Chapter 1 : Hermione's Letter
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ďDear Harry and Ron. Iím sorry. I truly am.
You have to understand though, that I had to do this. Things couldnít stay the way they were- it was all beyond my control. Thereís so much you donít know about me, about everything. I nearly told you so many times, but in the end, I just couldnít. I thought you would push me away- and to be fair you would have had the right to, but I wouldnít have been able to deal with that on top of everything else. I couldnít bear to have you push me away, so I did it myself. I never told either of you a thing, so I suppose I betrayed you both in more ways than one. You are my best friends but I didnít trust you enough to tell you. I hated myself for that.
I guess Iíd better start at the beginning.
You both know how messed up I was at the beginning of Seventh Year, after the War, Ginny, my parents. You thought me getting Head Girl was what I wanted. I used to want it, but then it just became too much- extra responsibility, everyone looking at you. I had an idea of how it must always be for you Harry. I changed, and I know you both noticed. I told you that it was nothing but it wasnít. I was self-destructive and I tried to make it all stop. Draco Malfoy saved me- then, at least.
We started spending time together, it was easy since we shared a common room. I came to realise that he wasnít so bad, he was just as censoreded up as me. Anyway, we ended up sleeping together one night, and I didnít dare tell either of you then- especially you Ron, you would have killed him. In the beginning, it was only about the sex, the escape, but things changed. It was more than physicality. We never talked about it but it was different, for us both.
In April, I found out that I was pregnant- three months gone. I kept it to myself- didnít even tell Draco. After what happened of course, I kept thinking that if Iíd have told him maybe he wouldnít have gone. I wanted to love our baby but it was so difficult without him. The hardest part though, was having to pretend that I didnít care. Every day Iíd listen to the school saying how much better it was with him gone. Do you realise that out of all the students, me and Pansy were the only ones at his funeral? She was the only one who would have been able to understand, she loved him as much as I did. I couldnít talk to her though, for obvious reasons. Every night I would cry and everyday Iíd pretend I was alright, that I was fine, and that I wasnít dying inside, I kept it hidden from everyone. Like I said, I didnít want to hate our child, but knowing it was growing inside me just kept reminding me that he wouldnít ever be there for me again. That he hadnít been for a month now, and that he wouldnít ever be coming back.
So, now you know everything. Again, Iím sorry. I know from too much experience that it truly is the hardest for those left behind. I wish there was another way but there isnít. I want to be with him too much.
I hope you understand. I know youíll probably both try to blame yourselves and think that you could have helped me, but donít. you couldnít have. Thatís what Iíve learnt this last year you see. No matter how many friends you have, you will always be alone."
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