcissa, she’s nothing, she’s just—“
“Why? Why Lucius? I thought you said you loved me! You promised you loved me! You said it was only me!”
“Narcissa, honestly, you’re overreacting!”
“I am not overreacting! I thought you loved me! I love you! Why am I not enough? I would never betray you in such a way! Would never hurt you as you have hurt me! What have I done to you to deserve this?” I screech. Draco starts crying upstairs, my screams having woke him up. The house elves let him cry; they would dare not touch my child.
“June is not the problem, Narcissa! You have done nothing! That is exactly why she is here! She is just taking care of a man neglected by his wife!”
“I haven’t neglected you! I have just had our child! Our child!” I sob. It’s a mystery to myself as to how I am still standing. ”I don’t want that woman in my house ever again!”
“It is a man’s right to have whatever woman he wants!”
“You said you weren’t like that! What is wrong with you? You were never like this! What has happened to you? You aren’t the man I had fallen in love with!” I smack his chest. I could barely see through the constant tears flowing from my eyes. He grabs both of my hands and crushes me against his chest, and I struggle against him. “Let me go, Lucius! Let me go!”
I thrash against him; it’s hardly a fair fight. He’s tall and strong while I am short and petite. I rip my left wrist from him, and his sleeve gets ripped in the process. That horrid dark tattoo is revolting on his pale skin. It marks his skin is disgrace, and my gut wrenches its way up my throat.
I can feel whatever self respect I have slipping away; the pleading desperation is disgracefully obvious in my voice.
“Lucius,” I beg, “What is that? What is that? What have you done? You told me you would not join his side! No, no! Please! Why?”
I breathe in deeply, my very breath shaking with sobs. I push myself up off the ground, and smooth out my dress. I wipe my cheeks dry, and proceed downstairs. The marble stairs make no noise under my bare feet. When I arrive at the door of the parlor, I’m surprised to see the backside of my husband. His long blonde hair is neatly done—as it always has been, since the first day I met him—yet his black robes are unusually wrinkled.
I lean up against the door frame, and clear my throat. He whips around, a disgusted frown set on his face. The red rims around his eyes are alarmingly noticeable. “Children have much bigger hearts than we do. I, for one, have stopped believing in you. But, Lucius, Draco will only wait so long. He will see you aren’t the great man as he sees now.”
He sighs, and sets his glass of scotch down on the table. “Don’t be silly, Narcissa. He’s but a boy. He would never lose faith in me, as you seemingly have. Draco understands what you do not.”
“Enlighten me then!” I snap at him. For a moment, he moves forward as if he was going to hit me. I don’t flinch, but rather stay rooted where I am.
“He understands that a man has work to do to support his family!”
“Bullshit, Lucius!” I hiss. Rarely ever did I speak such uncouth words, but I could only contain my anger so long. “You very well know you could take one day, one single day off to spend with your son! He used to be your pride and joy, and now you can’t even be bothered to see him for five minutes! Is he not worth your time?”
The fingers of his right hand clench around his walking stick, and his grey eyes fall upon me accusingly, as if I were the one at fault. “Narcissa, as a woman, you would not understand!”
“Who are you?” I growl. If I had my wand this man would be in the most unbearable pain imaginable. “You used to be the best man I had ever met; you had not a single sexist bone in your body! You…You are not the man I married! You used to love your son! You used to love me.”
“Who are you to say that has changed?”
“Who am I? Who am I? That’s rich, Lucius. Honestly, when I thought you could stoop no lower. When is that last time you have said anything more to me than anything about the weather! Or, God forbid, you even sleep in the same bed as me! Or hug your son!” The last words tumble from my lips as a whisper, and I wipe the tears from my cheeks. I turn, so he can’t see me.
“Narcissa, I have been busy with work. Once work slows down, you and I will—“
I whip back around, my teeth clenched together in disgust. “I love you, Lucius. But you have changed for the worse! You treat me badly…you treat Draco even worse! I—I…I won’t stand for it! This is not about us; we are irreparable. Between you seeing that other woman, and ignoring me, nothing you could ever do say could fix our marriage.”
“I did stop seeing Miranda, Narcissa! You know this!”
“The fact that there was anyone other than me is a terrible thought, Lucius Abraxas! But now, I’m not worth a moment of your time. I have seen this, but I swear that if you do not treat Draco better than you have, I will leave you, and I will take him with me.”
“You would not dare, you would disgrace both of our families! You would not dare defy me!” he spits, and a revolting mask of maliciousness spreads across his face.
“Watch me,” I reply with a dangerous tone. I turn to leave again, and stop to say, “You have three weeks to convince me.”
“Who do you think you are?”
“The very woman who will take everything you love from you. What else do you think you have? Your family is dead, and you have already lost me. Our son, sleeping upstairs now, who waited for you beside the door for hours, depending on your unfaithful word, is the only thing you have left. I would act wisely, if I were you.”
“Have I truly lost you, Narcissa?”
“I will always love you, Lucius. I am a big enough person to admit that, but nothing you could ever do or say, will convince me you are the man you used to be. Ever.”
I walk out, and let the parlor door swing shut behind me. I do not cry anymore, but tread slowly to my bedroom. I step into the large, dark room, and close the door behind me. I turn on the lights slowly, and collapse against the door. I slide down, and wrap my arms around my knees.
I glare at the pictures of Lucius, Draco, and I before everything had become this way. Why did things have to change? Tears prick at my eyes, but I wipe them away before they fall. With great effort, I push myself off the floor, and walk to the wall. I stand before the numerous pictures for several moments, contemplating my next move.
Then, I reach up and begin taking the pictures off the walls. I make a point to ignore what they actually symbolize, what they represent, but focus on getting them off the walls and into the back of my closet.
Even though I know the times are very well over, I can’t help but wonder when the times of love and family were top priorities. I ignore the portraits of Lucius and I smiling after a few moments glare, and refuse to acknowledge the tears burning in my eyes. I wipe at them bitterly, my teeth sinking deeply into my lower lip.
When I’m done, the only pictures left are the ones of Draco and I. I sigh, sniffle a bit, but push my lonely thoughts aside. I change into night clothes, and crawl into the bed in defeat. I turn off the lights, and roll over on my side.
I force my eyes closed, and breathe in deeply. The grief, sorrow, and disappointment cause my chest to become tight. The tears leak out of my clenched eyes, and I don’t move to wipe them away. Here in the seclusion and isolation of my room – the ghost of our room—I did not have to hide away my emotions. My lips press tightly together; even if I am free to cry now, I know he will hear my sobs.
I rub my eyes, and sniffle. When I stop crying, I roll onto my other side, and wrap the blankets around me a bit tighter. This bed was quite large when it was Lucius and I, but as I lay here alone as I have for what feels like the last century, I feel like a single fish in the sea.
“What has happened to us, Lucius? What put us here?” I whisper into the darkness. My heart seems to hold still as if in anticipation of an answer, but only silence responds.
Sleep still doesn’t come. I toss and turn, mentally pleading sleep to consume me.
After a few hours of attempted sleep, I stand up and approach the dark wooded desk across the side of the room. My fingers find the lamp in the darkness, and after a minute of difficulty, the light washes through the room. I pull out a piece of parchment, a quill, and a bottle of black ink. I dip the quill in the ink a write:
I try to remain independent, but I am afraid I have reached the end of my rope and I am in need of someone to confide to.
Lucius and I have been slowly growing farther and farther apart. It has been worse than you could imagine. He has been having an affair, and he has been terrible to Draco. I accepted the fact that our relationship was, and is, unsalvageable, but I will not stand for him to treat our son in such a way. If only I had the courage to divorce Lucius and take Draco so far away he would soon forget that excuse of a father.
I am so confused. Lucius had been a different person when I married him. I don’t even know him anymore.
All My Love,
I seal the letter, scoffing at the Malfoy crest and how badly I desire to tear my son and I away from this pureblood family. What good was being pureblooded, superior to everyone else, if you truly had nothing? The most expensive jewelry adorns me, I sleep in the softest silk, and the manor I reside in is worth more money than others can possibly imagine. I would give that all up, every jewel to every galleon if I could have my Lucius back.
Yet, here I sit at a desk worth more than the average wizard’s monthly salary, surrounded by riches and luxuries, with only the love of my son who desires the love of a man I consider dead.
I walk over to the honey brown owl perched in its silver cage, and gently open the door. It hoots quietly at me as I attach the letter to its leg. “Take this to Bellatrix, won’t you Algernon?” I whisper to the bird quietly as I take it to the open window.
I send the owl off with my letter, and watch it fly into the night sky. I remain by the window, and the cool air fills my lungs. In the moonlight, you can make at the many fountains and ponds of the extravagant garden, as well as the maze with walls of blood red roses.
The fireplace in the room glows green as Bellatrix floos in, much to my surpise. “Bella,” I say, “What are you doing here? Responding to my letter in person isn’t necessary.” I grab my wand and mutter, “Muffliato,” as I point it at the door.
My sister’s hair is pulled up, to my surprise as well, and a rich black travelling cloak is pulled over her night clothes. “Are you insane, Cissy?” she spits. “You should no better than to say things like I that! I burnt that letter the moment I finished it! Who are you to think you could leave your husband? How dare you! What would Mother and Father say? You accepted his proposal, and you vowed to serve him. It is your duty to remain through this!”
“That’s rich, how many affairs have you had on Rudolphus?”
“There is a large difference there; the Dark Lord approves strongly of Lucius. Rudolphus is a pathetic man, who is unworthy of my time! The Dark Lord says this himself! The Dark Lord believes women should remain faithful to their husbands, even if the husbands do not show the same to us! If you leave Lucius, Draco will suffer! A boy without a father! Much more the disgrace both family names would suffer! Our poor mother could not stand this; first Andromeda getting mentally unstable, and now you! I will not let you self destruct, Narcissa!” she yells. Her hands are flying all around her, as if exclaiming her words, and her eyes are large and full of panic and disgust.
“Bella, do not yell at me! I..I…I don’t know what to do! I don’t know how much more of this I can take! How much of this can Draco take? I don’t even know how my life has fallen to far into ruin!”
“Has Lucius hit you?” she asks, her tone a bit softer.
“No,” I mutter, also lowering my voice.
“Than you are doing much better than many others.”
“Has Rudolphus hit you? Has he?” I ask, immediately alarmed. She is walking towards the fireplace now, and grabs a handful of floo powder. She turns to me one last time.
“It could be so much worse, Cissy. He has not physically abused you, then you will be fine, I promise you this.”