I liked you when we were young, from that day I first saw you with Petunia and you showed signs of magic. She hated me, but you looked at me with a sense of wonder because you knew you were no longer alone. That’s when I really fell in love. It was just a crush though, and after a while my love dwindled. My heart still felt pangs when I saw you, but I attributed that solely to my former love. Was it really love? I would call it more of an obsession. What I felt was a mixture of intense love and a bit of hate, which was a terrible combination. I moved on, and we maintained the illusion of a friendship for a while until I messed up.
I was hanging out with the wrong people, but it was peer pressure. I didn’t know how truly evil they were until later. I called you that name, that name I vowed never to call another, and it was unforgivable. In my anger, the words slipped out and they struck you in the heart, the way my love never could. We separated, but after a few months cupid’s arrow struck again. Like the Slytherin snake my affection for you slithered back into my heart. I tried to fight it, but my herculean effort was wasted. What I felt was too strong and could not be ignored. I fell hard once again, and I allowed myself to be trapped in your snare. I loved you so much it hurt and it felt like every passing day you ignored me and hated me I could die.
James Potter. He somehow swindled his charm and made you fall in love with him. I could have hated you for that, but in my love struck eyes you could do no major wrong. I know I am foolish, and digging myself deeper and deeper into a pit of despair, a pit that will inevitably lead to my destruction. If I could cut my heart out to guarantee I’d never love you again, I would do it in a heartbeat, but I know my heart would still solely beat for you. I love you with a fervor that I have never loved another, so much that i know Merlin could not possibly be so cruel as to wish this upon me. I know I have done things to deserve this pain, but know that many of them were to protect you and your son. I’ve devoted the years after you died to protect Harry. I know it will never make up for what I did, but I try, and maybe someday I will finally be worthy of you.
My waking and sleeping hours fill with thoughts of you, every second of every day, but I contain myself. I try my best to function normally, I try to forget the fact that you are no longer walking this Earth. But my thoughts race and my head spins with you. You are the cause of my long endured suffering, but I could not force you to bear the repercussions of unwanted love. I know you had no inkling of my feelings, and I made sure it stayed that way. I do not blame you for marrying James, for you did not ask to be pursued by me and had no idea the hurt that you caused me. I can’t explain why I love you so much, or even why I love you at all. It is indescribable. It isn’t just one thing about you, your smile, your hair, your personality, your eyes. Your eyes light up the room. I remember the summer we spent before going to Hogwarts, talking about magic. You were intoxicating. I remember gazing into your eyes and I loved you in every way that an eleven year old could. But your eyes do not hold the secret to your attraction though, the secret is just simply you and every part of you. My passion for you is strong and will never fade. I miss you and I love you Lily, with every fiber of my being.
I’ve loved you for nearly thirty years, and I will love you until the day I die.
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