Chapter 1 : Pikachu
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I was woken sharply by the high pitched noise that rang through my ears.
No, it's not an alarm clock, it's not a fire alarm, it's not Tom Jones pronouncing an undying love for penguins (weird mental image) and it's not a meerkat being choked with a coat hanger.
Yup, this is what goes through my head every morning, be afraid of my wrath, my wrath of CRAZY EVILNESS!!! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!
My evil laugh sucks.
No, it's not an electrical alarm, or a rodent, or a welsh singer, it's my best friend, who has gone and decided to wake me up with a bloody whistle.
At least she ditched the fire extinguisher. I'm still on the road to forgiveness after that. She did clean me up with her wand a second later but I was momentarily covered with white foam.
My best friend is a psychopath.
I think that's why we're such good friends!
"Catherine Wilson! Shove your arse out of that bed right now otherwise I'll set my dads toad on you again!" I squealed, rolling out if my bed and onto the floor at her feet, standing up straight and saluting.
Alice Longbottom was standing in front of me, hands on her hips, whistle balanced between her teeth, poised and ready to go if I even moved a millimetre in the direction of the-
-duvet, her strawberry blonde hair pulled back into a ponytail, brown eyes narrowed into slits. She was in her school uniform, tie done up properly, top button done up, much different to me, my frizzy, dark brown hair reaching mid-back, sticking up in a hundred different
directions. My pale, freckled skin bare and my baggy mismatched grey and brown eyes groggy. I was wearing trackies and my brothers Chudley Cannons jumper, which was much to big for me.
"Cat, get changed now and I'll save you the torture of physically pushing you down the stairs, we're late for Transfiguration!" I moaned, and stumbled over to the trunk at the end of my four-poster bed, tripping over thin air at least twice.
I pulled on my clothes, which were baggy on me in all my...midgety- ness, and brushed my hair, putting it in a loose braid, hastily washing my face and brushing my teeth.
She tapped her foot impatiently as I prepared myself, and tripped my way over to the door, slipping on my shoes, getting my legs tangled in the process.
One thing you should know about me, I'm a klutz.
According to Alice, I have no spacial awareness, which means I crash into people. I have no appreciation for peoples personal space, which means I crash into people. I have no balance, which...you guessed it...I crash into people.
Seriously, I tripped over Flitwick once, he got really pissed off, it was actually quite funny. Being a midget doesn't help, people can't manoeuvre themselves away from me when I'm about to collide with them head-long, but Alice has managed to figure out an art to avoiding it over the years.
We walked down to the great hall, and along the wall to our usual space at the end of the table, alone.
We do that a lot, melt into the shadows, we could not even be there. I'm just the quiet midget with an off centre of gravity, Alice the goody-two-shoes who shies away from everything.
They say it's a wonder we've even been in Gryffindor for seven years and not run away from it screaming in all our cowardliness, they say we don't deserve it, they think that they know us better than anyone else.
They're wrong, because behind that mask, Alice is a fun-loving freak who is the bravest person I know, and she's like a sister to me, my best friend, and she doesn't deserve to be ridiculed just because she's smart.
I have a brother, Rowan, who I love to bits, even though he's an absolute idiot. He's the type who'll go dance in a thunderstorm and bring a long metal rod with him, point it to the sky and sing 'It's raining men', hip thrusting included.
I'm an absolute idiot as well, I think it's genetic. I don't say anything to anyone, which is just as well because I don't think before I say stuff, more like, say it before it's even come into my head.
I like to think of myself as a happy person though, not some moody bitch who talks to walls or anything, but I did have a conversation with a tapestry, turns out it was Fred Weasley on a mobile phone, it was really awkward when I found out.
Fred/Tapestry: Hi, how are you?
Me: Uh...I'm alright, you?
Fred/Tapestry: I'm fine, stop worrying mum.
Me: I think you've gotten me confused with someone else, I've never had a blanket come out of my vagina.
Fred/Tapestry: Wait...who is that?
Me: Crap...it's santa.
Fred(definitely not a tapestry anymore): Oh cool! Is it really you!
Me: Yup, and you caught me!
Fred: Can I see you?
Me: Sorry son it will uh...ruin the magic of Christmas.
Fred: Oh, alright, I guess I'll see you at Christmas then, I was just wondering Santa, were was that extendable ear set that I asked for last year, and that...
I sat there and listened to him for half an hour, not knowing to run away or not, before sprinting to charms when I heard Dom Weasley come around the corner.
Um...back to my boring life, we seated ourselves at the end of the bench, and I bit into a slice of toast smothered in margarine, leaving Rowan to talk to his friends.
"Did you know that sloths only poop once a week?" Alice perked up a bit, and looked at me over the top of the thick, hard cover book.
"No I didn't, but did you know that there are no clocks in a Vegas casino?" she pondered this for a moment, before huffing stubbornly, and looking back into my eyes.
"My fact is more interesting." she said bluntly, standing up and walking out of the great hall, back the way we came.
I quickly followed, tripping over a few peoples bags on the way. "But I bet everybody knows that sloths only poo once a week! It's common knowledge!"
"Well everybody knows that there are no clocks in casino's. I knew it already." we were in the corridor now, still walking in the shadows.
"But...I bet a newborn baby wouldn't, a newborn baby wouldn't know that there are no clocks in a Vegas casino." we turned into the charms classroom, and continued to walk along the edge of the wall, to the back, and sit down.
"Well most newborn babies don't even know what sloths-"
"Alright class, settle down, settle down." I turned to the front, and a disgusted look came across my face.
Or, to be more precise, the back of James Potter's head. So, we finally meet again, my old nemesis.
He's the bane of my life, with his perfect, glossy black hair, his perfect, hazel brown eyes, his perfect, gorgeous face, his perfect, soft, smooth skin.
May I just point out to you all, I dislike James Potter, and the rest of the Potter/Weasley clan...slightly.
I don't like them because they're all so darn perfect, I've never seen behind the gossip magazines and the autographs, they'll always be slight snobs in my mind.
Not that I dislike them, I only hate James, I don't mind the others, I think Rose Weasley spoke to me once, but they all seem slightly fake. I know that their parents saved the wizarding world and all that jazz, but they've never done anything absolutely amazing. They don't all get perfect grades, they aren't all on the quidditch team (doesn't mean they can't all play like pros), I think Hugo is a bit of a klutz, and some of them are nerds, but everyone still seems to think that they're completely pristine.
Right, sue me for disliking the next generation, but it's just the way it's always been. They've never been bothered to talk to me, why should I bother myself by trying to talk to them?
I hate Potter in particular because he's best friends with my brother, and doesn't even know my name. How he, out of all of them, is the worst. He struts around school, not bothering to talk to anyone other than his 'mates', and he holds an undying grudge against everyone in
They've never done anything to him, just that an old hat put them there, not all of them asked for it. And from what I know, Andrew Finnegan definitely didn't want to be put into Slytherin.
Right, I think know would be a good time to stop my JP rant, and get on with glaring at the back of his head, which is actually quite fun.
The lesson was slow, I'll give Flitwick that, but I couldn't help but tire of staring at the back of Potter's head whilst Alice's quill scribbled against the parchment, making a really irritating scratchy noise.
"Bloody hell, calm down Alice, it's not going to run away from you for hecks sake."
I looked up and smiled to see Rowan standing above me, his soft grey eye contrasting his brown one perfectly.
Gah! It looks better on than him than it does me, mine are exactly the same colour as his, both of them, but compare it to the paleness of my skin and it doesn't look right.
He plonked himself in the chair with me and I slipped onto the floor, landing on my bum with a loud smack.
After a few moments of recovery, I stood up, and crossed my arms across my chest, glaring at him. He just grinned back at me innocently, his face creasing into a smile and I couldn't help but melt slightly.
He has dark hair, and light skin, not as pale as mine, with a small amount of freckles splattered across his nose.
"But you wove me so much dat you have to fowgive mwe!" he did the voice. He did NOT just do the voice.
I hate the voice. He is officially unforgiven.
The voice came from his first girlfriend when he was fourteen years old. Let's just say, he didn't have a very good sense of character back then, and went out with Daisy Parkinson.
Biggest mistake he has ever made in his entire freaky, and sadistic life. She wouldn't have gone out with him if she had known how he scarred me all those years ago, changing me for life. And not for the better.
Seriously, marshmallows actually hurt. I swear I still have marks! Those silly, gooey, delicious, cylinder wads of...well...sugar, are evil and made of danger!
Believe me, they're planning how to overthrow us this very moment in time, head marshmallow, will be talking to the marshmallow constable, constable...gooey, when an angry deputy head marshmallow bursts in, revealing that the jellybeans had infiltrated the base, and they were our allies the entire time...
I shouldn't be allowed to think.
Shut up brain, shut up! Don't think of how constable gooey was probably tanned and wearing sunglasses because he just came back from his stag night, about to confess his undying love for and old Smartie, who was at least fifty years his senior, after dumping his fiancé, and
that the deputy head marshmallow has really shifty eyes and is almost definitely a baddie, who will later become a double spy, and get confused on his way back from work, to his lonely flat, he sits down to ponder over his life, and then almost dies of pneumonia-
Stay away from me, please, for your own good. It might be contagious.
"I think she's in a comma." Alice's voice interrupted my...can you even call them thoughts?
"That's slightly drastic Al-"
"CAT! WAKE UP OR WE'LL SEND YOU TO MUNGOS!" I jumped at her scream, falling of Rowan's lap, which I had been sitting on.
"ALICE! I'M FINE FOR FUCK'S SAKE! I WAS JUST DAYDREAMING!" I shouted back from the floor, rubbing the back of my neck.
"WOULD YOU TWO STOP SHOUTING AND TALK NORMAL AGAIN BECAUSE WE'RE GETTING A HELL OF A LOT OF WEIRD LOOKS." I span my head around
quickly, to see that this information was in fact true.
Almost everyone was sniggering or trying not to giggle, apart from Professor Flitwick, who was glaring at us, hands on hips.
"Longbottom, Wilson...um, Catherine, I'm not amused, could you see me when lessons finish for a detention." he turned back around to the black board and I looked over to Alice, who seemed to be hyperventilating.
"No...no...no, in, and out, in, and out, this won't effect your grades, just a detention, not a big deal..." why must one of my only friends be an complete idiot? It's just a measly detention, not like she's missing anything life changing.
I sighed boredly, and looked down at the blank parchment. Oh crap, were we meant to be working? I heard a sarcastic voice from above me and my head snapped up.
"Looks like we've got a double detention then Row, but I was hoping it would just be us, we would get the nerds wouldn't we?" I glared at him and Rowan tensed up a bit, not liking it when James mocked us.
Oopsie daisy, did I forget, he hates us as well, just because we're quiet and
"Go dig a hole and die in it Potter." he looked shocked at my outburst, then glared back.
"Why are you sitting on my best friends lap?" he leaned forward as well, and we managed to-oh my gawd! Alice is actually looking up from her work! Please, somebody write this date down.
"I can go get the shovel for you if you want?"
"Um, guys-" yes, Rowan had even tried, and failed, to interrupt the killer glaring contest we were having.
"Why are you sitting on my best friends lap?"
"Why aren't you digging that hole I asked you about?"
"Why is grass green?" Fred's cheery, optimistic voice interrupted us, and Rowan raised an eyebrow at him.
"Why are you sitting on my best friends lap?"
"Getting a bit repetitive aren't we Potter?"
"Why are you-"
Saved by the bell.
I stalked out of the room, and spun around at the door, to see Alice kicking Potter in the shins, and following me out.
"See you in detention Potter." one last final act of bravery, ruined by Flitwick yet again, as I managed to trip over him on my way out of the door.
"Right, I want you three to copy 100 lines of this, you two these ones 200 times."
I looked up at the board and couldn't help but laugh. On James and Fred's side of the board, the words, 'I will not continue my plans to overthrow the Slytherin quidditch team by stealing all their duvets so that they can't sleep at night, which will result in fatigue, meaning
they don't play as well.' were written on the board.
"Why were you sat on my best friends lap?" the smile disappeared from my face almost instantly, replaced by an angry snarl.
"Potter, I see no hole."
"Right, guys, I think I should explain some things." Rowan cut in, sounding slightly annoyed. "Cat, how do you think that you can convince him to voluntarily dig a hole and die in it? James, she was sitting on my lap because she's my twin sister and I stole her seat,
anyway, can't you tell by the eyes?"
James and I huffed stubbornly, before I cut in. "Well, your plan looks ridiculous. There are so many other ways of getting them to lose sleep, like set of a charm to make an annoying buzzing sound in their ears that only they can hear, or maybe just some simple muggle itching powder. In short, your plan sucks."
They gaped at and Fred said hopelessly. "But...we spent ages on that plan." I couldn't help but feel slightly sorry for him, but his smile returned instantly.
"I know! You could help us trick the Slytherins!"
"No no no no no no no. No way in hell am I helping you trick the Slytherins, I have nothing against them."
James was looking reluctant, but Fred and Rowan looked like six-year-olds on happy pills.
Aw, the thought of them on happy pills is adorable.
Right, no more distractions Cat, you are trying to shake these two of your back.
"I won't do it, I have nothing against Slytherins." I turned back to Alice, who had been quiet throughout the entire conversation. She was staring out of the window, biting her bottom lip and twirling the end of her ponytail.
Turning back to the empty parchment I heard Potter snigger. "Thought she would do that, chicken out. It's a wonder you aren't in Hufflepuff Wilson."
"Wow, you have a brain cell, you figured out that my last name is Wilson!" I clapped my hands slowly, my voice heavy with sarcasm. My (rather unreliable) instincts were telling me to bang his (incredibly thick) skull against the table. (whilst pretending that it's made of
steel and has spikes coming out of it.)
"You didn't deny it, you didn't deny that you deserved to be in Hufflepuff. Coward." there is a thin line between 'annoying' and 'plain disgusting'. However, Potter probably doesn't know that, seeing as he is so far into the latter section.
"Well you don't know me, you can't judge me after a five minute conversation. I'm not a coward." it's true. He doesn't know me, he shouldn't judge me. Because I'm not a coward, I rescued Alice's cat from a tree once, I helped her dad clear out the toad tank when I was
over at her house for the summer, even though I don't like toads I risk going down to the kitchens at night to get chocolate ice cream. I am a rule breaker. I am a nerdy rule breaker.
I am a Nikon 500.
Just ignore that.
"Longbottom, is she a coward?" he turned his cold gaze to Alice, who was now actually focusing on what we were doing.
"Excuse me, why do you need to know if she's a coward or not? How will this information help you in a life or death situation, why should I tell you anyway, because you're a massive dick and the only coward round here is you!" she had started of sickly sweet, still twirling the long ponytail, but know, she was full out snarling at him, slamming her hands down on the table at the word 'dick'.
That’s my girl.
Potter, Fred and Rowan were both looking at her as if she had started growing eleventeen new heads or something, she was no longer the nerdy girl to them any more.
Woot woot! Go Alice, because, it takes like 40 muscles to frown, but only 4 to bitch-slap that motherfucker in the face! Or something along those lines.
Flitwick finally noticed us, and stood up from his table, were he was reading a thick book, and hobbled over.
"Sorry guys, got to flee!" Alice stood up abruptly, knocking her chair over, grabbing her bag and sprinting out of there, dragging me by the wrist as she went barely giving me time to collect my own.
She stopped at the door, and I added quickly. "Yes, we have some brave, non-cowardly fleeing to do! See ya Rowan."
And we were gone.
Still no answer.
"Falling down a flight of stairs hurts ya know!" I tried sitting up, and my leg seared with pain, causing my head to fall back onto the floor with a slam.
"Oi, Wilson! Is that you?" I groaned at what came into view. Weasley and Potter. Fred looked slightly shocked to see me lying on my back, leg twisted at a funny angle, but Potter was probably doing the Macarena in his head.
"What happened?" he laughed, and my face became...a...a face of fury. Yup, best way to describe it. A face of utter, furiful fury.
"You don't really seemed that bothered, and I don't want to waste your precious time, so don't worry I can handle myself."
I waited a moment, letting the sarcastic comment sink in. Of course, being the generous, wonderful person that he is, Potter stalked of.
Fred however, stayed there to hover over me, waiting for my scowling mouth to actually produce words. After a few minutes of careful discussion with his one brain cell,(Probably something along the lines of, should I manhandle this injured girl? Fuck it.) he gave up on the idea of conversation, and lifted me up by the waist casually slinging me over his shoulder.
"Yeah, you need help, no way am I leaving you here, we're going to the hospital wing."
"What! No! I don't need you, I'm not a damsel in distress and I'll be able to get to the common room myself." I was pounding his back with my fists, and flapping my working leg in the air.
"What happened anyway?" he ignored my failed attempts to free myself and I drooped.
"I was walking back from the library and I tripped over my laces. I fell down the stairs, just a day in the life of me, clumsy midget." he laughed and I sighed, letting him carry me through the corridors, ignoring the strange glances the other students were giving us.
"Fred, seriously, why are you helping me?" oh sue me for being curious.
"Because you're not a coward, you stood up for yourself and didn't let James get to you. Or at least you didn't show it."
I laughed bluntly at this, relaxing as I realized we weren't headed in the direction of a certain place I like to call the hospital wing. "Trust me Freddy, he gets to me."
"I agree Cathy, we try talking to him about it, but James has a slight obsession with getting to people. At least that's what the therapist said."
"Don't call me Cathy." I crossed my arms as he gently set me down on the floor, and faced the portrait hole.
"Don't call me Freddy."
"Sorry, but I have no authorization to let you through without a pass-"
"PIKACHU ON ACID!"
"Right, you've run out if chances." I screamed in frustration, and slid against the wall and onto the floor, Fred quickly following suit.
We had given up on negotiating with the fat lady, and were sitting in silence, dreaming up some more possibilities.
Suddenly, the situation became very awkward as I saw people shoot Fred disapproving glances, like he was some sort of super-duper-hero, losing his super-duper-powers on purpose. I wonder what Fred's super- duper-power would be...maybe he could give people an orgasm just by touching their bare skin, or even turning them into a hula-hooping
"Cat, why are you laughing?" I was brought back to my senses by Alice, who had obviously just come from the library, hence the fact there were about a gazillion-million books balanced on top of one another.
"Just imagining Flitwick as a hula-hooping banana." she shrugged as if this information casually, as if it were an everyday occurrence, (which it kinda is) and turned to the Fat Lady.
"Thank god, somebody who actually pays attention, these two were suggesting stuff from muggle television programmes." Alice turned to me knowingly and said bluntly.
"Pikachu on acid?"
"Pikachu on acid."
"Care-bears!" Fred inserted brightly and we both turned around to see he was grinning madly.
"That's just weird."
"You just all the dignity you ever had Frederick."
"And very unmanly." we both finished on the same sentence, and Fred had the dignity to hang his head in shame. Best friend telepathy I tell you, we're magic.
A/N Yay! Random new story! I'm going to bounce between this and BAYE
because I'm an idiot who thinks I can multitask, which I can't do for
toffee. Strangely, Cat is almost EXACTLY like me, I don't know if I
did it on purpose or not, but a lot of the things in this are what
goes through my head on a daily basis. I know, sad right.
P.S I know both my main characters are Irish, but I'm a Dubliner
through and through. (I may live in England, but my entire family live
there, so it still counts!)
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