Chapter 35 : Emotions
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“Then just tell me every thought that goes through your mind from this point on. Right now. What’re you feeling?”
Tyler sighed and ran a hand through his hair. “It just doesn’t seem right anymore, Alix. I feel so trapped. I feel so lost. I feel smothered. I need air. I think…. Like I told you earlier…. I need a little while to figure all this out. Figure out who I am and if this is really where I belong. I wish I’d figured this out sooner – before we’d gotten married and had a baby, but I didn’t.” He looked up at me. “Please tell me you understand. I’m not saying we’re through for good, but I need some time on my own for awhile.”
I nodded. “And like I said, I won’t sit around and wait for you. If I get my hopes up and they fall down again, I don’t know what I’d do.”
It was his turn to nod. “I understand that. You’re a lot stronger than you were a year ago, Alix. You’ve got your priorities in line as well. You’ll be just fine this time, without me.”
I laughed a bit, bitterly. “Yeah, right.” Then I let the sarcastic, badass facade fall and did for him what I’d asked him to do for me – show emotion. “After everything we’ve been through, everything we’ve done to stay together, you’re willing to throw us away? What about us?”
“What about trust and understanding? You let me walk out that door the other night Alix!”
“I didn’t mean to hurt you! I was letting you have some time to cool off! I didn’t want you to leave!” I cried back.
He sighed for about the hundredth time and looked down. Lowering his voice, he said, “What about what I want Alix?”
I didn’t reply for a few moments. “And what do you expect me to do while you’re gone?”
“Live your life.” The fact that those were the exact same words Draco said scared me for a moment, but only a moment. “Just like you just said you were going to, for Mackenzie.”
I stayed quiet for a long time this time, staring at the ground. I let my tears fall again and realized Tyler was probably even more confused because of my roller coaster of emotions. My ‘don’t give a fuck’ attitude in the halls yesterday, my calm face when I arrived followed by an onslaught of tears, more calmness, a badass facade, and more crying? What was wrong with me? I needed to let him go. This is what he wanted, and he was right: If it was in the Plan for us to be together, we would be.
“I’ll miss you.” I whispered at exactly the same time that he did. We smiled slightly.
“I think I’m gonna go now.”
“Stay. For a little longer. We don’t have to talk about this anymore. We can talk about other things.” I begged.
He smiled again. “No, I need to leave on a positive note. Please understand that I’m not doing this to hurt you Alix.”
“I’m trying.” I replied.
“Live your life.”
I nodded. “I will.”
And with that, he walked forward, kissed my forehead, held me close for a moment that ended far too quickly, and then turned his back and walked out of the door for the third time in a week. And for the millionth time this week, I fell onto the bed and cried.
I’ve got to move on and be who I am.
I just don’t belong here, I hope you understand.
We might find our place in this world someday,
But at least for now, I’ve gotta go my own way. – Vanessa Hudgens, "Gotta Go My Own Way"
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