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How to Organise Strangers and Create Chaos by TheGoldenKneazle
Chapter 9 : Job 9: Post 'Agony Aunt' Notices Around School
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Job 9: Post ‘Agony Aunt’ Notices Around School

“Frick, that hurt!”

“Shut up, Alby, and get us a carriage sometime before we get to Hogwarts, will you?”

“Onward march!”

“FUCK!” I screeched as Louis banged his trunk backwards into my leg. He sent an apologetic look back to me then carried on after the bickering Al and Rose. I glared at the back of his head; Louis and I had made up, but he was still acting arseholic.

Just his usual levels of pratness, though. So nothing with serious friendship implications.

We had made up in some crappy clothes store yesterday that Rose (and alarmingly, Al) had dragged us into. We had all been in Diagon Alley, with Molly Weasley sr. forcing us into groups and telling us to go buy our supplies OR ELSE.

It had been a rather uneventful trip, really. The only obvious thing that had happened was a rather messy fight in the apothecaries, where I managed to lose Rose for a few minutes among the ruckus, and it was only when Al (accidentally) ate a Billywig sting and was zinging around off the ground that she reappeared, pulling Al out of the shop rather more grimly than she needed to.

Anyway, the whole thing was Louis’s fault, because Maggie Bulstrode had been in there with Malcolm Jeffries and some other Slytherins, who were chatting with a couple of members of the Dream Team, actually; who promptly took the chance to get revenge on Louis for dumping her not so long ago… by throwing bat spleen at him.

Because it got in his hair, Louis promptly went apeshit on her.

And though technically you could call it my fault because I set them up in the first place… Louis didn’t have to retaliate!

But anyway, Rose had perked up once Al led her into this shop that they liked (despite Al’s awful fashion sense), and Louis had already spent most of his money and couldn’t afford any more clothes (which he normally also loves), and I was too angry at Lou’s cool attitude to pay any attention to fashion at that moment.

So I had pulled him aside, and started shouting at him for being a prick about something I couldn’t help otherwise I would’ve been hexed by a large amount of people, and how even Al wasn’t being snobbish when it was Al’s twit of a brother I’d had to kiss!

And Louis kind of inflated, in the way that only Veela-relations can do, then seemed to calm down suddenly and just laughed, ruffled my terribly blown-around hair and said he was sorry for it all, it was just the Veela in him getting pissed.

So now here we were, everyone pretty much back to normal (other than flirty looks between Lily and Lysander, and some tension between James and I that I was desperately hoping nobody else would notice.

The List currently stood at:

Pepper’s List of Stuff to Do
Challenge the Fates about my destiny of ‘Death Before 17’
Set up Lily and Lysander
Work out what’s happening with James
X Make everyone shut up about whatever’s happening with James X (pretty much done, anyhoo)
X Talk to Lou X
Send roses to Fred

“Oi, Rosie, I’m trying my best!” Al was starting to get angry now. I was surprised Rose had managed to push him that far, to be honest – it’s difficult to make Al angry, you know.

She opened he mouth to retort, but instead her eyes went wide, and she screeched, “COMPARTMENT!!!” at the top of her lungs. None of us even winced – after Al and Lou knowing her since before they were born (their mothers all went to birthing classes together) and me living with Rose full-on for the past five years or so, our eardrums were all sadly so damaged that we were no longer affected by it.

It’s just the ins and outs of being practically Rose’s second soul…

Ooh, that would make the COOLEST title of an advice on how to deal with Rose! It would sell so well, too, ‘cause she’s the spawn of two-thirds of the Golden Trio (and doesn’t like to be reminded of it).

I could include chapters on Coping With Bad Moods, How To Handle Mornings, Weasley Clan Gatherings, Supporting Her, Quidditch And The Best Tactics, When It’s Best To Let Rose Have First Shower and…. Hmm, I’ll keep thinking.

“OI! JAM!” I looked up as my name was bellowed down the corridor, and scowled. Al had his head out and looked a bit apologetic as I stood up and limped along. Although I had eventually made it back downstairs and one of the many maternal women had fixed the broken bones for me, it was still quite a sore ankle, and I couldn’t walk properly for a few days or ‘over-exert myself’.

Yeah, with us going back to Hogwarts and shit, that won’t happen. *heavy sarcasm*

So I grumpily pulled myself down the corridor, trying really hard not to fall over in my ridiculous heels and whorey outfit, before eventually managing to force myself through the door and eventually just dropped my trunk on Louis’s foot and flopped down beside Rose.

I didn’t really care how Lou took it at the moment, and just leaned my head down on Mother Rose’s shoulder instead. I was shit-arse tired cause of her, and highly suspected that there would be a party (courtesy of the Marauders) tonight, so I might as well try to sleep now.

“Ooh, I might just sit down in here…” floated in an all-too-familiar voice. My eyes jumped open and narrowed of their own accord.

“Piss off, Hugo!” He just chuckled at my words, but I pulled out my wand and promptly shot a jellylegs jinx at him, and he backed out, cursing.

Al looked on in amusement, opposite me. “You should’ve sent a bat bogey hex; none of us Weasley guys can manage them.”

“That’s ‘cause your mum refuses to teach you and so do we,” I mumbled.

“Why is Hugo so annoying to you anyway?” Al seemed genuinely curious and I opened an eye to stare at him.

“Are you fricking kidding me?” I asked in disbelief. Al shrugged, and I sighed. “We just go out of our ways to piss off each other. But Hugo’s brand of annoyance seems to be offensive… mine is more defensive, I suppose.”

“How come you only stand up some people, Pepper?” Rose asked in genuine curiosity (what is with the nosy people all of a sudden?). Her and Lou had evidently finished their staring contest, and by Rose’s red and watering eyes and Lou’s smirk, he had won (for once).

I regretfully pulled my head up to normal height. “I don’t know. I just don’t want to annoy some people by getting on their bad side… I suppose it’s just the parental complex again.”

They considered this. I’m the first to admit that my friends look hilarious when they’re thinking; Louis looks confused, like he doesn’t normally think (which he doesn’t), Al looks constipated, and Rose looks quite soulful and melodramatic.

Then my redheaded bestie spoke up. “What, ‘cause you’ve always had to order your siblings around, you inadvertedly like to be told what to do instead?”

“I s’pose.”

“Well then. You need to be able to stand up for yourself in the ‘real’ world,” Rose said comfortably, as if it was all settled. Which it’s not.


“We can make it a bet!” Al said excitedly. “See if Jammy can make herself stand up to people and shit! And if she manages it, she gets the money!”

I raised an eyebrow (no, of course it didn’t take me several years to master. Plus I was enjoying the normalcy of them again.) “Um, and that would work how? I refuse to enter a bet without each of you also doing something stupid!”

They all frowned and put on their various thinking faces again. I tried not to laugh.

“Well, Rose should get rid of her boy-chasing tendencies,” Al put in quickly.

Rose gaped. “I don’t HAVE any boy-chasing tendencies to get rid of!” she exclaimed. “So yeah I’ll bet, because it’ll be super-easy, I’m sure. And if you’re going to accuse me of that, then I’m going to make you bet to become a better Seeker this year! You only got it ‘cause that Malfoy twat pulled up at a sensible time, and YOU decided to plough into the ground!”

“Hey, that’s not fair!” Al said hotly. “I beat him fair and square – he slowed down and I Wronkskei Feinted a little too drastically!”

“Well, all the other seekers can do it!”

“Malfoy obviously can’t!”

I rolled my eyes at Lou and charged in before the conversation could deteriorate even further. “WHATEVER! What should Emilie do?”

“Oh that’s easy,” Rose said, still faintly angry, “he needs to keep an actual girlfriend for twenty weeks, that’s a bit under five months, and not shag her during that! This way we’re able to tell actual girl you like from fuck-buddy!”

Ooh… there was a slightly shocked silence at Rose’s harshness, and she looked about to unwillingly apologize when I decided to get ahead of the bet and jump in to offer my support. “Well said, Dora! Emmy has never kept a girl for more than a couple weeks.”

There was an angry glare from his corner, before I brightly said, “All right, how much’s in it then?”

Rose peeked into her money-pouch while Al and Lou grumpily fished into their pockets and we each came up with about six galleons between us.

There was an awkward pause where we all stared at the pile of sickles, knuts and a couple of giant shinies from Rosie-poo.

“I don’t think that quite cuts it,” I said regretfully. “I’d be a lot happier to just stay as I am, to be honest…” Lou pouted and opened his mouth to say something else but Rose cut across him and told us to just pull down our cases.

We ended up with 40 galleons (10 each, except we were all very nearly in debt now, other than Rose) as the winnings, and a Wheezes Bet Spell placed over us too, so that at the end of the year, we would find out who won. I think that was the point Lou decided to punch Al for his stupidity in suggesting a bet, but Rose silenced their almost-fight with a single Death Glare™.

If looks could kill, we’d all be sixty feet under and rotting surrounded by worms and maggots and…

Oh Merlin, I feel really ill now.

But when the spell was completed and we all unlinked, Rose stood up and said, “Well, I’d better go find Stevie McLaggen to break up with him then, hadn’t I?” and stalked out, bushy orange ponytail swinging, and leaving us all staring after her and me to evaluate my List at its current standing.

Pepper’s List of Stuff to Do
Challenge the Fates about my destiny of ‘Death Before 17’
Set up Lily and Lysander
Work out what’s happening with James
X Send roses to Fred X (I have no money now, therefore, I cannot buy him roses. Do they even sell them at this time of year?)
Find a NICE girl for Louis to date
Emotionally support Al through his Seeker training
Keep Rose away from any horny guys (this means the McLaggens and Sleazy Simon)
And, to top it all off, stand up for myself more.

But what was up with her recently? She just hadn’t been quite the same since we got back from Diagon Alley!

Instead, the two boys went back to their wrestling match and I stared out of the window before deciding I should go after Rose. Neither of the boys noticed as I hurried out after her and started to fight my way down the corridor, only to bump into the trolley on its way down, and decide to buy some of my very favourite Bertie Botts with some strawberry snitches, along with a pack of Droobles for the boys and some chocolate frogs for Rose and I. It completely got rid of the last change in my pockets, but I was happy as I went along chewing the wings off the snitches.

I peered into all the carriages, and was just about to turn back and search the loos for her instead, in case Stevie had managed to confund her into making out with her or something (it’s not unheard of) when… I heard make-out noises from a carriage just a few ahead, where nobody ever went ‘cause they were too freezing. One of the sliding doors had come open by half a foot, and it was from in there they came.

I sighed; honestly, did Rose not have a little dignity? I wouldn’t have thought she’d do it, actually, but the evidence appeared before me.

So I wrinkled up my nose and bravely strode ahead. The moans and snogging noises were just gross coming closer, until I came up to the door, braced myself, and stepped in.

Then several things happened at once (none of which were very pleasant).

First, I realised that the, um, close couple did not involve Rose in any way. Phwef.

Second, I realised that the guy on the seat had really messed-up coal-black hair, and the girl straddling him (have some dignity, love) had beautiful, shiny, chocolate-hair that I instantly hated her for.

Thirdly, the squeaky cogs in my head turned, and I realised that I already hated her; it was Violetta Grey, member of the Ravenclaw Dream Team, James Potter’s on-again off-again girlfriend… who was apparently back on.

“Fuck, sorry, James, Violetta…” I spewed randomly.

Then lastly, they both unlocked from each other with a lovely sucking noise and stared at me. I couldn’t believe how Violetta didn’t even have make-out hair, but these are the mysteries of life.

“Uh…” I didn’t know what to do as they both stared at me, Violetta obviously pretty pissed, and James just in disbelief. I decided to go for the crap-I-didn’t-realise-you’d-be-like-this face, with the head-tilt, scrunched-up face and apologetic tone that seems to have ‘…YEAH, SOZ’ written all over it. “Yeeeah… have you seen Rose anywhere?”

“Um, no. Why would I have?” James seemed a little bewildered but was keeping his cool. Violetta’s face simply read ‘SOD OFF’.

“Er, never mind. I’m going to go look someplace else now…” and I backed out, slamming the door behind me, and leaning against the adjoining carriage taking a deep breath as I did so.

Unfortunately for me, the calming atmosphere I was attempting to achieve was broken when the two snoggers stepped into the corridor and appraised me with raised eyebrows. I shot upright, and gave a large but sheepish grin before pretending I had been searching in the carriage behind me.

This is so lame I might just die here and now…

“I think she was with the rest of the Team, according to Daisy,” Violetta said in a cold and offhanded kind of way. “I wouldn’t know, because we came down here quite a while ago.”

I didn’t bother asking how she had communicated with her wing-woman since then; I didn’t want to know. I just wanted to be out of her presence, because all I felt in the presence of James and Violetta was as though I was an immature baby who couldn’t handle herself at all.

Newsflash, world: Jametta have a LOT more childish and catty fights than I ever have! They play at mummies and daddies and push down everyone else to make themselves feel better.

James is just too different around Violetta.

What does he see in her? Other than boobs and bum? And beautiful hair, obviously. Her hair is so superior to my orange-and-blonde-streaks-and-perpetually-messy boring brown, it’s practically the queen of hair whereas mine isn’t even a peasant.

Note to self: get Rose to die my hair a nicer colour. Any colour, just not ginger! There’s enough of them here to fill several schools, let alone just ours.

But what’s worse than a peasant but better than a poo-collector? ‘Cause my hair isn’t THAT bad. Right?

But he apparently just likes her for her status and body. Of course.

“I’ll help you look for Rose, I need to talk to Al anyway,” James said slightly amusedly. I turned on my heel and walked away, leaving Jametta to snog goodbye if they so wished. I couldn’t care less.

But within several seconds, James had jogged up to me as I searched the train as pretty-darn-fast as I could in hope of finding the exclusive carriage of the six other Dream Team-ers, other than Violetta. Of course, half of them might be off snogging people senseless, but I assumed all six were in there, anyway.

“Do you know why she’d be with the Dream Team?” I asked tersely of James, not glancing behind.

That, right there, is skillz.

“I have about as much idea as you do. None,” he clarified, sending me a Smirk™ and running his hand through his hair.

I HATE it when he does that. A lifetime of messy hair has taught me that much.

“Well then, I’m going to have to wing it, aren’t I?”

“Yes, WE are,” James retorted. I narrowed my eyes, only he obviously couldn’t see that. Bugger.

“We? I thought you were over any ‘we’ possibly misconceived after a random Spin The Bottle kiss,” I said fast.

Bugger, fuck, crap. I wasn’t meant to say that. Now we’re both really confused and it’s really awkward, because now I have no idea what he’s thinking. Like, ‘I didn’t feel anything, WTF is this gal on about?’

He probably doesn’t care, at all. He’s probably extremely confused as to what I’m bringing up here, and… I can’t even pretend to know what goes in guys’ heads (other than Louis and Al, but that doesn’t count, ‘cause they’re both too effeminate anyways).

“Um… I’m confused?” James offered.

No shit, Sherlock. I was already at that conclusion.

But I didn’t deign him with a response so we walked the rest of the way in silence, until we ended up at my original carriage and I decided to give Rose up as a lost cause. Of course, James then followed me in.


But he was real smooth as he sat down opposite the two still-wrestling boys and kicked Al to make them stop and listen. “Hey, kids… I just wondered how it’s going for you so far?” He grinned charmingly, stretching his legs across the carriage obnoxiously. Prick.

Al examined him for a second, then said, “You’ve already shagged someone? How the fuck did that happen, we’ve only been on here an hour and a half!”

I sighed and opened my mouth, but of course the two people not called James then looked at me in an alarmed way. I glared. “No, he and Violetta only got to second base. In front of me, mind you.”

This gave me sniggers from the boys, until I glared some more and they shut up (eventually). Lou decided to put in, “It’s not as if James doesn’t know his way around that area pretty well already,” and winked at him.

They disgusted me. “Well, I’m leaving,” I announced, and stormed out to find somewhere else better to sit for a few hours.


As it turned out, the finding a different carriage and also finding Rose ended up being the same thing. I had been sat down in a carriage squished with Lily, Hugo, the Scamanders and the Longbottoms for several blissful hours and was exchanging pleasantries with Alice when Rose practically fell in.

She never is one for simple entrances, I’ll give her that.

In fact, to be more exact, I had been talking to Alice about my huge family and was on Lolli, talking about how she had a nice middle name of Sustantivo, which meant rainbow and was better than everyone else’s foreign middle name, when the sliding doors simultaneously crashed inwards.

For once, it wasn’t me getting squished. The Scamanders and Lily got crushed instead, and shouted a lot of cuss words, but Rose somehow managed to fall in with the doors and then flip over onto her brother’s lap.

Being the delightful siblings they are, they took one look at each others’ faces and pushed themselves away from each other, leaving Rose standing in the middle of the compartment while Roxy, Lily, Lorcan and Lysander nursed their heads and comforted each other.

Somewhere inside my mess of a brain, two neurones managed to pass and receive a chemical for me to realise that this might actually be a good time for me to accomplish something on my list (duh!)

Pepper’s List of Stuff to Do
Challenge the Fates about my destiny of ‘Death Before 17’
Set up Lily and Lysander
Work out what’s happening with James
Find a NICE girl for Louis to date
Emotionally support Al through his Seeker training
Keep Rose away from any horny guys (this means the McLaggens and Sleazy Simon)
Stand up for myself more

So I turned away from the mess and stood in the middle of the compartment, shoving Rose into my seat.

That stopped the flow of exclamations from the larger half of the (squished) compartment rather quickly, so I grinned widely, and said wittily, “Anyone have any Pot Noodles on them?”

Of course, nobody did, and I was left looking like a fool. Not that I already didn’t.

Gosh, the things that I go through for other people.

“What do you mean?” Frankie said confusedly. I stared at her for a second, before realising: I had just said that last bit out loud.

Oh, dear Merlin.

“Um… oi, what’s wrong with you, Rose? Where did you disappear to? I thought you were finally going to break up with the prick!” I said loudly.

“You still haven’t broken up with him?” Hugo shouted furiously while Rose ripped her nun’s habit off her head and threw it backwards out the door, where I think it caught a third-year Slytherin full in the face, as I heard a cry of surprise and then a hiss.

You see, you can tell who it hit because of the checklist. Standard third-year shriek: check. Standard Slythie hiss: check.

It’s really quite simple.

“I couldn’t find him to break up with him, could I?” she cried angrily. “I wandered the whole fucking train for this stupid money, and then I - ” she stopped suddenly, scowled, and tried to stand up so she could find a way out.

I promptly sat down in her lap (lovely. A slag on a nun’s lap) and jammed an elbow backwards into Roxanne’s diving-suited ribs, hoping that she’d realise that she needed to repair the cabin, as Rose and Hugo argued backwards and forwards.

After a few moments of confused pokes to try to get my attention, she realised what she needed to do. But Rose and Hugo just would not stop arguing, and considering I was on Rose’s lap due to lack of space, I didn’t think I would ever regain the long-loved use of my left ear.

In fact, whatever we tried, nothing worked. I was getting increasingly weary, and wishing that I could make it stop because surely the parents at King’s Cross could hear them.

And then Alice Longbottom stood up and roared, “SHUT UP!”

I think it was the shock of her in a confrontation more than the words that froze the two siblings.

She glared angrily, alternating from Hugo to Rose and back again, until she glared at me. I recoiled.

“Hey Pepper, just so you know – Sustantivo doesn’t mean ‘rainbow’ in Spanish, it means ‘noun’,” she announced sweetly.

I could only sit open-mouthed for several moments before groaning. My parents couldn’t even give us wacky names and get it right, could they?

“And you two – I don’t know what sibling rivalry you have going on here, but it needs to end. NOW,” she commanded, but as the two simultaneously opened their mouths to interject, I decided to beat them to it.

“Honestly! Hugo perceives Rose as the ‘perfect child’ with the best life, so he plays up and tries to get a part of it, which really annoys Rose because she wants to have first claims on whatever happens, and they both feel that the other is trying to steal the love and limelight.”

I looked up from examining my fingernails to see the inhabitants of the carriage staring at me with saucer-like eyes and swinging jaws.

Honestly, it wasn’t that hard. It’s really too obvious.

“Take a picture, it lasts longer,” I suggested a little snappily.

“RUBBISH,” the two siblings in question shouted simultaneously, and started to rant at me together, but I flicked my wand at them moodily so they were left mouthing words like fish. Hahaha, silencio is just an amazing spell…

“Wow… that was… really clever, Pepper,” Frankie said, sounding slightly choked.

Is it really that much of a shock that I have something other than tumbleweed between my ears? Apparently so.

“Yeah… you always seem to be fixing people’s problems, like an agony aunt or something!” Alice joined in with her sister, smirking a little in a very un-Alice-like way as she raised an eyebrow in an omniscient sort of manner.


I do not like the direction this is heading in. Quick, Pepper, say something!

“Hahahahahaha, not really, I just try - ” I garbled, hysterically laughing before I was cut off by Rose.

“Hey, we should make her a Hogwarts Agony Aunt!” she cried delightedly, previous annoyances vanished.

“Um, no. Alice, you’re really so much better suited to it, it’s ridiculous you think I’m actually ready for this, it’s huge, I can’t - ”

“We should market her, let everyone know how awesome your talents are,” Hugo joined in with an evil glint in his eye.

He does that far too much, it’s practically his trademark look.

“Yes! Ok, Frankie can create the posters, and then we’ll put them everywhere. You can have the cupboard under the stairs in the common room as your office, and anyone not from Gryffindor can have appointments…”

It was too much. I stood up angrily and put my hands on my hips. “I REFUSE to be an agony aunt for the school! It is beyond ridiculous and I hate the idea!”


By the time the Hogwarts Express pulled into Hogsmeade Station, the list looked like this:

Pepper’s List of Stuff to Do
Challenge the Fates about my destiny of ‘Death Before 17’
Set up Lily and Lysander
Work out what’s happening with James
Find a NICE girl for Louis to date
Emotionally support Al through his Seeker training
Keep Rose away from any horny guys (this means the McLaggens and Sleazy Simon)
Stand up for myself more
Post Agony Aunt notices around school


*A/N:… hi? I’m so so so sorry for being such a horrible updater. In a perfect world, I would have several hours a day to write in. Alas, RL gets in the way and I can sneak very very little time to do anything at all.

On the other hand, I have no idea how I managed this and the next chapter, it’s completely random considering I’m concentrating on my other stories right now!

If there’s anyone still keeping up with the plotline, please let me know about the developments, like; what’s up with Rose? And James? How is Pepper going to get on?

And a BIG SHOUTOUT to my amazing reviewers, particularly Padfoot88, ShitjustgotinZayn and starryskies55 who have reviews loads! But just as a reminder to everyone – please keep them 12+! (no swearing) But thankyou all so much! I love you, because you’re what persuades me to attempt each new chapter :D

Next chapter: “Job 10: Help that Third-Year Strip Down Her (Potentially Dangerous) Broomstick.” And this time, it really will be a quick update!



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