Chapter 1 : Fickle
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Please don't read if you are easily triggered by eating disorders.
1, 2, 3. 1, 2, 3. 4, 5, 6. 7, 8, 9. 10, 11, 12.
1, 2, 3. 1, 2, 3. 4, 5, 6. 7, 8, 9. 10, 11, 12.
Eyes closed/Inhale/Count/Count/Count/Eyes Opened/Exhale.
It doesn't help, not really. It’s just so she can remember to breathe. So she can remember how to come back to a reality that she doesn't want. She has to live in this reality whether she wants to or not. She can't afford to have people snooping about.
This is hers. It’s all hers, and no one needs to know. Not until she's ready. Not until she breathes a twisted sense of perfection. She has a strange thinking that no one will know until she is ready to tell them.
The problem is that everyone can already see there is something not right. It is evident to everyone, and they don't know what to do about it. She has changed into a horrid monster that doesn't know what it wants.
She thinks that if she carries on the way she does that she'll finally get to where she wants to be. She is wrong. She cannot control herself, because she hasn't the will to live. She does not understand the many opportunities, futures, lifetimes that are all available to her if she makes the effort to help herself. She does not understand the metamorphosis of her damaged character, or the consequences of her actions. She wants to be perfect, but she doesn't understand that she was perfect the way she had been before.
The dizzy light-headed feeling is back and she relishes in it. She does not know that this means she is running out of energy, sugar and all the vital concoctions she needs to keep her body alive. She does not and will not understand if she doesn't want to. She will only ever see what she wants to see of herself and that is a very sad thing.
She thinks she is doing the right thing by trying to prove that she can and will be perfect, but she has lost the grasp on her old life where she was the most important and perfect thing when her adoptive father was alive. She is just as perfect to her adoptive mother, but she is blinded by the monster - the beast that is society. She thinks that this is what she wants, that this is the way she should live her life, that there is nothing else to do, but to make herself perfect. She does not understand that the only consequence is the loss of her humanity day by day as she continues to feed the social monster that she thinks controls her life. She does not realise that it doesn't need to.
She feels sick. She thinks she's going to be sick, but she won't be. She thinks she is disgusting, because she ate. She thinks she is vile and horrid. She does not understand the overflow of energy she has given her body. The energy that her body needed to keep the will to live.
She will have to go to classes post-binge and she will think in her frail mind that she deserves to hurt herself. She is mistaken, because she already has and she doesn't realise it. She should never have given anyone the satisfaction, because being yourself is the best gift you could ever give to someone even if they don't realise how much greatness you have in you. She wishes for this, but she does not comprehend that the difference between herself and the monster. She can fight through this, but she needs help that she willing to take.
If she had this help she would not be as paranoid as she is now - the students across the corridor are not laughing and whispering about her, but rather the boy who has just brushed up behind them.
She does not understand when she refers to herself as a horror movie - her non-existent body is the real star here not the food that she consumed in order to help herself.
The voices in her head is the monster, the devil that consumes her mind and tell her 'motivational speeches' that she thinks she needs to hear. She does not need to listen to them, because she is strong, but she does not know how strong she really is.
Disgusting and rotten words that shouldn't be present in a young girls' mind:
They were overcome in those moments when she ate by her body's pureness and her true self - the untainted part of her mind that knew what she had to do to help herself. There was a part of her mind, the devil that urged her to think of what she was doing this wrong and she would regret it, but it lost and she did not listen. The devil was strong, but she was stronger. The only problem was that she did not know how much strength she really had.
She had just started this phase of her life. This is not when she sold her soul, but this is when she had begun to give the results society was after. This was when she truly started to appease everyone, and foolishly thought she was right to do so. She thought that she was in control when she wasn't.
She should have told someone and society should have noticed before, but it was too wrapped up in trying to be the best thing anyone had ever seen when, really, it was despicable.
She believes she is becoming perfect. She lies herself in a false sense of security where she does what society wants, but not what she wants.
She was perfect before and she still could have used the strength she had to make the right choices, but she didn't understand that she still had the strength to be herself. She didn't understand she had perfect.
She missed breakfast today. She says she didn't notice, but that is a lie that the devil created to hush the pure self. She claims that she was busy, that she was trying to get her things for school together, but she had plenty of time and she let the devil use her needlessly.
She says she can't remember the last time she missed breakfast, and that's a lie, too. She thinks she's better when she is starving herself, but she isn't. She is worse, because she refuses to believe the truth.
She refuses to believe that society is wrong and she is right. She laments of the fact that she is hungry even though she doesn't want to be. She is hungry now that it is break, and she eats her apple knowing that the devil didn't want her too, but she promises to rectify that. She refuses to acknowledge that she feels so much better inside. It feels so much nicer to laugh over a snack rather than to protrude a fake smile and say 'no' to the food she really wants.
She drinks plenty of water to stave off the dehydration that had settled into her when she 'forgot' the day before. She thinks it makes her feel better and smarter when really she was at her best and smartest the year before.
Hogwarts broke her. It made her care about things that she shouldn't have to. The students where harsh, in her opinion, but it didn't have to be if she didn't want it to. She needed to stick it out a bit longer and keep reminding herself not to do anything she didn't want to, just like her mother said. Instead she went on to admire and envy everyone around her and instead of concentrating on herself she concentrated on everyone else and trying to change her pure mind into something that it wasn't.
Her adoptive father didn't teach her about social skills or how to fit in. He taught her about Charms and Transfiguration and History and about War. He taught her how to express her opinion and how to pick her battles.
Unfortunately, he didn't prepare for the alternate universe when he
wouldn't be there, and when his wife had toddlers - twins - to look after, and when she had to work and wouldn't be able to teach her. He had faith that he would live long enough for him to teach her everything he knew, but he didn't. He left her as a teenager who had too low self-esteem to carry on his words with her along the way.
He didn't leave her purposely and although she knows it she doesn't want to believe that War is real. She doesn't want to believe that she lives in an age where people will kill innocent people, because they could. She doesn't want to believe that it could have killed her birth parents, her adoptive father and that, one day, it could kill her too.
Everyone lives through a war, because it is destruction of humans and of character. It is depression and killing and deprecations. Everyone has a war that is personal to them, and she had a tough one to fight through.
Four months after her arrival she felt as if she couldn't look at herself for fear that she wouldn't see what she wanted to. She wanted to see a person that wasn't real, a figment of her paranoid imagination. She wanted to a smart, stick thin person who had perfect skin, perfect friends, perfect family and a perfect life. She didn't understand that it was impossible to be a person like that. All the words that her father used to tell her about never giving in, staying to herself if that was what she had to do, only change if she knew that in her heart, soul and mind it was the right thing had stopped meaning something from the point when she wanted to turn into something that she wasn't and never could be, no matter how much she tried.
She didn't understand that it was okay not to be smart academically. She didn't understand that she wasn't stupid, and just needed some time to help her understand the theory more than others did. She didn't understand that there were people that were in a worse position or that there were students and Professors who were willing to help, because they cared.
Her mind became so twisted she started to loathe her favourite number: one. One because she had always been the number no matter where she went. One because she had been number one to her father. One because she didn't know how to be anything else.
One person made an effort with her, and for that she was so grateful. Her mind was beginning to twist and turn, but Lily Evans had been nice enough to talk to her, to sit with her, to eat with her. It was almost as if things were going right, but she was still so paranoid. She couldn't shake the feeling that everyone was laughing at her and that she needed to change. She thought she needed to change so she could be one of them, so she could feel just as carefree and confident as they did.
A stranded Witch Weekly in the dorm was found, picked up and perused with great intensity. She looked over the personality quizzes, the make up routines, the celebrities and how to look and feel good. She needed to diet. She needed to look a certain way. She needed to talk a certain way. She thought she knew everything she needed to know about becoming a non-existent person who would meet all of Witch Weekly's requirements. It was sad, because she didn't understand.
Mary McDonald had been perfect.
AN: This is for onestop_hpfan18/living.free's 'Convert a Classic Novel' challenge at TGS. My assigned novel was Virginia Woolf's The Voyage Out and my assigned character was Mary McDonald.
Special thanks to Arithmancy_Wiz over at the Forums for their help!
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