Chapter 2 : Nothing but.
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“You did it again.” Sirius said with a satisfied smile on his lips as he traced his finger up and down my spine as I lay – resting my head against his bare chest – listening to the beat of his heart. “You said it wouldn’t happen again, what changed your mind?”
The last time this happened was two months ago. I had had a fight with one of my best friends Danielle, and was feeling down. So instead of talking to her about it, instead making up with her I looked Sirius up and forgot for a while. It’s a problem I have. I don’t deal with my problems; I hide from them like a scared little girl.
I’m not scared though, I just don’t want to deal with the heavy stuff. I don’t want to confront people, I just don’t want to. So I put my problems in a small box in the back of my mind, and even though I know that someday that box is going to explode, I can’t help it.
“I did say that” I whispered and looked up from my spot on his chest with a small smile before I sit up. He’s not far behind, sits up after me with a smirk on his lips.
“Couldn’t keep away, yeah?”
I couldn’t help to laugh a bit. He’s always so confidant, how he does it is a mystery to me. It’s true though, everyone wants a bit of Sirius Black.
“Something like that” I said with a smile and wrapped the sheet around my body before I pulled apart the drapery and started to collect my clothes that lay in a heap on the floor.
“Come on Cas, what changed your mind?” he asked in a more serious tone when he followed me out of bed. He didn’t bother to cover his modesty though, just got out and picked up his boxers from their place on the floor.
“It’s nothing. Just wanted to enjoy a bit of Black” I smirked. Which I technically did, I had enjoyed it, even though it was not the reason I came here last night.
“Dorcas” he said, and when he said my name I knew I had to come clean.
“I needed a bit of comfort” I told him, which still, I had needed, even though it was still not the whole truth.
“Why? You finally ended things with Gwyther?”
“Not exactly. I saw him snogging Angela” I told him while putting on my knickers, with an indifferent look on my face.
“Okay. So you’re going to end things with him?”
“No, why would I do that? We’re even now”
“So you came here to get even with your boyfriend?” He said and laughed a bit, it wasn’t a happy laughter though, it was bitter and sounded a bit forced. “So you’re basically using me?”
“That’s what we do” I said and dropped the sheet on the floor, standing in front of him in nothing more than my underwear. “We use each other, that’s what we’ve always done” the honesty in the words were obvious, even though it might not have been something he’d like to hear.
“No” Sirius said and looked at me. “That’s what you’ve always done.” He puts a bit more force behind those words and takes a step towards me. “It’s always been when you wanted to, when you felt like it, when you needed something.”
“You could’ve said no.”
“No I couldn’t, and you know that. I say it goes both ways.” Sirius said with a smirk and walked up to me. I rolled my eyes and looked up at him.
“What do you mean?” I know what he meant, but it couldn’t hurt to ask anyway. I could always be wrong, even though the chance of it is small.
“It means that if I have a bad day, I can come to you too, and not just the other way around” he said and put a hand on my neck with a smile. It does sound tempting, it really does. But…
“I have a boyfriend you know” I told him and looked down at our feet.
“I never really liked him, and he doesn’t need to know” he pointed out. “It’ll be our dirty little secret” he whispered in my ear.
I know it’s sick and wrong, and it probably doesn’t make me exactly a good person when I say that I did consider it. I mean, sex with Sirius was good. It was great actually, but that’s all it was. Didn’t I want a real relationship, with commitment, dates and maybe someday even love? I don’t want a long line of good fucks… or maybe I want both. But that was not with Sirius, I don’t even like him most of the time.
I tolerate him. That’s what it is, we tolerate each other. Not friends, not enemies, but tolerance.
“That’s an awful thing to do to someone.”
“It hasn’t bothered you before” he said with a laugh. It probably wasn’t meant as an insult, but it was. It was a huge insult. I snorted and my eyes quickly left our feet to look at him instead.
“What’s that suppose to mean?” I asked and took away his hand from my neck. He raised his eyebrows and scratches the back of his head. Not sure what to say to my clearly irritable tone of voice. “Come on now, spit it out. What the hell is that suppose to mean?!”
“Come on Cas, you have to admit you’ve done some shitty things over the years” he said truthfully, and no, I will not admit that. He hadn’t even known me that long, what the hell did he have to say about anything?
“Oh, I don’t know. Like using me for some special comfort for the last year, not that I mind” he smirks.
“Okay, what more? What more shitty things have I done?”
“You snogged Angela’s boyfriend in forth year. You cheated on Caradoc with me when you two were together. That’s why you broke up yeah? You’ve always been horrible to Peter, even though you know that he fancies you. You put an extra slug in Donovan’s potion last week when she wasn’t looking because she told you your hair looked frizzy” he listed. There was no smile on his face anymore, and I felt how I left irritated behind and grew angrier and more hurt.
How had he even seen me put that slug in her potion?
“It wasn’t that bad” I defended myself. “I didn’t know he was her boyfriend! And the thing with Doc was… and I have done nothing wrong to Peter!” I think about poor Susan whose potion I ruined. “And Susan’s poison didn’t turn out that bad!”
“It exploded and burnt half her face off”
Okay. So it did turn out bad, but… how was I suppose to know it would explode? And Madam Pomfrey was able to heal her face, now she’s just waiting for her eyebrows.
“I… I didn’t mean to burn her face off” I said defensively. “And what about all the things you’ve done. You knew I was with Caradoc, and now also with Macsen. I didn’t see you stopping me. And you are always horrible to Peter. You’ve cheated on all your girlfriends, and you and James hex the Slytherin as entertainment. As I see it, you’re much worse than me.”
“Peter’s our friend” Sirius sighed, sounding a bit annoyed. “We’re allowed to make a bit fun of him, as he is us. You’re not his friend; you’re just some girl making him feel bad about himself. As for Dearborn and Gwyther, you’re the one dating them not me, I’m not the one who was unfaithful. I’ve never actually had a girlfriend to cheat on and I only hex people who deserve it, what I don’t do is burn my friends’ faces off because they say something I don’t like.”
“So, I’m the bad one here” I laugh, not the good kind of laughter, but that forced laugh I do when all I really want to do is cry. “Fine, I’m a horrible person. So why not become an even more horrible one and take a fuck mate when I already have a boyfriend. That’s how you justify it?”
“Yeah, you’re a bad person Cas, that’s what I said” Sirius said with a lot of sarcasm in his voice. I didn’t care though; I slapped him hard on the cheek before I could stop myself. So hard that his head rocked to the side, a big red mark was already appearing after my hand. He looked like he’s about to explode, lips pressed hard together, eyes clench tightly closed, his hands were fisted but stayed firmly by each side of his body. I could do nothing but watch it happen. He didn’t say anything or know what to do. I didn’t either, so I watched him.
“Get out” he said after a few seconds. And it looked like a ‘get the fuck out before I lose my temper and kill you’ kind of thing. So I was fast to do as I was told, put on the rest of my clothes in a hurry before I left him standing there. Still only in his boxers, teeth gritted and hands still fisted so hard his knuckles were starting to turn white.
Sneaking out of Gryffindor’s boys’ dormitory was proved to be difficult. I met Lily Evans on my way out of the common room and told her some phony lie about visiting Nigel, my stepbrother who was in Gryffindor. Luckily, I don’t know Lily that well, so she bought it. That is when I thanked Merlin that I am a Hufflepuff; we are not expected to lie.
When I finally reached my dormitory all the other residents of it were there. Three of them – Genevieve O’Lauglin, Angela York and Susan Donovan – were in a deep discussion about hair products. The classic spray versus mousse debate, very interesting stuff. Neither Angela nor Susan even acknowledged my presents as I stepped into the room. Genevieve however lit up like a light as she saw me. She had a big smile on her plum lips that reached her soft blue eyes.
“Hey Cas, where have you been all night? Out with Macsen?” she said and winked at me. I laughed as I walked over to my bed. Genevieve was a sweetheart, and the peacekeeper of our dorm. It’s rare to see her without a smile on her lips, how I became friends with the strawberry blonde girl is a bit of a mystery as we are so very different. But it works for the two of us. Genevieve the reasonable peacekeeper, who hates a row between friends over everything, but she holds a grudge like no one else I know. It’s probably what I love the most about her.
“Sorry to disappoint. I actually fell asleep in the library. How Pince missed me sleeping in an armchair is beyond me” I lied to my friends… and Susan and Angela.
“How can she not have seen you?” came from the bed beside mine, where Danielle Hunter sat with a Witch Weekly magazine in her hands. Her dark curly hair was in a messy bun on the top of her head, and her big brown eyes were watching me suspiciously, and I could tell that she was not in a good mood. In contrast to Genevieve she is not always happy, and when she’s not, the whole world would know. Her horrible temper is not something she controls very well, and that might be why it’s always Danielle and I who gets into fights with each other, more often than not it’s about something really futile and we make up after a week or two, always with the help of Genevieve.
“I don’t know. Maybe she was a hall monitor and didn’t have time to check everywhere or something” I answered with a shrug. I really didn’t want them to find out what I had done, they would judge me, I knew it. Maybe they could get over the cheating, but the lying. In Hufflepuff lying is the most horrible thing a person can do. Our house stands for honesty, loyalty, hard work and justice. In the past twenty four hours I have betrayed at least two of those.
“Yeah, that makes sense” Genevieve said with a smile, bless her heart.
“What coursework were you doing?” Susan asked suspiciously, and with all right. I have nothing against Susan really; she’s best friends with Angela, that’s my only problem with her. It’s obvious that her loyalty lies with Angela too, so I have no reason to talk to her most of the time, and she’s unpleasant towards me because of her friendship to Angela. Loyalty, like I said, has a high value for us in Hufflepuff.
“I don’t do coursework on Saturdays, dear” I told her with a smirk. I might have sounded a bit superior, but when it came to Susan and Angela, I just couldn’t be bothered to care.
“Then what were you doing in the library?” Angela asked me this time. Her voice had a fake sweetness to it, sweetness she only uses against people she doesn’t like, more often than not, said sweetness was directed towards me.
“I read for fun too, not only for coursework” I told her. “It was very interesting actually, about wandless spells. Did you know that our wands are actually more like a magnifying glass than anything? It’s not the source of the magic itself, but rather a way for us to focus and enhance the magic we have within us. It’s really fascinating” I had actually read that only a week ago, so it wasn’t just rubbish. It was also what made Susan and Angela give up.
They didn’t fully believe me, but they didn’t say anything more about the subject, instead they said their goodbyes and left the dormitory, leaving me with Danielle and Genevieve.
I’ve never gotten along with Angela. We’ve always been civil to each other though. That is, until fourth year when she spread a rumour about me after I snogged her boyfriend. She’s just a bitch that way, and if anyone of the two of us is a slag, it’s her for sure. I have only slept with two guys in my sixteen years of life. Two is nothing compared to her forty… okay, I have no idea how many blokes she’s shagged. I don’t even want to know. What I do know/suspect is that it’s a larger number than my two.
Not only have she had a lot more boyfriends than me, she also have a better body than me, and it pains me to admit it. At least in the eyes of blokes, she’s tall and curvy, at least three inches taller than me. Other than that, she has a kind of sweetness to her looks, long blonde hair, light brown eyes, and full lips. I imagine that she is the kind of girl boys have wet dreams about. She is – in my eyes – the Hufflepuff bitch.
Susan has a more boring look to her, dark blonde hair, thin lips, and large blue eyes. She’s tiny though, I’m pretty short, but as she is at least two inches shorter than me, and has no curves to speak of, she’s portrayed as really small. Then put her next to Angela, there’s no question about whom of them the boys are going to pick.
“Have you done your Transfiguration coursework yet, Cassie?” Danielle asked from her bed, she was still reading the Witch weekly magazine, and sounded somewhat distracted.
“It’s not due until Wednesday” I answered while painting my toenails.
“Yeah, but you spent the whole night in the library, I thought that you might have done it.”
“You thought wrong” was my answer. I couldn’t figure out why Danielle even cared, she’s not the most responsible when it comes to coursework. “Have you done yours?” I asked her, I’d be surprised if she had, if anyone of us, she’d be the one that sits at three o’clock in the morning to finish hers.
“What about you, Gen?” I turned to Genevieve who sat across from me on the black and yellow patchwork quilt that covered my bed, painting her own nails in silence.
“It’s not due until Wednesday” she mimicked me. Oh yeah, we are dedicated Hufflepuffs’ alright. “I was thinking about doing it tonight though, especially since I have Herbology on Wednesday too and that essay has to be at least two feet long, it’s going to take ages.”
Herbology, I’m not going to say that it’s my favourite subject, but it’s definitely in my top three. It has a bit to do with Professor Sprout of course. Our very first week at Hogwarts, our first year, she walked into the common room, plant in hand, and placed it in one of the windowsills, while only we, the new first years was there. Then notified those present that we shouldn’t touch the plant, and to pass it on.
Of course there was some stupid little boy who, as soon as she left, walked right up to the plant and of course, touched it. This caused the plant to open its – from what it looked liked – jaws and quick as lightning bite said boy over his arm and don’t let go. It was hilarious, the entire common room had laughed. It didn’t take long however for someone to run after Professor Sprout. Landon, who was the boy who touched the plant spent two nights in the hospital wing after that since it’s bite was venomous. The incident really got me interested in Herbology.
I’m not going to lie, when I had first gotten sorted into Hufflepuff I was disappointed. I had always seen myself as a Gryffindor, or even a Ravenclaw. Hufflepuff was to me a lesser house, that’s what my father had described to me at least. Now I know how far off from the truth that was.
I had been looking forward to the crimson coloured couches and the red and gold banners. The scarlet hangings around a four-posted bed, everything my dad had described in such detail for me.
Then I got sorted to Hufflepuff, and for the entire fest I longed for that red and gold tie. That all changed when I stepped into the Hufflepuff basement. Because it was all so much better than the Gryffindor tower I had made up in my mind.
I stepped into the circular room and it just felt like home. The overstuffed sofas went in yellow and black, as did the hangings on the walls. It felt warm and sunny, even though we were underground. Odd looking plants were hanging from the low ceiling, and the huge wooden mantelpiece in the middle of it all had beautifully carved badgers on it, over it hung a portrait of the house founder, Helga Hufflepuff.
Instead of two stairwells made of stone there were two circular doors, they lead to small underground tunnels. One that takes you to the girls’ dormitory, the other to the boys’. Very simple.
The dormitories, once again, way better than Gryffindor’s, we have the same four-posted beds, but instead of all red and gold, it’s black and yellow. Our beds are covered by a black and yellow coloured patchwork quilt, and copper bed-warmers are hanging on the walls in case our feet are cold at night, they are fantastic for the winter.
Like I said, the disappointment didn’t last long, and thanks to Professor Sprout – and we can’t forget Landon Alderton – that I actually like Herbology. All of the plants around the common room, all of the laughs we’ve had over them. I’m not saying everyone in Hufflepuff just loves Herbology, but we have a lot of advantage in the subject thanks to it. As in all subjects though, some are more talented than others…
“And that is why I dropped Herbology” Danielle said from her spot on her bed. Case and point, not every Hufflepuff likes the subject, Danielle had always been crap at it.
I couldn’t help but laugh a bit.
“You dropped it because you were terrible at it” Genevieve told her with a smile.
“Come on, it’s true” I laughed and look up from my still wet toenails to look at Danielle. “You were crap at it, just admit it. A plant almost choked you to death once!”
“Like you’re so good at everything” Danielle said a bit defensive and then got a smug smile on her lips, “You can’t fly for shit for example.”
It was true; I couldn’t fly even if I tried. Our first lesson, I fell off the broom five times before the lesson ended. It was however not something I liked to talk about. Danielle however is Hufflepuff’s star Chaser.
Genevieve’s eyes widened a bit as she tried to give me a stern look, tried to get me to drop the subject. It didn’t work though, as it only made what I was going to say next more fun.
“Whatever, I don’t have to get on a broom. I’m not the one who’s going to get killed by a plant when I walk through the wrong garden.”
After I said that, Danielle smacked her magazine shut and walked right out of that door, slamming the door to the dormitory harder than necessary.
“She’s moody” I told Genevieve with a smirk.
“Why do you always do that?” Genevieve asked, her voice laced with irritation and disappointment.
“You’re always egging her on! You knew the minute you walked in here that she was in a bad mood, and you just keep going, keep saying things you know she’ll get mad about!”
“Come on, it’s not like I said anything mean.”
“No, it wasn’t. But you knew she’d take it that way, and you still said it” Genevieve stood up from the bed and looked at me.
I didn’t know what to say. Sure, I knew she would probably get angry from what I said, how little it may be. I knew it, and I still said it. It was just a bit of fun, no harm in it.
“Gen, you’re overreacting. We’ll make up tomorrow.”
“You think this is fun for me?!” Gen yelled, actually yelled at me. Genevieve never yells. “Do you think it’s fun for me to force the two of you to make up every other week?! Do you think Dani actually wants to hear your half-arsed apology most of the time! She doesn’t! I have to force her to listen! And I have to force you to apologize in the first place!”
“Gen, come on!”
“NO! Don’t ‘Gen’ me! I am tired of cleaning up your messes! I’m out! I’m fucking out! You blew up Susan’s face, Cassie! You haven’t apologized! You haven’t even told anyone it was you! You just sat back and enjoyed the show! Something is seriously wrong with you!” She kept yelling, and I felt myself grow smaller.
“How did you know about Susan’s potion?” I asked in a small voice.
“I saw you put in the extra slug.”
“You know what Cas, I’m done.” She told me. She was standing in front of my bed, she looked defeated. She didn’t know what to do, and neither did I.
“Done? What do you mean ‘done’?”
“I mean, I’m done. I am done cleaning up your messes. I’m done trying to get you to act like a human being, I’m done trying to teach you the morals you obviously don’t have” she told me in a cold voice. Something that is totally uncharacteristic for Gen.
Her words hurt though, so I did what I always do when I feel hurt, or under attack.
“Trying to teach me morals, are you fucking kidding me?!” I yelled and was fast on my feet, screw the newly painted toenails.
“Do you think I’m totally dense?!” Genevieve yelled back. “Don’t you think I know about all the shit you’ve pulled over the years? You’re not that good of a liar!”
“Yes, actually. I do think you’re totally dense, I think you are a perfect little mummy’s girl who gets whatever she wants and tries to get whoever she wants but can’t do it! You’ve wanted Sirius Black for the last two years yeah? Well guess what! I have been screwing him for the past two years, and he doesn’t even know your name!”
After that left my lips all the fight went out of Genevieve and she looked at me with big eyes. She had no idea I had ever even slept with him once, I never told her or Danielle for that matter because I knew she liked him.
I was a bad friend. I knew that, I knew she liked him the first time I slept with him, I knew it the second, I know now. I had always thought it would go away, her feelings for him. She had an assignment with him in the beginning of fourth year, and after that she hadn’t been able to let him go, certain that she could make him see her one way or another. Now, two years later, he still doesn’t know her first name, calls her Guinevere.
“Fuck you Dorcas” she said and stormed out of the dormitory, I didn’t move a muscle as she slammed the door even harder than Danielle had.
Fuck, I’d really done it this time.
A/N: Second chapter is up! Finally! I've made some big changes, which is why it took longer than I planned. Anyways, what do you think? Isn't Dorcas a great friend? Or what do you think? Reviews are always very welcome, and I hope you enjoyed this chapter. And don't worry, a lot more is to come!