Chapter 1 : one
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"Hi, I'm Phoebe and I'll be your waitress for tonight." I gave them my best smile and tucked my hair behind my ear. The old woman glared at me and I resisted the urge to stick my middle finger up and tell her where to shove it.
The lady sniffed pretentiously and said in an extremely posh voice, "We have been sitting here for three minutes. I expect better service as a regular."
Oh honey, I know you're a regular. All of us have turns in taking your table. No, actually, we have a roster. It's called 'WHO'S TAKING THE CRAZY LADY?'
I put a hand over my heart and said in an 'honest' tone, "I am so sorry ma'am, it won't happen again. Now, did you want to order now, or did you need some time?" I knew she didn't need time, she ordered the same bloody thing every Thursday. Bruschetta as an entree, tomato soup as her main and a tomato salad. The lady was bloody obsessed with tomatoes. It was freaky.
She sniffed again and shook her head, "No, I know what I want but thank you for asking. I will have... " she rattled off her usual order. Including the exact instructions on how to cook it but I tuned out. The chef's always prepare it early in the day and as soon as it hits 7:30 on the dot, they start cooking because this lady had some form of severe OCD. When she was done, I smiled and repeated her order back to her. She sniffed again - I so desperately wanted to hand her a tissue - and nodded.
I turned to the old man and asked in a sugar-sweet voice, "And sir? What would you like to eat today?" He smiled toothily at me and asked for a steak. He was such a kind old man and he was stuck with this old hag forever. He must have had so much patience. I smiled at the both of them and headed to the kitchens.
"CRAZY LADY HAS ARRIVED! And her husband ordered a steak so I'd chop-chop," I laughed at my own joke as the chef, Gary, rolled his eyes.
"Really Bee? 'Chop-chop'? That has got to be the worst joke on the face of the earth."
I stuck my tongue out at him, "You're just jealous of my joke-telling abilities. Don't try and deny it."
He nodded and fell to his knees. "Oh, Phoebe Sandhurst! I wish I had your talent! I'm so jealous it's oozing out of me! Please teach me your ways!" he burst into fake tears so I knelt down beside him.
"It's alright Gary. I'll teach you my ways soon enough. Now hurry up because I don't want my head bitten off."
He snorted and got off the ground, "I doubt she'd eat your head, it doesn't have tomatoes."
"True," I laughed.
He grinned at me and started Crazy Lady's food. "You need to serve other people."
I shook my head. "Nup. Every other table's been taken care of," I grinned and danced around him singing, "So you get to stay with meeeeeeee!"
"Oh Merlin," he got one of the big butcher knives and pretended to stab himself with it. I shoved him slightly and he immediately scolded me. "Phoebe! You know pushing is not a nice thing to do! What would have happened if I had fallen in the soup and died, huh?"
I gave him a cheeky grin, "The world would be a happier place."
He scowled and shook the knife at me, "That's not very-"
"Gary! What do you think you're doing?! Stop threatening the waitresses and get back to cooking!" Ah, the shrill voice of my bitchy boss. Because she was the manager of this crappy place and has a laminated- I know! Laminated! - name tag with the word 'Manager' underneath it, she acted like the supreme ruler of the universe.
I snickered, "Yeah Gary! You could seriously endanger me with that! You should be ashamed!" He scowled at me and I blew a kiss back. He pretended to dodge it and McBitchyFace tutted.
"Now, if you have finished acting like children, I need you to finish cooking - " she looked at Gary and when he saluted, she pointed to me, "And you, get back outside and help out with the tables."
I shook my head, "Sorry McOwens, after the Crazy Lady, I have to get going remember? That's why I'm waiting out here."
She sighed and pleaded with me, "Can't you stay an extra hour?"
I shook my head, "Sorry, I really can't. My friend is planning something and I can't miss it. Sorry," I pulled a sympathetic face and she stalked out the kitchen. When she left, I turned back to Gary.
"What's Ellie planning?"
I shrugged and told him, "I have no idea. She texted me saying 'WHEN YOU FINISH WORK YOU GET YOUR FINE ARSE OVER TO MY PLACE RIGHT AWAY'. When I texted her why, she never replied."
He laughed, "Only Ellie. Here's the Crazy Lady's food. I BANISH YOU NOW!"
I curtseyed and took her food out all at once. Another crazy thing is she likes all the food to be taken out at the same time. Even the entree. When I put it in front of her I smiled and said sweetly, "Enjoy your meal."
I started to leave but no. She had to ask me some questions.
"Did the usual chef make this?" Sniff.
"Did he mistreat it in anyway?" Sniff.
"Did he cook it at perfect 180 degrees?" Sniff.
I HAVE NO IDEA! WHY DON'T YOU GO CHECK FOR YOUR SELF?! AND WHILE YOU'RE AT IT, GET A BLEEDING TISSUE!
"Are you sure?"
"Good. Now leave," she shooed me off and I desperately wanted to pour the soup on her grey head.
But no, because I am a good samaritan and I don't pour tomato soup on old ladies heads.
When she finished at eight on the dot I gave her the cheque and she left soon after. I quickly grabbed my purse and gave Gary a quick peck on the cheek. I waved at the others and as soon as I was in the apparation safe spot, I turned on the spot to my apartment.
When my head stopped spinning, I saw my ex waiting on the couch.
"Oi, why are you in my apartment?" I'm such a charmer.
Cameron turned around, "I couldn't seem to find my work robes and I was wondering if they were here. Don't get so defensive Phoebe."
I narrowed my eyes and spat, "I can get defensive all I like thank you very much!"
He rolled his eyes, "Whatever. I'm not arguing with you. Have you seen my robes or not?"
"No idea," I lied breezily.
As soon as Cameron dumped me for some orange skank, Ellie came over and we got very drunk. She then came up with the bright idea to burn everything he had left behind. Including his work robes.
"Oh, well if you see them could you please send them back to me? My other ones need to be washed."
I nodded, "Yeah, yeah. Now get out."
"Look can't you just forgive me? I feel awful about it!" Cameron pleaded.
I cocked my head to the side, "Forgive you? You actually want me to forgive you?" he nodded, "Well you should have thought of that before you went and shagged that tart. One time or not, you still cheated on me and I don't take cheaters nicely."
Cameron sighed, "I'm sorry I hurt you Phoebe."
"That's a load of hippogriff dung and you know it. Now get out of my apartment."
"I am! I'm really sorry Phoebe!" Cameron's green eyes were pleading with me.
I wasn't having any of it, "I'm sure you are. Now get out before I hex you."
He nodded and scurried out of the apartment. I got changed and called Ellie.
"PHOEEEEBEEEEEE!" my best friend screamed through the phone.
"Merlin, Ellie! If you scream like that again you'll rupture my eardrums!"
My brother's voice called out, "I don't even know how I have any eardrums left, because she's so loud if you know what I mean!"
Ellie hissed, "Matt! I doubt that your twin sister wants to hear that!"
I scrunched up my nose, "Matt, you're a disgusting slob. Ellie, why are you with him?"
Ellie sighed, "I don't know. Maybe I should just turn gay and marry you Bee."
"Sounds like a grand old plan, Ells," I laughed, "Except that I need to swing that way as well. And sadly my dear, I'm don't."
"Well you never know, I could slip you a love potion."
"That's it; I'm never accepting anything from you ever again."
Ellie squealed, "Not even if I gave you an offer you'll never ever regret?"
"Well you have to come over and find out! Bye!" and she hung up.
The bitch hung up on me!
I sighed and apparated directly into her apartment. As soon as I arrived, she jumped up on top of me.
"BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELOOKLOOKLOOKLOOKLOOKLOOKLOOKLOOKLOOKLOOKLOOKLOOKLOOK!" she started waving her hand around my face and nearly slapped me.
"MERLIN, ELLIE! CALM DOWN WOMAN!"
She kept squealing like a loon and when she finally calmed down she screamed, "I'M GOING TO BE YOUR SISTER IN LAW BIATCH!"
"WHAT?!" I shrieked.
Ellie nodded with a huge grin on her face. I stared at my brother, "WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME?!"
He smirked, "You can't keep secrets to save your life. If I told you she would have known and it wouldn't have been a surprise!"
I rolled my eyes, "Have some faith won't you?" I hugged him, "Congratulations though!"
Ellie coughed pointedly, "AND YOU TOO BABE!" I wrapped her in a massive hug, "Congratulations sweetie!"
She beamed up at me and asked, "I was wondering... whether you wanted to be my maid of honour?"
My eyes went wide, "Really?" she nodded, "OF COURSE I WILL BE!" I squeezed the death out of her again.
Ellie grinned at me again, "We're all going out to the Snitch to celebrate. You in?"
"Of course!" I scoffed, "I'll just get changed and meet you there?"
"Sure thing. Everyone's meeting at nine, so you have an hour. Toodaloo!" she twinkled her fingers at me.
I waved back and turned on the spot back to my apartment. Oh how I love apparition.
I ran to my room and got in a short blue dress. I let my bright red hair out of its braid, admiring the way it waved slightly for once. I put some eye-shadow on and added some lip gloss. I smacked my lips together and saw with dismay, my hair had already dropped. I sighed and left it. It was no use; I've used every potion and spell to get it to wave slightly but no.
I fluffed it a bit and searched for some shoes. I finally settled on some white pumps. I added some jewellery, grabbed a bag that matched the shoes, and disapparated on the spot.
When I walked in, Ellie growled, "Bee, what time is it?"
"Er... ten past nine?"
"Yes. And what time did I tell you to be here?"
"Ellie! I'm ten minutes late! It's not a big deal; you look fantastic by the way! New dress?" I tried changing the subject.
"Yes I did! Thank you for noti- don't change the subject Phoebe Amelia Sandhurst!"
"Pulling the full name are we, Ellie?" Ralph, one of Matt's friends, asked.
Ellie harrumphed, "Bee was late! I don't like people who are late!"
I rolled my eyes, "Ells, I was ten minutes late! At least I showed up!"
Ellie narrowed her eyes, "Well, my maid of honour won't be able to be late when I'm getting married!"
"Ellie, when it is your wedding day, I will be early for everything! I'll organise everything perfectly, just you watch!"
"Well you better otherwise I will chop you up, feed you to a stray cat, chop the cat up and then throw you in the bin."
I grimaced, "Charming. And what did the cat ever do to you?"
"I'm allergic to them, that's good enough reason!"
"Well, you won't be able to go near it then so then you won't be able to feed me to a stray cat," I pointed out.
"That's not the point! The point is don't be late!" Ellie said frustratedly.
I giggled; winding Ellie up was so much fun.
"BEEEEEEEEEEEEE I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU IN AGES WOMAN! WHERE YOU BEEN HIDIN' GURRRL?!" Caitlin, screamed in what she called it, her 'black woman voice'.
And the sad part was she was a very white, skinny, blonde hair, blue eyed girl.
"Caity! I know! I haven't seen you in ages! How are you?" I ran up to her and gave her a hug.
She grinned, "I've been good, what about you? How's Auror training?"
I made a face, "Ugh, it's so hard. I've had to take up a waitressing job so I can pay for rent and all that, so now I have even less time to study all the jinxes and other stuff like that."
She crinkled her eyebrows, "Why don't you just get a roommate or something?"
"It's a one-bedroomed apartment," I told her.
"Oh," she frowned for a bit but then her face lit up, "Come live with me! You know it will be fun!"
"Sorry Caity, you live in Scotland. I don't think I'll be able to move that far away."
She frowned, "But you can apparate!"
"No I won't be able to, you teach at Hogwarts! No apparition remember?"
"Being a teacher sucks," she sighed.
"Caity, you've been a teacher for what? Not even half a month and you're already complaining?" I laughed.
She folded her arms, "It's just not fair that I had to move to Scotland to teach! Why couln't I stay in my own flat over here?"
I laughed again, "How is teaching Charms by the way?"
She rolled her eyes, "One seventh year tried flirting with me."
She nodded, "He asked me if I took the job because I was charming. Oldest one in the book."
"Was it a Gryffindor?" I asked.
"Yup. The cocky bastards!"
I laughed and said, "Let's get a drink," she nodded enthusiastically so we sat down by the bar, ignoring all our other friends who were now playing a drinking game.
"So, Bee, you been dating anyone?" she waggled her eyebrows suggestively.
"No," I shook my head, "I've just been concentrating on becoming an Auror and you know, surviving."
She took a big gulp of her firewhiskey, "Hey, aren't you meant to be teaching tomorrow?" I asked.
She grinned mischievously, "I had a family emergency so I had to leave without a seconds notice!"
I laughed, "Only you would do that Cait, only you."
Caitlin was about to say something but ended up being cut off by a very smooth voice.
I looked up and saw a very handsome guy speaking to me. I just stared at him and didn't know how to respond. I opened and closed my mouth a few times; I probably looked like a gormless idiot.
When I finally found my voice, I did the most idiotic thing you could ever imagine.
I pretended to be French.
"Je suis désolée. Je ne parle pas anglais!" I turned back to Caitlin and tried to act natural, ignoring the way she was looking at me with wide eyes.
WHAT IN THE NAME OF MERLIN WAS THAT BEE?! I wanted to slap myself.
I heard the guy chuckle and then - to my horror - said, "Pas de problème. Comment tu t'appelle? Moi c'est Louis et je suis français, en fait... ma mère est français... Mais elle m'a appris la langue."
so... new story :) like it, love it, hate it, anything, please review on your thoughts :D
disclaimer: I don't own any of this, it's all J.K. Rowlings :)
translation: I'm sorry, I don't speak English.
No problem. What's your name? I'm Louis and I'm French, well... my mother's french... but she taught me the language.
(thanks to LunarLuna for making it sound less robotic :D)
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