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12 Fail Safe Ways to Charm Witches: The Revised Edition by Irobbedgringottsandgotaway
Chapter 4 : How to Snag a Girl in Less than an Hour
Rating: MatureChapter Reviews: 5

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Disclaimer: Anything recognizable belongs to JK Rowling.


There are certain things in life that it is essential for brothers to teach each other.

1. Anything personal that you can't go to your parents for.

2. How to pull good pranks

3. Quidditch (As well as other sports like football and wrestling)


5. Girls

Before I began my fifth year, my brother taught me his most sacred lesson. It works every time to no avail, even to this day.

He teaches it in six basic steps, using the acronym, PEELIT.


PERMEATE the outer shell. Most girls have a sort of protective bubble that they use to sort out idiots from interests. Be an interest.

i.e. Ask them a simple question that they haven't been asked before, like:

"So, I have to ask... have you ever been to China?"

"Have you ever thought about how hypocritical of us as a society is for us to idolize girls?"

Or, if you're feeling confident, ask about the lemon quote, you know, "If life hands you lemons make lemonade..." It sets you up for the later step.

ENTRANCE them. Make them interested, without seeming interested on your behalf.

i.e. Master your intriging look, while acting like you're listening, while acting like you're acting you're listening.

Gently brush against them, like with your arm or leg, just enough for them to possibly brush.

ESTABLISH what it is you really want and who you are. This is when you introduce yourself, casually reference what you're interested in, maybe make it a joke.

i.e. "Can I just ask, what sort of things do you look for in a guy?"
"Are you and your boyfriend going to Hogsmede next week?... Oh, no boyfriend, what a shame."

LEMON -the most crucial step. This is a critical step to this well formulated and original plan. Casually ask, "So tell me, [Insert name her], have you ever tried to eat a lemon from the top of the astronomy tower [feel free to replace with other wierd location, such as the bottom of the black lake]?" All this talking and thinking of lemons will make her mouth pucker/water and will intrigue her. Lemons work best out of all fruit and vegtables, but if you find another food item that works better, than good for you.

i.e. Just practice. Figure out how you're going to bring it up in conversation.

INITIATE the charm. Hopefully you were blessed at birth with these, as it makes this step a lot easier and more possible.

i.e. If you don't know how to charm a girl, I can't help you.

TRAP them into your plan. Seal the deal, cut the cake, you get the idea.

i.e. This is devided into several levels, based on the confidence of the guy, desperateness of the girl, and target.

1. Ask her if she wants to meet again later. She will say yes.

2. Pull them in by making a move like putting your arm around her shoulder and whispering in her ear your suggestion.

3. Simply go in for the snog. You've earned it mate.

I can personally tell you that this method works. It has suceeded with me five out of the five times I've initiated it. Three of them were for Hogsmede dates, the other for, well, never mind.

Actually, I've tried it six, failing it once. I'm guessing you can guess who.

Believe me, it was out of pure curiosity. Nothing else. I wanted to see if I could use the trick on her to get her to do my Defense paper. It went like this:

"Hey there Taylor. So, tell me Taylor, what do you think about the whole "If life gives you lemons..." quote?"

"I say, If life gives you lemons, chuck them at the idiot who likes to ask random stupid questions, than demand water and sugar so that your lemonade doesn't taste like sour piss."

"Interesting..." I casually brushed my leg against her and gave her the look.

"Al, I know what you're doing, and I'm not going to write your Defense paper for you. Write your own bloody paper, and start by looking over in the History of Stunning spells section of the library before I teach you my own lesson about Stunning spells."

Needless to say, it did not go well.

Of course, this is the only recorded failure of James' fail-safe plan. He had used it all the time in his Hogwarts years. We have also shared the plan with Fred, and I just recently shared it with the Dare Jar club.

All the guys pretty much worship the PEELIT with their lives, and are sworn to secrecy.

They've only had it for a week, yet they already have all had their own form of sucess with it.

Tanner already managed to score Katie Hamilton, the hottest girl in Hufflepuff. Of course, she isn't the brightest tool in the shed, but still.

However, it is still proven to be an effective tool when it comes to girls. Well, besides Taylor Ackhart. But I'm beginning to learn that she does not apply to any techniques, not even James', who is known for his signature methods and moves when it comes to the female population.


It was fifth year when I discovered that I was in love with Taylor.

It was probably the greyest day of the year, the skies completely overcast, yet Taylor stuck out like the sun on a hot summer day. She shone in her jeans, boots and navy blue jumper. It was fall time, and we were walking down by the lake in the cool breeze. Her hair was in a ponytail and her eyes were sparkling despite the cold, overcast day.

It hit me like a ton of bricks, gobsmacking me right in my nose. It was all of a sudden so glaringly obvious, and I couldn't believe it had taken me this many years to realize it.

I don't really remember what we were talking about, but it was irrelevant. I just know Taylor said something like, "Right. And I'm the most beautiful girl in Hogwarts." It was completely sarcastic, and I normally wouldn't think anything of it, except that day wasn't a normal day.

I rememeber realizing that she was the most beautiful girl in Hogwarts.

And I just stood there, for who knows how long, just gaping at her, and at my sudden brain fart.

I was in love with my best friend Taylor Ackhart.

I was in a sort of perpetual state of musing for the rest of the day, and I'm pretty sure she might have noticed, but she didn't say much, and what she did say didn't really help it much. I really don't remember anything about that afternoon, although I'm pretty sure Brad tried snapping me out of it with a round of Quidditch with Scorp and the rest of the gang, but I was still off. After spending the entire night awake in my bed trying to grasp what people do when this arises, I decided to just let it sit.

Who knew? Maybe I was just hitting a phase and I would have to just wait a couple of days before going back to normal.

Two weeks later and I was still in deep shit love with her.

Her hair was sleek and shiny, her eyes still sparkled like fancy rocks, and I swear there were rainbows and light shining out of her ass.

I was absolutely infected with it. I tried to play it cool around her, which gradually became a little easier, but it was still pathetic.

I was a pitiful, lovestruck human being. And I was completely lost.

After another long period of time, I gave in and wrote to James.

He was the only one I could think of who would give me real advice, and not just bullshit about following my heart and proclaiming my love in flowers and sugar.

He was also going through something with his childhood best friend Alex, and it seemed pretty serious, like he was falling hard. Not to mention he was a beast when it came to women and girls.

Of course, James claimed not to have any ideas about what to do, so he forwarded me on to Alex. I knew her from when we were kids, and from seeing her around my house lately and with James at Christmas. So it wasn't that awkward.

She basically just told me to keep my eyes on how she acted around me, and how much I actually did feel for her, and what I actually wanted to do about it.

Which seemed very vague, but was the most help I'd recieved so far, and I wasn't about to ask the guys, or Taylor about it.

The last thing I was about to do was tell her. Guys look like idiots when they profess their love to girls.

Case and Point, Me and Ashley Pierce, Third year.

When I sat next to Ashley in my Transfiguration class at the beginning of that year, all I could notice was how pretty her wavy hair was, especially when she wore it in a bow. I basically spent the first ten lessons watching her twirl her hair around her wand, curling it into perfect ringlets. Taylor, who sat on my other side, couldn't help but notice and make fun of me, imitating my face, forming a ridiculous facial expression that was totally exaggerated.

After two months of pining, I finally worked up the guts to tell her. It was our first Hogsmede weekend, on Halloween, and I made Brad help me follow her up to the viewing spot for the Shrieking Shack, where she was with two of her other friends. They were all wearing matching pink and purple jumpers, coats, mittens, and jeans with silver shiny sparkly shoes.

I strode right up to Ashley and told her how much I was in love with her.

My exact words were,

"Ashley, you have the prettiest blonde hair in the whole year, and your bow is always very perfect, and you have the prettiest skin, and I love you. Almost as much as I love my snitch PJs."

And that was a big deal, because I love loved my snitch PJs. But she didn't understand that.

Her friends started giggling, and then she burst out laughing, she and her two friends (I refer to them as Pink bow and Blue bow, as that's the only way I really distinguish them besides their faces, and I've never actually learned their names, as they just hang around Ashley all the time) all clumped together in a huddle.

I was shocked. My delusional fantasies of Ashley proclaiming her undying love for me then letting me kiss her on the mouth.

Brad brought me back to Hogsmede where we spent the whole day with Taylor. Which is basically what we do every Hogsmede trip since then. I didn't cry or anything, but I was pretty bummed. And embarrased, as whenever they saw me from that day on, they would giggle behind their hands at me, Ashley and the Bows that is.

And it's still not funny. I mean, it's been THREE BLOODY YEARS! YOU CAN STOP GIGGLING!!

Sorry. Anyways.

So, it was the winter of my fifth year, and I didn't know what to do. I mean, I was in love with my best friend, who presumably did not feel the same for me.

I narrowed my list however, to include three options:

1. Profess my love to Taylor and risk getting shot down (which was about a ninety percent chance)

2. Curl up in my snitch PJs and wallow in my self-pity forever, never getting over her.

3. Get over Taylor Ackhart, and meanwhile, keep her from finding out that I was in love with her.

So I chose the third one, which was the hardest thing I'd ever done.

And I did love Taylor more than I loved my snitch footie PJs.

It was the summer before sixth year that Taylor snogged me.


 A.N.: Thanks for reading, and please leave a review to let me know what you think!! I know it's been a while and the chapter's a bit short... I've been busy lately, and I've been working at finishing one of my other stories and a one-shot that you should check out (especially if you like Al/Taylor and don't want to wait for the next chapter to find out about the kiss...). So anyways, thanks for reading, and please review!!!





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